tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31036872024-03-14T19:18:21.765+08:00Human, All Too HumanMemory is fleeting. And so we try to capture the past and the present. A face in a crowd, the light of the moon. Things one cannot hold on to.Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.comBlogger333125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-57687742340127339112013-09-02T12:53:00.000+08:002013-09-02T12:53:57.603+08:00In Front of the Lens<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Previously:<br /><a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2013/08/basilan.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #660000;">Basilan</span></a><br /><br />
<i>"So there is no hope for change?" I ask him.</i><br />
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<i>"No", he says. "They're all crooks. What matters is: they're my crooks."</i><br />
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The beach was almost deserted. Earlier, there were locals swimming and it was strange watching them play a ball game in the sea while fully clothed, wearing shirts and shorts. But stranger still were the women clad in <i>burqas </i>while bathing, their eyes, faces and bodies hidden from the world.<br /><br />
I was in Malamawi island located in the southern Philippine province of Basilan. Accompanied by four escorts, we rode a small boat and motorcycles from Isabela to bring us to this place.<br />
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It was, indeed, beautiful. By five in the afternoon, the locals have left allowing me to quietly ponder on things. On what I have seen of the province, my conversations with Arnold, the soldier tasked to guard us and keep us safe, the wonder one feels when he travels to distant lands.<br />
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In this photo, I am posing. I know I am posing. I want you to know I am posing. As the French philosopher <b>Roland Barthes</b> once said, "<i>In front of the lens, I am at the same time: the one I think I am, the one I want others to think I am, the one the photographer thinks I am, and the one he makes use of to exhibit his art</i>."<br />
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It will become part of my <b>History of Looking.</b> "For the Photograph is the advent of myself as other: a cunning dissociation of consciousness from identity."<br />
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I want to be primitive, to speak to the empty spaces in each of us. To distill an experience into a single image, a single photograph.<br />
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-41002497917205293952013-08-27T14:30:00.000+08:002013-08-27T14:33:05.178+08:00Love at First Sight<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2013/02/alessandra.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #660000;">Alessandra</span></a><br />
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This month, I flew six thousand five hundred miles to meet a special lady for the very first time.</div>
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Her name is <b>Alessandra</b>, the daughter of my sister Honeylet. We call her Ali. She is six months old. Her skin is white as snow, her lips red as blood, and her hair black as ebony.</div>
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It was love at first sight.</div>
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<i>By the Gods, is he related to me?"</i></div>
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-46769095917378729132013-08-15T17:07:00.000+08:002013-08-15T17:07:03.278+08:00Basilan<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i>Originally written in Facebook on Aug. 9</i><br />
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When you finally arrive, sometimes you discover everything you know about a place is both true and false at once.<br />
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Don't tell my mom I went to Basilan, the stronghold of the terrorist group Abu Sayyaf. The last frontier, where only the bold and reckless will go.<br />
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Today my friend and I visited a military camp and spoke to soldiers who just had an encounter with the Abu Sayyaf. One of the troops was killed in the firefight. We heard of places like Al-Barka, traveled to Lamitan from Isabela with an army escort. We spoke to local government officials, businessmen.<br />
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Peace and order, everyone's screaming for it, dying for it. Some are hopeful about the peace negotiations with the Muslim rebel group MILF and the creation of the Bangsamoro land envisioned to establish peace. Others aren't so. Bangsamoro, ARMM referring to the : they're all the same, one of them said.<br />
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"So there is no hope for change?" I ask him.<br />
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"No", he says. "They're all crooks. What matters is: they're my crooks."<br />
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-77468131220190667592013-08-08T16:21:00.001+08:002013-08-13T15:09:56.074+08:00Gossip Girl: Kiss Yesterday Goodbye<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Previously:<br />
<a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2012/10/little-boy-blue.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #660000;">Little Boy Blue</span></a><a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2012/10/little-boy-blue.html" target="_blank"><br /></a><i>"<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.796875px;">I stepped up the game. I kissed him again and unbuttoned my jeans a little."</span></i><br />
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<i>Up and at them Upper Eastsiders! New day, new gossip. Because after all, what happened yesterday is old news. And who cares about that? </i><br />
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<i>Spotted: <b>Kane </b>canoodling with someone else's lover. </i><i>Uh oh. Careful <b>K</b>, you might want to wipe that smile off your face 'cause we hear the boyfriend is pretty fucking pissed.</i><br />
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<i>Two months earlier</i><br />
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"Oh my Godddd honey!" I said to Arlan. It was a Saturday morning and I was at a sports fest with friends from work. I was trying without much success to get a guy to notice me.<br />
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"One of the organizers looks so cute!!" I squealed. "Ang laki ng arms niya. Parang kayang kaya ka niyang buhatin with one hand. (He has such huge arms. Like he can easily lift you up with just one hand.) I want to introduce myself and tell him, 'Can I touch your arms?'"<br />
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"Gaga! Huwag! (Fucker! Don't!) Just say, 'So ... obviously, you work out. San ka nag gy gym? Work out tayo minsan. (Where's your gym? Maybe we can work out together some time.)'"<br />
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"Aaaaaaayyyyyyyy," I said as we both burst out laughing.<br />
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I did get to meet Jj later on. We were introduced by a common friend. I tried to engage him in a conversation but all he gave were one-word answers. <i>Aaaaaahhh</i>, he's not interested, I told myself ruefully. Such is life, I've learned. We don't always win them all.<br />
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But it turned out I did. The next day I was surprised to see he followed me in Facebook. Ah ha! So he did notice me, I said to myself. I was rather pleased. A few days later, I sent a friend request and we later on started chatting.<br />
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Jj was smart, engaging. We talked about our interests, the songs, films and writers we like. He told me he loves <span style="line-height: 150%;">Herta Müller, Elfriede Jelinek, Thomas
Bernhard, Bret Easton Ellis, and Alberto Moravia.<br /><br />"I have stacks of unread books," he said.</span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">"What was the last book that made you
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"Ah. Woodcutters by Thomas Bernhard," he replied. "<span style="line-height: 150%;">It made me feel like I want to
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">A few days later, I was startled to receive a message.<br /><br />"This is Jj's boyfriend speaking. I read your chat messages."<br /><br /><i>Fuck</i>. So he has a boyfriend.<br /><br />"I am sorry, I didn't know," I said. "I didn't mean any harm."</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">Pretty soon, it was over. My account was blocked and we stopped communicating with each other.</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br /><br /><br />And so time passed. Days turned into weeks, which turned into months. Until one day ... </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">*<i>Beep</i>* I checked my inbox and </span><span style="line-height: 150%;">was surprised to receive a message from Jj. He was asking me how I was, and we talked a little. Carlo was celebrating his birthday that night so I asked him if he would like to go. </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;"><br />I had work the next day but I wanted to drop by. I always try to make it a point to go to birthday celebrations. I know they mean a lot to people.</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">Jj and I kept chatting during the party. I teased him that he doesn't dance. He said he needed to be drunk first. I poured him glass after glass of alcohol. We were both filled with tension, or at least I was. I could feel our bodies meld into each other as I reach for my drink, hands briefly touching.</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 150%;">In the middle of the night, Carlo pulled me over. "So ... tell me ... who is heeee?"<br /><br />"Hahaha. Wala. He's ... a friend," I said casually.<br /><br />Carlo gave me a disbelieving look. "Come on K. We all know you never just bring a guy to a party. But I like your style: new party, new boy."<br /><br />We both laughed. "Gago. (Fuck off.) Besides, he has a boyfriend so you know ..."</span></div>
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"Well ... I'm sure you know what you're doing," he told me before going back to chit chat with other guests. "Or do you?" He gave me a knowing look as he waved goodbye.</div>
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We were almost home and I was about to drop Jj off. We were both tired, a bit tipsy.<br />
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"Hey, it was nice to see you again," I said. I realized I did enjoy the night with him. The thrill, the illicitness of our rendezvous reminded me of </div>
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"So ... do I get a good night kiss?" he suddenly said.<br />
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For a second, I was paralyzed with the moral crisis facing me. What do I do? I asked myself. What do I do?</div>
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<i>A wise woman once said, in life there are only three kinds of girls. There's the girl you marry, there's the girl the girl you fuck, and the m there's the girl who opened Pandora's box. Now which one are you <b>K</b>? </i><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><i>XOXO</i></span></div>
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-1117105081471182102013-07-17T09:53:00.003+08:002013-07-17T09:53:43.604+08:00The Doors of Escape<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.796875px;">This world to her was but a tragic play</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.796875px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.796875px;">She came, saw, dislik'd, and passed away</span></i><br style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.796875px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.796875px;">-----Inscription on a girl's tomb, Southwark Cathedral, London</span></div>
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Two months ago, someone died. To be more precise, she killed herself. I don't know her, only of her because my friend wrote about her death and I read it. Many days have passed, yet I still think of her at times, of people like her.<br />
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This is what my friend wrote in Facebook on May 22. It is, perhaps, one of the most beautiful and most horrifying things I have ever read.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<blockquote>
So, you leave us, this world, for a place I do not yet wish to discover myself, your heaven or hell, or nirvana, or whatever better place you thought might be more to your soul's liking.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
You were only 28. Your mother called you brilliant, moody, frustrated. You said she didn't know the half of it. Well, now she knows the all too tragic whole. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Your brother was the one who told me, and asked if I had any inkling as to why you did it. I said yes, and reminded him of how I told him so, forwarded to him the email I sent a year and 2 months and 11 days ago, an email I asked permission from you to write, and you said it wouldn't matter, he wouldn't care enough to do anything about it. He did, actually. He called me, and asked to talk about it, I said that he should talk to you, and soon, and I guess that never happened, did it? </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Your brother admitted as much. He said he didn't talk to you about it because he didn't know what to say. He still doesn't.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
Your family wants me to go to your memorial service. I said no, I don't do funerals. If I could help it I wouldn't even attend mine. I suppose in that sense I wouldn't be there, as I'd be dead. Like you are.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
Your dad asked for me to do your eulogy, because "the way she talked about you, parang kilalang-kilala mo sya. (It seemed like you really, really knew her.) The days after she went to you, she was really happy" - and I asked if that was what he wanted, to remember you as happy.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
Thing is, you weren't. It's why you offed yourself, right? </blockquote>
<blockquote>
Now, why would I want to eulogize about someone who couldn't stand life to the point she killed herself? I don't want to, because you don't deserve anything after this, what I write.</blockquote>
<blockquote>
You made your choice, and everyone you leave behind in your wake will have to live with that, including myself, and I choose to rid my memory banks of you, so I will not be riddled with night terrors, waking nightmares, sadnesses brought about by the failure of showing you the brilliance that I did see in you, the beauty of your fractured soul that you did not have the strength to fulfill. </blockquote>
<blockquote>
You blind, tragic woman, you failure at life, you sweet sweet idiot. Wherever you are, I hope you never have peace.</blockquote>
<br />
<br />
In his book<i> The Name of the Win</i>d, Patrick Rothfuss talked about the four doors of escape people use to cope with pain.<br />
<br />
First is the door of <b>sleep</b>. As most of us know, sleep offers us a retreat from the world and all its pain. It allows us some distance from things that have hurt us. When we feel extreme physical or emotional pain, we often fall unconscious, the mind's way of protecting itself from pain by stepping through the first door.<br />
<br />
Second is the door of <b>forgetfulness</b>. Some wounds are too deep to heal, or too deep too heal quickly as I'd like to believe. Oftentimes, the mind stores painful memories behind this door, the ones we are unable to face yet. As the film <i>The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind shows</i>, "How happy is the blameless vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot."<br />
<br />
Third is the door of <b>madness</b>. At times, the mind is dealt such a blow it creates a new world to hide from the old one. And in this new reality, we can be free of our suffering. Free.<br />
<br />
And last is the door of <b>death</b>. The final escape.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Tonight the rains have come and I think of the dead girl, her family, the people she left behind. I don't know her, I don't know her name. I've never met her. Yet I cannot forget. How could they? Does suffering beget more suffering? Did she finally find peace? Too many questions, too little time.<br />
<i><span style="color: white;">-</span></i></div>
Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-54298474393851855112013-07-10T15:20:00.000+08:002013-07-10T15:20:05.295+08:00Sunday Nights<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Originally written in Facebook on July 7</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It's a quiet Sunday night and I'm drinking a glass of wine before I sleep, reading what people have written today in Facebook. I see a girl talking about wanting to change, a man celebrating his newfound love, a mother telling a funny story about her daughter, a girl posting photos from a party last night.<br />
<br />
It warns my heart, these little updates that allow me a glimpse of my friends' lives. Their joys and sorrows.<br />
<br />
Yesterday, I witnessed a man and a woman marry each other. Weddings always make me feel sentimental. It's one of the most beautiful things in this world, I think.<br />
<br />
Today, I bumped into a friend and I found out he broke up with his boyfriend. Hearts get broken every day, some might say. Still, I know it’s not easy.<br />
<br />
"Hay ... I'm sorry to hear about what happened," I text him.<br />
<br />
"Thanks Kane," he says. "I had to cut my losses. Got tired of getting disappointed. Something to talk about someday."<br />
<br />
<i>Someday</i>, the word echoes in me. Perhaps one day, we'll be gathered around each other and perhaps by then, he'll be sporting his old jolly self.<br />
<br />
"I'm confident as I'll be having you as my inspirational guide," he tells me.<br />
<br />
"Oh honey. I'm certain you're more manageable in matters of the heart. I always fumble and stumble."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Longing is full of endless distance</i>, the poet Robert Hass once said. One day when I'm fifty, I'll look back on Sunday nights like these and tell myself, "Such tenderness, those afternoons and evenings."<br />
<span style="color: white;">-</span></div>
Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-79926204104117183372013-07-04T09:32:00.002+08:002013-07-04T12:41:08.015+08:00Gossip Girl: July, It's Kind of Wonderful<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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(Originally written in Facebook last night ... just before midnight.)<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Previously:<br />
<a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2012/07/1980.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #660000;">1980</span></a><br />
<i><br /></i>
"The relentless march of time is inescapable. It changes everything; people, relationships, friendships. Sometimes what once was, can never be again. It really is, perhaps, the most formidable enemy of all. But without it, we wouldn't be what we are: <i>human</i>. With all its frailties and tenderness and pathos."<br />
<br />
<a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2012/07/gossip-girl-tick-tock.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #660000;">Gossip Girl: Tick Tock</span></a><br />
<br />
"Wakey Wakey Upper Eastsiders, Gossip Girl here. When the summer heat fades and the rains start to fall, we all know it's time for K's birthday. But with nary a man nor family in sight, it looks like Birthday Boy's back to being <b><i>Lonely Boy</i></b>."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Evening, Upper Eastsiders. I know it's late but I just couldn't resist giving you one last piece of gossip. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>They say time changes a man, but it looks like old habits die hard. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Spotted: Our favorite it-boy <b>Kane </b>celebrating his birthday with a pretty new accessory. Who is he? Where did he come from? But the real question is: is he a one-night fling or someone who just might be the real thing?</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
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<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i>Oftentimes, we celebrate our birthdays in remembrance of things in the past. For what we have achieved and who we have become. But for some, it is always the future that excites. For all the promises of what could be.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Because you know what they say. Anything could happen. </i><br />
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<i style="font-size: xx-large;">XOXO</i><br />
<span style="color: white;">-</span></div>
Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-30153808971621517652013-06-28T15:57:00.000+08:002013-06-28T17:38:49.349+08:00Little Talks<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Fiction</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"So tell me, what's today going to be like?" I ask him while we were still in bed. Our games are always like this.<br />
<br />
He closes his eyes and pretends to look into the future. "I see a rainy day ahead, traffic jams. Lots of work to do," he replies. He opens his eyes, looks at me and smiles. "Then, you will come home to me."<br />
<br />
"Will I be rich one day?" I tease him.<br />
<br />
"You will come home to me. That is the best I can do. You will come home to me."<br />
<div>
<span style="color: white;">-</span></div>
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-89280537630349696382013-06-18T10:59:00.002+08:002013-06-18T17:00:33.255+08:00Gossip Girl: Cock-a-Doodle-Doo<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<b>Warning</b>: This story contains (<i>very light</i>) sexual references. Please do not proceed if it may offend you.<br />
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<br />
<br />
Previously on Gossip Girl: <br />
<a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2012/06/gossip-girl-inglourious-basterds.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #660000;">The Inglourious Basterds</span></a><br />
<br />
<i>"But evolving is a tricky thing. You can't change without changing the world around you.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>And not everyone might see your transformation the same way you do. But if you can make it through and truly be reborn, then maybe so can I. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>So beginning today, the past is just a prologue. It all starts from here."</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Guess who's back, Upper Eastsiders? I know its been awhile but I'm here now ready to serve you the latest on what's up, and who's going down. Let's start, shall we?<br /><br />Word is our favorite-it boy <b>A </b>has had more than one rude awakening this week. Could it be ... that someone dared to dump our <b>Queen Bee</b>?</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
One beautiful bright morning, I sent a text to my friends.<br />
<br />
"So .. last night, I made love to a seven-inch cock," I said. "And <i>it </i>... it loved me back. Happy Monday boys and girls!"<br />
<br />
"It must have been some cock, eh? So do you think it's clever and wise?" Arlan replied.<br />
<br />
"Honey, it was just a one-night affair! Or ... perhaps two. But it was quite something, I must say."<br />
<br />
"Well, I fell in love with one cock until he got too cocky.
He's been laying it a bit thick so I told him, 'You cockroach! You forget
yourself!'" A said.<br />
<br />
Wow, he's really angry, I thought to myself laughing. "What the fuck! You called him a cockroach?? Hahaha."<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Now I regret it. Anyway, as Vackie told me I'm only twenty-one and I'm allowed
to make mistakes," he said. "(Groans) I just miss him."</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"You really like this guy?" I asked him, turning serious. "I mean, seriously?"<br />
<br />
"Honey ... Huwag kang magulat ha (Please don't be surprised)."</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Pause</i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
"I am in love with him."</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>This just in. It looks like the <b>Ice Queen</b> has finally met her match. And she's all lit up. But careful <b>A</b>. You know what they say, one day you're the muse, the next you're old news.</i></div>
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<br />
<br />
Ten days ago, I witnessed A and Cockroach Boy smile at each other coyly, hold hands, until the night ended with a big bang inside a rolling, rocking vehicle parked outside a restaurant as the sun crept up. Needless to say, I thought it was spectacular!<br />
<br />
Bravo, I whispered to myself as I slowly munched on a breakfast of fried rice, scrambled eggs, longganisa, and adobo, waiting for the car to explode. This ... this is how you do it.<br />
<br />
"And so ... how is Friday boy?" I asked Arlan the next day.<br />
<br />
"Please please please please! Let us not call boys Friday guy or moment ago boy. It is so nasty," he said, as we both laughed. "But seriously, wish me luck honey. I like him."<br />
<br />
"Oh come on," I replied grinning. "You and I both know how this story will end."<br />
<br />
"You're so judgmental, bitch," A quickly replied. "Between the two of us, you are the real Ice Queen."<br />
<br />
"Hahaha. What can I do? When your history is filled with decapitated corpses with their hearts torn out."<br />
<br />
"Seriously ... sumeryoso ka gaga ka talaga! (Be serious and stop it!)," A said. "Haaaay ... it tends to get lonely up here. I need a permanent consort!"<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
But days later, Cockroach Boy suddenly stopped responding to A's messages. Guess who didn't like that very much?<br />
<br />
"Honey, does he really like the guy?" I asked Vackie.<br />
<br />
"Well .. maybe. But I think, naiinis siya kasi naisahan siya (he's upset because someone pulled one over him)!" V said as we both laughed.<br />
<br />
"Who would have thought?" I said. "The player gets played."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>A few days later</i> ...<br />
<br />
"You feel better?" I asked Arlan, checking up on him.<br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New'; font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">"<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I miss him up to now so I guess I haven't recovered; I'm still ill. This
disease called love. Haaaay. So you .. you'd better not fall in love!"</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Note to self: <i>don't fall in love.</i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span>
"Anyway," he continues, "I've been working out. Later, I'll trim my hair. The best way is not to win him back when he sees me; just get a new cock. A better one."<br />
<br />
I could feel his voice hardening.<i> Uh,oh. Looks like the Ice Queen is back.</i><br />
<br />
"Let's go out this Saturday, Republiq / Cabana. Reserve the day," he said in a commanding voice. "Guys will fall and we'll just fuck them all."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Nowhere is this truer than in the Upper East. Buckle up ladies, looks like we're in for a rough ride.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>I may have been gone a long time, but it seems some things are forever. A broken heart. The threat of war. And the fall of the mighty.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>And just because I've seen it all, doesn't mean I've seen
everything. And I must admit, even I didn't see this one coming. You may think my best
days are behind me, but this old girl still has some new tricks.</i><br />
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<i>It feels good to be back. And try as you might to fight it, you know you missed me.</i><br />
<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><i>XOXO</i></span><o:p></o:p></div>
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-75646019235869754452013-06-10T09:19:00.000+08:002013-06-10T13:49:43.155+08:00Reckless<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
It was late Saturday night and I was on my way home from the theater. I had just seen the French film<i> Rust and Bones</i>, which starred Marion Cotillard and Matthias Schoenaerts. I thought it was brilliant in the way it portrayed people who inhabit the edges of life, their "sinewy determination, their guile, and above all,their recklessness," as Rachel Cooke wrote in her review for The Guardian.<br />
<br />
So there I was ... driving home, listening to music and pondering the film when my friend Brian texted. He was partying at club Haze where Cosmic Gate was performing.<br />
<br />
"Hay ... I'm so stupid Kane," he said. "I've already spend 4,300 bucks. I'm with my crush kasi."<br />
<br />
"Honey, it's okay," I said. "These are the stuff memories are made of."<br />
<br />
"That's what I'm thinking. Haayyy! For the great memories!!!" Brian replied. "Thank you K, I'm glad you understand me."<br />
<br />
"Of course. You know me. What do we treasure when we're older if not moments like these," I told him. Things one cannot hold on to, I thought to myself.<br />
<br />
"The price we pay for great memories," he said. "Hay ... things like these were free when we were young."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Oh ... but we did pay a price Brian. We paid for it <i>dearly</i>. With our youth.<br />
<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: white;">-</span></i><br />
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-86288968604721499682013-06-03T16:52:00.000+08:002013-06-03T16:52:14.892+08:00Labor of Love<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Previously:<br />
<a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2012/07/ship-ahoy.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #660000;">Ship Ahoy</span></a><br />
<br />
"<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.796875px;">It was </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.796875px;">magnificent</i><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Georgia, serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 20.796875px;">. It was like New Year's eve, it was like the fourth of July, it was one of the best moments of my life as a journalist. I was overwhelmed. Feelings of joy, of wonder, of inexplicable emotions got me teary-eyed and I thought to myself, 'Wow, am I a lucky bastard or what.' I actually got to see this."</span><br />
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Originally written in February</i><br />
<br />
My teammates from India to New Zealand and I were all gathered for our annual meeting via video conferencing. It was a big day, with the VIPs (Very Important People) flying in from New York and Washington to Asia to join us.<br />
<br />
I was excited to see my teammates and to hear from our managing and executive editors whom we rarely interact with. I belong to the South Asia economy team, and we write economic reports for the region. These are typically stories about central banks, finance ministries as well as the regular economic data such as inflation, exports, etc.<br />
<br />
During the meeting, the editors announced the winner for the story of the year. Each year, they choose from among the works produced by my team. It's a sort of recognition for the best reporting we've done in the past 12 months.<br />
<br />
And then they announced that <i>I</i> won.<br />
<br />
"It was a very tough call," Chris, a managing editor explained. "We had a lot of very good stories last year." He enumerated some of them which included a story about fruit and vegetable sellers in Australia, Ferrari deaths in Singapore, and cobweb-covered crates in Vietnam.<br />
<br />
"But we all think that this story about the changing demographics in Asia was the most compelling, the most visionary and agenda setting," he said. "In many way, this is the kind of reporting that characterizes what we do. It doesn't only tell you what's happening now, but also what's going to happen in the future. It was a unanimous decision."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I was <i>stunned</i>. I didn't even nominate anything I wrote. You're supposed to nominate your best work, but I did not nominate anything since I didn't expect to win. I know I'm good, but as I keep telling my friends, I work with some of the best minds in the world and the stories they write are the kinds of news reporting that prompt governments to take action, change policies, create laws.<br />
<br />
I could feel a silly grin growing on my face before I realized I was on a video call and they could all see my reaction. I tried to be calm but inside, all I really wanted to do was scream and shout. My God, I won. Me.<br />
<br />
It was one of the happiest moments of my life. That night as I slept, I suddenly thought of the strange journeys we take that lead us to unexpected places. I never planned to be a journalist. It was one of those things that I accidentally fell into. I thought of the years I've spent being a reporter, dreaming of writing stories that one day can change the world.<br />
<br />
Maybe, I thought as sleep slowly settled in, that day is not so far away.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>"Now I'm just chasing time</i><br />
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<i>With a thousand dreams I'm holding heavy<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>And as we cross the line these fading beats have all been
severed<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>Don't tell me our youth is running out<o:p></o:p></i></div>
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<i>It's only just begun."</i><o:p></o:p></div>
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---Foxes, "Youth"</div>
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-9027856554309484552013-05-21T11:07:00.000+08:002013-05-21T11:07:56.147+08:00Just Dance<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<br />
<br />
Previously:<br /><span style="color: #660000;"><a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2009/08/wish-you-were-here.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #660000;">Wish You Were Here</span></a></span><br />
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<br /><i>"We danced that night, and had our first kiss. But what I remember most is how when I hugged him tightly, he wouldn't let go. Naramdaman ko na ang lungkot lungkot niya. (I felt how terribly sad he was. How forlorn.) </i></div>
<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>And I thought to myself: here we are, two lost souls clinging to each other for comfort because we are sad. And at that moment, we only had each other. I realized I needed someone who could give to me, who would bring me joy. </i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>But it wasn't him."</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
It was going to be a long night. Raffy was returning to Qatar the next day and we were all gathered to celebrate his departure the best way we know how: bars, boys and alcohol.<br />
<br />
At exactly nine in the evening, I tweeted my friends to wake them up. "Wakey, wakey Upper Eastsiders. As a Black Swan ballerina once said … it's time to dance."<br />
<br />
We were supposed to meet at around ten thirty for late dinner and then drink. With the prospect of five bars and clubs ahead of us, I was half excited, half dreading the night. Excited to see my friends (and possibly meet a hot guy), while dreading the copious amounts of alcohol that will surely flow and the certainty that the night will not end until the sun rises. One must not forget, after all, that I'm no longer a spring chicken and that these endeavors are more prone to tire me that they used to.<br />
<br />
Still, like a good soldier (and friend), I decided to brave the night. By two in the morning, we were in the third bar for the night and downing glasses of Jack Daniel and shots of Jägermeister.<br />
<br />
And it was then that I saw a short, lanky young man chatting loudly with his friends at a nearby table. I could tell by the volume of his voice that he was a bit smashed. They raised their glasses, and he suddenly offered the saddest toast I've ever heard.<br />
<br />
"<i>For all the wounds that never heal!</i>" he shouted, while beads of perspiration trickled down his face. Startled, I paused midway during a conversation with a guy, and I turned to looked at him closely. He couldn't have been more than 23, 24. I wondered what could have happened that made him say that. But then again, I suspect I already knew the answer.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Much later, I did get a chance to meet him and I teased him about what he said earlier. "So … for all the wounds that never heal, eh?" I said, grinning at him.<br />
<br />
"What? Haha. I was just joking," he replied, laughing.<br />
<br />
"Time heals all wounds," I told him, offering to him the much-repeated words of Geoffrey Chaucer. He smiled, and nodded briefly, but I knew those words don't mean anything to him. At least, not yet.<br />
<br />
I wanted to console him, but how do you sum up the wisdom of years in a few minutes in a packed and noisy club? They were playing a song the crowd loved and people were swaying and dancing, bumping into each other while my friends were already starting to surreptitiously get the numbers of guys they liked.<br />
<br />
"You know," I told him, "When I was going through a difficult break-up, whenever I was out at a club, I took comfort in the words of a wise woman who once said, '<i>Just dance … gonna be okay</i>'."<br />
<br />
We both laughed. "It may sound silly … but I did. I danced and danced, and … she was right. It's gonna be okay."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The next time I saw him, he was dancing with his friends. His eyes were still sad, but I could see he was trying. Perhaps, all he has for tonight to comfort him is the alcohol, and the music, and his friends. But that's good enough.<br />
<br />
And maybe one day, he'll make it too.<br />
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-9614208321289787552013-05-09T17:32:00.001+08:002013-05-09T17:41:55.864+08:00Shotgun Wedding<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i>"What you want, nobody can give you."</i></div>
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---Mary Karr, "<i>Lit</i>"</div>
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My phone beeped.</div>
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"It's official K," C texted. "We're together as a couple!!!"</div>
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"OMG! You fuckin' got hitched! Congratulations! I'm happy for you!!"</div>
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<br /></div>
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"Honey," I told Vackie. "May boyfriend na si Carlo (Carlo now has a boyfriend). Call it a shotgun wedding or whirlwind romance or one last desperate attempt to escape being an old maid, but he did it."</div>
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<br /></div>
<div>
"OMG! You mean he actually managed to find a good man and keep him?" he replied as we both laughed. </div>
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"I know!" I said. "Who would have thought? Imagine, after all these years... "</div>
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<div>
Sometime late March, Carlo and I sat down over bottles of beer and discussed our seeming inability to find romantic partners. What's wrong with us? we wondered. Were we being too picky, was there a dearth of suitable candidates, were men not attracted to us?</div>
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"Ang tagal ko na ring single (I've been single for a long time now)," C said. "When people ask, I just say four years but it's really a lot longer than that."</div>
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"I've been thinking, I'm always too careful. You know me. Maybe I should take a chance," he continued. "What about you?"</div>
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What about me? I pondered silently about the question as I took a swig of the beer. "You know what I've been thinking about lately?" I said. "How I was about 18 when I first started watching Sex and the City. Carrie was about 32 then and, now can you believe it? I'm as old as she was in Season 1!"</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
"And I wonder, haven't I've learned enough from watching all those girls date, break up, date all over again? I thought somehow we could skip all the messy dating part and go straight to happy ever after," I continued. "I guess not. And sometimes, I get to think I'm really becoming the ultimate single girl."</div>
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Like Carrie and the girls. Stable jobs, parties, dates. One after another. But as someone once told me, "I am happiest when I'm in love." Those words echoed in me.</div>
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And so when people would ask me why I'm not with anyone, I always give the same response. I'm always the date, never the groom. That is my fate.</div>
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<div>
The past few weeks have been a little difficult. Carlo has always been one of my constant companions in the last few years, always the one raring to go out, to have a drink. Saturday night would come and his call for action would be: "Where are we going tonight?"</div>
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<br /></div>
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But ever since he started dating, we haven't really spent time together. I miss him. I <i>understand</i>, of course. I know the drill oh-too-well. And I am happy for him. </div>
<div>
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<div>
That night, I texted him.</div>
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<br /></div>
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"I'm really happy for you C. I know how beautiful and amazing it is to find love. You, of all people, deserve this. </div>
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I miss you, but I guess that's part of it. I love you "</div>
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Days passed. One day, I was startled to receive a message from a guy, well, if we were to be completely honest, a guy I ... kind of like. My heart … <i>fluttered</i>. </div>
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Be still, I told myself. He couldn't possibly like you. He's just … being nice. Nothing more. But secretly, I wished he did. I wished he did.</div>
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<i>"Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better."</i></div>
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---Samuel Beckett</div>
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-68903873738062420842013-02-28T14:23:00.000+08:002013-02-28T14:23:00.820+08:00The In-Between<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
Previously:<br />
<a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2011/01/gossip-girl-mi-querida-senorita.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #660000;">Gossip Girl: Mi Querida Señorita</span></a><br />
<br />
"So, are you seeing anyone?" I asked her.<br />
<br />
"Yes," Fran replied. "And he's married."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"Hey hun, kamusta?" I asked.<br />
<br />
"I'm okay. Eto, drinking on a Tuesday night," Fran said. She laughed, and it was bitter. The type that cuts you up like tiny blades, hard and dry. Fran had just broken up with her boyfriend of two years, a man she had deeply loved. It was an agreeable decision but things are starting to get messy.<br />
<br />"Wow … someone's starting the weekend early," I quipped. "You okay?" I sighed.<br /><br />"Not really." She paused. "Inis ako hun. He told me he was going to be out of town last weekend but he got back pala Saturday. Nakita ko lang kasi na tag siya sa isang photo."<br />
<br />
"So I texted him 'I didn't know you were back'." And he replied, "Oh, I didn’t know you wanted to be informed."<br />
<br />
"I said, 'I didn’t know you didn't want me informed.' And that was it."<br />
<br />
"Naiinis talaga ako hun," Fran repeated. "He's cutting me off. Fuck. That's what I do. <i>I </i>cut people off. But this time, I'm on the receiving end. I thought he was better than this."<br />
<br />
"I'm sorry honey," I said, trying to console her. "I guess it sucks when people disappoint us. Nakakainis no?"<br />
<br />
"Are you sad that it ended, or how it ended?" I asked.<br />
<br />
"I'm sad it ended. But I'm not sad how it ended. I'm angry at how it ended."<br />
<br />
I laughed. "I can just imagine how you feel. It must have been like a complete shock. Like Pearl Harbor. You were caught in a stealth attack!"<br />
<br />
"Bravo! Round one goes to him," I said. "I'm excited what happens in the next round. What if he becomes sweety sweety uli?"<br />
<br />
"Ayy naku," Fran said. "I won't be caught off-guard again. This time, my defenses are up."<br />
<br />
"Hahahaha. We'll see honey whether those walls will hold."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
That night, I got to thinking. Is it our fault that we let our walls down and let people in? Was all the joy we experienced worth all the pain once a relationship ends? Is there really an un-messy break up?<br />
<br />
Earlier this month, Carlo and I were giggling talking about the love month and all the excitement it brings. But February is ending. This morning, I woke up and felt it. It's the season between the seasons. It's no longer cold but neither is it blistering hot. I call it the <i>in-betweens</i>. It makes me feel incredibly nostalgic and a wee bit sad, like something's slipping away and you try to hold on to it. But you can't.<br />
<br />
Seasons come, and then they go. That's just the way it is. Just … the way it is.<br />
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-59676038132372828922013-02-08T17:22:00.000+08:002013-02-08T22:47:53.042+08:00Alessandra<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">"Ahia, I'm here at the hospital now," Shobe said. "My water bag broke. But baka tom pa tong si baby lalabas. (But I think the baby will come out tomorrow.) Please keep me in your
thoughts and prayers."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ahhhh... and so it is time. My little sister is giving birth to her first baby. I guess she's not so little anymore.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">"Thank you for letting me know. So you'll stay there for the
night? You feel ready?" I said. I was excited, nervous, and a little sad I wasn't with her. I knew this was one of those life moments you'll never forget. I suddenly felt acutely the thousands of miles that stood between us.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">"Yes stay na. Connected to the monitor and I'm on fluids already. Ito
pala feeling ng patient (So this is how a patient feels)," she said and laughed. It was nervous laughter. She was quiet for a while.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">"My back hurts though," Shobe said. "Hopefully I can get some
sleep before showtime begins tomorrow. I'm a little anxious kasi i don't know what the <i>pain </i>will be like but I'm ready for it. Kakayanin."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: inherit;">"I understand," I said. I was getting teary-eyed. I was worried for her, I wanted to hug her. She's my baby, still, and that will never change, no matter how many babies she gets. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">"But ikaw pa Shobe! You're one of the bravest person I know," I said, as I tried to cheer her up. "And pain is good, once in a while. It reminds us we are alive."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">The next day, my dad texted. </span></div>
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">baby Alessandra </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">born 1/28/2013 5:31 p.m. </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">white complexion 7.02
pounds 19.5" </span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">she's a happy baby girl.</span></blockquote>
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And just like that, life begins anew. Honeylet, daughter, wife, sister, is now also a mother. You know what Dad, I'm happy too.<br />
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-37943942187768973502012-12-04T18:30:00.000+08:002012-12-05T08:29:49.788+08:00High Risk (II)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
Previously:<br />
<a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2010/11/high-risk.html" style="color: #660000;" target="_blank">High Risk</a><br />
<br />
<i>"While waiting for the result, I realized this is how I will always feel during an HIV test, that I will always be a little <i>scared</i>. No matter what you do to protect yourself, there is always a risk you will be exposed to the virus during sex."</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I was nervous, edgy, fidgety; the all-too-familiar dread was making me anxious as I waited for the results of my regular HIV test. Only, it hasn't been that regular of late. The last time I got myself tested was two years ago. <br />
<br />
"My God, honey. Can you believe it?" I said to Vackie afterwards. "After all the countless random and not-so-random encounters, I'm negative!"<br />
<br />
"Akalain mo, sa dami ng nakasex mo nakalusot ka!" V replied. "Kailan ka ba titigil? Naubos mo na ata ang cute sa <i>Grindr</i>."<br />
<br />
"I don't know," I said and sighed. "What's wrong with meeeeeeeeee?"<br />
<br />
"Matagal na nating tanong yan. Grabe, tinalo mo pa ang carinderiang laging bukas para sa gustong kumain. Honey, you're like a convenience store na, a Ministop. Bukas ng veinte cuatro horas."<br />
<br />
"OMG! I hate chuuuuuuu!" I protested while laughing. "Basta, the important thing is that I get myself tested."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
While many of us are undoubtedly familiar with the joys of sex, some are still unaware of its peril. Sex is a double-edged sword. It can bite back. Ever since I found out some of my friends have HIV, I have become a strong advocate of safe sex and getting yourself tested.<br />
<br />
While many nations are reporting lower new infection rates of HIV, the Philippines is among nine countries where we see increasing incidence rate of HIV infection among adults 15 to 49 years old, the <a href="http://www.unaids.org/en/media/unaids/contentassets/documents/epidemiology/2012/gr2012/20121120_UNAIDS_Global_Report_2012_en.pdf" style="color: #660000;" target="_blank">Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS</a> said in a report released last month.<br />
<br />
Very few people get themselves tested, with the median proportion of men who have sex with men receiving an HIV test in the past 12 months at 38%. <br />
<br />
To stop this, more people have started campaigns and awareness programs to educate the public. Niccolo Cosme, who has been active in the fight against HIV through social media, did a photoshoot a couple of weeks ago. He aspires to help spread awareness among the public through social networking sites like Twitter and Facebook. I joined him this year and apparently, after a lot of editing this is how I look like if I had perfect skin.<br />
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<br />
<br />
While having photo shoots <i>is </i>fun, it doesn't mean that our problem is serious. I'm asking you to get yourselves tested, and to encourage your friends to do the same. It sounds trite, but each small thing can lead to something greater.<br />
<br />
Have fun, have lots of sex, have lots of safe sex. All you really need is rubber and a really tight ass. <i>I'm kidding! </i>All you need is a tight .... I mean, all you need is rubber!<br />
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-27175762238816426562012-11-09T14:23:00.002+08:002012-11-09T14:23:44.965+08:00Wheelchair<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Previously:<br />
<a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2012/03/better-days.html" style="color: #660000;" target="_blank">Better Days</a><br />
<br /><i>"Three of my Tita Deng's siblings died in the past few years. One of them
was a brother she dearly loved. He was her housemate, her companion.
Her friend. She never really recovered, I think. She is turning 88 years
old this year, and our talks are now full of her laments in life. How
difficult it is to be old ... and weak. Her increasing inability to
walk. How lonely she feels."</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
While the rest of the nation were visiting the dead, I decided to see the living. It has been a few months since the last time I took Tita Deng out. I was always too busy, too tired, too preoccupied with work, friends and boys. <i>Next time na lang</i> <i>(I'd do it next time)</i>, I'd tell myself when I'd wake up the next day with a hangover after a night of partying. <br /><br />And I found myself saying that every week. <i>Next time na lang</i>. There was always an excuse I used to assuage my guilt but I knew I should see her soon. So last weekend, I called her up and told her I would be picking her up for lunch the next day. A date with her always takes time. I'd have to go to Antipolo to fetch her, then we would go to wherever we were going to eat, then I'd have to bring her back, before I head home. All in all, it takes about eight hours.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />I slept early the previous night so I'd wake up early. I had already researched some restaurants we could try and I was looking forward to spending time with her. Tita Deng and I always had fun. We would laugh and talk about many things, she always had a sense of humor that hasn't been dulled by old age.<br /><br />I was shocked when I saw her. She came out in a wheelchair, looking very frail and thin. Apparently, her health has deteriorated dramatically. She can no longer walk because her knees hurt due to arthritis and she is now forced to use a wheelchair, something she had always dreaded. <br />
<br />
The process of getting her inside the car was strenuous. I had to lift her and put her in the passenger seat. Then, I had to lift her wheelchair and put it in the trunk. By the time it was done, I was sweating heavily.<br />
<br />
Once I got in, I hugged her. "Tita Deng, kamusta ka?" I said.<br />
<br />
She started to speak but I couldn't understand her words. Later on, I learned she fell down and hurt herself badly in September, and that she may have had a mild stroke. Sometimes, her speech becomes slurred and she
finds it difficult to be understood.<br />
<br />
I looked at her and suddenly, she really seemed ... <i>old</i>. Matanda na talaga si Tita. I suppose I always had a feeling she would live forever, that she would always be around. I was getting sentimental and sad, but I hid it from her.<br /><br />I knew what she would like is for us to have a normal day together and act like everything's the same. So I greeted her cheerfully and told her how beautiful she looked in her blue dress. <br /><br />We went to Eastwood and decided to have lunch at a Thai restaurant since Tita Deng loves spicy food.We had pad thai, tom yum goong, steamed rice, and squid with garlic. I noticed her hands were trembling and she would spill some food on her lap, so I arranged her napkin so her dress wouldn't get soiled. I regaled her with stories; my sister's pregnancy, my travels, plans for Christmas, updates about work.<br /><br />"So Tita, anong balita sa iyo? (So Tita, what's new with you?)"<br />
<br />
"Alam mo ba, natumba ako isang beses. Actually ilang beses. Mahina na talaga ang tuhod ko. Masakit dahil sa arthritis. (You know what, I fell down once. Actually, several times. My knees are really weak now. It hurts because of arthritis.)"<br /><br />She winced and I could imagine how it must pain her. "Nabagsakan pa nga ako ng cabinet eh (A cabinet even fell down on me)," she said.<br /><br />"Oh my God!!! Nakakaloka!!! (What the fuck!!!!)" The cabinet she was referring to was a big one that's around five feet ten inches tall. She said people found her with blood on her face due to a gash, but otherwise, she was unhurt.<br />
<br />
"Nakakaloka! (The fuck!) Akalain mo, natumba ka na at nabagsakan ka ng ng cabinet pero ... buhay ka pa rin! (Imagine, you fell down and got trapped by a cabinet but look ... you're still alive!!" I said.<br />
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"Loco ka talaga! (You're such a smart ass!)" she said and we both laughed. I hugged her and smelled her shampoo on her hair.<br /><br />"Aba .. naligo ka!" I said.<br /><br />"Siempre, may date tayo eh," she replied, her eyes twinkling.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Afterwards, we transferred to another restaurant and ordered ube cake and a green mango-watermelon shake. Later on, I took her around the mall in her wheelchair because I know she likes seeing the shops and people watching. She doesn't go out anymore, and the only times she gets to see the outside world is when I take her out. I would tease her and push her wheelchair hard so we would be running across the hallway, and we'd be laughing afterwards.<br />
<br />
"Para naman akong bata nito," she told me with a smile.<br />
<br />
I remember something I read about how life comes full circle as we age. From a baby to an old man or woman. Once we rode strollers, later we'd be straddling wheelchairs. The wheel of fortune turns and sometimes we find ourselves right back where we started.<br />
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Time is running out. I don't know how much time is left for Tita Deng, and there's really nothing to be done about it. We all have to take our exit, at some point. She has had a long life, a good life and perhaps that is enough.<br />
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-77401147160512151272012-10-22T17:40:00.001+08:002012-10-22T17:40:45.823+08:00On My Own<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
<i>Originally posted on my Facebook account on Sept. 25, 2012</i><br />
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<br />
<br />
Previously:<br /><a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2010/10/farewell-my-concubine.html" style="color: #660000;" target="_blank">Farewell, My Concubine</a><br />
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<br />
<br />
My phone beeped earlier while I was at work. How are you K? Chris texted. Wow, I told myself. This was a surprise. I rarely hear from him these days.<br />
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"Busy, tired from the weekend, back at work, flying to Singapore on Thursday until Sunday for work," I said, quickly summarizing the events. "Ikaw? Kamusta ka? It's been ages."<br />
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"I'm doing great. :) Nangamusta lang. I miss you."<br />
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"Okay .. napaka vague ng great," I said. "Hahaha. Ikaw talaga. Walang balita?"<br />
<br />
Chris then rambled on, telling me about his new work, his training. And then he said "I'm so in love with my boyfriend. He's the best thing that happened to me."<br />
<br />
And just like that, suddenly, I remembered what it was like to be with someone, to be with someone you love. I smiled at the memory, and felt a little wistful.<br />
<br />
"I'm really happy for you," I said. And I am. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I am happy with my life; yet I know what I feel is nothing compared to
the joy Chris is feeling. They say nothing is as sweet as the nectar of
love. Not all the accolades at work, nor the adoration of men (or
women), nor the wealth of a thousand empires. Wasn't it the bard himself who spoke of the ecstasy of love?<br />
<br />
So tonight I sleep with a little smile on my face, thinking of Chris and his newfound love. <br />
<br />
And I think about the best thing that happened to me. I know it sounds
strange, but it's a small piece of truth I picked up along the way.<br />
<br />
It's the thought that no matter what happens, <i>I'll always have myself</i>.
They say it takes a certain kind of wisdom to be happy on your own. I
think I'm getting there.<br />
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-22253020904462471302012-10-09T15:45:00.000+08:002012-10-09T15:45:35.204+08:00The Power of Commercial<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Previously:<br />
<a href="http://kanesulfur.blogspot.com/2012/06/gossip-girl-inglourious-basterds.html" style="color: #660000;" target="_blank">Gossip Girl: The Inglourious Basterds </a><br />
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<i><br />"Short hair is more commercial, more sell-able. And I ... I wanted to be
sold. As the locks of hair started to fall, I felt like all the heroines
in all the books and films I've seen. I'm Romeo's Juliet, I'm Dante's
Beatrice. I'm Serena and Blair, I'm the Devil Wearing Prada."</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Arlan invited me to go with him to a birthday party and be his plus one. I haven't seen him for a while, and I was looking forward to a night of drinking and dancing. With a little flirting on the side, I hoped. I arrived at the venue first and waited for him at the lobby of the condominium. <br />
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"Oh my God honey. Ang guapo mo!" A said when he saw me. I smiled impishly and twirled around to show him my new haircut. <br />
<br />
"You think?" I asked, and we both laughed.<br />
<br />
"Shit! Kelan pa yan? For sure, marami kang makikilala niyan!" he told me.<br />
<br />
"Of course," I said. "Because it's commercial. Para lang iyang Jollibee, pang masa!"<br />
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<br />
<br />
So I caved in. For years, I held off from cutting my hair and opted for a more "unpopular" style, growing it long. I loved my long hair. It allowed me to change my look every now and then. I would curl it, tease it. But there's a time and season for everything. And one day, I decided to cut it short. <br /><br />Like ... really short. <br />
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The effect was instantaneous. Overnight, I became the darling of gay men as I paraded in clubs, parties, and events. I attended a play and I met a college freshman who followed to the restroom. That same day, I met another guy at the gym who wanted to take me out to dinner, mind you. My God, ano ba yan, I wanted to tell him. I'm easy. You don't have to buy me dinner. <br />
<br />Once, I was at a bar chatting with a friend when a guy nearby talked to me out of the blue, "Alam mo, ang guapo mo." I turned around, surprised. I was a little embarrassed.<br />
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"Ahhh ... wala lang iyan," I said, trying to downplay things. "Nakainom ka lang."<br />
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He kept on smiling. "Ang guapo mo," he repeated, nodding his head. I gave him a smile and felt my knees tremble slightly.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
A couple of weeks ago, I received a text message from a guy who kind of likes me. I was partying the night before and he saw me at the club. "Hi Kane. Hanga na ako sa charm mo. Panalo! You're an epitome of what a real chicboy is."<br /><br />
I reread the message again and again with a small smile on my face. Yes, I've had many compliments in my life. But each time, it still never fails to surprise me. I guess, deep down, there will always be a part of me saying "Me? You mean me?" That boy who always felt he was just ordinary.<br />
<br />
Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. But I must admit, it still feels good every time it happens. Someone once told me, "It never gets old". You know what, it really doesn't.<br />
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com17tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-80570412832839071122012-10-01T14:58:00.000+08:002012-10-02T09:33:15.783+08:00Little Boy Blue<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
Doni was competing in a drag show in Singapore and I was thrilled to have the chance to watch his counter-ego Mona Kee Kee perform on stage. I knew how much this means to him and I was happy that I'd be there to support him. For some, it may just be something for fun ... <i>katuwaan ...</i> but I knew that Doni was passionate about being a drag queen and this competition meant the world to him. I invited Nestle to join me and he brought along a couple of his friends.<br />
<br />
Dan was rather quiet and shy. We barely spoke at first. I was intent on watching the show, shouting my heart out, cheering for Mona until I got hoarse. The crowd was having so much fun, and Mona was clearly among the crowd favorites.<br />
<br />
Eventually, after the show ended we transferred to Tantric to drink and party. By then I was tired. A week's worth of exhaustion, a generous amount of alcohol earlier that evening, and lack of sleep were piling up and making me feel sleepy.<br />
<br />
I sidled up closer to Dan and made small talk. Up close, I noticed that he was cute. He wasn't the classic head-turner; his charm was the kind that reveals itself slowly. The big smile on his face, his steady demeanor.<br />
<br />
We chatted a little, I was a little tipsy so I don't know how exactly but after awhile we found ourselves flirting a bit. Hands briefly touching. My arms around his shoulder. The teasing smiles and grins back and forth.<br />
<br />
But then he suddenly straightened up and turned serious."I have a boyfriend," Dan confessed.<br />
<br />
Was it just me or did the room feel suddenly a little tighter? I slowly disengaged myself from him and we stood a little far apart. "Ahhhh ... matagal na kayo? (You guys been together long?)" <br />
<br />
"Four years," he replied. "Pero hindi na kami nag se sex. (But we don't have sex anymore.)"<br />
<br />
I was surprised. "Oh ... wow."<br />
<br />
"Kelan pa? (Since when?)" <br />
<br />
"Two years. I guess para na kaming magkapatid? (I guess we're more like brothers now?)" he said hesitantly, and gave me a tired smile. I wanted to hug him, to comfort him but I didn't know whether it was appropriate. He suddenly seemed frail and fragile under the bright disco lights.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Much later, we were about to go home as the bar was closing. We've lost Nestle, he was flirting and dancing with a guy the last time we saw him. Dan and his friend offered to drop me off at the hotel. His friend knew something was up between us and sat at the front of the cab.<br />
<br />
Inside, we sat quietly and made small talk. I turned to look at him and suddenly, I couldn't resist it. I kissed him and Dan ... he kissed back. It was quick, furtive, and the knowledge that there were other people including an old man in front made it more exciting.<br />
<br />
"Gusto mo bang sumama kahit sandali? (Do you want to go with me for a little bit?)" I asked him in a whisper.<br />
<br />
"Hindi puede eh. Magagalit siya (He'd be angry)," Dan answered. I knew who he meant.<br />
<br />
"Kahit sandali lang? (Even for just while?)" I said.<br />
<br />
He looked at me and I could see he was struggling. I knew he wanted to stay, I also knew he wanted to go.<br />
<br />
I stepped up the game. I kissed him again and unbuttoned my jeans a little. Then I took his hand and guided it to my crotch. I moaned softly. <i>Tang-ina sarap</i>. <i>(Fuck)</i> I knew Dan would never do that on his own. He would feel guilty, but I suppose having someone lead you to it eases the guilt a little. Our kisses were becoming more urgent. I was biting his lips, caressing his body. And then suddenly, we were at the hotel.<br />
<br />
We both got off and stood at the driveway. This is it, I told myself. What I would say and do next would determine how our night would end.<br />
<br />
"So ..." I started, giving him a devilish grin. "Sige na. Kahit sandali lang?" I coaxed.<br />
<br />
"Kane ..." he implored. "Hindi ko pa kaya (I can't do it yet.)"<br />
<br />
"Hindi ko pa kaya (I can't do it yet)," he repeated slowly. And then he gave me a look. That look which said --- Please huwag mo na akong pilitin dahil alam kong bibigay ako and then I'd hate myself afterwards (Please don't ask me again because I know I'll give in and then I'd hate myself afterwards.)<br />
<br />
We stood quietly still looking at each other in the wee hours of the morning. I moved closer and hugged him.<br />
<br />
"It's okay,"I told him. "I understand. You're a good guy Dan." And then I turned around and walked away.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
That night, I slept with an ache in my groin. Dan slept beside his lover with an ache in his heart. Somehow ... I knew which one of us had it worse.<br />
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Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com13tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-24374574384727505062012-09-24T16:40:00.000+08:002012-09-24T16:40:15.029+08:00Once Upon a Time in Anatolia<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp04ltoj13rJGN04aCjV7UaGVe-QEJ6HYdZZ4NZNBrjNkz5tqgO8HS4RVqVUzszXuhbqV1Clg10iMN-dFr8HmUgEAKwfdBuqcz_SPQ7G2X58sJtuGDCyTmpRTXwpLzhLhrRNM/s1600/once_upon_a_time_i_2168962b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgp04ltoj13rJGN04aCjV7UaGVe-QEJ6HYdZZ4NZNBrjNkz5tqgO8HS4RVqVUzszXuhbqV1Clg10iMN-dFr8HmUgEAKwfdBuqcz_SPQ7G2X58sJtuGDCyTmpRTXwpLzhLhrRNM/s640/once_upon_a_time_i_2168962b.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
"I think the human face is the most beautiful landscape," Turkish
director Nuri Bilge Ceylan said in an interview with The Telegraph. "The
face tells you everything. It's the only way to get to the truth
because, most of the time, the words we say are not true. We have a tendency to deceive others to protect ourselves."<br />
<div class="text_exposed_show">
<br />
Nuri directed and co-wrote the film <i>Once Upon a Time in Anatolia</i> which
won the Grand Jury Prize at the Cannes Film Festival last year. <br /> <br />
What he said made me think. Are the words we speak mostly untrue? My
first instinct was to say no, but is it my unwavering belief in the
goodness of humanity that perhaps blinds me to the truth?<br /> <br /> “I
don’t have very optimistic feelings about life,” Nuri said. “I like to
look at things realistically – and with that realism comes pessimism.
Man is dark. You feel the darkness inside your soul all the time and you
feel the potential for evil.”</div>
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</div>
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</div>
<div class="text_exposed_show">
<br /><br /><br />I know evil. Or, at least I think I do. It's there, inside all of us ... inside me. On most days, it's buried deep deep below I even forget it exists. Most days it happens to people and in places far away from us. Wars in Afghanistan, repression in the Middle East. It's easy to read through the headlines and not recognize it for what it is.</div>
<div class="text_exposed_show">
<br /></div>
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</div>
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And then there are times when you feel it quietly worm its way through your soul. Your anger can breed and fester into hate. It can happen to the most gentle of us, the kindest. Perhaps evil is a necessary human condition. Or perhaps, good and evil are always in a constant flux; one wanes while the other waxes. Who knows really.<br /><br />I'm thirty two and these things still baffle me. Still, I seek the answers.<br /><br /> <br /> </div>
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Click <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/culture/film/filmmakersonfilm/9146812/Nuri-Bilge-Ceylan-on-Once-Upon-a-Time-in-Anatolia.html" target="_blank"><span style="color: #660000;">here</span> </a>to read the interview. <br /> Click <a href="http://blogs.suntimes.com/foreignc/2012/09/once-upon-a-time-in-anatolia.html#more" target="_blank"><span style="color: #660000;">here</span></a> to read Seongyong Cho's review of Once Upon a Time in Anatolia. </div>
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<span style="color: white;">- </span></div>
</div>
Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-47544112677417032072012-09-14T17:42:00.001+08:002012-09-18T15:09:28.096+08:00Delight || Delirium<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi29mog2uufGNFjWQ6gVaeO36T9ADell1PlAdGdhMao0AaScmLOqTzwfNXEovnT_fQd3RjeQD2uNcR4Km50uPXmRBXdPx9C5j2lYbcqYFw680E2VujMsbgZsQhlyUyE97iM_TI/s1600/delight+delirium.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi29mog2uufGNFjWQ6gVaeO36T9ADell1PlAdGdhMao0AaScmLOqTzwfNXEovnT_fQd3RjeQD2uNcR4Km50uPXmRBXdPx9C5j2lYbcqYFw680E2VujMsbgZsQhlyUyE97iM_TI/s640/delight+delirium.jpg" width="450" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Note</b>: Please play the song below before reading this story.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
"When summer winds will again fly. To mountains untainted and new. Today is a good day to die," Samboy, a high school teenager in the play Bro said on stage. "Today is a good day to die," he repeated, wanting to die. "Today is a good day to die."<br />
<br />
I could feel my body shiver. I was having goosebumps as the words resounded throughout the small theater in U.P. where the four one-act plays that comprise <i>Delight || Delirium</i> were staged. Suddenly, I knew I was watching something I will never forget for the rest of my life <br />
<br />
<i>Delight || Delirium</i> is the final output as a creative writing student in U.P. of young playwright Riley Palanca. In his notes, Riley said the plays looks into that triggering incident that shifts the dichotomy from the pains of delight into the logic of delirium. <br />
<br />
"This is both a celebration and a lament of that psyche of an underground, masculine, and queer subculture, with each play layering deeper and deeper into the world of sex, drugs, rock ‘n’ roll, violence, rage, angst, war, power, and memories," he explained.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Here is a brief summary of each play that comprise the
festival.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Bro</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When five high school boys stumble into one of their
friend’s basement to engage in their usual drug sessions, little did they know
how it would be the night that would change them. As they get more and more
drugged, each boy zooms in on an incident in their group’s life, breaking down
the barriers between individual and group, ultimately leading them to question
why they became friends in the first place.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>Viper</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In a post-apocalyptic Philippines where the Clergy has taken
control of the government and homosexuals are being massacred, Viper, a
high-ranking rebel soldier, attempts to resurrect his murdered lover by
kidnapping and interrogating an imperial priest about the whereabouts of a
specific body part — only to find out that its discovery comes at a price.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<b>Magkano</b>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One night that could have been typical for two people: the
first throwing himself into the world in search of himself; the second, willing
to oblige — for a price. Both the callboy and the client are trapped in an
endless negotiation about boundaries and fetishes. When the games begin, their
whole philosophies on love, sex, and relationships (the big three) might get
either reaffirmed or shattered beyond thought.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><b>Little Black Book</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Who owns a memory? Who steals a memory? Is a memory a
fragmentation of truth or the weaving of a lie? What are these men, are they
men, are they characters, are they caricatures, or are they ultimately ideals?
One man questions his present by rooting through his past, clawing through the
shards that make him whole. A confession with no penance.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<br />
<br />
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
In <b>Bro</b>, we see five people discovering that sometimes, it's hardest to
be truthful to your own friends. Each of them keeps a secret; some of these
are revealed, some stay hidden. In <b>Viper</b>, the desperation of a lover clashes
with his principles. What makes a man, after all, if not his word?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In <b>Magkano</b>, we see two strangers slowly getting to know each
other and the truths and half-truths come out.<br />
<br />
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"Bakit ka nag callboy," the client Rick asked as
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<br /></div>
"Kasi gusto ko. Binabayaran ako para kumantot,"
Joe, the callboy replied.
<br />
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<br />
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"Ang gusto mo atang marinig nag-callboy ako
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"Manyak ako," Joe continued. "Mas manyak pa
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A little later, while he was being tied up, Joe asked Rick
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"Dati."</div>
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"Ba't di siya ang tinatali niyo ngayon?" Joe
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"Nahuli kong pinapasukan ng iba," Rick said, his
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made to us, promises we've made that got broken.</div>
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<div class="MsoNormal">
The <b>Little Black Book </b>tells the story of a gay young man named R and the various men he had loved. From his high school best friend to a
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"To be seventeen and invincible."
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"To be nineteen and naive."<br />
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"To be twenty two and hopeful."
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<br /></div>
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And I asked myself, to be thirty two and what? </div>
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<br /></div>
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Each play explores the shift from reality to fantasy to
reality in our minds, the worlds we create inside of us, places where the worst
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Perhaps those answers have to come from us.<br />
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<br />
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At the end of <b>Magkano</b>, as they were about to part Rick asked
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"Siguro mga ilang araw sir," Joe slowly said. </div>
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"Ganoon kabilis?" Rick asked, his voice
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"Ganoon kabilis," Joe replied, as a matter of fact. He must have seen the look on Rick's face.<br />
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"Wag mo ng isipin yun sir," Joe gently said.
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<![endif]--><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt;">sa pagkadami-dami ng motel, pagkadami-dami ng mga callboy, ako ang nahanap mo."</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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And then he walked away ... out of the room, out of the
play, out of Rick's life, out of our lives.</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Weeks have passed and I am still haunted by the memories of
Joe and Rick, of R and his various men, of Viper and his dead lover Chris,
of Kevin and Samboy and Nico and Kenn and Third. I remember them fondly, with a
bit of nostalgia.</div>
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<br /></div>
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Perhaps it is because at some point in my life, I have been
them. Desperate, angry, happy, hopeful. They remind me of myself, and that our stories aren't just our own, but a shared human experience.</div>
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<br /></div>
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And though, happiness may have been elusive in the plays,
perhaps it needn't be so in our own lives. Perhaps someday, the fantasies in
our minds can become a reality. And if not, well, one can always dream right?</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Postscript:</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Riley will be leaving for Canada before November. There are
plans for a re-run of the show. While interviewing him today, I asked him how
old he was. And he said, twenty two ... and hopeful.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I smiled as I heard the note of hope in him. It has been said that <b>Little Black Book</b> was based on his own life. Well, you have much to be hopeful for, I told him. I think you can
and will go far. And I will always remember where it all began.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="color: white;">- </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
</div>
</div>
Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-70070434412962150912012-08-31T16:12:00.000+08:002012-08-31T16:12:26.107+08:00Cosmo Girl Goes to Payatas<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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-</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTM_fYEMW5GkHJutEVJtln34TdwouUhyphenhyphen3ED5TdkluKTk_n12qT-ZRIA8uLsAyJxC2j5qY9TgQHDCDl2YjYfjq6wL-x8nClinWQiDH-C3hTiGvq16EbwSIQeog5g2yFs5I_EpQ/s1600/Satin_Tuning_Fork_Yves_Tanguy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiTM_fYEMW5GkHJutEVJtln34TdwouUhyphenhyphen3ED5TdkluKTk_n12qT-ZRIA8uLsAyJxC2j5qY9TgQHDCDl2YjYfjq6wL-x8nClinWQiDH-C3hTiGvq16EbwSIQeog5g2yFs5I_EpQ/s640/Satin_Tuning_Fork_Yves_Tanguy.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
I was getting fuddled as the glasses of vodka and martini piled up. I looked around and all I could see were good looking men and women dressed up in beautiful clothes, shining under the dazzling lights, but it failed to lift my spirits up. I was tired, I was getting tired of this.<br />
<br />
My God, my life is meaningless, I thought to myself. I keep buying clothes they're threatening to burst out of the closets, I'm drunk every single week, and random strangers hop in and out of my bed every other day. Is this what life is really all about? Is this what I really want?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Zzzzzzziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppppppppppppppppppppp.<br />
<br />
Okay, fine. Of course, I didn't really mean any of that. Are you fuckin' kidding me? I love my life. I just loved how it sounded so overly ... <i>dramatic</i>. And I suspect, many of you were bobbing your heads up and down, thinking finally! Kane's maturing! Bet you all wanna see that huh? *grins*<br /><br />Too bad it ain't so. But I do have other news. I have decided to expand my social activities and I am currently organizing a volunteer project with <a href="http://www.habitat.org.ph/site/index.php" style="color: #660000;" target="_blank">Habitat For Humanity Philippines</a>. I am inviting my colleagues at the office, friends, and if any of you are interested, I'd love for you to join. Perhaps some of us are looking for ways to help, and the best thing is, it's free. All we need is your time and hard work.<br />
<br />I am targeting at least 25 hours of work building houses in Payatas,Quezon City, of around eight hours per session. You can opt to join on the dates you're available. My company will match my hours of service with a cash contribution. It will be tough, it will be hot (or wet if rainy), tiring. But it should also be fun. We don't know yet the dates (it will be several Saturdays from September to November), but if any are interested, email me at kanesulfur@gmail.com.<br />
<br />Invite your friends, your family, your workmates. Especially if they're cute. After all, I am a firm believer in having fun while sweating it out.<br />
<br />"Can you hold my ... <i>tool</i>?"<br />
<br />
"Can you <i>screw </i>me, I mean, screw this?"<br />
<br />
See yah.<br />
<span style="color: white;">- </span></div>
Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-20664229419652630622012-08-17T14:12:00.001+08:002012-08-17T15:40:45.350+08:00The War Between Cosmo Girl and Relationship Girl<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3Ghf0tDxvbEnh7M4-ajfAR_nyAXNon4_nntzk3PMUywgcm5Z0RnC_yFj4MAllr5l7-jkgGoRH18vEStRYVbmseHVlkXeKG1WIIljDJQ9uaegwRV49AVllfstUJMAA46R1Y1U/s1600/mona.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3Ghf0tDxvbEnh7M4-ajfAR_nyAXNon4_nntzk3PMUywgcm5Z0RnC_yFj4MAllr5l7-jkgGoRH18vEStRYVbmseHVlkXeKG1WIIljDJQ9uaegwRV49AVllfstUJMAA46R1Y1U/s640/mona.jpg" width="450" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
"Good morning baby Kane!!!!" my friend Lyle happily greeted in Facebook chat.<br />
<br />
"Hahaha. Wow, someone woke up on the really good side of bed," I said. "Kamusta?"<br />
<br />
Lyle and I met a longtime ago during my first trip to the island of Boracay. He and
his friends lived on the island, working as drag performers for tourists and they
befriended me. I had just finished college, I was young and I was traveling alone. I was supposed to stay for three
days in Boracay but I ended up staying for more than two weeks.<br />
<br />
Lyle and his friends took me to Kalibo, to Iloilo, and I would have stayed longer if not for my mom frantically calling me and asking "What are
you doing there? Umuwi ka na!"<br />
<br />
At that time, I couldn't tell her I was just having sooooo much fun. Ahhhh, the joys of youth. Careless, carefree.<br />
<br />
"Naloloka ako sayo!!!" Lyle exclaimed. "Ang guguapo ng kasama mo!!!"<br />
<br />
"Oh my goddddddd!!!" I screeched back. "You're spying on meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! I hate it!!!"<br />
<br />
"Sino sa kanila ang boyfriend mo? (Who among them is your boyfriend?)"<br />
<br />
"Wala asus. (No one.) I don't have a boyfriend now," I said.<br />
<br />
"Bakit naman? (Why is that?)"<br />
<br />
"I'm a <i>Cosmo Girl</i>," I said. "I guess ... I don't want to settle down with just anyone. I'm taking my time and, well ... I'm having fun while at it actually."<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
For more than two thousand years, women were told that their role in society is to be good wives to their husbands, and good mothers to their kids. From a young age, they were trained and groomed to wash clothes, cook food, sew dresses and be loyal and faithful to their men. To be single means you were an oddity, and most people either pitied or disdained you. To belong: you must be a <i>Relationship Gir</i>l.<br />
<br />
It wasn't until postwar America when a new kind of girl emerged. The rise of the<i> Cosmo Girl </i>can be traced to Helen Gurley Brown, who as editor of Cosmopolitan magazine in the 1960s to the 1990s shocked the modern world when she told single women that it's okay to be single, and that it's okay to have sex. She taught unmarried women how to look their best, have delicious affairs and ultimately bag a man for keeps.<br />
<br />
Before she took over, Cosmopolitan's target reader was a married suburbanite, preoccupied with keeping the house spotless, raising the perfect child, baking the perfect Thanksgiving turkey. Brown ditched the children, the apron, the turkey and the house.<br />
<br />
Gone was the Relationship Girl, and in her place was that <i>Cosmopolitan Girl</i>. Unencumbered by husband and children, the <i>Cosmo Girl</i> is self-made,
sexual and supremely ambitious. She had delicious affairs, sizzling sex, looked great,
wore fabulous clothes and looked even better when those clothes came
off.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Yes, I'm a<i> Cosmo Girl</i>. And more often than not, I find myself caught up in the endless war between the <i>Cosmo Girl</i> and the <i>Relationship Girl</i>.<br />
<br />
The <i>Relationship Girl </i>calls <i>Cosmo Girl</i> a slut, a whore, a drunkard who fills her empty life with random sex and loud parties to forget how meaningful her life is. So what if she's wearing beautiful clothes, so what if she gets all the hot guys: nobody loves her. She points to her beautiful home, her loving husband, her immaculately dressed children as proof of her success. Look! My life has meaning.<br />
<br />
On the other hand, <i>Cosmo Girl</i> calls <i>Relationship Girl</i> a sell-out who got knocked up as a teenager and married her highschool sweetheart. Her life is filled with mundane, repetitive chores: washing the dishes, scrubbing the floor. All that she has is her family and her house, and nothing more.<br />
<br />
In reality, people are rarely this extreme but I have often been the subject of strangers and friends questioning and judging my lifestyle. <br />
<br />
"Gimik na naman?" ("Going out again?")<br />
"Puro ka na lang sex." ("You're such a slut.") <br />
"Lagi ka na lang lasing." ("You're always drunk")<br />
"Bakit kasi hindi ka magpakatino?" ("Why don't you get serious and settle down?")<br />
<br />
People would say these with a raised eyebrow and a questioning look on their faces. And I sometimes feel I have to explain my lifestyle and my choices again and again. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I hate Sundays. On most days,<i> Cosmo Girl</i> and <i>Relationship Girl</i> are even, but it is during Sundays when <i>Relationship Girl</i> triumphs and <i>Cosmo Girl</i> falls.<br />
<br />
On Friday and Saturday nights, <i>Cosmo Girl</i> lords over the city. Clad in high heels and tight dresses, she sips a cocktail while playfully flirting with a guy she just met. Meanwhile, <i>Relationship Girl</i> is dead to the world, snoring in her bedroom waiting for her boyfriend or husband to come home.<br />
<br />
But during Sundays, the tides turn. <i>Relationship Girl</i> is spotted shopping with her beau, lunching with the in-laws, attending mass in her classic <i>Chanel</i>. Meanwhile, <i>Cosmo Girl</i> is suffering from a massive headache; she wakes up drunk, next to a stranger she met last night, and her eyes are smudged with mascara.<br />
<br />
Yes, ladies and gents, that's me on Sundays. And I expect that'll be the case for quite a few Sundays still. Until when, you may ask. My dear friends, only time will tell.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<i>Written in memory of Helen Gurley Brown, who passed away in New York City on Aug. 13, 2012. Even when I become a Relationship Girl, I'd still be a Cosmo Girl at heart.</i><br />
<span style="color: white;">- </span></div>
Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3103687.post-16772180289627392172012-08-10T16:40:00.001+08:002012-08-14T11:21:03.970+08:00The Most Beautiful Thing to a Woman<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div style="color: white;">
-</div>
<i>Written on the 8th of August, in the Year of the
Lord 2012 while monsoon rains battered Manila and flooded the city and nearby provinces</i> <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Dear Shobe,<br />
<br />
So ... thirty one, married, pregnant and alcohol-free. Who would have thought all that could happen in a year? Sometimes when I think of you I barely remember the girl you used to be. Things have changed dramatically, haven't they. <br />
<br />
Clad in <i>Marc Jacobs </i>and <i>Michael Kors</i> in your beautiful home near L.A.'s coast, you are the perfect example of the girl living the American dream. God, Shobe ... you made it. Your fairytale came true; the prince, the castle, the jewels (I'm kidding!).<br />
<br />
Sometimes, I envy you and the life you have. I suppose what I envy the most is how structured it is, how ... <i>stable</i>. Like everything's in place, things are exactly where they're supposed to be. No more roller coaster rides, no more lonely cold nights. Ang saya diba? Alam mo yan. <br />
<br />
When I hear your stories: refurbishing your home, entertaining the in-laws, and the body-racking nine-month pregnancy journey, it's a whole new world. I can't help but feel how different our lives have become. And how, it will become even more different.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>June, 2012</b><br />
<br />
"By the way, I have two great news for you," you texted me. "I got a job at Kaiser, my dream hospital. Plus I am seven weeks pregnant! I am sooooo happy :):<br />
<br />
"Hello Uncle!!!" <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgex-Pk8V8f0sfuMgO82jtQJfCv1nquZiWAk8Q5U4G6bUnkB4PP3BeDE79DNQuaK8Cn-IsEaTiX6Iba1QByt1mf8bvKsPbE_Y1bwLbNJOJQcqP7FVNx2jfprXMMJO3FyfXp-mg/s1600/baby+1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgex-Pk8V8f0sfuMgO82jtQJfCv1nquZiWAk8Q5U4G6bUnkB4PP3BeDE79DNQuaK8Cn-IsEaTiX6Iba1QByt1mf8bvKsPbE_Y1bwLbNJOJQcqP7FVNx2jfprXMMJO3FyfXp-mg/s640/baby+1.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Time stood still. I felt a mixture of emotions. I was shocked. Oh ... my ... God. Me??? Uncle???? I swear Shobe, I'll order your children to call me Kuya! <br />
<br />
But as I stared at the photo of the small fetus growing in your womb, I couldn't help but be thrilled, excited, and ... strangely enough, I was scared too. I didn't understand why then, and I suppose I unconsciously pushed the thought at the back of my head. I wasn't uncomfortable about how I was feeling about it. But as your birthday approached, I told myself: it's time to face it.<br />
<br />
And after some honest reflecting, I realized ... that I was afraid of losing you. I was scared of losing the girl who has always been there for me. I recognize that having a baby will mean a shift in priorities and I guess the selfish part of me didn't want to lose the spotlight.<br />
<br />
You know how everyone says we have such an amazing relationship. And we do, no? We've always taken care of each other, and I got used to it. You've loved me unconditionally, you were always there for me: when I needed someone to listen, someone to cry to, laugh with, drink with, party with, and of course, dance with! You and I have a special bond, alam mo yan. You and I, it's always been that way ever since we were small.<br />
<br />
Badj and I had dinner last weekend, and she was telling me how your priorities change once you have a child. No matter how much you want to see your friends, or go out: you just don't have the energy or the time for it anymore. Things do get better after awhile, she says, once you have adjusted.<br />
<br />
I must admit I was saddened by what Badj said. But then I remembered what a wise friend once told me: <b><i>life has its different seasons</i></b>. And I realize what I must do: it's my turn to give more. To understand when you will be too busy, or too tired from work and from taking care of the baby to catch up and talk. Or if we can no longer travel as much as before. Or dance like we used to.<br />
<br />
Because something is going to happen to you. Something magical.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
In the film <i>Venus</i>, which tells the story of an old man (Maurice) falling in love with a young girl (Jessie), there was a scene where Maurice brought Jessie to the National Gallery and showed her Diego Velázquez's "<i>The Toilet of Venus</i>".<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU9kJVr9l7I9OtUjn1kB9v5QqQ6j-dlQE8kPwn_iQIz70thdh-UVSW0aoK8zCXixjDQZJ_XUbbITbqbp8k72P_InVwE9rk2jb_nbvuHacOVrUt82mQwMRBOkqNizJ27DgSxV0/s1600/venus.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="434" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU9kJVr9l7I9OtUjn1kB9v5QqQ6j-dlQE8kPwn_iQIz70thdh-UVSW0aoK8zCXixjDQZJ_XUbbITbqbp8k72P_InVwE9rk2jb_nbvuHacOVrUt82mQwMRBOkqNizJ27DgSxV0/s640/venus.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
They were both gazing at the painting and Maurice tells Jessie a woman's body is
the most beautiful thing to most men. What is the most
beautiful thing to a woman? Jessie then asks him with a quizzical look on her face. Maurice gives her an answer which I think will ring truthfully in your heart: <i>her first child</i>.<br />
<br />
You, my little sister, will soon gaze upon the most beautiful thing you have ever seen. Your first child. I can only imagine how that would feel like.<br />
<br />
And so, if you remember what I told you right after your pregnancy news, it's true. I am overjoyed for you. It looks like you really are the girl who has everything. =) I promise to be there for you in whatever way you need me to be. <br />
<br />
So happy birthday my love. I am excited to see you again, and to meet the newest member of our growing family. I miss you terribly. <br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Ahia<br />
<span style="color: white;">- </span></div>
Kanehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13948473232058321828noreply@blogger.com11