A few years ago, I wrote this.
I first met Neil almost a decade ago. I call him by a secret name; my ___ ___. If you're reading this Neil, it's still the same two words.
We were young, naive, curious about the world. We both love books and we would read to each other our favorite stories and poems. As the years passed, we discovered the world and liked what we saw. We grew older, lived in different cities, and one day, I learned he had married another man. Some beautiful boy who hails from Eastern Europe; the land of Kundera, paprika and goulash.
To this day I still know the exact spot in EDSA where I was at when he told me the news. Some things, you never forget.
We chatted recently and I asked him to tell me about his two years of marriage and the married life.
"It differs per person, I think.," Neil said.
And then he said it.
"And honestly, Kane, I think you're not the marrying kind."
My chest suddenly constricted. I was shocked and hurt but didn't know how to react. In my head, I was thinking "How could he say that?"
Here he was, my ___ ___, telling me he thinks I'm not the "marrying kind". It felt awful, especially coming from someone who was married and apparently, happy being married.
After a few minutes, Neil sensed that something was wrong.
"I didn't mean that one comment as an insult okay?" he said.
"I know," I replied. I was still.
"You know what I mean right?"
"What I meant was I think you'll have a hard time finding a man who'd be able to keep up with you."
Keep up with me? What does that mean? But deep down I knew, all too well. This man who I haven’t seen in more than three years could still tell things about me, things that perhaps I did not realize or did not want to realize. I knew there was some truth in it, and the truth is not always kind.
At the end of the day, I think what people want is a love that lasts forever. But such a love is hard to find, or keep as we change. People do change, and sometimes they change too little. Or too much.
Neil has found his happy ever after and I do envy him that.
I still dream of love. I know I am a little unusual ... It's hard for me to find someone who understands my stories. Not just understand ... but love my stories. And love me.
But I'd like to think that there are others who will also choose the path less traveled. Perhaps the yellow wood won't be so lonely after all.
Neil and his husband divorced after three years of marriage.
"Tang-ina (Fuck) Kane," he said. "I'm married and divorced before 30. My parents don't even know I was married to a guy. How can I tell them I'm now divorced?"
"But imagine, when guys would flirt with you and ask if you're single, you get to say 'I'm divorced'!"
"Hahahaha. It's not everyday you meet a divorced gay guy huh."
He was quiet for a while. "I'm never marrying again, you know. I'm done with marriage. Tried it, it didn't fucking work."
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