"of all the edifices man has built,no one can deny, no one who has lived at least,
that love is the frailest structure of all...
built to tumble, meant to fall."
I was hesitant at first to write you. I know you may not want to hear from me and I don't expect you to acknowledge this letter. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I wonder how you are, how you feel. I hope you are happy on this day.
I wanted to give you this as a birthday present; my memory of you. I was talking to a friend who is turning 50 next year and she told me that all this, all that we see, and feel, and touch, and love right now, will all one day just be a memory.
So Goodbye, These Days are Gone
A beautiful boy can make you dizzy… like you've been drinking Pouilly-Fumé all morning. He can make you feel high - full of the single greatest commodity known to humankind - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a great hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. You can find it in his smile... in his soul... and in the way he makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay.
It was a classic tale of boy meets boy. A storm was raging the night I met M. My friend Rafael celebrated his birthday that night and threw a party. Everyone was getting tipsy, happy. Since we wanted to dance, my friends and I decided to brave the rains and go to Bed in Malate at around 3 in the morning.
I saw him standing along at the bar inside, smoking and drinking a bottle of beer. He was alone. I approached him and asked for his name. M, he said. He was wearing white long sleeves and dark blue jeans. He was tall, lean, and very good looking.
We were both drunk. We exchanged small talk, we kissed. When I asked for his number he said he had a boyfriend. I said I still want your number. (I found out later he broke up with his ex-boyfriend that night.)
Over time, we got to know each other well. M was beautiful. He made me feel dizzy. Like I was drinking Pouilly-Fumé all morning. He made me feel high.
In one of the entries of his blog, he wrote the lyrics of a song I love.
"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth"
He wrote about his friend's death, of his break-up with his lover. He spoke of their love, of the pain of their parting.
We dated, deciding to take things slow. As we went out more often and often, I discovered how beautiful he was. How gentle and kind. He was responsible, and smart, and hardworking. He had a good soul. And I fell in love.
Sept. 12, 2008
M, it's Friday and the weekend is almost here. I am so excited to see you and this is how I have been feeling almost every weekend ever since I met you.
Hayyy.. M, I think a lot about us. I don't really know what the future has in store. When I analyze things, I can already identify some potential issues that may surface.
If I focus on those issues, I sometimes feel that it may not be worth it, that our fragile relationship may not survive. But the future is not set in stone, we create the future.
I want you to know I want to be with you. This is a choice, my choice. You are my choice. Mahal kita M. I love you, and I think I have loved you for sometime now. You said it yourself, you knew I love you, how could I forget?
You are amazing. You are humble and kind, intelligent and compassionate. Not so long ago, you told me you felt pressured because you felt you wouldn't meet my expectations. Do you remember what I said? I said "You exceed it in every possible way." And you do.
Excerpts of a text message:
M: K, can you trust me?
K: Ang funny. I was writing something kanina and I wrote about trust. Well, trust is a commodity that is hard to come by these days. But yes, I can and I do trust you
M: K, do you think I'm worthy enough for you?
K: I'd like to think I'm a good judge of character. But I have been wrong before. Does that mean I shouldn't trust again? There are no guarantees in life. I just have to trust myself, trust you and hope that we are indeed worthy of each other.
M: Bwiset! You're such a sweet talker!
One day, we decided to become a couple. We promised to love each other, forever.
M: K, when you saw me the first time I was in complete desolation. Full of grief yet filled with hope. And now, here you are, trying to complete my wholeness. I hope you can be my twin flame while I traverse the pitfalls and goodness of life.
Thus, the twin flames were born.
The past year was one of the happiest of my life. M and I shared so many things together, from the ordinary to the sublime. We ate, drank, talked, laughed, danced, and traveled. We discovered the world was a beautiful place, especially when shared with a loved one.
I still remember what I told him last year on his birthday, that whether he's 24 or 40 or 60, I hope we will always have each other.
I felt like I was the happiest guy on earth. I had a wonderful job, my friends and family were great, and to top it off, I had an amazing boyfriend. What more could I ask for? But the happy man who wants nothing more actually wants something else; the continuation of his happiness.
I wasn't prepared for what was waiting for me. Some surprises sneak up on you when you least expect it.
M left me. At first, the shock and the pain were so intense; it felt like dying. Maybe it was death, in a sense.
As they say; the brightest stars burn out the fastest. The twin flames that had shone so brightly were extinguished and my world plunged into darkness. I decided to fight for our love; I wanted to win him back.
But now, a different kind of peace has settled into me. Maybe this is as far as our story goes, and maybe that is enough. We had a good run. When I look back on all our times together, I feel blessed. I am privileged to have had that kind of love, to feel for someone so intensely you were willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.
A love like that is hard to come by. Yes, it did not last. But M made me happy, and I cannot deny him that. He was my best friend.
I miss M. I miss our daily talks after work. I miss sharing things about my life with him. I miss his laughter. I miss drinking wine with him. Tonight, I will raise a glass to him.
To you M, thank you. I will forever cherish you and the love we had.