Human, All Too Human

Shame on Me

2012-01-24T16:23:00.001+08:00

Brian is a cute, 21-year old boy I met online, one of the many catch from the world's friendliest planet. We weretexting, asking each other the usual questions, and the exchange eventuallylead to sexual topics. "What are you into?" I asked him.

"Sex friends, fubu," he replied. "Ikaw? (You?)"

"Puede. Bottom? You into roleplay? Threesome?"

"I am. I love threesomes."

"Ahhh. Good. Game ka," I said. Whew, kids nowadays, I thought to myself mentally shakingmy head. "What are your fetishes?"

"Nakakahiya kasi (It's rather embarrassing)," he said.

"Come on, okay lang yan. Just say it."

"Pissing."

I have not seen Ernest in a long time so I was excited tomeet him and catch up. He is one of my closest friends and has been living in Germany for six years now. Wewould see each other only when he comes home for the holidays.

"Ernestttttttt," I screamed. "God, how I missed you.Kamusta? (How are you?)"

Over some roasted vegetables, fish, and a bottle of wine, we talked aboutourselves and what happened in the past year. I teased him about all thehooking up he was probably planning in Manila.

"The thing is kasi Kane, gay sex in the Philippines canbe boring," Ernest said. "Nobody really goes beyond the top-bottomconundrum. People really rarely talk about or indulge in fetishes. There are some things I want to do but can't find people to do it with."

"Well, I'm sure there's someone out there in this city," I said.

"That's true. Pero mahirap maghanap,"

What Ernest said got me thinking. Was he right? Are people in Manila plain vanilla? Have we been left behind the sexual revolution and debauchery that began thousands of years ago in Rome and Athens? Was it just about who sucks who, who fucks who, and that's it. Or perhaps it's because we are just too shy to actually engage in our fantasies. The weight of all that Catholic dogma suffocating sexual freedom.

I was curious and I decided to make it apoint to ask guys I meet what their fantasies really are. And I discovered people do have fantasies. Gay men in thePhilippines want to be tied, blind folded, double fucked, piss on, be pissedon, have orgies, watch people have sex. It's just that … most of them find itembarrassing. Shameful. The fear that people will talk about them, spreadrumors.

Oh we know how we love to gossip.

"Tangina. Grabe yan, gusto niya kinakain lagi yung tamod."

"Naka threesome ko na yan eh."

"Dinouble fuck namin siya."

And the list goes on.

"So what will it be K?" E asked me. "Are yougoing to do it?"

"Well ... yep, I am," I replied. "I was thinking ... that ... starting this year, I willbe the guy who will make your every sexual fantasy come true."

"OMG!!!! Love!!" E exclaimed. "Hahahaha. Your fame will spreadfarrrrrrr and wideeeee. As if you're not famous enough."

"Hahahaha. Gaga. But I won't do everything of course. Light stuff lang. Noshit or blood, dead bodies or animals!"

"Ayaw mo ng sex with horses?"

"Hahaha. Gago. Nooooo I'm not ready to take on those roles," Iprotested laughing.

"Not yet, at least," E said.

"Fucker. Anyway, I want guys to feel comfortable with me, you know. To be able to do what they want without being judged or being talked about or being laughed at," I said. "Kung anong trip mo, game. As long as kaya ko."

"So ... like any good actor, I actually did my researchand watched porn videos of people engaging in water play." I continued."It's not my thing kasi. But it doesn't look too hard. It's just that the logistics needs to beplanned. Where the pissing actually happens."

"Love!!!! Yan ang gusto ko sa iyo eh. You're a perfectionist."

"Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint Brian. I'm going to givehim a night he won't forget. And who knows, I might actually have fun doing it."
-

The Hate Within Us

2012-01-17T09:54:00.000+08:00

One day, the Sufi saint Lal Shahbaz Qalander (The Red RoyalFalcon) was wandering the desert with his friend Sheikh Baha ud-Din Zakariya.It was winter and as night was approaching, they began to build a fire to keepwarm.

They found some wood but they did not have fire, so Bahaud-Din suggested that Lal Shahbaz turn himself into a falcon and get fire from Hell.Off he flew, but an hour later he came back empty-handed.

"There is no fire in Hell," Lal Shahbaz said."Everyone who goes there brings their own fire, their own hate, their own pain, pain fromthis world."

Gossip Girl: To the Ball, To the Ball!!!

2012-01-12T16:43:00.000+08:00

Previously:
Meet The Cast

Attention Upper East Siders! This just in. Word is ourit-boy Arlan is throwing the first ball of the year as he celebrates hisbirthday this Saturday. The entire kingdom is abuzz with the news as everyoneplots to outshine the other.

"OMG!!! I'm so excited," I squealed to Vackie."Nothing like a ball to start the year. Oh what to wear, what to wear? Wecan't possibly be seen in last season's clothes!"

"Hahaha. Soo … are you going for edgy skater boy or classic GQ?"

"I don't know. I was thinking more like sexy farmer's daughter?" I replied laughing.

"Honey, nobody fucks farmers' daughters. It's soooo Middle Ages," V said. "Besides, didn't that trend die down a few centuries ago?

"Hahaha. Fineeee. I just wanted to be more approachable," I explained.

"Approachable. not laughable," V countered.

"Okayyyy. I'll be the charming young man you bring home to your mother," I said. "All clean ... yet deadly. Whatdo you think?"

"In that case, I suggest you leave the mascara at home honey."

"Hahaha. Gaga," I replied laughing. "Fine fine, I suppose eyeliner will have to do."

A few days after the New Year, I received a text from Arlan.

"Hey K, thank you for loving me unconditionally,"he said.

"Well … you do make it difficult, at time," I saidwith a smiley face. There was more I wanted to tell him. That he's lucky he's inthe safe zone of my heart, among the ones who's entrenched so deeply they canno longer be eliminated, unloved. Because it can be hard at times.

I was surprised by what A said. Surprised that he thankedme. I have been doing a lot of thinking about us. The past year has been …rather strained. We rarely see and talk to each other. I barely know what he'sdoing, how he's doing, what kind of music he likes now, what films he's beenwatching, who is he dating.

Once, he called me up and during the conversation hesuddenly blurted out he had been listening to a lot of Broadway musicals. Itcaught me by surprise, how little I know this boy anymore. At times, I feel we mustseem like strangers to each other.

The only times we really connect now is when we go out and party. Nothing like us …together. He's just so crazy and wild and free, how he can control the crowd, get them to notice him, notice us. We get each other. We feedon each other's energy until it consumes us all.

Then we rest. Until the next party. Sometimes, I almost feelwe're no longer real friends, but merely party friends.

"I'm so excited honey na mejo may konting takot. Iswear, I swear!!! I'll control myself. Don't want to do anything I'll regretthe next day," A told me last night.

"Now where's the fun in that?" I said. "Itwouldn't be you without some scandal about your friends stealing your boys orus getting hijacked into some stranger's place."

"Hahaha. Parang ayoko papuntahin mga boys ko. Baka ahasin ninyo," hesaid laughing.

"OMG!!! How dare you accuse us?" I said, pretending to be indignant."Everything happens by accident. I talk to a cute boy, I get tipsy, alittle dizzy. I ask him to hold me up, and I just so happen to lean on him likeI'm the Tower of Pisa. I swear!!! Everything's an accident!!!"

"Hahahaha. Basta. Pinag-iisipan ko pa."

"Hahahaha. Fine, mabuti pa nga. You know us too well. I'm not sure we can… uhmmm, control ourselves," I said. "Malingat ka lang, paglingon mo …BAM! We're gone. I mean, he's gone."

"And oh, by the way, Fran decided to celebrate her birthday this Saturdayat the same place," I mentioned casually.

Silence.

"WHAT???? I can't believe that even up to now my evil twin sister stillwants to steal my thunder," A thundered. "Humanda siya! Magpapagandaako!"

I texted Fran. "I bring a message from His Highness,Your Majesty." I told her what A said. Her reply was curt. "Gameon."

I went back to Arlan. "I have Her Majesty's response, YourHighness." I gave him the message. His reply:

"Ahhhh so my twisted twin sister has gained too much confidence. She'sprobably forgotten the tragedy that befell ambitious lil' Anne when shetried to derail the attention of King Henry VIII from Queen Mary of Spain.

Unlike the late legal crowned Queen, I act fast. I make sure that myadversaries won't get a tiny drop of what they're thirsting for. Game on, baby."

A few minutes later, he texted. "By the way, Anne was beheaded."

And that ladies and gentlemen, is how we preparefor a ball in the Upper East. Happy birthday A. Can't wait for the bash. Betting on who'sgetting smashed. Have fun you little rodents.

XOXO
-

Gossip Girl: Beauty and the Beast

2012-01-10T16:27:00.001+08:00

Previously:
Blame It On Me

Once upon a time in a land called the Upper East,

a beautiful girl met a handsome Beast.

He put a spell upon her

a spell of love and wonder.

"What???? You shopped AGAIN????" Vackie exclaimed.

"Have you not heard of retail therapy?" I answered back."It's either I shop or I eat and I'd rather be poor thanfat. Besides, there's nothing like a pretty dress to perk a girl up."

"Hahahaha. Well, having pointed out the choices, I suppose shopping is themore preferable option," V said. "So what did you buy??"

"Oh ... Well, I may have gone overboard."

"Hahaha. Todo ka!!! Hay. You okay honey?"

"I am trying," I said, giving him a quick smile.

"Hay. You miss him, don't you?" V asked softly.

Gino and I have not seen each other for a while. We werehaving dinner to celebrate Christmas and catch up a little. I looked in hiseyes if anything had changed since the last time I saw him. He was still aseffervescent and bubbly as before, excited to tell all his stories, and we werehaving fun. Just like the way we used to.

The meal was ending, and an uncomfortable silence descendedupon us. We had only agreed upon dinner, and we both didn't know what to donext. Christmas Eve was approaching and he told me he was going to be spendingit alone.

"So anong plano mo after?" I asked him.

"Wala naman, ikaw ba?"

"I'm gonna see sina E. They invited me to spendChristmas at their home."

I knew he was waiting for me to invite him. But … I wasn't sureif that was a good idea. After all, I was trying to detach myself from him.

"Puede bang ibigay mo na lang sa akin ang Pasko,Kane?" he said quietly.

Sigh. What can I do? Just this once. Nobody should be alone on Christmas, Itold myself.

Gino tells me he misses me, that he cannot understand why wecannot talk and see each other. He tells me he cares for me but he just isn'tready for a relationship, that he cannot be monogamous.

"Gusto mo ba yung malalaman mo na yung boyfriend monakikipagsex sa kung sino sino?" he says. "Hindi ako yung guy thatyou deserve Kane."

In his mind, the unasked question is: Why did you have tofall in love with me? I wanted to ask back: Why can't you love me?

"I know what you need," V told me."You must find your true love's kiss to break the spell."

"My God … ang pressure naman. True love talaga? Can't I just shop mysadness away?" I said. "So I really should stop seeing him againhuh."

"Perhaps it's for the best."

One upon a timein the land called the Upper East,
a beautiful girl fled from a handsome Beast.

She tried tobreak a spell upon her

A spell of loveand wonder.

And across theriver, in a land far away

A mysteriousyoung man was making his play.

"Kane, this is James," my friends said,introducing me to a guy.

"Hi," I said tentatively.

James and I chatted a little, we had fun talking, and we agreed to meet againnext week.

"Here," he said taking out his phone, "giveme your number. I gotta go soon. Got to pass by the office."

"Do you want to come with me?" he suddenly asked.

I thought for a moment. I was tired … but

"Sure," I said.

The next day

"So I met a really nice young man last night," Itold Vackie.

"So did you and this really nice young man hook up? Youshameless girl you," V teased me.

"Noooo!!! There is no shame," I said. "He and I justtalked."

"Ooohhh. And does this chatty insomniac have a name?" V said.

"His name is James," I said. "He actually seems prettynice. The kind of boy you bring home to your mother."

"Ahhh… buthoney, the real question is, are you?" V said.

"Hahaha gago. I am!"

"Really? Because it doesn't seem that way with your … uhmmm, recentindiscretions," he said.

"Well I am trying to change," I said. "But it seems people like you won'tlet me."

"Are you now … I've seen this before," V said. "I'll hold myjudgment when I actually see it. But really honey, are you going to stop being the fun girl and be the relationship girl this year?"

Some fairy tales end where the girl gets her prince. Andthen there are those where the prince turns back into a frog.

But don't worry, my Upper East Sider friends. This storyisn't ending. We're just at the start of a brand new chapter ... of a brand new year.

But too often the new year brings with it old habits. Habits that often makes us feel we're reliving the past. But it looks like K's wanna be starting somethin'.

XOXO

The Tyranny of the Good

2011-12-19T12:26:00.003+08:00

I was a very young boy when I started reading books. One ofthe first genres I fell in love with was fantasy and I devoured the Dragonlancenovels with gusto.

Who could forget Caramon's big heart and undying loyalty tohis brother? Or Raistlin's constant torment between good and evil? OrTasslehoff's endearing charm, despite his thieving ways.

These books may talk about dragons and mages, of kenders anddwarves, but the characters in them face the same daunting tasks we are given, the struggle to be good.It may seem strange but the truth is, the worldthey portray is much like our world, filled with the same wars, the same sorrows,the same joys.

Filipina actress Valerie Concepcion tweeted last Sundaynight that she performed at a party for the Presidential Security Group wherePresident Benigno Aquino had laughed at her jokes and enjoyed her show.

It was a normal tweet perhaps for anyone who enjoyed meetingthe president, but the party happened when a tropical storm hit the country andkilled more than 600 people.

The message unleashed a flood of righteous indignation. People posted angry messages on their Twitter and Facebook accountscondemning her and the president for being insensitive, for having fun at atime when the nation was in mourning.

In the Dragonlance novels, there once was a Kingpriest who ruledat a time when the powers of good were flourishing in the world.

He fought evil and sought to end wars in the world. Butas time passed, the Kingpriest begun to persecute not only evil, but even thosewho did not think exactly like him. He had begun to assume that he knew whatwas good for the world, and those who opposed him were evil. He had becomearrogant, and in time, called upon the wrath of the gods.

I suppose there is always a danger when we start to expectthat people should think and feel the same way we do. Especially when we believe that howwe feel and the things we fight for are for the good. It can make us cross theline from righteous to self-righteous. When we begin to think that our way is the only way.

Under the guise of good intentions, personal liberties canbe questioned; the right to not feel bad, the right to have fun, the right tofeel happy.

C.S. Lewis, Christian apologist and staunch defender of the Catholic faith, was one of those whoconstantly warned against dystopian futures that arises from utopianvisions. In his book God in the Dock, he said

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of itsvictims may be the most oppressive. It may be better to live under robberbarons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron’s cruelty maysometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those whotorment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with theapproval of their own conscience."

I told Rudeboy that I found it interesting how people reacted. I am always curious about people, why we do the things we do, why we are the way we are.

"It echoes the late Christopher Hitchen's contempt about the comfort these 'hysterical bunch of pearl-clutching virgins and their righteous indignation' find in conformity," Rudeboy said. "Not to sound callous, but the world does not stop spinning for any tragedies, no matter how small or great. Christmas this year will still be celebrated with cheer, shallow or genuine, dead drowned bodies or none."

I understand that people are angry. They feel helpless, andworried and upset and as is often the case, we often lash out against those whoseem to not care.

But as we have seen in the past, people will learn to move on from tragedies. Lives will continue. The holidays will come. People willstill hold parties to celebrate, friends and families will give presents andcook a feast, even as thousands of others lie hungry, homeless and mourning their dead.

That hard fact may make some of us uncomfortable, squirm, orseethe at the seeming callousness and indifference but perhaps, that's just the way it is. Each of us can and will respond to tragedies in different ways. To help or not to help. To care or not to care. how much to care. To give or not to give. How much to give.

These questions pose delicate and complex issues about morality and examine our responsibility to help those who are in need. But I'm afraid there are no easy answers. Each of us must find his or her own way in the dark.

Blame It on Me

2011-12-06T17:06:00.001+08:00

Previously:
The Games We Play (I)
Beauty and the Feast

It begun in August. Gino had just broken up,and was lonely for friends. He barely kept in touch with people during the time he had a relationship and as a result, most of his friends abandoned him. We had known each other for a couple of years, he would call me once in a while to catch up but we were never really particularly close.

"Sama ka, my friends and I are going out," Iinvited him once. The party was fun and when it was time to go home, I offeredto let him sleep at my place.We chatted late into the night and I listened as he spoke of his jealous boyfriend who would never let him out of his sight, who gave him everything else but took away his freedom.

He had an excited quiet way about him, as if he had a secret which he longed to tell. He asked me why I don't have a boyfriend and I gave him my usual excuse. There's nobody to love, I said. Besides, isn't it more fun to be single? I gaily answered.

When we slept, he hugged me and ... I let him. It was not that I meant to - Idon't want to give that impression. It was just that he was so kind andavailable. And when we cuddled in bed, he was so warm and despite my cloudedeyes, I knew how to accept a gift.

We started hanging out every weekend. We would go to thegym, eat out, shop, travel, meet guys, go clubbing. He would accompany me on my errands, mychores. He was my de facto "date" during company events, birthdayparties.

My friends started noticing we spent a lot of time togetherand people would often ask if we were dating.

"Tell me, K, who is Gino to you?" E asked me once.I thought carefully before answering.

"He is like a fake boyfriend."

"OMG!!! Ppppuurrrrfeeeeeeeeeeeeccctttttt! I'm so proud of you, I'mactually crying right now."

I laughed. "Gaga ka talaga. But in a way, he is. He takes care of me, I take care of him, we spend time together, but without all the commitment drama. We can have fun with other guys."

"He's the perfect boylet K. I'm so happy for you."

"So, did I get an A?"

"A+!!! Sheeeetttt. I love it. But I'm worried about you."

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"K, you're the marrying type. (Yes, for now, you're aslut.) And you have the tendency to fall for him, I know you."

I shook my head, to tell him I disagree. I can't possiblyfall for someone like Gino. He was just so not my type. He was merely a companion, a friend whose company I enjoy.

"Whatever he does for you, suklian mo. But don't goover the top. Because if you go over the top, it means, you want something else,"E explained. "To maintain a fake boyfriend relationship and friendsin the future, everything must be equal. If you go on other dates, you let himknow, and always ask 'Do u want to meet after? Or how was your day?'"

"Wow, you are such an expert."

"You have the tendency to go over the top, K so theequal-equal part is important for you to remember," E admonished. "Cuddling is ok, but do not over do. And alwaysremember, it's a fake relationship."

His words rang in my head.

Tall, dark, and decisively handsome, it was easy for Gino toattract people. He would sometimes lament that people think he's just a sexmachine. As I listened to him rant, I thought to myself, he's probably the onlyguy complaining about his good looks.

It's not so bad right, to have people want you, desire you?On the outside, it may seem he's a confident young man, but as I got to knowhim better, I realize Gino was but a kid.

He delights in theme parks and dragged me once to take a ride. He easily gets scared of ghosts and scary stories.He likes to cuddle by putting his head on your chest. It was strange; thatinside his hulking frame hides a sweet boy.

And he is sweet. He would surprise me by bringing me a sandwich and fried chicken, some slices of cheese at times. He would cut the food we were eating intosmaller pieces so it would be easier for me to eat them, he would take care ofme when I'm drunk, to make sure my things won't get lost.

Gino introduced me to Anton once, a tall handsome guy he was dating. Fromthe look in Anton's eyes, I could tell two things: he knew he was handsome, andthat like so many other gay men in the club, he was hopelessly in love with myfriend.

Seeing my friend Gino's awkward grin, I knew something else:that Gino would never love him back.

Something changed as the months passed. As E correctlypredicted, I begun to get attached to Gino. It was not that I meant to - Idon't want to give that impression. It was just that he was so kind andavailable.

I shouldn't care too much, I reminded myself. It was only a matter of time, wasn't it? One of us will find someone else, a real boyfriend. It was a race and the stake was high.

One night, we were dining at our favorite restaurant.I was picking at the grilled chicken and steamed fish, I was morose. I saw hiseyes shift over to me and I realized he wasn't as cold to my moods as I thought. Somesong started to play in the background, an old song called"Lovefool".

"Love me, love me ... say that you love me,
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me."

I swallowed and said, "I think we need to stop …"

But all of a sudden he was telling a story, a funny anecdoteabout his aunt who he met in Davao. It was hilarious, and ourlaughter washed over my faltering words, over my doubt. He was louder thandoubt, eyes grinning, his laughing face half hidden in the candlelight.

The moment passed. And all I could think of was my surprise.That he could tell a joke so well. That he could be so charming, so engaging.

Who expects these things in friends, in quiet lovers. He waslooking at me, laughing at his story. I saw how beautiful he was. And it seemedto me that he was saying "Let it be for now."

For we both know it would end so soon, and whom else did we have? Those randomguys in the clubs, or in Grindr? I knew how that would be.

A prolonged, thrilling seduction. Some weeks of passion.Then ... nothing. How could I do better than this? This funny story, this lonelyboy, who was the only one in the world who could make me laugh.

How could I let this go, for a winter dream?

Weeks later, Gino and I bumped into Anton again in a club. After a polite exchange of talk, I made my way to the bar to get a drink. I looked over to where Gino was and saw he was being accosted by a couple of guys. He was thoroughly enjoying himself, basking in the attention. He smiled and waved at me, and I nodded back.

I turned around and caught Anton watching me with a faint smile on his lips. It seemed to be mocking me. Stupid boy, he'll never love you either.

I looked back at Gino and suddenly, I saw all too well how it would be from here. Gino would one day leave me, just like he left the others. And a leaving without the need for explanation, for a goodbye. For we really don't owe each other anything. We are friends, not lovers, something I'd almost forgotten. My heart was pounding.

How did it happen, I wondered? What safer arrangement was there and how did it go wrong? Did love creep in, tiny like a seed, only to grow larger and blossom with each shared meal, every night spent together? And the mystery of it all, why it would grow on one, and not on the other. Suddenly, I realize there was only one thing left to do.

I had to leave him first.

Blame it on me
I forgot the rules of the dance
We tip and we toe
We swirl and we turn
And then we dance with someone new
Always, there's someone new.
-

Gossip Girl: It-Girl Happened One Night

2011-12-01T12:19:00.001+08:00

Bonsoir, Upper East Siders. Did you enjoy Thanksgiving asmuch as I did? I know one person who didn't.

After three weekends out of Manila, I was dying to see my friendsto catch up and party.

"Hey! I miss you. I'm back. Are you going out thisweekend?" I said to E. "Sige na. (Come on.) I'll be out of town again nextweekend."

"Nasa Icon kami bukas. Birthday kasi of a friend (We'llbe in Icon tomorrow. It's a friend's birthday)," E replied.

"Oh."

"Try naming humabol? (We'll try to catch up?)," E offered.

"Fine. Fine. Just so you remember, honey, I am not astopover along the way. I'm a destination!" I said and we both giggled.

"Are you bringing your boyfriend?" I asked. E and his lover have an open relationship that allowed them to explorecertain possibilities.

"Yep, I'll be with Arcee."

"See yah."

E and his boyfriend Arcee arrived a little past three in themorning. E was a little drunk then, everyone was, and we were all having agreat time.

Arcee and I danced together. He had always been quiet;a rather shy and timid young man who would be content to sit at a corner and watchthe party.

I found him attractive the first time I met him and we wouldflirt playfully with each other. But tonight he seemed different. Iwasn't sure if it was the white shirt that showed off his lean body and madehim more masculine or the alcohol that made him more aggressive, but I could feelsomething was in the air.

My hand was around his waist and our crotches were bumpinginto each other. We were flirting, being coy with each other while the wholeworld was watching. I was having fun but I wanted to make the night moreinteresting.

"Ang saya tonight no?" I said. "Do you wanamake it more exciting?"

He nodded.

"I dare you to ask your boyfriend if you can make out with one of his bestfriends."

Spotlight on little A. Now put to the test by one Queen Bee.Will Arcee take the bait and go from Brady to Britney? Or will hisgoody-two-shoes mindset turn into the night's biggest buzz kill?

Arcee looked at me, smiled, and left without a word. When he came back, he whispered"Done", and we locked lips. His mouth was forceful, insistent. Thekiss left me breathless, giddy. I looked at him and saw him in a new light.

That night, Arcee kissed me, Gino, Chris, andseveral other cute guys in the club. We were all stunned as he flitted from men to men with a grace that belied his beauty.

Dawn was breaking. Pople were starting to leave asthe party ended. I approached Arcee.

"Hey, do you wanna go home with us?" I asked.

"Actually, I am going home," he replied."With my boyfriend." He nodded to the direction of E who was busyflirting with another guy. Ooohhh, a flat out rejection.

He was about to go, but he suddenly turned back.

"Maybe next time?" he said with a crooked grin.

I smiled back. "Done … and done."

Spotted: An it-girl being born. Word is Arcee killed the spotlight out of everyone and stole it for himself. It wasa debut the likes of which hasn't been seen since the time of … well,Kane, himself.

Looks like our girls have to watch their backs. But don't worry K, thebrightest stars burn out the fastest. Or at least, that's what I've heard.

Waiting for a star to fall.

XOXO

A Wedding and a Funeral

2011-11-25T14:47:00.001+08:00

I. Here Comes The Bride

My sister was getting married. Shobe, as I fondly call her, was marrying Junie, her boyfriend of nine years. Armed with a Barong Tagalongand accompanied with seven of my closest friends, I flew to Davao to attend thewedding. I had been preparing myself for this.

"OMG!! Bakit ang dami ninyo? (Why are there somany of you?)" my sister Honeylet asked me.

"Bakit? (Why?) I need my own entourage. Akala mo ikaw lang?" I replied.

"Hahaha. Gaga ka talaga. Baka matalo niyo pa angentourage ko!" she said laughing.

"Humanda ka! (Be ready!)" I said.

A month ago, Carlo, Fran and I observed a wedding inthe island of Boracay.

"How strange no," I said. "How weddings makeyou sentimental. Every time I witness two people getting married, it makes mewant to get married as well. It makes you feel you're ready. All of a sudden, you become the relationship girl."

They both nodded, agreeing. We were all lost in our respective reveries whilesipping mojitos at the hotel's bar.

"But then, when you're in the club and some cute guysare flirting with you, you suddenly think 'parang hindi pa ako ready' (or,maybe not)," I said and we burst out laughing.

"Exactly!" Carlo said. "That's my ultimate test. If I can giveup all the fun of flirting for one guy."

"Oh God. It's just soooooo hardddd honey," I said andwe laughed. We all know what I meant

She was the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, that wasthe first thought in my head when I saw her. Her face shone with a lightthat revealed the happiness she was feeling.

"Oh my God. Is that a Vera Wang?" my friends asked me when they saw her wedding gown.

"Yep. Love?" I replied. "But then again: what do you expect? She's that kind of girl. She deserves the best."

The gown was my present for her. She chose it and I wanted her to have the wedding of her dreams.

The ceremony took place in a garden overlooking the sea. Thesun was setting and the dying light cast a golden glow on everyone. Their vowswere simple but true. My sister started with "I believe in the life wehave..." I cried, of course.

I was asked to say something during the dinner. "And now, we would hear the bride's brother speak,"the host said.

That was my cue. I stood up, and walked to the center of theroom. I was nervous. I had little time to prepare and only made notes in myhead. I looked around and saw the happy faces of the bride and the groom, theirfriends and families. Oh how everybody glowed.

"For those who don't know who I am, I'm Honeylet'sbrother," I said, introducing myself. "I used to say she is myfavorite sister in the whole wide world. She always answers by saying I really didn'thave a choice."

The audience laughed. I saw my sister smile. It was our favorite joke.

"During the past year, I've seen my sister got sostressed planning for the wedding. It was really a roller coaster ride. And Iwondered why people made such a fuss about weddings. And I realized it'sbecause they want their weddings to be perfect.

I paused. "Because they want their marriages to beperfect."

"I used to have a friend," I continued. "Her husband left herafter they've been married for almost 20 years. And she told me, 'Marriages canbe so fragile pala talaga no?'"

"Relationships are fragile," I said.

Relationships are fragile. I've learned that myself. Ithought of all the lovers I had and the promises we never kept. I thought ofall the failed romances in the world and the odds that two people will loveeach other forever.

I brought back my focus to the wedding. "Sometimes, Ican't help but be worried after seeing many couple divorce or end up unhappy. Imean ... she's my only sister."

"But then I realize I really don't have anything toworry. Because we have the best relationship heroes one can possibly have inthis world," I said and stopped.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to give a toast to my Mom and Dad who I'veseen have loved each other more and more as they grew older. They've taught ushow to love our partners, how to care and nurture each other, how to be patientand understanding."

My parents were stunned. I knew they didn't expect that. But I wanted togive them credit for what they have achieved in their 30 years of marriage.Without knowing it, they have inspired me and made me wish I can have a lovelike that.

"They are my relationship heroes," I said. "And I'd like tothink that a love like theirs can happen all the time."

"Shobe, Junie, masaya ako para sa inyo (I am happy for you both)," Icontinued. "It's a beautiful day and I am excited for the life you willhave. Mahal ko kayo (I love you both) and I will always be here for you."

Hours later, my friends and my sister's friends have finally depleted the open bar of its entire contents. Everyone was laughing and smiling, and dancing and taking lots of photos.

The night was ending and I was tired but happy. I looked around and I saw how everyone was having such a great time. I went to the bar to scavenge for any last bit of alcohol and I saw my ex boyfriend Marvlitz there. He was my first boyfriend and we were together when I was still sharing a room with my sister during my college days.

"Kamusta? Having fun?" I asked him.

"Oo naman,. I'm really glad I came," he said. I drank the wine in my glass and finished it. We were both watching the crowd.

I turned to Marvlitz and hugged him.

"You know what, Marv, we may not have made it as lovers but I'm glad we we made it as really good friends," I said. He smiled and hugged me back.

"And I couldn't have had a better first boyfriend," I said. "I'm glad you're here to send our little girl off."

"Grabe no, kinasal na talaga si Honeylet samantalang dati tinuturuan ko lang siya sa mga assignments niya. (Can't believe Honeylet's really married. It wasn't so long ago I was just helping her with her homework.)"

"I know ... She's all grown up now, isn't she?" I said.

"She is. And you ... when are you going to get married?" Marv asked.

"Sigh ... I'll probably be an old maid," I replied and gave him a small smile.

"Well ... you'll always have me," he said and squeezed my shoulders.

They say weddings are one of a person's happiest moment. From what I have seen, I tend to think it's true. Whether it's a simple ceremony or a lavish one, at the end it's just two people promising to love each other forever.

"To have and to hold

from this day forward,

for better or worse,

for richer or poorer,

in sickness and in health,

to love and to cherish,

till death do us part"

Road to Perdition

2011-11-09T14:35:00.001+08:00

Previously:
Gossip Girl: The Games We Play (III)
Beauty and the Feast

One fine morning in the Upper East Side, Vackie woke up to the sound of his best friend having an orgasm.

"My God! Winalang hiya ninyo ako! Di ninyo man lang ako ginalang. Natutulog akong walang kamalay malay, eh yun pala may sine sex na kayo ni Gino sa tabi ko! (How could you and Gino have sex with a guy beside me while I was sleeping? You have shamed me!)" V exclaimed.

"Hahaha. I'm sorry honey," I said. "You know how it is. Sometimes you just get carried away."

"Hahaha. Teka (Hold on), did you cum on the guy's face?"

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?? Hahaha. I refuse to answer on the ground that the answer may incriminate me."

"You dirty girl. I saw you! I love. Porn star ka na. Hahaha. I'm going to tell Arlan!" V squealed.

"Nooooooooooooooooo," I said, and we both laughed hysterically.

"Hmmmm. Parang meron kang hindi kinukwento. (You're not telling me something)," was the first thing Arlan said when we met.

"Ha? What?"

"I heard … ibang level na raw ang pagka pokpok mo! (you've become the new girl of the town!)" A said with an I-know-what-you-did look on his face.

"Ha? (What?) Who told you that?" I asked.

"Oh honey, stop pretending. It's all over Gossip Girl. So … is it true? That the lady is now a tramp?"

"Tsk tsk … Ano ka ba. (What's with you?) You should never listen to gossip," I said. "Besides, between the two of us, I'm not the original group fun girl here. Bina bawasan ko lang naman ang lamang mo. (I'm just trying to catch up)."

"My God, ibang level ka naaaaaaaaaaaa," A said laughing. "Where's the girl I used to know?

Indeed, where is she, I asked myself. I used to think I was built differently, that I'm the kind of guy who prefers quiet dinners over sexual trysts. But lately, the dinners have become far and few in between while the sex ... well, don't let me get started.

Am I having a midlife crisis at a young, tender age of ... (gasp) ... 31? Why am I rebelling against the things I used to believe in? Maybe I just got too tired of trying to be the good guy, the nice guy when it seems the world wants to fuck you. So you fuck back.

Perhaps the pressure to find love in the modern world was too much, so I caved in and decided to just have lots of sex with really, really, really uber hot guys. Come to think of it, the trade off doesn't sound so bad.

I thought I have gone too far, but I realized you can actually go further.

Gino and I met Jason near his place. It was just going to be a casual meeting. After a few minutes, he invited us to go up to his place to hang out. Oooohhh, hang out. I knew what that meant.

He shared a small apartment with a friend. He introduced us and we made small talk about his work in a cruise ship, about the Halloween parties they went to, about Bigfish and drugs and boys and sex. I stood up and walked around the room because his shoes caught my fancy when suddenly in my peripheral hearing I heard one of them say

"So ano, apat tayo, game? (So the four of us?)"

What the hell. I was stunned. There I was, caught in between two guys negotiating sex where I was supposed to be part of. I suddenly realized I wasn't prepared for a foursome. I told Gino I had to meet a friend, so we told the guys we'll set another date.

"What the fuck? What happened?" Gino asked me inside the car. "Andoon na tayo ah at game na sila. Anong nangyari sa iyo? (Everything was set. What happened?)"

"Honey, I was so not ready," I told Vackie after I narrated what happened. "The first thing that came to my mind was: Paano ang blocking? Ang choreography? Kanino nakatutok ang camera? (What's the blocking? The choreography? Who gets the maximum camera exposure?)"

"Hahahahaa. Yan kasi. Bata pa lang child star ka na. Laking Hollywood ka kasi," V said. "Nasanay na may script, may direction. Di mo ako tularan. Laking Broadway. Magaling sa improvisation. Noong sabi ng mga ka sex ko na may gusto pang pumunta, sabi ko go lang. Walang issue."

("Hahahahaa. That's the thing. You were just a kid when you became a star. You got used to Hollywood," V said. "You got used to a script, direction. You should emulate me. I grew up in Broadway. I'm used to improvising. When the guys I was having sex with said another guy was coming, I said go ahead.")

"You're such a game girl. I love," I replied, laughing. "But God honey, these kids these days. I mean, they're like 23, 24 and I'm a fucking dinosaur compared to them. But they didn't even blink. They're just more aggressive, more experimental, more adventurous. Nakakaloka. (It's outrageous.)"

"I guess it's really a new generation," V agreed.

"You know, I've decided the next time I'm faced with a similar situation I'm going to go for it," I said. "I mean, Yes is the word right? Maybe it's time for me to take on more difficult and challenging roles. You think I'll make it?"

"Honey, you're a natural born star. I'm sure next year, you'll be the grand slam winner for best breakthrough actress in the adult film category!!!!"

"Gaga! Let us not get our hopes too high. I may not even like it."

"Or ... you may."
-

Gossip Girl: The Games We Play (V)

2011-11-02T12:01:00.002+08:00

Previously on Gossip Girl:
Gossip Girl: The Games We Play (IV)
Pigs, That's What We Are

True love and betrayal. Revenge and more revenge. A heroine with an impossible goal. If only Mozart had lived on the Upper East Side.

"Hey honey kamusta? What are your plans for the weekend?" Vackie asked.

"I'm meeting Grindr Boy lang. Then maybe after, we can go out," I said.

"Ohhhh. I thought things were over between the two of you since he has ... you know ... a boyfriend."

"Honey, shouldn't you know by now? Just because he has a boyfriend doesn't mean the game is over. It only means the game just got more interesting. It's over only when I say it is."

"Hahahaha. I should have known. So ... are you going to have sex?"

"Arrrgghhh ... do I really need to answer truthfully? You're going to judge meeeeee."

"Honey, we don't judge. We're the non-judging Breakfast Club," V said. "I mean, I've seen you with vomit on your clothes, make out with random strangers in clubs, give a blowjob in a public restroom ..."

"Okay fineeee. Stop it. You didn't have to be so ... specific," I said laughing.

"I'm your best friend and anything you've done is something I probably did too," V said. "None of us are saints. So ... are you going to fuck?"

Grindr Boy and I haven't communicated since he confessed that he was actually in a relationship. But one night, he suddenly texted.

"Asan ka? (Where are you?)" he said.

"I'm home. Kamusta? (How are you?) What's up?"

"Wala naman. Kita sana tayo (Nothing much. Thought maybe we could meet)," he replied, with a smiling face. Oooohhh, where is this headed, I wondered.

"Ahhh. Next time? I'm exhausted and about to sleep. Ipapaalam mo ba kay boyfriend? (When are you free? Are you going to tell your boyfriend?)"

"Yep, oo naman. Ipapaalam. (Yep, I will tell him.)"

"Ano sasabihin mo? (What are you going to say?) How do we know each other? =) Through Grindr?" I teased him.

"Uhmmmm... Wag na nga lang magpapaalam. (I think I'll just not tell him.) Hahaha."

"Bad boy ... tsk tsk. Mag se sex ba tayo? (Are we going to have sex?)"

"Hahaha. Derecho talaga. (Straight to the point huh.)"

"Huy hindi ah, (Hey, that's not true,)" I protested. "If I wanted to, I could have had my way before. You know that. Besides, I figured you owe me. If I had known you had a boyfriend, we should have just skipped dinner and went straight to fuck."

"Hahaha. Uhmm ... sige. Ako na lang pupunta diyan. (I'll just go to your place.)"

The problem with hiding your sins is that they always come back. Just when you think some have atoned for past transgressions, a once-pure Prince can't help but commit a new one.

Grindr Boy and I set a date for this Friday night. He's sneaking out after his boyfriend leaves for work. Albert and I also have made tentative plans to see each other, also this week.

"Wow. All these dates with married men. So ... what happened to your vow to not hook up with guys who have boyfriends?" V asked me.

"Sigh. I know ... I know," I said. "See? I knew you were going to judge."

I was quiet for awhile. I thought about the things you promised yourself you wouldn't do, and how somehow you find yourself breaking them. Maybe you've changed, or the game changes you.

It all starts out innocenly, at first. Then someone starts to break the rules and play unfairly. So you decide to keep up. You find youself crossing boundaries to step into someone else's shoes. You tell yourself ... it's okay, it's just a game right? Or ... is it?

Maybe it is. Until you screw someone. Or you find yourself screwed. Sometimes you wish it would stop. All of it. The sportsmanship, the jockeying for positions. But that's the thing: it's in our nature to play the game. To seek to influence others to gain our desires. But we do have a choice in how we play: do we play fairly or do we cheat and lie through the game?

"Well, their boyfriends cheated on them," I told Vackie.

"And so by cheating with you, they get even and everything's okay?"

"I don't know," I said. "Oh God honey, come Judgment Day I can already see the list of charges against me. Accomplice to the crime of adultery!!!"

"Correction ... adulteries!!!" V said laughing.

Maybe Vackie was right. Maybe two wrongs don't make one right. But some things are just too good to resist. The spirit is willing but the flesh is just ... oh so weak.

Mistakes. We all make them. They usually start with the best of intentions. Like keeping a secret to protect a friend. Or lying to help someone.

Sometimes we don't even know what mistakes we've made to get us where we are. Or we figure it out just in time to make it right again. But every mistake happens for a reason. To teach you a lesson you would otherwise never learn. And hopefully, you never make that mistake again.

Lucky for me, that never happens.

XOXO
-

Gossip Girl: The Games We Play (IV)

2011-10-24T16:39:00.000+08:00

Previously:
The Games We Play (II)
The Way We Were

On the Upper East Side, the possibilities are endless. Dom or Krug. Winston or Cartier. Tory or Stella. John or Grindr Boy.

Eventually even the people with everything have to choose. But sometimes, you learn that the choice has already been made for you.

Dating, it seems, has never been this fun. There's always a new boy to add to the list; some new guy you met at a party or through a friend. Sometimes you feel you just might have it all.

Grindr Boy and I made plans to meet that night. I was excited to see him again and I planned my day so we can have the evening together. I checked the calendar and made sure I scheduled my appointments with other guys on other days so there would be no conflict.

A few minutes before we were supposed to meet, I texted him to ask where he was. He didn't reply. After a few more minutes, I called him but he didn't pick up. I was getting worried and puzzled. I called him several times more but it looked like I was getting stood up.

Oh well, I told myself. Just when you thought things were going well. Grindr Boy was nice enough but he had been acting strange. He would at times not respond to my calls and messages but I always attributed it to his busy schedule.

A few days later, Grindr Boy suddenly texted.

"I'm now officially taken :(," he said.

I was stunned. Officially taken? What does that mean? Was he unofficially taken before and it now became official?

Every now and then, I would ask Grindr Boy about the other guys he's dating and he always said he wasn't seeing anyone. And I believed him. My thoughts were still in a disarray so I composed myself before I sent my response.

"Wow, this is a surprise. I guess this is it," I said. "Masaya ako para sa iyo. (I am happy for you.) I mean, I know how wonderful it is to find love."

"Kane, I'm sorry if I lied," Grindr Boy said. "He's my boyfriend for three years now. I met you during the time we were having problems."

Woooohhh. The hell. I couldn't believe it. I had been duped all along. This sweet boy with the sweetest smile turned out to be a lying, scheming bastard.

Uh oh. Spotted: K learning that two can play this game. It looks like our star player … just got played. Outwitted by a boy almost a decade younger than he is, tsk tsk. Talk about a coup de grace, ladies.

"I just got scared you might get mad and won't talk to me again. Masaya kasi ako (I'm happy) when we're together," Grindr Boy continued. "I hope we can still be friends."

I heaved a deep sigh. Of course I understand him. I suppose I should have known better.

"I accept your apology. I understand how complicated relationships can be," I said. "I guess it explains a lot of things. Three years is something, you know. You should be proud."

The next day …

"Were you really surprised?" Gino asked me, disbelievingly. "Couldn't you see the signs that he was hiding something?"

I shook my head. "You know what, maybe I trust people too easily. I guess I always expect people to be honest. Are we not ba?"

"Eh siyempre Kane. I mean, ikaw ba, do you always tell your boys everything?"

"Well, not everything I suppose. But I do tell them that I'm seeing other guys. That way, expectations are clear. And I've always done that. I don't want people feeling like I led them on."

Gino and I were both quiet for awhile. He knew I did like Grindr Boy.

"Well, there's still John," Gino pointed out.

"Oh, I stopped seeing him already. I guess it just wasn't working."

"Meron ka pa naman ibang boys. (Well, you still have other boys)," he said.

"Yeah, but they're really just for fun," I replied. "I actually thought Grindr Boy and I could have something more, you know."

"So much for the one huh," Gino said.

"Or the other one. Sigh. Sometimes, people can really be so disappointing. They say they're one thing but end up to be something else."

They say you reap what you sow. Instead of too many choices, you suddenly have none. Lonely Boy finally learns the truth, only to realize it's a little too late. That perhaps, the time for love has once again come and gone.

It was a Sunday night and I was trying to rest after a tiring weekend. My phone suddenly beeped. "Kamusta? (How are you?)" Albert asked.

I called him up. "Hey! What are you doing? Listen ... remember the date you promised."

But that's the thing with players.

"I was wondering when you're free to meet," I said.

They can never resist the game.

"Let me know if you can get away from your boyfriend."

And on the Upper East Side, only one thing is certain: let a new game begin.

XOXO
-

Beauty and the Feast

2011-10-20T14:19:00.001+08:00

-
Humans have always been, and I think, will always be obsessed with physical beauty. No matter how many New Age philosophies extol the virtue of inner beauty, of strong character and steadfast values, the beautiful always lords over the rest of us when it comes to a very basic human need.

Sex.

One day, Gino and I were talking about the Grindr application and how groundbreaking it is in the way it allows people to connect.

"Why don't you try it?" I told him.

"Tingin mo ba may magkakagusto sa akin? (You think they'd like me?)" he asked.

"Well, there's only one way to find out."

Gino and I chose a photo and created his profile.

The response was overwhelming. Within minutes, a flood of messages poured in and he received more than a hundred texts in less than twelve hours. Half of them within the first four hours.

"OMG! Grabe, nakakaloka!" I said to my friends. "You guys should have seen it. Nagkandarapa ang mga bading!!! It was like there was a feast and everyone wanted a piece of him."

"Eh oo naman (But of course)," Arlan said. "Yung look talaga niya yan ang bebenta talaga. (He has the look that will really sell.) He's tall and very manly. He looks like the college basketball player you always wanted to fuck but never got to."

I nodded. Gino does have that look. He's very masculine, dark skinned, lean with abs. How could gay guys resist?

"I was surprised. You know we get messages from Grindr. But, not that many. And all those guys who ignored me before… wow, they were really after him," I said. "I guess hot guys really trump cute huh."

"Well, he's got the sex appeal," Carlo said. "I mean, most people who use Grindr are looking for a hook-up. It's a different case when you're in a club or at a party, where you see the guy in person, see how he carries himself, how he dresses up, how he speaks. It all adds up to his desirability."

We were all quiet.

"Talagang dinefend ang cute no? (I had to defend cute huh?)" Carlo said, and he started to laugh.

"Tama! Hahahaha. Napaka passionate nga ng pagdefend mo eh (Uh, we noticed. Hahahaha. And you were so passionate!)," I exclaimed. "But you gotta admit, he is such a perfect addition to our group. It's like we've got something for everyone."

My friends and I were laughing but I knew implicitly that even though no one said it, we were starting to realize that Gino may be more attractive than any of us.

I think in general, my friends and I consider ourselves fairly equal in the looks department. We tend to fall into the category of the boy-next-door type; hence the usual compliments we get are cute, nice, charming, pretty boy.

But never yummy, sexy, or hot.

Days later, I was telling a friend about Gino when she suddenly said …

"So, nainggit ka ba? (So, did you get envious?)"

I was about to say no, of course not. But I realized that something had been bothering me about the whole experiment. The truth is; I am envious. A little perhaps.

Don't get me wrong. I am not insecure, nor unhappy about who I am and how I look. I am fairly contented. But I do wonder at times: how does it feels like to be hot?

I guess I'll never know.
-

The Way We Were

2011-10-10T11:17:00.002+08:00

Note: Please play the video at the end before reading the story.

The moment Albert stepped inside the club, people stopped and stared. Guys paused midway their conversations, their whirling, dancing, drinking and crotch grabbing to steal casual glances at him. And then slowly look at me.

Why, you might ask. Because I was leading him by the hand which was, I suppose, a not so subtle way of saying "Back off ladies, the boy is mine." Except ... he wasn't really mine.

It was Albert's first time in the club. Which meant he was a fresh face.

"Don't you just love fresh meat?" I said.

"I know," Arlan replied. "They're just so … "

"Fresh?" I said, and we both laughed.

Albert and I dated a few years ago. We haven't seen each other in a while but we kept in touch through the years. He and his boyfriend had a huge fight and that was why he was out tonight.

"Actually Kane, andoon kasi boyfriend ko. Inaway niya ako para makalabas siya (my boyfriend's there. We had a fight just so he could go out)," Albert told me. He was hesitating to join us.

"Come on. You don't have to worry. Hindi naman kita pababayaan. (I'll take care of you)."

After a while, the inevitable happened. They saw each other and froze. When Albert introduced us, I could see the boyfriend was taken aback that Albert was out, and more importantly, that his boyfriend was out with us.

"I bet your boyfriend was shocked to see you earlier," I said. We were at home with my friends who decided to continue the party, and Albert opted to join us.

"Yeah. Akala niya siya lang ang marunong (He thought only he could play the game)," he replied.

I plopped down beside him on the bed. Tell me about him, I commanded.

Albert and his boyfriend have been together for about a year. He had recently found out his lover was cheating on him.

"Did you confront him?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"What did he say?"

"He said 'Ganito na talaga ako (This is how I am). Tanggapin mo na lang'."

I listened intently to Albert's stories. His voice was hushed, sad; can't stay, can't leave. Stuck. Fuck, he says. Why? He asks. Why am I not enough?

"Ikaw, kamusta ka (how are you)?" Albert asked. "It seems like you're still the boy I first met," he said, giving me a crooked smile.

I shook my head. "Nahhh … I've gotten old Albert. I'm no longer the same boy."

"Do you still remember when we first met?" he suddenly asked.

Four years ago …

I was at a party hosted by a friend on a penthouse overlooking the glitzy city of Makati. I was out on the terrace, holding a glass of Merlot, admiring the skyline when I turned and bumped into a stranger. I spilled my drink and some of its contents were now causing stains on the guy's jeans

"Oh fuck. I'm sorry, pasensya," I said, embarrassed at my clumsiness.

"It's okay," he said. I looked up and saw that, the stranger was well, cute.

He had an accent which marked him as someone not from Manila. It was adorable. We found out we both actually hailed from the same province; that he had arrived in the city only recently. He and his friends were about to leave when he suddenly whispered text me, and surreptitiously gave me his number.

Present …

"I still remember ... diba diyan tayo nag sex (wasn't that where we fucked)?" Albert said and suddenly, one by one pointed out certain spots in the room.

"Oh my God! Gago ka. You remember?" I said, astounded.

"Nakakainis ka nga eh," I said. "You didn't even suck me then."

"Hayaan mo na," he said. "Alam mo naman, bago pa lang ako noon and marami pang issues. (You know I was just new then in the scene and still had a lot of issues.)"

"But if you want … you can fuck me now," Albert added.

"Whaaaaat? Tang-ina mo. Gago ka. (You fucking piece of shit.) You wouldn't even put my dick in your mouth before and now you let guys fuck you. Nakakainis ka!"

I pretended to be miffed. "Come on, don't be upset na," he said. "Let's set a date so you can fuck me."

"You never got to keep your promise. You told me I'd be the first," I told him. Once, in the middle of our cuddling, he promised me I would be his first. But not all promises are kept.

"I know Kane. Some things just happen."

After a while, he bid me goodbye. I walked him out the door.

"Uy, salamat ha. (Hey, thanks a lot.) It was really good to see you again," he said.

I took his hand and squeezed it.

"You know … I really did like you," I slowly said, and smiled wistfully. He looked at me and nodded.

"I really did like you too," Albert answered in a quiet voice. "Perhaps, if we had met at a different time … "

So there we were. The years have passed but our pasts continue to haunt us. We were young, eager lads; now one's an unhappy husband, the other a gallivanting man around town. It seems the love we were looking for had somehow eluded us and all that we have right now is this tender thing; a memory of who we used to be ... and perhaps it is enough.

I hugged him tightly. "Goodbye, Albert," I whispered. He turned to leave. I stared at his back until his image slowly faded away.

Gossip Girl: War of the Roses

2011-10-05T16:06:00.000+08:00

Previously on Gossip Girl:
Gossip Girl: Prêt-à-Poor A

"Well… if you really want to get even, then why look for someone else?" V said. "Don't you know… the best revenge is for you to sleep with his friend."

Click here to meet the characters.

Upper East Siders, ever wondered why we haven't heard anything about A? Word is the cold war between our favorite girls is now causing frost bites with each one marking his territory.

Kane has claimed Ortigas as his kingdom, while Arlan rules Malate with an iron fist. And if you happen to be caught on the wrong side at the wrong time … well, things might just get nasty.

Arlan and I last spoke to each other in May. He ignored all my calls and messages and vanished out of my life. My friendship with Vackie is also splintering. We no longer see each other often, no longer talk to each other every day like we used to.

It took me awhile to be okay. I suppose it's because these people are my best friends, and our relationships have lasted longer than those I had with my lovers. But no matter how strong our bonds; perhaps human relationships by nature are quite fragile.

Two weeks ago

My phone beeped in the middle of the night and woke me up. Messages after messages poured in. I checked the clock and saw it was four in the morning.

"So I'm in a club. A couple just began fighting because I was flirting with one of them but I didn't know he had a boyfriend."

The message was from A. I was groggy and re read the messages again. I was shocked to receive a message from him after all this time. And the way he spoke … why, it's as if nothing happened.

He continued sending messages which were no longer coherent, messages which contained words such as I miss you … and forever … and go with me …

It dawned on me that Arlan was drunk texting me. It was that time of the night, the witching hour. That moment when you're drunk and vulnerable and very prone to text an ex-boyfriend you're missing. Except this time, he was texting his ex-best friend.

A few days ago

"Honey, where are you?" Vackie asked me.

"Hey, kamusta? I'm on my way to Ortigas."

"I'm here in Bed. With Arlan. He was hoping you'll be here. He misses you … you know."

I didn't know what to say. My first initial reaction was: if he really misses me, why didn't he text me? And besides they didn't invite me to go with them, so let them enjoy each other's company. I don't need them.

I took a deep breath. I always want to be polite so I told V to have fun and I'll see him soon.

It was late when we arrived. Gino and I immediately got our drinks and mingled with our friends. I was having fun catching up with people when suddenly, I turned and …

"Honeeyyyy!!!" V shouted and hugged me.

"OMG. Why are you here?" I was taken aback. It was almost, what, 4:30 a.m.?

"Arlan and I went here all the way to see you," he said.

Oh. Okay. So A is here. What do I do?

"Hey ... kamusta?" A said as he approached me.

"I'm ... okay," I slowly answered.

"Can we talk?"

We went outside. I took out my phone. "What's that?" A asked.

"A message. I wrote it to you when you were gone. I never sent it.

Dear A,

My life's a mess now. My relationship with Big is strange; we haven't spoken in months. I don't even know whether we're still pushing through with our plan to meet in April.

I might migrate next year and I don't know whether I can get my company to move me. I don't know which state I'm moving to or what kind of life faces me there. Everything's just so uncertain.

You're gone. Vackie's acting weird. Where are you? Why won't you pick up my calls? Why won't you answer me?

You're supposed to be my best friend. I miss you so much.

Love,
K

I paused after reading it. I have saved the message in my draft folder. I never sent it; I never deleted it either. I don't know why, really.

"Why didn't you send it?" Arlan asked me. "I would have …

"You would have what? Oh come on. You knew why. I sent you hundreds of messages, but you never replied."

"I guess I was just too angry… "

Spotted: Two white flags waving in the sky. Could an Upper East Side peace accord be that far off? So what will it be, K? Truce ... or consequences? We all know one nation can't have two queens.

What happens next ? Only time will tell.

XOXO
-

The Problem With Vaginas

2011-09-28T16:39:00.000+08:00

"So does that mean you want to become a woman?" my friend asked me years ago after I told her I was gay.

"No, I don't. I mean I like being a guy and I just happen to like other guys," I carefully explained. "Besides, who would want a vagina?"

Vaginas. That mysterious hollow where few gay men have dared to enter. Vaginas have long been the subject of ridicule and the butt (pun intended) of jokes of gay men around the world for centuries.

“It smells like fish,” or “I don’t like the taste of vinegar,” or “I don’t wanna have to pinch my nose to eat it.”

It's understandable why gay men dislike vaginas. But surprisingly, some women do too.

The problem with vaginas is that they seem to be "just straight-out bad luck," Caitlin Moran's said in her book How to be a Woman. "Only a masochist would want one, because only awful things happen to them. Vaginas get torn. Vaginas get 'examined'. Evidence is found in them. Serial killers leave things in them, to taunt Morse . . . No one wants one of those."

But come to think of it, so do anuses. Anuses do get torn, they sometimes bleed, they get examined, and people put random things inside of them (not that I would know anything about this, of course). Both, I've heard, can at times smell funny, look strange, taste weird.

I've never had sex with a woman. I know. Shameful. I've often been curious how it would feel to have your dick inside a vagina. I've heard it's wet. Is it tighter? Looser? Less or more pleasurable?

I have kissed and made out with girls. I noticed women smell differently compared to men; their scent is sweet as opposed to the musky scent of guys. Their bodies feel different too; curvy with breasts in front and softer all around.

Some of my straight guy friends keep telling me I should try having sex with a woman. I've always said "sure, sure" but there's always a lot of reservations in my head. Will I get a hard on? I want her to know I'm gay and I want her to guide me because I'm still (technically) a virgin in that area.

"Yes" is the Word

I have decided I want to try anything at least once. The word is "Yes" and I'll say it at anything ... or to anyone. If an opportunity presents itself, I'll take it. And that includes, sex with girls, cunnilingus, trips to bath houses, orgies, fisting (ewww, wait, let me think about that).

All the things I have long been scared to do either because of fear of being judged or fear that I might fail. What the heck. I can't live life like that. And besides, it's just a vagina ... right?

Gossip Girl: The Last Days of Disco

2011-09-20T15:45:00.000+08:00

Previously on Gossip Girl:

The Valley Girls

Morning Sleepyheads! Time to wake up from bad dreams, roll out of our beds and start making plans for a brighter future. Even if it means we need to leave the past behind.

"We are now processing the 'Application of Immigrant Visa & Alien Registration' form and I need some information from you. I am scanning you a copy of the draft form for you to fill out the missing information in a separate piece of paper … "

The letter went on and on but all I could do was read the first line over and over again. So this is it ... the time has come.

I shouldn't have been so surprised. I have always known I would leave the Philippines one day. When I was twenty two, my mom, dad and my sister migrated to the U.S. I was left behind because I had exceeded the age limit mandated by their law.

My parents eventually petitioned for me and well, it looks like I am finally coming home. Or … was I?

Home is such a powerful, visceral word that resonates in every human being, the idea of a place where you belong. But somehow, over my years of growing up, it has seemed to elude me, how it always felt like it was here but inexplicably over there at the same time. Every part of me seemed miles and centuries apart and each place and time called itself my home.

Where ... or what ... or who is home?

I left my hometown Cotabato City when I was thirteen to study in Manila. I lived alone for four years and stayed at a dormitory. I suppose I was forced to grow up much faster than a normal young boy. I had to take care of myself, buy my own groceries, budget my own money, plan my schedules, be independent.

My parents were always supportive but they were just so far away and it was at that age when plane fares would cost an arm and a leg. And we weren't rich. So visits were far and few in between.

My sister eventually joined me when she came here for her college education. Those were some of the happiest years of my life. My sister and I share an intimate bond that I think … no, that I know will last forever. And yes, Rudeboy, I know forever's an awfully long time. Such a word isn't to be taken lightly.

So I know I should be happy that I will be joining them, but why do I feel more sad than joyful? I suppose, instinctively, I knew this is one of those life changing moments in our lives, that I was leaving a place and a time I can never go back to. Because when I do go back, I would no longer be the same man. And people and friends would have changed and moved on with their lives. And all that's left, sometimes, are our memories of days gone by.

Manila is the sum of everything that I am and more; who I am when I drink and dance with my friends on Saturday nights, who I am when I wake up with a stranger in my bed, who I am when I get lonely during cold nights, who I am when I find love, who I am when I lose it.

Yet it seems I must go away and leave it all behind to find my future.

"Honey, I have news," I told Fran and took a deep breath. "My visa might finally come anytime soon."

"Oh," she replied, caught by surprise. "Wow. When do you think you're leaving?"

"Sometime next year. I'm trying to delay it until around July," I said. "It's all very uncertain but we still have some time," I said and smiled at her.

She nodded. "I'm happy for you hun. I've always known you were meant for great things, you were always bound for somewhere else. Somewhere not here. And you finally get to be with your family."

"I know. But … you're my family too Fran. I mean, we raised each other. All of the boyfriends and mean girls and break-ups and crazy family dramas, we learned through it together. You're my best friend."

"Do you think I'll make it there?" I asked her quietly. "Do you think I'll be lonely? What will I do without you Fran?"

"All I know is you will shine, like you always have, like you always will," Fran said as she tried to reassure me.

"I'm not so sure about that," I replied.

"I am," she said. "Ikaw pa. (You of all people.) It looks like you're heading to one big adventure hun. I only wish I can be there to share it with you. Aren't you excited?"

"I guess it's because ang saya saya ko dito (I guess it's because I'm really, really happy here)," I said wistfully.

"I know. You have a comfortable life, money, an amazing job, wonderful friends, you get to travel and you get a lot of boys. For most people, it's enough," Fran said.

"For most ... sigh."

"Except, you're not like most people. I know it's hard to leave but I know you also know you need to do this," she continued.

"I do hun, I do. Manila's getting too comfortable, and I still have other dreams to fulfill." I said.

"I guess this is it huh," I finally said and gave her a smile.

"I guess it is," Fran said.

And all in an instant, everything changes. We leave the past behind and speed toward the unknown. Our future.

But no matter how old we get and how far we go, we always need a place to call home. Because without the people you love most you can't help but feel all alone in the world. But only time will tell ... if they'll stay or leave you too.

XOXO
-

Gossip Girl: The Games We Play (III)

2011-09-08T13:53:00.000+08:00

Previously:
The Games We Play (I)
The Games We Play (II)

Wakey wakey sleepyheads, Gossip Girl here. Grab your horses and guns, cause word is hunting season has begun. And guess who's leading the pack?

Why, none other than our favorite girl Kane who we hear has found himself a new hunting mate. One to do the dirty, the other to act as bait.

"Oh God, honey. Every time I pass the guards at home, they all have a look that seems to say, 'I know who you did last weekend!' Arghhh!"

"And what exactly happened last weekend?" V asked.

Three days ago

"Hay naku Gino, nakakainis. I can't contact Grindr boy's phone!! We were supposed to go out," I told Gino. Grindr boy and I had agreet to meet last weekend, and I was looking forward to another hot makeout session. But I haven't heard from him and his phone was turned off.

"Hayaan mo na. Si John na lang kasi," he said.

"John is out of town. Hay… my weekend plans are getting fucked up."

"Ano ba yan. Hayaan mo sila. Ako bahala sa iyo. We'll have a weekend you'll never forget."

I didn't realize how prophetic those words would be.

The club was already filled with people when we arrived past three a.m. I saw some of my friends including Glenn who was visiting from Malaysia. We were having a lot of fun dancing to our current favorite anthem "Till The World Ends" and flirting with boys.

I was tired but happy when we left. I even forgot about John and Grindr boy, when suddenly …

"Ano. May gustong sumama sa atin," Gino said.

I was caught off guard. "Huh? Sino?"

"Basta. Okay ito. Ano?"

I was a little confused. I was a little drunk and things weren't sinking in my brain quickly. "He's alone?"

"Yeah. Kung gusto mo, we can have a threesome."

A threesome. I've never done a threesome; I mean, I've never done it with a friend. Besides, I'm not really a group fun kind of girl. I like things simple. Contrary to what some people may think, I'm not as adventurous in sex as others. Group sex can be so messy, you don't know what to do or who to do first.

I tried it twice. The first was a massive success and the second was an epic failure. The first happened when I went to the island of Boracay alone for three days; and ended up staying there for two weeks.

I was 21, and I imagined I must have been beautiful then. They were older than I was, strong handsome men with girl friends. I remember calling my best friend then to ask her if I should go ahead with it. And she said, "Go! Just try it out!"

So I did and it was one of the most unforgettable experiences I've had. It probably was the first time I learned the body can be quite … what's the word … malleable? And how two kisses can be better than one.

The second was two years ago with a couple. I was fucking one of them (he requested) when suddenly, I smelled something funny … and let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that was when the Great Tower of Babel fell down in a single swipe.

I hurriedly left and that was the end of that. God!!! Shouldn't everyone by now know the cardinal rule of being a bottom?

CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! Motherfucker. What a way to end a tryst.

"So ano? Gusto mo ba?" Gino asked me. I was jolted back from my reverie.

So what will it be K? Party-pooper or go-getter?

"Uhhhhm … Okay lang."

Jonathan was pleasantly cute; lean, chinito, tall and really young. Fucker, the energy these kids have, I actually came twice even though I was intoxicated and exhausted.

Yes, ladies, he was that good.

I guess Gino wasn't satisfied because the next night, we went out again and hooked up with … (drumroll) Jonathan's friends. I know, I know … slutty much?

And what was so exciting about it was that his friends didn't know we hooked up with Jonathan the night before. We could tell he was upset that we were flirting with his friends ... but well, boys will be boys. His friends were both also good looking; one was an artist and the other a model. Gino fucked one of them on the kitchen floor while the other wanted me to cum on his face. Shit, ang sarap.

I was spent, drained, but I suppose it still wasn't enough because the next day, Gino asked another guy to come over.

"Abusada ka naman masyado!" V exclaimed. "Threesomes are for special occasions; you know … for your birthday, when you get a promotion, something to treat yourself with. Not three times in one weekend!"

"What can I do?" I protested. "I didn't have to do anything. Gino did all the work; and since it was already there I couldn't say no."

"Ayan ka na naman! Kunwari wala ka na lang magawa!" V said, laughing. "But seriously, did you like it?"

The question caught me by surprise. I thought hard before answering.

"Honestly … I did. Sigh. Is that bad? That I liked it?"

Sometimes in life we hit a crossroad and are forced to choose which path we want to take. And there's no way of knowing if our journey will lead us to pleasure or pain.

Careful K. If you step in those shoes, there's no telling where you just might end up.

XOXO-

The Games We Play (II)

2011-09-05T15:38:00.000+08:00

Previously:
The Games We Play (I)

"Heyyy, kamusta?" Gino asked.

"Grabe Gino. I had a hot makeout session last night," I replied. "Ang sarapppp. Fucker."

"Sino?"

"Si Grindr boy. Ang sarap, as in. Parang high school lang. A lot of kissing. A little touching. Ear nibbling. Cuddling."

The night before …

"Hey, nasan ka na?" Grindr boy asked me. "I thought we were going to meet."

"Teka ha … maliligo lang ako."

"I have to sleep early kasi. Pero if you want, I can drop by to see you kahit sa lobby na lang. Pero sandali lang ha."

"Okay okay. Give me a few minutes."

It was a cold night and Grindr boy was wearing a sweater and shorts. He had come from Starbucks to study for his exams and he was carrying a backpack with all his books inside. He looked really cute, like one of those exquisite Russian dolls with permanent smiles on their faces. He's always smiling, this boy, and I can't help but smile back.

I invited him inside my place. I was excited and a little nervous. There are some men you just want to have sex with, and some you actually want to date. I had a feeling he might belong to the latter. I knew the drill. We would talk a little; then there would be some awkward silence. After a few casual exchanges, I moved in closer to him. He smelled really good.

I tasted the mint in his breath when we kissed.

"O, bakit lasang mint ka? You planned this no?" I teased him.

"Hindi ah!!!" he exclaimed.

"Come on. You wanted to see me at my place, you're wearing perfume, and your breath smells of mint!! You wanted to seduce me," I said.

"Di ah!" he protested. He was pretending to be indignant and was shaking his head. "I just wanted to see you. Ikaw nga ang nag initiate ng kiss," he pointed out,

"I couldn't resist it; you were lying there looking so adorable," I told him. "I had four years of Catholic education, and I'm telling you, you are an impure thought."

We were both laughing at that time. After a few minutes more of cuddling, I stopped and looked at his eyes.

"You know, I'm fine with whatever version you want to tell people. I don't mind," I said. "Let me be the bad ass wolf preying on poor innocent boys, fine. I'll give it to you."

"Well ... the thought of making out may have crossed my mind," he admitted, grinning.

"Make out lang?" I asked.

"Kailangan ko pang mag aral eh," he said.

"Okay, manood ka na lang habang mag jerk off ako," I said. I saw his eyes go wide with shock, and very quickly, turn into helplessness. He didn't want to say yes; but he also didn't want to say no. It's alright, I said. I was just teasing you.

"O? Ba't di mo nalang sinex agad?" Gino asked.

"He had to study pa. And parang mas gusto ko na sweet girl muna," I said. "Although … gusto ko sanang papuntahin si John after. Pero parang too slutty?"

"Haha. Kamusta naman ang date niyo ni John?"

Two nights ago …

"Thank you Kane. Nag enjoy ako! Ingat! :))" John texted me.

"Hey John =) It was really fun listening to your stories. You're really quite the charmer," I replied.

John and I had dinner at a quaint Italian restaurant where I discovered he loved creamy fettuccini pasta, that he had just broken up with his first and only boyfriend, and that he is meeting a lot of men.

"Bahay ka na?" he asked.

"Yeah. Ikaw? Nasa ibang bahay ka na?" I said.

"Hmmmpf! Bakit ganyan ka sa akin? Ganyan ba tingin mo sa akin?"

"Uy, I was just teasing you. You know, even if you are with someone, it's perfectly okay. You're single, time to see and meet everyone."

"Magpapakabehave ako, promise," John said.

"You don't have to, come on. Go enjoy yourself. So how many guys are you seeing now?"

"Ay wala pa. Ngayon lang ako lumabas ng dalawa lang. Uhmmm ... date ba yung kanina?" he asked me.

"Well, nobody dates anymore John. People just hangout," I said. "Except perhaps for old fashioned people like me."

"So date nga yun. Hehehe. Muah."

Aba, marunong itong taong ito. "Let's plan a real date?" I asked.

"Sige. Pero I'm not ready for something serious. I just want you to know," he said, adding a sad face to his text message.

"Sure. Let's go out without expectations. You can have your fun; I can have mine."

"Wow. Gusto ko yan! How liberal of you Kane," Gino said. "Pero kung ako sa iyo, kay John ka na lang kasi. Tignan mo.

He's 23. (Very young)
Attractive (Oo naman)
Living alone (Walang hassle)
Stable (May mararating)
And single (Puedeeee!!!)

Diba? Anong pang hahanapin mo? All in one na!"

"Sigh. Kainis. They both seem really great. Must a girl choose between two of her heart's fondest desires?" I lamented.

"So… is Grindr boy the one?"

"I think ... puede."

"So paano si John??

"He's ... the other one."

The Games We Play (I)

2011-09-02T15:08:00.000+08:00

So there I was at the gym; doing something I wasn't used to. Working out.

My friend Gino is tall, dark, skinhead, muscular and he has that thing most gay men want: abs. He had taken it upon himself to teach me to work out and to work out properly.

"Remind me again why we're doing this?" I said, my face red with exertion after the fiftieth squat exercise.

"Para mas maging hot ka."

"But, (pants) I don't want (grunts) to look hot," I said, panting and sweating. "Okay na ako na ganito."

"Hay naku. Ang tamad mo talaga. Tapusin mo yan. (You're so lazy. Go finish it.)"

After our workout, we grabbed something to eat and the conversation eventually turned to men.

"So how was your lunch date?" Gino asked. He knew I met with a guy from Grindr earlier.

"Oh God Gino!!!! He's sooo cute!!!" I squealed. "I think he's the one."

"Hahaha. Parang tanga nito. He's the one agad???" he replied, laughing.

"Well, it really was a great lunch. He was so funny and cute and … he smiles a lot," I said, recalling the memory. "I kinda liked that."

"Hay naku, kung gusto mo, may ipapakilala ako sa iyo mamya. Mas okay ito, I'm sure. Ano… gusto mo?"

Well, I thought to myself, if you really want to know if he's the one, perhaps you first have to meet everyone.

And that was how I found myself drinking on a weekday night ahead of a full day of work the next day. The bar was unusually full, packed with people downing cocktail concoctions and waiters lighting dishes on fire.

I was already dreading the consequences of a hangover … except that John was really good looking. He reminded me of one of my crushes; except he's the younger, hotter version.

"Hey Kane, this is my friend John. John, si Kane."

John nodded. I gave him the smile I'd been working up. A pleasure, I said. A nice set of eyes, I noticed straight off. Boyish. Lean. I turned my back on him, knowing there would be an interval of not talking before the talking begins.

A nice man. Sigh. Is that too much to ask for? Once I went out with a guy who invited someone else to my apartment while I was away. I wailed and cried of course, when it was all over. Sometimes, I'm tired of praying "God, please let this one work."

"Anong inumin natin? (What do you guys wanna drink?)" Gino asked us both. I'm fine with anything, I told them. I was a little exhausted and I was spacing out.

Pay attention, I told myself. Smile. Get on with the plan. I was not being perky at the very moment I needed to be all brightness and charm.

John was nice enough so far. But I suddenly felt unexpectedly weary with the whole business. The flirting, the gamesmanship, the jockeying for positions.

I knew you were supposed to get all energized and breathless at the prospect of courtship, the teasing and maneuvering. Well, most of the time I am. But sometimes, it only makes me feel tired. Adventurer or not.

I noticed a couple at a corner, the girl was laughing at some joke the guy said. They seemed to be having a great time. I missed that about my past relationship, if nothing else. The comfort of taking each other for granted. Not having to worry if you look fat or if your hair is messy or the color of your shirt is nice. Sometimes the heroic effort to arrange and rearrange and coax and prop yourself up, to work out and dress up seemed just silly, you wish …

But … there was this man I must talk to, and talk to in a way that is charming, provocative, piquant, interesting.

"So what do you do?" John asked.

"I'm a struggling writer."

"Haha. Cute."

"But I am," I protested. "I mean, I'm a writer, not cute."

He laughed. I knew I got him.

At the Edge of the Mountain

2011-08-31T02:30:00.000+08:00

There are places you go where few have gone before.

To stare at the sun.

And sometimes, if you're lucky some will accompany you.

The Lost Continent of My Twenties

2011-08-23T15:46:00.004+08:00

For my sister Honeylet who has been with me through every journey. Happy birthday my love.

They say time is what ultimately gives meaning to all things; that we only recognize the importance of something when we look back at it.

When I recently re-read some of my stories in this blog, I realized that I was looking at the disappearance of a whole continent I know I may never touch again - Gossip Girl Birthday Balls, Grand Canyon sunsets and Machu Picchu sunrises, adventures with my sister, red leggings and a harem - in short, the land of my self-absorbed twenties.

So raucous and full of joy, they strike me now as obsessed with loss and nostalgia and the One Big Love that never worked out but wouldn't go away, either.

That life is drifting away from me, an inch at a time. Work is now taking up more and more of my time, some friends have become distant, my sister is getting married in November.

Sometimes I wonder once she's become a wife and a mom, will she still have time for her brother? What about our dreams to explore unknown lands together and see the Great Pyramid of Khufu, the Orient Express, the Byzantines churches.

Perhaps those dreams are gone.

While writing my stories, perhaps I was dimly aware that time is passing, that things will change. I didn't want to let go of my past; to forget, to become disengaged, to become disentangled.

I wanted to remember. I wanted to build a shrine to honor it, to give it a mark in my new land. I wanted to mythologize it. This, I think, is one of the great privileges of a writer; to create a myth out of a personal experience.

Some say it is best to burn the bridge and move on; to never look back. But I believe it takes more courage to go back and face our past, both the beautiful and ugly parts of it, and recognize it for what it really was. Perhaps for the very first time.

So without knowing it, I was building my shrine to the slowly vanishing continent of my twenties. Some of that terrain was as gorgeous as the Manila setting where most of them are based; full of shimmering curtains of rain and deeply rooted desires.

Much of it was dark and thick with blinding smog too; some almost impassable. But broken love and dreams deserve a shrine; even if its just a few words and scraps of memories.

From Russia, With Love

2011-08-13T14:10:00.003+08:00

Russia is offering agricultural land to Southeast Asian nations to grow crops and help secure reliable food supplies, part of wider efforts to foster trade and investment ties in new markets.

“We suggested today to companies in the region to enter the Russian market given its large scale and to establish themselves to produce food for your own supply,” Deputy Economy Minister Andrei Slepnyov said yesterday in an interview in Manado, Indonesia, where he is attending a meeting of the Association of Southeast Asian Nations trade ministers.

Andrei went on and on but it was getting hard for me to concentrate. He was speaking in Russian and an interpreter translated it into English, but all I could think of was his piercing blue eyes that seemed to see right through me.

"Honey, the way he was looking at me … I swear …" I told Carlo.

"Like how?"

"Like he wanted to do ... things ... to me."

"Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Hahahaha. I love …" Carlo said. "So how does this Andrei look like?"

"Your typical northern Slavic man with strong jaws, a prominent chin, aqualine nose, blue eyes, and did I mention arms that could lift you?"

"Hahaha. So what did you do?"

"I tried to tell him that I love him … but it got lost in translation," I said. "Oh well. Sigh."

"You should have used sign language," Carlo chided me. "I heart you!"

"Ang hirap naman kasing i sign language ang 'You like Asian boys?" (I know! But I couldn't figure out how to say 'You like Asian boys?' in sign language.)

Last month, my company sent me on my first overseas assignment to Bali. "We need you to cover this," my bosses told me.

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton heads for talks with counterparts from China, North Korea, Pakistan and more than 20 other nations to discuss a range of security issues across Asia. From tensions in the South China Sea to a fractured relationship with Pakistan and ongoing uncertainty on the Korean peninsula, the Asean Regional Forum is the only gathering that brings such a diverse group face to face.

The meeting will test how far the U.S. goes in backing its Asian allies in territorial disputes with China, which last year labelled Clinton's comments on the topic ``virtually an attack." Eased tensions between the world's biggest militaries may lead to greater cooperation and help deter terrorist threats, North Korean aggression and incidents over oil and gas resources in the South China Sea.

But I am not familiar with any of these things, I wanted to say. I was nervous and scared. But you got to roll with the punches.

"Sure. When do I leave?" I replied.

"Next week."

"Plane leaving. Eat Pray Love. After India, Bali here I come!" I texted my friends as I flew out of Manila.

I could scarcely imagine my good fortune. Finally, all those days, weeks, months, and years of hard work were paying off. I made it, I told myself silently. I made it.

This year is turning out to be one of the best years of my life. Somehow, I feel like everything is exactly where they should be.

They must have been pleased because after Bali and three weeks later, here I am on another assignment in Manado. Manado is the closest point to the Philippines from Indonesia. I know because when I check Grindr, the closest guys I see are those in Davao. 600 kilometers away. Go figure.

Sigh. Looks like it's going to be all work and no play.

"Honey!!! Walang lalake diyan?" Fran asked me. She called to catch up and make me jealous of all the great sex she's been having. Her lover Craig is in town for a three-week rendezvous, and apparently, every night feels like the last night.

"None," I said. "But don't worry. I came here prepared. I had sex four times the weekend before I left. I know… I know… it's a lot no? Does that make me a slut?"

"Oh honey… you know how we detest labels," Fran replied. "But four????????? Hahaha. How did you do it?"

"I don't know. I must have been so stressed, tired, and vulnerable so when they said 'Hi!' I said 'Yes!!!'"

"Hahahaha. I love it!"

"Hay. I'm so easy no? But what can I do?" I asked.

"Why nothing," Fran said. "The important thing is: men like us."

"Well ... you know, sometimes I wonder why. And they always want a part two. Is it because we're nice and polite and charming?"

"Not to mention intelligent and engaging," Fran added. "But who are we kidding? The sex must have been sooooo good!!!" she screamed and we burst out laughing.

So there I was ... in a strange city yet people mistake me for a local. It was almost midnight and I was about to leave for the hotel from work. Fran and I laughed and talked until the tiredness vanished. I was away, but sometimes, all it takes is a familiar voice to make you feel like you're home.

Grateful

2011-07-28T13:25:00.002+08:00

Previously:
Fearless

Gossip Girl: Teenage Dream (I)

I woke up alone in an empty hotel room. Plastic cups were scattered all over the tables, couches and on the kitchen sink along with some McDonald's fries and chocolate cake leftovers.

I looked at the clock and saw it was eight in the morning. I had barely two hours of rest. My head was hurting from the lack of sleep and alcohol intake from last night. I took a deep sigh and started cleaning up the mess.

So this is how it feels like to be thirty one, I told myself. Just when I had gotten used to the sound of thirty, I had to add another syllable. Thirty … one.

Thirty one is such an awkward age. Thirty was the end of a decade, the start of a new one. It heralded so many things; the promise of maturity, a more comfortable life, fewer issues, less drama, and perhaps love.

Or so I thought.

I was feeling strangely sad as my birthday approached. I brushed it off, told myself it was just the usual birthday blues. I guess birthdays are that one day in a year that you long to feel special. I haven't felt that way in a long time.

I missed spending my birthday with my family. I miss my Mom and Dad, my Shobe. I don't have a boyfriend and my friends have been … well … busy with their own lives.

A couple of days after my birthday, Neil and I had a chat. He had just spent the previous weekend partying during the gay pride celebration in Toronto.

"Gay pride was a blast but it always leaves you empty," he said. "One million faggots and not a single one to … oh whatever. LOL. Birthday mo na Kane."

"Well… it was actually two days ago."

"Akala ko 5? Kaya naman ako nag text kasi sabi sa kalendaryo ko 5. Sorry!!!"

"It's okay Neil. I heard old age does that to you. Makes you forgetful," I teased him. "I still appreciate it."

"How was it? Did you do anything special?" Neil asked.

"Well, it wasn't one of my happiest. But it taught me something important," I said.

"Not the happiest, but it was still happy I hope. What did it teach you?

Vackie, Edward and I had decided to rent a room at a hotel and invite a few people over on the eve of my birthday. Nothing fancy, really. Just a quiet night with friends. Vackie, Edward and Arlan didn't show up.

Vackie and Edward eventually apologized days later. I accepted their explanations and told them it's okay. But I realized, just because you understand, it doesn't mean you don't feel bad pala. I haven't heard from Arlan.

I have been grappling with the changes in us; these people are some of my most cherished and loved among my friends, and I miss them.

"Hay Neil, I was sliding into depression when out of the blue, a wise friend told me a simple fact. Life has its different seasons. Even friendships, I guess."

"Nangungulila lang siguro ako. I'm tired of being alone. Pero perky na uli ako :)," I told Neil.

"Mabuti na lang you have wise friends. I usually have to face that battle alone," he said. "Count your blessings. Buti naman at perky ka na."

"I do, I do. I guess it's because I give myself so much to my friends. They're my family here kasi, but people do disappoint you. But you become more understanding rin pala. More forgiving. Gawd, is this maturity?"

They're not just my friends, they're my family. Because my family lives far away, my friends have become more important to me. They're the ones I talk to everyday, to ask how your day was, to share your stories with.

Sometimes, when you give yourself to a person; be it a friend, a lover, a husband, a wife, you expect certain things in return. That they value you, that they give back. That things won't change. But friendships are relationships too, and like most things in life, they change too.

As André Aciman said in his essay in the New York Times titled The Day He Knew Would Come

"...this is how it always is and has been: things come and then they go, and however we bicker with time and put all manner of bulwarks to stop it from doing the one thing it knows, the best thing is learning how to give thanks for what we have."

Perhaps, that day had come. If last year was about learning to be fearless, this year was about teaching myself to be grateful. And I am. I am incredibly lucky, and I realized despite the hits and misses in my life, I am happy.

Rudeboy once said it may be too much to ask for a life without regrets. That perhaps all we can do is to hope that our joys outweigh our sorrows.

"Sige na Neil. Don't text back anymore. I'll call you soon. I'm really happy you remembered.

Neil, kung wala ka pang boyfriend next year, puntahan sana kita sa birthday mo. (Neil, if you don't have a boyfriend by next year, I was thinking maybe I could come visit you on your birthday.)"

He didn't reply.

A few days later, I was drinking at a bar near my place with a friend, catching up while dancing to 80s, 90s and pop music. I don't think I've ever heard Beyoncé, the Spice Girls and Cyndi Lauper all played in one night.

We were thoroughly enjoying ourselves when sudddenly, my phone beeped. It was a message from Neil.

"Ano? Sa birthday ko?"
-

Slave to Fame

2011-07-05T12:51:00.003+08:00

We all start as nobody.

Every blogger begins with no one reading his stories. They lie there, in the World Wide Web, among the trillions of pages all seeking attention.

"Read me! Me! Me!"

"No!! Read me first!"

Slowly by slowly, a trickle of people start reading your blog. Some of them are nice enough to leave a comment. Then you begin to attract followers.

Ten, twenty, then fifty, then after a while, a hundred. A hundred twenty, and so on and so forth. At first, it's just fun. A delight to see someone talking back to you, arguing with you, agreeing with you. Then bit by bit, you begin to get obsessed.

I didn't notice it but I had started checking my blog more often to see whether someone had added another comment, whether my followers had increased. I'd wake up in the middle of the night to pee and I'd check for comments to my latest entry. I'd look at the statistics over and over again.

Little did I know but I had become a slave to fame. But who can blame me? Let he or she amongst us who is not guilty be the first to point an accusing finger. At one point, we all crave and desire that. To be admired, liked, loved. Who wouldn't?

When people tell you that they never forget certain stories you wrote; that you made them laugh, made them cry. When some of the bloggers you admire most tell you you're one of their favorites. When strangers from uhm, well Grindr, would message and say "Oh my God! Are you Kane the blogger? You're like a star man!!!"

But the thing with popularity is; it is never enough. Like money and beauty, you always want more. So what if I have a thousand followers, I want ten thousand more. So what if one hundred people commented on my last entry, I want five hundred more.

It went on for months until one afternoon, I found myself clicking the refresh button every three minutes hoping someone added a comment. I caught myself and suddenly, I felt very foolish. I began to laugh at the absurdity of it, for allowing myself to be consumed by the desire to be popular, for letting fame get into my head. It was enough.

Some of the more observant readers noticed I don't have a followers widget in my page. I had one but I removed it. To stop myself from being an attention whore and focus on what I truly care most about.

Writing. Not fame, but words.

Having said that, it is not my intention to say that you, my readers are not important to me. As the writer Barbara Kingsolver once said, "We are nothing if we can't respect our readers."

I think I have some of the most loyal and intelligent readers and I am grateful to you for accompanying me on my journey. I know that in a world full of great writers (and bloggers), I am humbled that you took time to read my stories and put interesting comments.

And the thing is, I think I can be a very difficult writer. I try to write about different things (topics which some may like, but turn off others), I write long pieces and given the rather, uhm, short-attention span people have nowadays, it's a wonder people actually take time to read the entirety of a story. But some of you do, and I am genuinely touched.

It's audacious enough to send a piece of writing into the world, to ask people to take time to read it, shut up, ignore lovers and kids and officemates, delay work, just to listen to me. But that is what we all do, we ask people to listen to us. And the reason why I appreciate your loyalty is because I am a terribly demanding reader myself. And I make no apologies for it.

I have long ago accepted I will not live forever. I will never be able to finish all the great books and movies out there, never have enough time to see all the museums and mountains and castles in the world. Time, indeed, is gold.

And therefore, when it comes to reading blogs I have to choose. Let's face it. Though the number of bloggers has increased dramatically through the years, the amount of time we have has not. Each of us still has the same twenty-four hours in a day.

And believe me, I know how you feel when it comes to reading long entries. In the introduction to the Best American Short Stories 2001, Kingsolver said

Once in a workshop after I'd already explained repeatedly that brevity is the soul of everything, writing-wise, and I was still getting fifty-page stories that should have been twenty-page stories, I announced: "Starting tomorrow, I will read twenty-five pages of any story you give me, and then I'll stop. If you think you have the dazzling skill to keep me hanging on for pages twenty-six plus because my life won't be complete without them, just go ahead and try."

Over time, we fall into a pattern. There are bloggers whose every entry you read, there are others that you don't visit as often. And eventually… some you never visit at all.

Either there were too many grammatical errors, they didn't know how to structure and edit their work, or their stories simply weren't compelling enough. Similar to what some readers probably felt with my blog.

Some of those who used to regularly comment on my stories are gone. Sometimes, I ask myself: where are they? Why did they stop writing to me? I miss them. But the world changes, people come and go. But some of you stayed. Ain't that something.
-

Paid Love

2011-07-04T14:16:00.003+08:00

Fiction

DISCLAIMER: Although some things were borne out of the writer's imagination, certain events may have transpired and resemblances to actual events, people, and places can exist.

Christian and I were lounging in his bed, talking about the trip we were planning next month to Cambodia. It was one of my favorite moments with him; watching him as his face become animated and his gestures get bigger and bigger.

That's what I have always loved about him, his fascination and eagerness for life. At 35, he at times seemed no more than a boy. Though life had dealt him its own fair share of joys and sorrows, it never seemed to have aged him. Unlike me. I always say the years are heavy on my back. The years are heavy on my back.

"You know what? They say there's a river near Siem Reap where we can see carvings made by monks in the riverbed more than a thousand years ago," he told me, his eyes widening as if he can't believe what he himself just said.

"Really? And they haven't faded away?" I asked.

"It seems they haven't completely. You can still see the faint outlines of Hindu gods and creatures. Isn't that amazing?" he replied, shaking his head.

"We should do that," I told him. "It sounds gorgeous. Plus we probably will be tired from all the temples. A river would be a nice distraction."

It was getting late and I needed to wake up early for work tomorrow.

"Hey love, I have to go," I said. I got up and started packing my things. "It's almost bed time."

"Noooooooooooooooooo," he said, pulling me back to bed. "Stay here with me." He started kissing my neck and pinned me to the bed.

"I can't. I left some papers at home and I need them for a presentation tomorrow," I told him. His lips felt so good and I loved the way his body felt next to mine. It was hard to resist.

"Pleaseeeeee?" he begged.

I looked at him and those big wide eyes. "I would love to but… I can't." He nodded but he was quiet, downcast. "How about if I leave you a present?"

"What kind?"

"The good kind," I said, smiling mischievously. "I want you to lie there and close your eyes. You don't have to do anything. I want you to pretend I'm a paid hooker you picked up for some nice blowjob. When you're done, I'll just slip quietly away."

"Well … you know … I always had a thing for hookers," he replied. The lights went out.

You might like:
Lonely, Me
Paris, France
-

Gossip Girl: Teenage Dream (I)

2011-06-29T10:09:00.000+08:00

Previously:
Where Time Stands Still
A Decade After (I)
A Decade After (II)

When the summer heat fades and the rains start to fall, we all know it's time for Kane's birthday. But overnight, our favorite blonde birdie has turned into a brooding chap. What's responsible for this metamorphosis? Or should I say, "who"?

From what we hear, it's Kane and Neil: Happily Never After. They say parting is such sweet sorrow, but wouldn't it be nice if just for once it didn't have to be?

"Hey K!!! You've been awfully quiet the whole week," Carlo texted me.

"I am quiet =)," I replied.

"Ahhh. How are you? Everything okay?"

"I'm okay C. As good as can be expected, I guess."

In the weeks that followed since Neil left, Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou won a vote of confidence from lawmakers, easing concern the European nation would default on its debt. Storms battered the Philippines, causing floods and damaging crops and houses. Adele secured a seventh week at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 with her song "Rolling in the Deep" while Gossip Girl star Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio were spotted hanging out more and more often.

And as for me, I resumed work apologizing for the days of absence. Fran and I took a little trip to Iloilo to visit old churches, and I went back to hanging out and clubbing with my friends. Life was slowly returning back to normal.

Or so it seemed.

Little may have changed on the surface but I would be at the grocery buying milk, some cans of tuna, a bottle of vodka, perhaps some detergent and toothpaste and I'd see a couple laughing and teasing as they make their way into the aisles. And then a thought would come unbidden into my head. That could have been us. And I'd squash the idea quickly, vowing never to entertain such notions.

I immersed myself at work, and I'm doing better than ever. I had an excellent review, I'm being asked to write more and more regional and global stories, and I received news my company might send me to cover the ASEAN foreign ministers meeting in Bali next month. Perhaps it is true; when your personal life goes up in smoke, it's time for a promotion at work.

I fucked a boy; the moans, grunts and motions matched the script, but it felt like I was an actor acting out a role. And not a very good one at that. I remember that kiss and I knew I was using sex as a tool to blunt the edge of that memory.

Will I ever forget, I wondered? Or will I compare every other kiss with that one for the rest of my life?

It was raining horrendously one night and I was at home listening to Katy Perry sing "Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love". Ahhhh, to feel like a teenager again. My birthday was approaching and the music was making me feel dreamy and nostalgic.I suddenly missed being young, beautiful and carefree. Now all I feel is old, scarred and weary.

There I was, deep in thought when suddenly I saw an email from Neil land in my mailbox. An email? From him? We had spoken briefly once and that was just to check that he got home safely.

And then I saw the subject.

Blog.

Those four-letter words stared at me and I stared back as my eyes slowly filled with fear.

Oh my fuckin' God! He read the story. How did that happen? Neil doesn't read my blog except the few times I told him to, when there were stories I wanted to share. I never meant for him to read about what I did and how I felt for him; it wasn't supposed to happen this way.

I stood up and paced the room back and forth, I was nervous and I didn't know what to do. Why did he write? What did the email say? I was deathly afraid of the answer.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally summoned enough courage to open his letter.

I read it. You finally wrote me down.

I remember and know everything we did that night. On my part, they were all deliberate actions although I know I wouldn't have done those without the help of alcohol, of course.

I tried to tell you that I love you once, and you shut me up before I can even get those words out... and now, I can't seem to say them at all.

Kane, I can never be so drunk that I do not know what I am doing. That being said, I knew everything that was going on in Boracay that night. I could've stood up walked to the shore with you and have a perfectly sane conversation ... but I didn't.

Because a lot went through my head after that night we kissed. A lot.

I almost wanted to whisk you off to Toronto. But I don't think you'd like that. I'd marry you but you'd probably resent that eventually.

I don't know what I want to achieve with this letter. I really don't.

But you wrote me down and I thought I'd write you down as well, although I won't have readers for this one, well, you're my target audience anyway. So.

You do know that I love you, right?

But you and I are like that card that Sandy has; the one where this guy is sitting on a tree stump. The tree is growing under the earth, the roots are spreading, but since there's this fat ass sitting on the stump, it can't grow outwardly. Guess who that fat ass is.

Love,
Neil

My mind was reeling in shock. Oh God ... Can this be real?

The problem with fairy tales is that they set a girl up for disappointment. In real life, the Prince goes off with the evil stepsister. The Princess kisses a frog and it remains, well ... a frog. Or the spell wears off and two lovers realize they're better off as friends.

But I'll confess. Every once in a while, a girl craves for a fairy tale ending. So go ahead K, blow out that candle. Looks like you just had a wish come true.

XOXO

To be continued ...
-

Mercy

2011-06-27T09:50:00.002+08:00

Previously:
Gossip Girl: The Gift That Keeps on Giving
When The Kingdom Falls

The bar was crowded when I got in. Europeans sporting their blonde hair, blue eyes and dark tans were laughing and dancing amid the usual Filipino tourists, a Brazilian guy who works in Hong Kong as a model, and the local boys and girls gyrating and trying to seduce the visitors. For a fee, of course.

It was hot and humid, and after a while I started to sweat so I went to the restroom to fix up when a guy suddenly started chatting with me.

"Hey, how come you weren't dancing?" he asked. He was looking at me with a crooked grin on his face. His face was red; from the heat or the alcohol I wasn't certain, but judging by the way he slurred his speech, it probably was the alcohol.

"Ahhh, I'm just a little tired I guess," I replied.

"Sa guapo mong yan, hindi bagay sa iyo ang nakaupo (With your good looks, it doesn't suit you to be just sitting in a corner)," he said. "Kanina pa kita nakita eh. Ang guapo. (I noticed you earlier. You're so cute.)"

"Ano ka ba, sus, lasing ka lang (You're just drunk)," I told him. I was getting embarrassed.

"By the way, I'm Nelson," he introduced himself. "Do you have a boyfriend?" he asked.

"Uhhhmmm… no," I replied.

"Puede mag apply?(Can I apply?)" he said.

"Uhhhh…" I stammered.

"Shit… ang corny ko."

Some guys were coming inside the restroom so I excused myself to go back to the party. After a while, we bumped into each other again just before I was about to leave.

"Ano? Mag-isa lang ako sa room ko ngayon (I have a room all by myself)," Nelson said. "Diyan lang, malapit lang (It's just near)."

"Ano ka ba (Come on)," I said. "Relax ka lang (Relax)."

"Sige na (Please?)," he pleaded. "Wala kang gagawin. Hihiga ka lang (You don't have to do anything. You just need lie down)."

And there it was, another offer for a mercy fuck. I suddenly remembered how the last time it happened, I became the most despised man in this side of the world.

I was getting stressed by the situation. I wanted to decline politely without embarrassing him.

"Ano ka ba, lasing ka lang at pagod na kasi ako (You're just drunk and I'm really tired man)," I said.

He slowly nodded, with a defeated look on his face.

"Ang hirap talaga pag pangit no? (It's really hard when you're ugly)" he suddenly blurted out. "Walang nagkakagusto sa iyo (Nobody likes you)."

I stared at him with my mouth slightly open, stunned by what he said. But Nelson was right. He was far from goodlooking, it would be a stretch to even call him plain or homely. And then I understood; he was used to this, to being rejected, undesired, unwanted. But what can I do?

"Come on, there are many other guys out there," I said, trying to lighten the mood and cheer him up.

He smiled. "Yeah, but they don't want me," he said, shaking his head. "Don't you see Kane? Everybody wants someone like you."

No, not everyone, I wanted to tell him. Everybody feel this way, sometimes.

He turned around, about to leave when he suddenly turned back to face me. "Can I have a kiss on the cheek?" he asked.

I nodded. He gave me a tight hug and a quick peck. I hugged him back. I hoped it would be enough. I could still feel how sad and lonely he was and I wanted to say something, anything to comfort him. I felt helpless against his hopelessness. "Hey Nelson, you know..."

"It's okay Kane. Don't worry. Sanay na ako," he said. "I'm used to this."

Then he was gone.
-

A Decade After (II)

2011-06-21T16:09:00.010+08:00

Previously: A Decade After (I)

There are moments that mark us forever, and I knew this was one of them. Change was coming. I knew that I will return from that island a different man. After tomorrow, whatever happens, things will never be the same again, that I understood.

"And when is this historic flight, Amelia?" Rudeboy asked me.

"Tomorrow, at dawn," I replied. "Wish me luck?"

"The same to you,
But I can't regret what I did for love,
what I did for love."

"Ahhhh Rudeboy... What we did for love, indeed," I said. "Somehow, I think I know how you feel right now. Like you're watching something you've seen before."

"Au contraire mon ami. I'm actually uncharacteristically rooting for romance this time," he said wistfully.

"Ahhh… love will be the death of us, Rudie," I said, shaking my head.

"Fly with my fondest hopes Kane," he said.

That night, I hardly slept a wink. My mind was filled with troubled thoughts and strange emotions. The ghosts in my head were teasing me, taunting me.

"What will you tell him?"
"How will you tell him?"
"What if he says no?"

What I was planning to do was dangerous. I knew neither of us was really ready; that the timing wasn't perfect. Neil was still hurting from his divorce, I knew that. Sometimes when I look at him I ask myself: where is it, that thing inside of you, cutting you, where is it?

"How did you do it?" he asked me once.

"Do what?"

"Forgive Manuel."

I thought carefully what to say.

"Well, I did it because ayokong malugi (I didn't want to be on the losing end). Sometimes, we think that by holding on to the anger and the pain, we are hurting the other person," I answered slowly. "But in truth, we are only hurting ourselves."

"Manuel could be perfectly happy and here I am, still an angry and bitter man. I didn't want to be that kind of person," I continued. "So I let go. And the irony is, it is when we let go that we truly become free."

"Mabuti ka pa. (You are fortunate). I'm not yet okay Kane," he quietly said, looking at me.

"It's okay Neil," I said. "It's okay. You'll get there."

The flight was delayed so I arrived at the island almost noon. There I was, my backpack in one hand, my heart in another. This is it, I told myself.

I texted Neil, but he didn't respond. Ahhh, he could be swimming and left his phone in his room, I said to myself. I walked around to get some food. I tried calling him again after an hour, but there was still no response. I was getting worried.

Where is he? Why is he ignoring me? He knew I was coming to see him.

Finally, someone did pick up. Neil had left his phone in his house before going to the airport, the woman said. Was there any way I could contact him? I asked. No, there isn't, she said.

I suddenly realized the gargantuan almost impossible nature of the task facing me. I had to find Neil by literally walking all over the island in the hopes that I would bump into him. There was no other choice.

So I walked. And walked. And walked. I walked for hours, I walked nonstop. My feet were tired, my body sore, but I forged on.

And then dusk came. It was heartbreaking. I was exhausted, worried, and I still haven't seen him. Where is he? The sun begun its slow descent into the night sky; and as the heavens turned purple and orange, I felt it was as if the sunset was stealing the very last rays of my hope.

The island was plunged into darkness and I could no longer see afar. My chances of finding him became slimmer and slimmer. Where is Fate when you needed her?

I decided to rest for awhile before looking for him again that night. It was the only remaining chance I have of seeing him and talking to him. He was leaving tomorrow.

It was past midnight when I walked out to check the local clubs and bars. And then I saw him. My heart jumped.

I approached him but there was something wrong. And then I saw that Neil was completely wasted, drunk. He was incoherent. I wasn't even sure he recognized me. I begun to panic.

Fate can't be this cruel; to bring us so close together only to tear us apart. No, Neil cannot be drunk. I needed to tell him something, didn't I? I tried to revive him.

"Neil… are you okay? Huy," I pleaded.

He stared back at me with his glassy eyes, squinting once in a while. But he wouldn't respond. He was dead to my cries. After a while, his friends carried him off to bed.

I never saw him again.

There comes a time when warriors lose a battle. Defeat comes to us at some point in our lives. More and more, I have come to regard it as an old enemy, always there to snatch my happiness away.

Some might say what I did was foolish. Perhaps. Some will say maybe it wasn't the right time. Perhaps. Some will say it may never have been meant to be. Perhaps.

I stood at the shore as the island slowly came to life. Early birds were rushing to swim at the sea, hungry lovers walking the shore in search of a delicious breakfast. The sun had risen, a new day has begun. But inside, I felt like something died. Hope withers... again.

And then Fran texted.

"Hun, while this didn't turn out to be the pleasant surprise we hoped it would be, it still is a surprise... At how much you can feel for a boy after all these years, at how much courage you have walking the shores of Boracay in search of a hint of a promise, and how much strength you have to rise above the circumstance.

You might not have gotten your fairy tale ending. But honey, you are the fairy tale. Because it is not how the story ends that makes the tale. It is how it goes on and on and on...."

I broke down.

"Oh Fran, when did you get so wise?" I told her while sobbing.

"Hush hun. Sige lang. Just let it out. There will be another time," she said, comforting me.

The weight of my loss came crashing down on me. I cried for all the dreams that may never be. For all the times I fought for love and lost. Lagi na lang bang ganito? (Is it always this way?)

I was spent. Neil was gone, leaving me behind with all this love for him inside of me and no one to give it to. I don't know when I will see him again. Five years? Three years?

Crushed and defeated, there was only one thing left to do.

"It's time to go home, old timer," I said to myself. "Time to go home."
-

Spit Roast: The Mysterious Lady From The Bukid (Barrio)

2011-06-16T14:38:00.004+08:00

In February this year, the world was stunned when the mysterious lady from the barrio vanished leaving behind only these solemn words "And she lived happily ever after. Alone."

Her millions of fans panicked. Where did she go? Why did she leave?

Rumors were flying around and people were gossiping; did she get depressed over her ex lover? Perhaps she found a new one and eloped with him? Where in the world is she? Nobody knew the answers so I decided to pack my bag and hiked to the countryside to find her.

Lo and behold, I did, and luckily, I was able to persuade her to sit down with me for an interview.

It was my first Spit Roast with Rudeboy that led me to the blog of this writer who spins funny, sometimes touching, and often poignant stories about life in the barrio. As someone who lives and writes about life in the city, her stories were an eye-opener about how different and enchanting gay life can be in the province with their beauty contests, and straight boyfriends, picnics by the river and basketball games.

I backread every single one of her stories. Yep, that's more than two hundred tales she has written since 2007. She writes about lovers and friends, but if you're observant you would notice that this writer rarely reveals herself. We only see her through the eyes of the characters in her stories, and it is through this that we come to get to know her. But always, it is like seeing a lady through a veil.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you … Mandaya Moore.

Why do you blog? When did you open your first blog and how long did you keep it? In one of your entries, you said you closed it because someone revealed your identity.

It started with two journalist-friends who tried to convince me to blog. There were bloggers too. I initially said no because I didn’t know what to blog about.

But the thought of being able to write in literary form again excited me. After days of thinking about it, I gave in. And Mandaya Moore was born in 2006.

I didn't have any audience then. One day, Las Tres Estrallas mentioned me in their blog and linked me. I won the comment of the month contest thrice. Thanks to them, I gained traffic.

Why did you focus on life in the bukid?

I didn’t want to write about my politics or work. Other than those two things, there’s nothing else except my life in the bukid.

What's the story behind your blog name?

Davao Oriental, the bukid is home to the Mandaya tribe.

And? Are you connected to that tribe?

Does fucking a Mandaya man count ba?

Hahaha. I guess it could. So tell us how you closed your first blog.

It was an accident. Kulot’s ex read it, commented and even mentioned my real name. My plan was to delete her comment. I clicked the “delete blog” button, instead. Everything’s lost. No back up files. I don’t write drafts. Now, I do comment moderation.

Lesson learned huh. Why did you blog again? Was it because you wanted to write about your relationship with Kulot?

While Mandaya Moore was on “vacation,” I opened another blog — Maui Pacquiao — just a few posts. But it wasn’t the same as Mandaya’s. Maui had a different set of friends, it was about city life.

While I was Maui Pacquiao, I traveled around Mindanao and wrote about the places I'd been to. Then some friends who didn't know I had a blog started telling me to check Mandaya Moore's blog. A Baguio City-based friend, who's a multiple Palanca winner, wrote a tribute to Mandaya on his blog. He also didn't know I was Mandaya.

That's when I realized people actually read my blog. I had to go back to blogging as Mandaya. So it wasn't because of Kulot.

I became Mandaya Moore - Orlis. I returned to blogging with a hyphen - my way of explaining why I did not write for months. I had gotten married. We went on a honeymoon. We tried to have a baby.

Ahhhhh. What happened? Did you have difficulty conceiving?

I wasn't anatomically prepared.

Oh. That must have been quite a surprise. (Grins) Do you remember the most significant/memorable blog post you've ever read?

That would be from the The Red Horse Gallops. It was about a guy who prepared an anniversary dinner and waited for his lover who never arrived. I think the lover had a motorcycle accident or something like that.

But I've since stopped reading that blog. It is now closed.

What is the most significant/memorable blog post you've ever written?

Two posts in the old blog. “Leche Flan,” which included a recipe on how to cook it.

At that time Kulot and I broke off. It was the day before the town fiesta and there were orders for leche flan. He volunteered to cook it in his mother’s house. As he was leaving, I reminded him of our secret on how to make “melts-in-your-mouth” leche flan. Slow fire and patience. And I thought it was also what our relationship needed.

The other would be “Johnny.” It was about me having a drinking session with our friend Johnny, whose five-day old baby had just died. He cried before me and I was thinking who’s feeling worse: “He losing his five-day old baby or me losing my five-year old relationship with Kulot.”

That “Johnny” post got a comment from the great writer Wilfredo Pascual.

I suppose there are no copies left of those two stories. Do you ever consider writing those stories again?

I rewrote the two blog posts for someone who wanted to show them to a filmmaker. I have the rewritten posts (printed form as my MacBook crashed), but never sent them to that person who requested the copies.

Who are your favorite bloggers and why?

1. Mugen --- I would kill for him. The words, the sentences, the paragraphs -- perfect. His topics vary, yet he is still consistenly good.

2. Buquir --- An underrated writer. More people, not just call center agents, should read him. He's really funny.

3. Rudeboy --- because he is Rudeboy.

4. McVie --- Simply one of the best. Gay writing but not the loud kind. I've been reading him for years. We exchanged links only last year. Suplado sya. Hahahaha!

5. Yes, you Kane. You were one of the bloggers I've read outside my so-called "circle." I'm still not through reading back your past posts.

You and Mugen remind me of a journalism professor of mine in college who said writing is the art of choosing, choosing the right word, sentence, paragraph for a story.

Do you read a lot of blogs? I noticed you rarely comment on others peoples' stories so I was wondering if you read only a few blogs.

I used to comment a lot, but only to the “circle of bloggers” that I read when I started blogging. When fellow blogger Kiks started the “Theorgy,” I began reading blogs outside that “circle.”

My fault, I haven’t been going beyond my links. There are a lot of good writers. I felt like I was being rude not to at least have the courtesy of commenting on their blogs or link them back.

What I don’t usually do is comment on a comment on my blog. For me, it’s like reading a book. The author doesn’t answer back to a marginal note written by the reader. This isn’t interactive. But then again it happened several times— the readers’ comments influencing my decisions in life. I may not comment on the comments, but I do read them, I consider them.

Do your friends from the "bukid" read your blog? How do they feel about it?

They do and they are crazy about it. When I’m not around they share their stories, photos. They even want photo-ops for the blog.

Can you share with us what you do for a living? How old are you?

I would be lying if I tell.

Ahhhh... ever the mysterious one. I have read with great fascination your story with Kulot. How are you both now? Are you friends? Do you see each other / talk to each other? Is he still together with the same girl? Is he married? I read your last story about him, and I really loved it. It was so tender.

Kulot is now somewhere in Northern Luzon. We're friends. He regularly texts to say hi. He calls, too. He's no longer with the “Bilat.” They broke up when Kulot was here last December. The reason - Kulot didn't want to give his mobile phone to the suspecting girlfriend. I, the suspecting ex, believe that Kulot didn't want the girl to know that we were texting.

The Bilat, after graduating from high school, now works for a bakeshop. I have since stopped buying bread from that bakeshop.

Do you still think of him, sometimes? Do you miss what you had? How do you feel now?

I still do. Good thoughts. Happy thoughts. No regrets. I loved the guy. I probably still do love him.

Ahhh... is he the biggest love of your life (so far)?

Yes he is. But for me, the greatest love of all is easy to achieve. Learning to love your self is the greatest love of all. And if by chance…

Are you currently single?

Nope. I’m having a relationship with my DVD player and “pirated” M2M films. HAHAHA!

Well... I am seeing Bimby -- a 20-year bukid boy. He's too cute for the bukid.

How cute?

Like this.

Oooohhhh. Isn't he rather young? (Grins) What attracts you to a man, the sort you look for in a boyfriend and not just a fling?

He should have this parochial feel. I’m tired of dating men (and most of them are gay) who can’t have a conversation without mentioning “post-modern.”

AHAHAHAHA. You're baddddddd...

I like straight men, not straight-acting gay men.
I like construction workers, tambays, adiks, schoolboys, not from the Ateneo but from colleges that have dilapidated buildings.
I love farmers, fishers, bus drivers, even balut vendors.
I love the AFP. I love the NPA. I’m still trying to hook up with an MILF rebel.

How many "meaningful" romantic relationships have you had?

Your “meaningful” is in quotes. Please expound. Hahaha

Well, hahaha. Relationships that mattered, you know. That changed you.

I had one with a businessman (who made me a kept partner because he was married), a law graduate (he still has not passed the bar), a Shell Philippines engineer (also married) and Kulot. Four.

Have you had a relationship with a gay man?

A lot. Loved them. It’s just that I’m more into straight guys now.

Why is that? Do you think a relationship between a gay man and a straight man can last? I'm curious.

I just got tired being a top so I shifted to being a bottom. HAHAHA!

Kane, dahlin, nothing lasts forever.

Hahahaha. Really? You were a top? Uhm... no, you don't have to answer. (Grins)

As your blog description states, you write a lot about life in the province. And I think that is what fascinates most of your readers who are based in the city. You give us a glimpse of how life is in the barrio.

How different is it being gay in the barrio as compared to being gay in the city?

Life is simple in the bukid. No rush, no traffic, no pollution. We gays there can live with our small earnings from cutting hair, rebond, hair stretching, even eyebrow enhancement.

I can go to the palengke (market) without taking a bath. We have drinking sprees outside a sari-sari store. No dressing up, but definitely fully made up.

In the bukid, we don’t have gay-to-gay relationships. It’s a mortal sin. You won’t receive sacrament if you do that. Why do it with another gay guy when there are straight boys?

Hahaha. Well… sex with gay men is different compared to straight men, right?

An ocean of difference. When a straight man fucks you, you can shout “inangkin nya ako” to the world. When you do it with another gay man, you can shout “nag-angkinan kami” to the world.

When you go to the city, do you go clubbing?

Sometimes. When my sushal friends invite me.

What are your favorite cities and why?

Davao City. Inexpensive. Safe. Clean.
Dapitan City-- boys, beach and bitch (me).

Do you think you'll ever live permanently in a city? Or is your barrio home?

The city is not for me. Too crowded. Too Avril Lavine (Complicated). In fact, I want a bahay kubo for a house.

Do you read your old stories? How do they make you feel?

I do. The old posts make me laugh. And the comments make me laugh even louder. They make me realize that, yes, I can write.

Why do you write in Filipino?

Because I can express better in that language. Let's just say that I'm a frustrated literary writer. I want to join Palanca but never had the guts.

Why did you stop writing? Will you write again? When?

The last post wasn't meant to be the last post. I was planning to introduce an “interactive” kind of blogging. The plan was to have the “mahiwagang shorts” go around blogger-friends and readers who can have their photos taken with the shorts and i'll have it posted on the blog. But then something happened.

In February, we discovered that our father was sick with cancer --- stage 4 prostate cancer. The doctor gave him two years to live. So I became busy with a lot of things.

He's doing fine, for now --- thanks to that uber expensive monthly IV shot for his decompressed spine-- where the cancer cells had spread.

Oh... I am sorry to hear that. I can only imagine what you are going through. It is never easy to take care of a loved one.

Funny thing is that despite having been told that his days are numbered, our father still insists he's a victim of “kulam” (witchcraft). We just let him be with his denial.

What do you think will happen to Mandaya Moore? Will she find her happily ever after?

Mandaya Moore will be back.

Happy ever after? That would be a long shot. There should be no timeline for happiness – this will be my first line for my comeback blog post.

Thank you Mandaya for sharing your stories with me, with us. I was really surprised you agreed to an interview. I've always had an impression you were rather... aloof. And I have always been curious about you. I think a lot of us are.

As you may know, every guest gets a chance to ask one question. It can be anything in this world.

Mandaya: What's the one thing you hate about blogging?

Hahahahaha. You bad, bad girl. You could have asked me about the joys blogging gives me, but nooooo... you had to pick the opposite.

Whew. This is a rather difficult one, Mandaya. Hate is such a strong word, but there are certain things about blogging that I find a little uncomfortable. I write very personal stories so sometimes I feel weird that some people really begin to know a lot of information about me.

Don't get me wrong. It was my choice to write the kind of stories I write, but the unavoidable consequence is that some people will recognize me and sometimes I'm surprised by the amount of information they know. I guess there are really observant readers out there, and it can be a little frightening.

To be so naked... so exposed? I guess it is something I have to live with.
-

A Decade After (I)

2011-05-31T17:33:00.007+08:00

Previously:
The Marrying Kind

"Hey, so how was last night?" Vackie asked me.

"Honey… I kissed someone. And it was electrifying. That one kiss… changed me."

24 hours earlier

Neil was in town for a vacation and we were dining in one of my favorite restaurants in the city. A thunderstorm had suddenly appeared, heralding the last days of summer and Manila was drenched. The place was empty except for us.

"So… how long has it been?" Neil asked me.

I was looking at him, noticing the changes in him. The years have taken its toll on both of us.

"Three years and five wrinkles ago," I said, and we both laughed.

"That long huh," he said.

I remember that day clearly. It was winter in San Francisco and since we were both in the city, we agreed to meet by the giant Christmas tree in Union Square. It was my first time to travel to the U.S. and I was giddy with the thrill of seeing a place for the first time, but I was excited to see Neil more than anything else.

It was cold and the winds in San Francisco are gusty. I was running around the park, looking for him, but there were too many holiday shoppers and families out that night and I couldn't find him. I called him.

"Where are you?" I said.

"I'm here waiting for you, beside the tree," he said.

"Where? I can't see you."

I looked around, my eyes peering intently, and suddenly the crowds parted. And there he was… smiling at me. He looked even better than I remembered.

But that was then. At that time, he was married to David in Canada. I was with Manuel then, and those were some of the happiest times in both our lives. I remember how our faces glowed in the dusk.

This was a photo of their honeymoon in Cuba. They looked so happy.

The years have passed. Neil and David eventually divorced. Manuel and I broke up. We are older now, and sometimes I wonder how much of that boy I first met remains in him.

We were both 19, in the throes of youth, when I fell madly in love with him. He spoke my language and understood my stories. He and I would read each other our favorites books and poems for hours. But alas, he had a boyfriend, and we quietly decided it was best that we remain friends.

Neil and I had gone through many changes in our lives. I left for Europe after college, and we would write each other letters when I was away. He was here when I came back. A few years later, it was his turn. He left for Canada. He did not come back.

We have had numerous lovers and we would tell each other about the current men in our lives. But deep down I always thought Neil and I would end up together one day. Perhaps, when we were both ready. I fondly call him my Mr. Big.

"So are you with someone right now?" Neil asked me during the dinner.

"Ahhhh Neil. I fear I am always the date, never the groom," I replied, smiling at him. "You?"

"There's this guy I'm going out with," he answered..

"I'm glad you have someone," I said. "Tell me about him. How are you?"

Neil proceeded to tell stories of his life in Toronto, the work that he does, the house he is designing for his parents, his travels in South America, the men he dated. When he asked me about the men I dated, I told him about Chris the concubine, Denver the boy from Denmark, and Dwayne who I met in the street. Our eyes were animated and we laughed so much, never mind the rain pounding the windows of the winery.

"Grabe, I've missed you," Neil said. "It has been awhile."

"I know. But sometimes, you know, I feel like it's as if we never said goodbye," I told him. "It's like the years and months and days just melt away."

"So you and I are okay like this, right?" he suddenly asked me. "As friends?"

The question caught me by surprise. What did he mean? "It's just that you're so far away," I answered tentatively.

"But how will you know? How will you ever know?" he said.

How indeed, I wondered.

We were both a little tipsy and that night we kissed for the first time in 11 years. Baby, you're a firework, the words rang in my head. That kiss contained all the yearning and desire I have felt for him all these years. It was magical.

And it was then that it hit me. I am in love with him.

I have searched far and wide and I have fallen in love and out of love many times, but life does indeed come full circle. Neil is the man I want to be with, I realized. It has always been him. That no matter the changes in us, despite the ocean that separates us, we are still inexplicably drawn to each other.

That kiss forced me to confront who Neil really is to me, no more hiding behind half-truths and veiled words like we always have before.

This was the first poem we both loved.

Star-crossed
by Ronald Baytan

This is our fate.
You are a waterfall,
and I, a stream;
You will forever flow through me,
but I shall never contain you,
and you will never wash me away.

Who knew how prophetic those words would turn out to be.

Neil is going back to Toronto this Saturday. He left Manila today for an island getaway. I realized I don't have a lot of time left. Do I dare tell him how I feel? Or do I wait again?

Suddenly, I realized I want to be brave. I don't want to wait another decade. So tomorrow, I am skipping work to catch a plane to go to an island to tell a boy that I love him.

My thoughts right now are muddled. I am worried, scared of how he will react. What if he doesn't feel the same way? How can I compare to the beautiful and sophisticated men he meets in Canada? His ex-husband David is a dashing, handsome Eastern European I feel so ordinary. Plain.

And even if he does feel something for me, so what? We live so far away from each other. I can't ask him to move here and I don't want to give up my life and move there.

So I fear, we will be as what we have always been. Somewhere in between, skirting the shadow and the light. Never really together, never quite apart.

No matter, at least, he would know who he really is to me. After all these years.
-

Sade & Masoch (S&M) (For Adults Only)

2011-05-23T11:23:00.001+08:00

Fiction

DISCLAIMER: Although some things were borne out of the writer's imagination, certain events may have transpired and resemblances to actual events, people, and places can exist.

There was a knock on the door. "Come in," I said. Eva slowly entered the room. She was dressed in a black dress, with stockings and high-heeled shoes, just liked I said. We had met at a party weeks ago. She was beautiful; a lawyer with a loving husband and two kids, but she was here today because she wanted something only I could give.

"Sit," I said, gesturing to the sofa.

I finished signing the papers on my desk and let the silence fill the room. When I was done, I approached her. She's sitting very straight, with her knees together. Very slowly, I unbuttoned her shirt. It was her first time and I was going to break her in.

Training a new pet is always entertaining. There is nothing like the first time, as they say. You have to exert absolute control over them; they speak only if you allow it. There is always the thrill of seeing how far they will go, how much they will give up... for you. You are God, and your every wish is their command.

I took Eva's hand and our skins touched. I knew she was nervous and excited and afraid. I squeeze her fingers. I know she wants to kiss me but she wouldn't dare. I know she wants me to kiss her but I won't. I reach out and touch the back of her neck. I let my hand glide down her throat and over her breast, and along the curve of her hip down to her legs.

I lifted her dress above her stockings. I take a step back and I see that Eva was sitting very still, rigid, and her knees were still together.

"Open."

She was startled by my voice.

"Open your legs," I said, my voice getting harder. "Obey now. Or leave."

She finally obeyed. I stared at her for awhile before I finally walked up to her. I knelt down before her spread legs, reached out and touched the black lace covering her swelling cunt. I stroke the fabric with precision.

I stopped, and pulled her up to stand. I turned her around, and instinctively she arched her back.

"Good," I said. "You look beautiful that way."

I removed my tie and placed it over her eyes. "Nobody has ever treated you as I'm going to treat you."

Eva tried to touch me inside my pants. I slapped her hand away. "If you prove youself to be a good pet, then I may perhaps one day let you touch me and suck me. And if I am pleased with you, I may fuck you."

I stepped out and left her standing, instructing her not to move.

When I came back, she was still standing, not moving. Eva heard me come in and stretched out her hand to me.

"No. Hands behind your back." She obeyed. "Now, concentrate on what I'm going to do to you. I am going to drive you crazy."

"You will forever look for this. You will wait for me to call you; you'll pray for me to call you, you'll come right away and do everything I say," I continued. "You'll need me. You'll never again have an orgasm without thinking of me."

I turned her around to face the table and pressed her face against the wood. I opened a tube of lubricant and poured it into her anus. I inserted a toy that I like to use inside her.

"Don't move." I lifted her so she can face me. I forced her to sit on the table, with the toy still inside her ass. "You're a bit narrow. I need to make you wider."

Eva was trying not to put her weight on the table and instead, was supporting her body with her hands and thighs.

"Open your legs." I pulled some chairs and put them in front oh her. "Now, put your feet on these chairs." With her thighs as far apart as they can go, she is forced to shift her weight backward. The toy sinks into her.

"That's good, you need widening. Lean on it. Butt-fuck yourself."

Eva clutched the edge of the table and I could see she was trying to shift some of her weight into her hands.

"Hands behind your back." She put her hands behind her back, but I could see she was still trying to lean on them. I grab her hair and pushed her down, and the toy went in her completely.

I tied her wrists with a piece of cloth, so that she was handcuffed, blindfolded while spread eagled on a table with a toy inside her. I push her panties aside and lightly touch her cunt. I stick my forefinger inside, take it out, then raise it to her mouth. "You're soaking wet," I said."Suck it."

She sucks my damp finger. I began to suck on her clitoris, my tongue tender and rough, burrowing inside her, and my fingers move with increasing force together with small then bigger flicks on my tongue.

I suck, tease, finger, stop and start again. Her moans were getting louder and louder. Her back arched, and her body went rigid and I knew she was near. Her cunt reaches the point of ecstacy and explodes and she convulses and collapses on the table, drenched in sweat and her juices.

"I'll see you soon. Don't call me. I'll send for you when I want to see you again."

Sadism refers to the pleasure derived from inflicting pain and humiliation on others. It comes from the name of Marquis de Sade, an 18th-century French nobleman, dramatist and philosopher famous for his sexual experimentations.

Masochism refers to the pleasure derived from receiving pain and humiliation. It comes from the name of Leopold Ritter von Sacher-Masoch, an Austrian writer and journalist famous for his fantasies of dominant women wearing fur.
-

Gossip Girl: Prêt-à-Poor A

2011-05-16T10:13:00.007+08:00

Previously on Gossip Girl:
While You Were Sleeping
"I was stunned. My mind was reeling. OMG. Chris???? And Mark???? And Arlan???? WTF. I was gripping the wine glass in my hand so hard it almost broke."

When K Met J
"...I was surprised when I saw him. Wow, he is cute. Hmmmm... make that really cute. I found myself drawn to Jim and his stories."

Click here to meet the cast.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. Seems Dickens knew something about life on the Upper East Side. Where the only thing you can count on is that what goes around... comes around.

Sunday night

"I can't believe it," Arlan confronted me. He had discovered what happened the night before and was upset.

"What do you mean?" I replied. "You, of all people, should know how the game works. I mean, you slept with Chris remember?"

"It's not the same. I can't believe you're comparing that to this," A rebutted.

This just in: We hear there's a cold war brewing between our favorite girls. Wonder what or who lit the fuse.

48 hours earlier

My friends and I were excited to see each other and catch up after weeks of being apart. We had decided to spend our summers separately and we were eager to hear each other's adventures.

Carlo went traipsing all over the Great Wall of China.

Vackie and Arlan tested their resolves on Temptation Island.

Edward lazed by the white sand beaches of Amanpulo.

And I went on an Eat Pray Love pilgrimage in India.

Friday night

It was my friend's despedida party and I invited Arlan and Jim along. Jim was someone I went out with a couple of years ago and we decided to see each other and catch up.

Jim and Arlan, apparently, were a huge hit with the guests at the party.

"Guapo siya (He's hot)," Gary told me, motioning to Jim. "Are you guys dating?"

"No… I mean, we did… before," I said. I looked at Jim and realized Gary was right. Jim looked especially good tonight. His shirt showed off his lean body and tight muscles. Sometimes, when you're so used to seeing someone, you forget how beautiful they are.

"Eh si Arlan? (What about Arlan?)"

"Oh, we're best friends," I answered. "We went out before but that was ages ago."

"Mahilig ka talaga sa guapo (You really have a thing for goodlooking guys)," Gary said. "Tingnan mo (Look), everyone's crowded around them."

After we got tipsy, we hit the club to meet with our other friends. The crowd was raucous… and wild. When the club closed, we continued partying at my friend's place. We ended at two in the afternoon, the next day.

Saturday night

"What time is it?" Vackie groaned. We had just woken up and the sky outside was dark.

I checked my phone. My head was still throbbing, and my tummy was churning with hunger.

"It's past midnight. Come on, let's fix up and get something to eat before we go out."

"Where's Arlan?" Leo cried out for the forty seventh time that night.

Leo was the latest of a long series of men who had fallen for the charms of my friend. Arlan, apparently ditched him (and us) that night, and he was upset.

"Alam mo ba (Do you know) this is the second time he did this to me," Leo said. "The last time, he made me wait for him at the metro station for an hour!!"

"Come on… relax," Carlo said. "Just try to enjoy the night. He probably fell asleep."

"Do you know I was supposed to visit my mom this weekend? I didn't go because of him!" Leo said, continuing his rant.

"Hay naku Leo… mag move on ka na (You'd better move on)," V told him.

"Ayoko. Gagawin ko ang lahat. (I don't want to. I'll do everything to win him.)"

Oh well, I thought to myself. Another one bites the dust. Sigh. Ang pasaway talaga nitong si Arlan. He ditched the guy and left us to deal with him.

Leo was so upset he didn't notice the tons of gazes men were throwing at him. Three of my friends had asked to be introduced to him. He was tall, with beautiful eyes and thick eyebrows. He was clearly a looker.

When dawn arrived, I accompanied him to get a cab to bring him home. Ten minutes later, I was surprised to see Leo back and approaching us.

"I don't want to go home yet. Gaganti ako (I want revenge)," he said. "May cute ba diyan? Kunin natin. (Is there anyone cute? Let's get him.)"

"Leo… relax, come on. You're drunk and tired," I said. "You should go home. It's morning already."

"Ayoko! (I don't want to!)" He was adamant. "Gusto kong gumanti! (I want to get even!)"

V and I looked at each other and looked back at Leo.

"Well… if you really want to get even, then why look for someone else?" V said. "Don't you know… the best revenge is for you to sleep with his friend."

"Or... friends," I said.

And he did.

Sunday night

"I can't believe it," Arlan confronted me. He had discovered what happened the night before and was upset.

"What do you mean?" I replied. "You, of all people, should know how the game works. I mean, you slept with Chris remember?"

"It's not the same. I can't believe you're comparing that to this," A rebutted.

"How is it different? Look Arlan, the world doesn't work that way. The same rules apply to you too."

Spotted: A learning that when it comes to life's bitterest pills, the hardest to swallow is a taste of your own medicine.

Hours later

Arlan took out his phone and dialled a number. After a few rings, the person picked up.

"Hey Jim, kamusta (how are you)? Listen, I was wondering... do you want to go out sometime?"

Oh girls, you tried to play dirty at the dance. But you should know, nobody puts A in the corner. Gossip Girl's hardly a war buff, but I did cram for a quiz or two on the French Revolution. Heads up, ladies. Looks like a cannonball's coming your way.

But before everything falls apart, let me show you a glimpse of what life was like during the good old times. For it will surely be missed.

Every summer, vacationers traverse the globe in search of new sights and experiences. But when it comes to a scandal, I'll take Manila every time.

Welcome home, Upper East Siders. You know you missed me.

XOXO

The Attack of the Nineteen-Year Olds

2011-05-10T17:35:00.005+08:00

My friends and I noticed a couple of cute guys inside the club and after a few drinks, we began flirting with them. I found out they were both from Davao and that …

"Honey, they're nineteen," I told Vackie, pulling him away from them as we retreated to a corner.

"What????" V said, shaking his head in disbelief. "Nineteen??? Fuck. Ang bata naman. (They're too young.) That's like almost a decade younger than us."

"Now now, let us not be too specific," I replied laughing.

"OMG! Don't tell me they're still in school?"

"Well, apparently... they're out of school. Drop outs."

"Oh."

We stared at them again and I suddenly noticed the glowing skin, the bright eager eyes. Ahhhh, the telltale signs of youth.

"Honey, why is it so difficult to meet guys our age?" V asked the next day during lunch. "I mean, a girl like you should be at the hands of a designer at a ball one day and skiing in the Alps the next. Not getting drunk at parties and making out with these teenagers!"

"Hahahaha. Gaga ka talaga," I said. "But I have been thinking about that. We keep meeting these really young boys no? Where are the 30-something men with bank accounts and titles?"

We both gave a big sigh and munched on in silence.

"But come to think of it honey, you have been going out since you were what… eighteen? You're bound to have met everyone already," V continued. "I mean, you've probably dated half of Manila's most eligible gay bachelors."

"Well… what about the other half?"

"Well… I guess we, your friends have dated them," V replied and we burst out laughing.

"Fucker," I said. "Honey, Manila is soooo tiny."

"Is it? Or are we just making it smaller?"

"Maybe we need to move to another city," I ventured.

"No. Maybe you need to move to another city and give us poor girls more room to breathe!" V said pointing a forkful of chicken at me.

The world is becoming smaller. It is not uncommon for my friends to date or hook up with someone I went out with before, and vice versa. In fact, it has almost become de rigueur. Someone's old boy can be your new toy. Why waste a pretty face? Or ... a hot body?

But the pool of attractive and out gay men in Manila is modest to begin with, and all these interactions and cross breeding is further shrinking it.

It should therefore, be no surprise, that most of the new people we are meeting belong to the latest generation of gay men in Manila exploring the scene. These are the young men eager to see the world, and find their place in it, much like my friends and I did once upon a time. It is their time now.

And of course, we are always there at the gates, to welcome them.
-

Terror of Religion

2011-05-06T11:13:00.001+08:00

It was past midnight when the plane landed at the airport in Delhi. Bleary eyed and sleepy, I trudged to the counter to get a visa. The Philippines was recently granted the visa-upon-arrival facility by India to encourage more travel and trade between the two nations.

Aside from the usual questions such as how long do you plan to stay in the country, which places are you visiting, I was jolted awake when the immigration officer suddenly asked something strange.

"Do you have any family members or relatives living in Pakistan?" the burly dark skinned man interrogating me said.

I shook my head.

Ten young Pakistanis stormed two luxury hotels, a Jewish centre, and a train station in Mumbai, India's fiinancial capital, in November 2008. The attack killed 166 people, and highlighted the decades-long conflict between the two nuclear-armed rivals that began more than sixty years ago.

When the British left, their former colony British India was partitioned based on religious demographics that led to the creation of the two separate states of India and Pakistan on August 15, 1947.

That prompted what probably was the greatest migration in human history. On that day, more than 12 million people packed up and left their homes. Muslims in India headed for Pakistan, while Hindus and Sikhs living in newly created Pakistan journeyed to India.

Religious hatred was viciously unleashed and over a million people were slaughtered in the massacres and riots that followed.

In his book the Age of Khali, historian and travel writer William Dalrymple wrote about the experience of one of the survivors of that day, Khawajah Bilal, who was the train station master of Lahore at that time. The city of Lahore went to Pakistan, just fifteen miles from the Indian border, and the train station became witness to the religious war.

Here is an excerpt of Bilal's account from the book:

"We heard an announcement that Partition had taken place. Soon after that the killing started, the slaughter began… One morning, I think it was August 30, the Bombay Express came in from Delhi. We found dead bodies in the lavatories, on the seats, under the seats. There had been around 2,000 people on this train. We checked the whole train, but nobody was alive except for one person...

Only one man out of two thousand. After that, every train that came from India was attacked. We used to receive one hundred trains a day. Each one was full of corpses."

The years have passed since then. But for some, the horrors of the Partition still live with them; unhealed wounds that to this day continue to poison relations between Hindus and Muslims, India and Pakistan.

Today, the border between the two nations is fortified, covered with razor wire and guarded by soldiers in sandbagged bunkers. Since the Partition, the two have fought three wars, two of them over the disputed region of Kashmir.

In February, India and Pakistan said they will resume formal peace talks before July for the first time in more than two years after it was derailed by the Mumbai terror attacks. While little may be achieved, it is still better than nothing.

Religious bigotry has caused numerous wars and extreme acts of cruelty in human history. It is heavily tainted with self righteousness, sustained by the belief that it is God's will.

I was inside the Jama Masjid mosque in Old Delhi, the largest mosque in India. The courtyard can hold up to 20,000 worshippers. India, though predominantly a Hindu country, is home to the third-biggest Muslim population in the world after Indonesia and Pakistan.

I watched as the faithful washed their hands and feet before praying. It seemed so peaceful; so removed from the violence that had happened to this country.

I wondered what they were praying for.
-

Kiss of Surrender

2011-05-03T16:13:00.001+08:00

Martin always had a small crush on Vackie. Martin would casually ask him out for dinner and movie dates and Tagaytay food trips. Unfortunately, Vackie didn't like him that way but he was a good guy and eventually they became friends.

He celebrated his birthday one weekend. He was getting drunk, and the alcohol made him bolder than he really was, more reckless.

"Can I have a kiss?" Martin asked Vackie suddenly during the party. "Sige na. Birthday ko naman. (Come on. It's my birthday, anyway)."

Vackie thought about it for a while and agreed. Martin kissed him eagerly. A little too eagerly. He shoved his tongue inside Vackie's mouth, pouncing like a lioness on its prey. Vackie was taken aback. He was sloppy and greedy and clearly didn't know how to kiss.

"Okay, okay. Okay na. I gotta go. Kane is looking for me," Vackie said.

"One more please. Sige na. (Come on.) It's the last."

"Okay… fine," Vackie said, taking a deep breath.

Martin did it again, but this time the kiss was forceful, more insistent.

"Okay na. I really have to go," Vackie said, stopping Martin after a few seconds.

"One last. Ten seconds, please?" Martin asked again.

Vackie was about to say no but then he saw the quiet pleading look in his eyes.

"Okay," Vackie acquiesced. When the kiss ended, Martin still wasn't satisfied. He begged for one final kiss.

"Okay Martin, one final kiss," Vackie said slowly. "But this time I will take the lead. I am going to do this for you, and for all the boys you will kiss after me."

Vackie held Martin's face in his hands and closed his eyes. He leaned forward slowly and kissed him the way we would kiss our lovers; quiet and strong and gentle and forceful at the same time. He surrendered himself, and in that kiss lay all his yearning for love.

The kiss ended. For a moment, they were both still. Vackie stepped back and quietly started walking away.

At his back, Martin slowly collapsed on the couch with a dazed, or perhaps it was a dazzled look on his face.
-

Tangled in Your Hair

2011-04-29T11:02:00.001+08:00

"Alam mo, mas gwapo ka pag maikli yang buhok mo (You know, you'd look better with shorter hair)," Rommel told me, insisting that he drive me at once to the nearest barbershop.

I was aghast. A barbershop???? Rommel and his friends dragged me from the club the previous night and we were hanging out at his place and having lunch while still gulping down some alcoholic drink he concocted.

"Honey!!! He wanted to (gasp) chop off my golden locks!!!!" I told Vackie the next day.

"Hahaha. You should have told him to keep his hands off your hair," V said, laughing. "And that you never go to a barber. It's so ... antiquated."

Once upon a time, hair was as much as an indication of wealth and social status as it was of taste and fashion. How you dressed your hair showed who you were and who you did.

During the Roman era, women curled, twisted, and looped their hair to create elaborately arranged layers. In the 18^th century courts of the European kings and queens, women and men donned elaborate wigs, mile-high coiffures and lavishly decorated curls. A complex hairstyle illustrated the wealth of the wearer as it showed he or she can afford to take the time to do his or her hair.

Nowadays, hair has become mainly an expression of personal identity. Women and men are experimenting with a plethora of styles that even stylists (and perhaps, even barbers too) are boggled.

All of a sudden, men in New York, Tokyo, and Paris don't want just a normal trim. Instead, they want 360 Waves, mohawks, dreadlocks, Afros and pompadours. And these are just the styles that have names. Often enough, these clever young lads crossbreed styles into hybrids to create their own personal look.

I always had a fascination with hair. In my lifetime, I have had short hair, semikalbo (nearly bald), long, curly, wavy, straight, with bangs, without bangs, and practically everything in between.

Hair allows me to play, to create a different character, a different version of me. You can be a foxy brunette one day, an edgy dark haired rock star the next, or a golden haired prince. It allows you to be anything you want to be.

But of course, everyone knows that in the gay world, the most commercial and sellable look is still the short haired clean cut one. Whether you're in Paris or Manila or LA, more than half of the population of gay guys sport this look.

So wearing your hair long can be tricky especially for someone like me. My features are not masculine. (Sigh). I am not dark skinned, hairy, heavy nor tall.

I look androgynous and the longer my hair grows, the more feminine my appearance becomes. Which in the gay world, translates to scaring potential dates away.

But … I am very stubborn. Although short hair does suit me, I refuse to change how I look just to please a guy. You'll get more men, my friends would say. But I don't need more men. I want someone who will be able to appreciate how unconventional I am.

My hair has grown longer over the past few months. I normally tie it in a ponytail so it doesn't get unruly. Yes, it is difficult to maintain. And on ordinary days, you look like shit.

But on some days, when the wind cooperates and you catch the sunlight in the right way, you just might get lucky.

Gossip Girl: Summer Tips

2011-04-20T10:17:00.000+08:00

Sorry for the silent treatment, Gossips. But everyone deserves a little R and R. So before you head off for the Holy Week, I'd like to share a few things I've learned about having fun under the sun. We all know how some of us get burned by the heat.

Tip No. 1: Leave before the sun rises. The best hookups are free of morning breath and awkward conversations.

Tip No. 2: There is no "we" in summer. Only you and I. Find out where you stand before you find yourself stood up. Anyone can canoodle in April and May, but will he be gone by June?

Tip No. 3: Go to the beach, escape the city, smell the flowers. It's true ... all good things must come to an end, and summer is no exception. They don't call it "fall" for nothing.

XOXO

Gossip Girl: While You Were Sleeping

2011-04-08T12:59:00.017+08:00

Previously on Gossip Girl:

Good Will Hunting

"All I need you to do is to get Will very drunk the next time we see him at the club."

Age of Dissonance
"Honeyyyyyy… gusto ko talaga si surgeon, (I really like surgeon)" V told me.

Farewell My Concubine
"Hey, I'll miss you," I said and smiled at him weakly.

Click here to meet the cast.

A wise woman once said that every morning when you wake up you should say a little prayer. After all, you never know what your day may bring.

"Go to Malate tonight," Arlan told me in a commanding voice.

"Honey, I can't," I replied. "You know I have work tomorrow."

"Too bad... I arranged a little get together and guess who's coming," he said.

"Ohhhhh. Now that was quick," I said. "I'm impressed A. All right, I'll be there. But I'll be late. I'm having dinner with Chris and we will follow."

"Don't be too late. Remember K ... you have a boy to catch."

Someone was knocking on the door.

"Fuck. He's already here," I muttered to myself while hurriedly putting on a pair of jeans. I was still fixing my hair and still wasn't dressed.

"Hey! Kamusta?" I said after I opened the door. "Ang aga mo ah. (You're early)."

"Wow.. pumayat ka! (You lost weight!)," Chris said staring at me. I realized I was still naked except for the jeans.

"Well, that's because I never forgot what you told me the last time," I said, twirling around to show him my flatter tummy. "What was it again? Oh, now I remember... 'Grabe Kane, ang laki mo na!'"

"Sus, wala lang yun (Come on, that was just nothing)," Chris said, laughing so hard.

"It wasn't. You should know, some things a girl never forgets."

Chris and I dined at one of my favorite steak houses in the city. I rarely eat meat, but tonight was an exception. It has been awhile since we last saw each other.

We had a good time, we shared a lot of laughter and a lot of stories. I told him all about my trip to South America; how Machu Picchu took my breath away, how I tasted cuy chactado or fried guinea pig for the frist time, how I made friends with our guide who taught me all about the Incas.

He told me about how he turned down a promotion at work, how his ex boyfriend finally left for the U.S. and how emotional their final meeting was.

"I wanted to project a happy aura. I didn't want it to be a sad meeting," he said. "I wanted it to be really casual."

"Did you ... kiss or hug him?"

"I knew if I hugged him, he will never let go. All the memories will come back in that very quick embrace," Chris narrated.

"So we had dinner. Then coffee. Then we went to a comedy bar because I wanted our last night together to be fun and happy," he continued. "Then someone sang our favorite song. Then I held his hand. Then... I cried."

Chris looked at me. He was a little teary eyed and at that moment, he suddenly seemed fragile and beautiful.

"I looked so stupid Kane. I was supposed to laugh there, instead, I ended up crying."

Chris and I have a strange relationship; we're not exactly "friends" but neither are we "not friends". Somewhere in the middle, I guess.

On our way to Malate, we held hands. I traced my fingers on his palm and drew imaginary birds with golden wings. His skin was rough, just like I remembered.

It was already late and obviously Will wasn't coming.

"Where is he?" I asked Arlan for the seventeenth time that night. "Why isn't he here yet? Argh."

"Sorry honey. I've been calling him but he's not picking up. Hayaan mo na. (Never mind him)."

Sigh. It looked like the night was going to be a total waste. I looked around the room and suddenly spotted a familiar face. Well… maybe not.

Mark, the surgeon, was at a corner of the bar and I approached him and said hi. I introduced my friends and later on, we all decided to stay and have a few more drinks at A's place. But I was already drunk.

"Honey, I'm going to go ahead and sleep," I told Arlan. "I gotta wake up for work and it's already 5 a.m."

"You coming?" I motioned to Chris.

"Sunod na lang ako. (I'll follow)"

I went to the bedroom and slipped into a drunker stupor while the three of them stayed up drinking. Or … so I thought.

Uh oh. But careful K, once darkness descends true natures emerge and everything and everyone is fair game.

My friends and I were hanging out a couple of days later at my place and Vackie and I were badgering Arlan to tell us what happened after I fell asleep.

"Come on, what really happened after?" I said.

"What did Chris tell you ba?" he replied.

"He said he slept afterwards and left you and Mark."

A seemed agitated and looked a little nervous. I was getting a little nervous, too. V hasn't seen Mark in a long time and he was more than surprised to find out we bumped into him and brought him home with us.

"Grabe. Nawala lang ako ng isang gabi, umikot na ang mundo (I was absent for just one night and suddenly, everything has changed)" he said. "Who whould have thought you and Arlan would see my surgeon again?"

I knew he still felt something for Mark and my feelings for Chris were also unclear.

"Come on, it's okay. Just tell us," I told A.

"V, in the first place, I didn't know Mark was your guy. Swear! We were drinking and the next thing I know we were suddenly kissing," A said. "Chris stood up and said he was going ahead, but Mark grabbed him and pulled him towards us… and then …"

I was stunned. My mind was reeling. OMG. Chris???? And Mark???? And Arlan???? WTF. I was gripping the wine glass in my hand so hard it almost broke.

It did not ... but somewhere else, something else did.

Sinatra sings "New York, New York, it's a hell of a town.” But on the Upper East Side sometimes it just feels like hell. We all know you can’t always get what you want. But that doesn't mean it’s okay for anyone else to have it either.

Sorry K. Sorry V. It looks like our it boy A had a party for three... at your expense.

XOXO
-

Lie to Me

2011-04-05T10:20:00.001+08:00

If you have been reading my stories for some time, you would by now know that one of my passions is understanding human behavior, human nature, human life.

What does it mean, to be human? Why do we love, why do we cheat, why do we lie? Why do we do the things we do?

I have recently become very interested in the TV series Lie to Me. In the show, Dr. Cal Lightman (Tim Roth) and his colleagues in The Lightman Group accept assignments and assist in investigations, searching for the truth through applied psychology: interpreting microexpressions, through the Facial Action Coding System, and body language.

The show based most of its science on the research of Paul Ekman who studied facial expressions and body movements and their relations to human emotions. Ekman showed that facial expressions are not culturally determined but universal, and thus biological in origin.

Some of the universal expressions he identified include anger, disgust, fear, joy, sadness, and surprise.

If you want to test your ability to spot lies, the BBC website offers an online exam designed to test your skill in spotting between a fake smile and a real one. The test is based on the research of Ekman.

Click here to take the test.

Sometimes, though, I wonder if lies and deception are necessary. Do we really need the truth all the time? Perhaps there are cases when a lie is kinder than the truth.
-

My Baby Love

2011-04-01T16:07:00.001+08:00

Shobe,

It's a new month. I feel incredibly happy, like something is about to come though I don't know what. I miss writing to you. I am listening to Robyn's Hang With Me right now, and the music is making me feel light and free. Like a kite drifting in the summer sky.

How are you, my dearest sister? How is spring treating you across the ocean? I miss you. I wish we can be together more often.

I have grown used to being far from you, and I've built a nice comfortable world here in Manila. But sometimes late at night, I find myself wondering what would it be like if we were together? Would we still be roommates? =) Paano na ang mga lalaki natin? (What about all our men?) Hahaha =)

You know, I am really proud of you. I don't think I say it often, but I am. I always tell my friends about you. One of my favorite anecdotes was the first time I saw you last Christmas and I said

"OMG! Is that a limited edition Marc Jacobs bag?"

Grabe, parang kailan lang lahat ng ito pangarap lang. (It just seemed like not so long ago, all this was just a dream.) I mean, look at you, your life is so… stable while mine is still so uncertain after all these years.

You have a job you love, a fiancé, a mortgage! All the things that define stability, while I'm still the crazy boy running all over Manila. I always knew you'd get married first. You always had this sense of determination to get what you want, a quiet strength that I have seen through the years.

I can't wait to see you and to spend your last few days of being single together. I will throw you the most kick ass bridal shower party!

I'm glad you had fun during your trip to Mexico. Someday, let's go there and we will try this drug from the peyote cactus found in Mexico. It is known as the bruja's brew among the Yaqui Indians. I heard it can be a life changing experience.

I am very excited to visit India for the first time. I will be spending most of my time in the Rajasthan region and see the blue and pink cities. I am also considering going on a camel safari in the Goa desert.

We shall see. As always, there is never enough time to do all that we want.

Do write. I miss you terribly.

Love,
Ahia

Meet the Cast

2011-03-28T18:43:00.003+08:00

-
Who are these people you write about in your stories Kane? someone asked me once, pointing out that several characters regularly appear in my stories. They are my friends, I replied.

The best friends one can possibly have. These are the people who I allow into the most intimate corner of my life, who I allow myself to love unconditionally. I decided it would be helpful to give people an idea of who they are and the roles we play in each others' lives.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I present to you the boys and a girl of the the Upper East Side.

Arlan is the quintessential it-boy whose smile can melt every lady's or in this case, every gay gentleman's heart.

Vackie is the boy who had the one thing we all wanted: a long-term relationship. But when everything crumbles, you are forced to rebuild and in rebuilding redefine yourself. From relationship boy to party boy, only time will tell how far the changes will go.

Fran, la querida, prefers foreigners with exquisite tastes in food and sex. Currently dating a 6'2" tall British guy with blue eyes and blond hair and brown pubes.

Edward, almost always the quiet one, prefers older gentlemen. But he's had a few encounters that taught him that older does not necessarily mean nicer.

Carlo. Single far longer than we all have been, this rebel isn't searching for love. But that doesn't mean he can't have fun and play the game.

BFFs who are sometimes enemies and often rivals for the attentions of men, these boys and a girl live colorful exciting lives full of intrigue and drama. Love them, hate them, one thing is for certain: it never gets boring around them.

XOXO

Gossip Girl: Good Will Hunting

2011-03-24T10:40:00.001+08:00

Rise and shine, Upper East Siders. Are you ready for the latest piece of gossip? I hear Kane has his eye for a pretty dark haired it-boy. But it looks like this boy is giving him the ditch.

I didn't like Will immediately. There were no electric sparks, no swooning under the stars, no tingling of the skin. Will and I had bumped into each other on several occasions and yes, he is good looking but he belongs to another group of it-boys and in our world, we tend to be polite and feign disinterest in each other.

As is often the case, we share common friends, common ex-dates, and the likes. But when I got to know him more, I realized he was charming, intelligent, witty: one of those rare guys you can actually date.

"I just saw Black Swan. It's quite intense," I told him once.

"It is. It's a really great film," he replied

"So are you more of the white or black swan," I asked him playfully.

"Hahaha. Hmmmmmm... I'd have to say both. But I'd like to focus more on the white," he said, laughing.

"Well… so far, all I've seen is the black swan, the seducer of men," I teased him.

Over time, I learned he studied at the De La Salle University, has a degree from the Asian Institute of Management, and works for his family's business. But I noticed that he was getting to be more and more distant.

"Honey, nakakainis. (I hate it). He would sometimes reply to my text five hours later! Five!!! Argh!!!," I said to Vackie.

"Ay hindi happy. (That's not good.) Dapat you should be telling me you were fucking five hours later," V said laughing.

"I know! I mean, WTF! Nakakainis! (It sucks!)"

"Isn't it ironic that of all the men in your life, the one you actually like is the one who may not like you back?"

"I know. Hay. Ang guapo kasi niya. (He's sooo good looking.) And he fits the profile of guys we like; someone well-bred, well-mannered, well-educated, well-read. Sigh. Quel dommage."

One day, I decided to ask Will about what was bothering me.

"Hey Will, I noticed you haven't been responsive to my texts. Is everything okay? Uhmm, do you have a boyfriend?"

"Hey Kane, I am still single. I'm sorry I'm just very busy right now. I am applying for a new job kasi plus I have school. Good night :)"

I thought carefully of what to say to him next.

"It's alright, Will. I guess things are hectic for you these days. I was hoping to get to know you better. Perhaps… another day. =) Good luck on the job hunt. I hope you do well."

"You okay, honey? So I guess this is it huh," V said after I told him what happened.

I turned my head and looked at him.

"Of course not," I replied. "I'm surprised the thought even crossed your mind. Don't you know by now that I always have a plan B?"

"OOohhh. Do I smell a scheme?" V said, the beginnings of a smile playing on his lips. "Do I get to play a part?"

"Not this time. This one requires the skills of Arlan."

The next day…

"Honey, I need your help with a scheme," I told A.

"Ohhh. What kind? Is this for a takedown?"

"Relax. This one is much simpler. All I need you to do is to get Will very drunk the next time we see him at the club."

"Ah Hahahaha. Gusto ko yan. (I like that.)"

"You know the drill. One drunk girl equals one easy girl."

A wise man once said, "It's better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles." But some warriors just can't give up the fight. And so they push the boundaries and break the rules just to win the war.

Be careful K. Everyone knows even the best laid plans can fall apart in the Upper East Side. And when it does, things can get ... dirty.

XOXO

Open Spaces: Drag Me to the Queen

2011-03-21T09:18:00.001+08:00

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it is time for another guest writer.

I was checking out my friend Doni's new blog when I noticed the description he used for himself.

The rants and raves of a drag queen from Manila

I was shocked. I knew D had a penchant for dressing up in women's clothes, for putting on layers and layers of make-up, for performing and uploading his videos in the Internet, but I never thought he considered himself as a drag queen.

I have always thought it was a katuwaan, something for fun, but not as an identity label. I have friends who are transexuals and cross dressers; who dress up, behave and act like women but D was different. He dresses as a man on most days, working at an office in Singapore.

I realized maybe there are many kinds of drag queens and I was curious. What does it mean to be a drag queen? How does it feel like? Does it feel like being a woman? Why does he like it? I encouraged D to write about it and here is his tale.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Drag queens are fascinating, with their larger than life personas and their ability to cross gender boundaries. They are beautiful mesmerizing creatures who remind us that the world can be something other than what it is; happier perhaps.
-

Only in the Philippines

2011-03-16T18:06:00.001+08:00

-
"Who are you voting for this coming election?" I asked Felix in my very broken Spanish. Felix doesn't speak any English and I was trying to communicate with him using what little of his language I know.

"I'm voting for Fujimori for president," Felix replied. "The current leader only thinks of the businessmen, and not the poor people like us. Life is getting harder."

Felix owns the quaint guesthouse we stayed at in the village of Llachon at the Capachica peninsula in southwestern Peru. His house, built by him and his sons, stands at the edge of a cliff overlooking Lake Titicaca.

A handful of tiny communities are nestled between the rocky mountains bordering the lake. These villages are rarely visited by tourists and the only accommodation available is home stay.

Felix's choice left me baffled. Apparently, these kinds of things do not only happen in the Philippines.

Only in the Philippines is a common expression we hear people use to describe the state of affairs in my country; how awful the traffic is, how bad the roads are, how crazy the politics is.

When former president Joseph Estrada, who was ousted in a popular revolution in 2001 and later on jailed for corruption, came close to winning last year's elections after placing second, I shook my head, bewildered and said "Only in the Philippines".

Apparently not.

Keiko Fujimori, one of the top three contenders for the April elections in Peru, is the daughter of former president Alberto Fujimori who fled to Japan in 2000 after his chief military aide was caught on camera bribing officials.

He was arrested during a visit to Chile in 2005 and was extradited to his homeland where he was jailed for human rights violation during his 10-year rule from 1990 to 2000. Keiko has said she may pardon her father if she gets elected.

I used to think modern societies learn from the past, but it seems history teaches us otherwise. The choice of a leader shows the level of political maturity of a nation's population and what is becoming apparent to me is that education plays a crucial role in this.

That, I think, is the curse of poor countries like the Philippines and Peru where education suffers.

But things are changing, no matter how slow. Philippine President Benigno "Noynoy" Aquino is prioritizing education. He is building 17,000 classrooms and hiring 15,000 teachers this year to improve education and increase jobs in a nation where the World Bank estimates one out of every four people live on less than $1.25 a day.

And across the ocean, 18.7 million Peruvians will go to the polls next month and elect a new president. Each one of them hoping that their next leader will be able to lead their nation out of poverty. People like Felix who at 52, goes out fishing every night and returns at dawn to help provide for his 14 grandchildren. Some of them don't go to school.

And so, I hope ... with them. Buena suerte, mi amigo. I hope you make the right choice.

Gossip Girl: Summer, Kind of Wonderful

2011-03-11T11:42:00.008+08:00

Hey Upper East Siders! With the warm breeze in the air, it looks like winter is officially over and things are heating up.

Some would say summer is their busiest season. Will you be partying in Ibiza or tanning in Saint-Tropez? Nothing beats a summer abroad and word is Kane is planning a getaway.

Spotted: K heading East. To the fabled land of India in search of the love monument Taj Mahal. Too bad for Lonely Boy, he's going to be ... all alone.

"So… you're really going alone to India next month huh?" V said.

"Yes honey. Eat Pray Love part two," I replied.

"Well, don't forget. It's Eat Pray Love, not Eat Love!"

"Hahaha. Gaga ka talaga. But isn't it fun that I'll be learning about Hinduism and the Kama Sutra all at the same time. Talk about enriching your body and your soul."

"OMG honey. Holy and sinful at the same time. I love it," V said. "But … all those contortions. Can your body still take it? You're not exactly a young feathered thing anymore."

"Hahaha. I know!!! I'll have to manage."

"Oh boy. Mahuhulasan ang mga lalaki mo pag-uwi mo. (Your men in Manila will definitely be in for a surprise when you get back.) You're not the same girl … same girl ..." V said, singing the lines.

"Hahaha. Gaga ka. (Fucker.) But I'm actually excited to have an entire summer with nothing to do but figure things out."

"What for?" V said. "All the drama, that's who you are. Just like I'm someone who's not going to stop searching for love just because I lost it. Which is why I'm going directly into the belly of the beast."

"Where?"

"Galera."

"OMG honeyyyyyyyyyyyy. Mag ga Galera ka? (You're going to Galera?) Without me??????????????"

"Well, I'm a big girl and I'll be fine. Who knows? Maybe Prince Charming will be there among the beasts."

"Who knows?" I said and smiled wistfully.

"Although I doubt it. Everyone's looking for a spark but that won't even do for me. Gusto ko talagang masasabi kong (I want to be able to say) 'Baby… you're a firework'."

We were both laughing and then we were quiet for awhile.

"Well, I hope we both find what we're looking for," I told V, smiling softly at him.

Buddha once said "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to the truth; not going all the way, and not starting."

So we set out for far away places and try to find ourselves. Or... try to lose ourselves. Exploring pleasures we've never tried before.

The problems start when we refuse to allow change to happen and cling to old habits. Because if we hold on to the past too tight, the future may never come.

XOXO

The Million Dollar Question (II)

2011-03-07T12:23:00.002+08:00

To top or to bottom, that is the question.

"Are you top or bottom?" is a common question gay men ask their partners before or during sex. The label refers to gay men's sexual role preference when it comes to the act of anal intercourse and it is the single most important label you will carry for the rest of your life.

Oh stop cringing people. Sex is amoral, objective, and whether we're talking about a penis inside a vagina or inside an anus, it's human behavior all the same.

I find it very interesting how people label themselves and what these labels concerning sexual roles mean in forming one's identity.

People who derive more pleasure (or perhaps suffer less anxiety or discomfort) from acting as the insertive partner are referred to colloquially as “tops,” whereas those who have a clear preference for serving as the receptive partner are commonly known as “bottoms.”

In a 2003 issue of The Journal of Sex Research, a team of scientists led by Trevor Hart at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta who studied a group of 205 gay male participants found that:

(1) Self-labels are meaningfully correlated with actual sexual behaviors. That is to say, based on self-reports of their recent sexual histories, those who identify as tops are indeed more likely to act as the insertive partner, bottoms are more likely be the receptive partner, and versatiles occupy an intermediate status in sex behavior.

(2) Compared to bottoms, tops are more frequently engaged in (or at least they acknowledge being attracted to) other insertive sexual behaviors. For example, tops also tend to be the more frequent insertive partner during oral intercourse. In fact, this finding of the generalizability of top/bottom self-labels to other types of sexual practices was also uncovered in a correlational study by David Moskowitz, Gerulf Reiger and Michael Roloff. In a 2008 issue of Sexual and Relationship Therapy, these scientists reported that tops were more likely to be the insertive partner in everything from sex-toy play to verbal abuse to urination play.

(3) Tops were more likely than both bottoms and versatiles to reject a gay self-identity and to have had sex with a woman in the past three months. They also manifested higher internalized homophobia — essentially the degree of self-loathing linked to their homosexual desires.

There are men who have sex with men but define themselves as heterosexual. They may reject being the receptive partner in sex as they perceive that role to be gay.

(4) Versatiles seem to enjoy better psychological health. Hart and his coauthors speculate that this may be due to their greater sexual sensation seeking, lower erotophobia (fear of sex), and greater comfort with a variety of roles and activities.

In a separate study by Nick Yee, a research scientist at the Palo Alto Research Center, he found that bottoms prefer older, taller, heavier, hairy men while tops preferred younger, shorter, lighter, smooth men.

Age, height, weight and hairiness are indicators of masculinity and his research suggests that tops seek out sexual partners with less masculine features, while bottoms seek out sexual partners with more masculine features.

Bottoms were also more likely to prefer rough sex, suggesting men who prefer receptive anal intercourse like to be overpowered.

Being top, bottom or versatile can have drastic implications on behavior in sex and even in relationships.

For example, in an article by Moskowitz, Reiger and Roloff, the authors note that prospective gay male couples might want to weigh this issue of sex role preferences seriously before committing to a long term relationship.

From a sexual point of view, there are obvious logistical problems of two tops or two bottoms being in a monogamous relationship. But since these sexual role preferences tend to reflect other behavioral traits (such as tops being more aggressive and assertive than bottoms), “such relationships also might be more likely to encounter conflict quicker than relationships between complementary self-labels.”

Being gay can be tricky. There are plenty of anecdotes of people hooking up and ending up getting frustrated. Some of my friends prefer to be frank and ask the million dollar question right away.

And as for me, a very wise friend of mine once said, "To be successful in the gay world, you must be like Burger King.

Have it your way, sir."

I listened to him and tried it. You know what, he was right.

-

A Delicate Li(n)e

2011-02-28T15:53:00.001+08:00

"Kamusta? (How are you?)" James texted me about a month ago.

"Okay naman. Ikaw? (I'm good. You?)" I replied.

"Maayos naman bro. Pre-departure orientation ko na tomorrow. (I'm fine bro. It's my pre-departure orientation tomorrow.)"

"Ahh. Saan ka pupunta? (Where are you going?)"

"Saudi. Work ako doon para makatulong sa parents ko. (I'm working there to help my parents.)"

"Oh wow. You finally got an overseas job! Are you happy?" I asked him.

"Happy… and nervous."

"Hahaha. Change can be good =)."

"Mag meet tayo? Ma mi miss kita. (Can we meet? I'll miss you.)

James has been my fuck buddy for more than a year now. He's young. Okay, fine. He's really, really young. He's 21 years old and I'm a dinosaur compared to him.

I met him when he was still a student. He is cute but I wasn't really attracted to him. But because he is young, he can be very makulit (persistent) and sometimes he catches me at a time when I'm horny and just too lazy to look for sex, and I say to myself "WTF. A mouth is still a mouth".

He would often send me message after message asking to meet and hangout. Of course we all know what that means.

But curiously over time, we started to develop some sort of friendship. He started confiding in me and he would talk to me about what worries him; how difficult it is to find a job as a nurse nowadays in the country, how he finds it frustrating how he can barely help his family financially.

"Humina negosyo ng parents ko bro (My parents' business is failing)," James told me once.

"Oh. Money problems are always stressful, I know."

"I even borrowed money from my friends. I don't know why kulang pa rin (it's still not enough). Gusto ko uminom ng alak para ma release ko stress ko (I just want to drink so I can release the stress I'm feeling right now.)"

"I just showed my mother how brave I am. Pero (But) deep inside it hurts," James continued.

"Why does it hurt?"

"Because I should find ways to help my mom. But my salary is not enough."

"I hope luck will turn. You know, we all go through these things at some point in our lives. I guess we just have to be brave."

"I hope so."

Much later he texted again.

"Bro?"

"Yep?"

"Salamat ha. (Thank you.) You're really a good guy. You're different from anybody else I've met."

Rudeboy once told me this.

"You're at an interesting age. Young enough to still be beautiful, old enough to be wise. Savor it. When the time comes, the loss of youthful beauty may be replaced by something else. Grace, perhaps."

As I grow older, I think he is more and more right.

Young enough to fuck with, old enough to be wise. That's where I am right now. It's such a delicate line. Too little or too much of one or the other and it becomes a delicate lie.

I suddenly remember the older men I dated when I was younger. Did they look at me then the way I look at these boys now? Perhaps life does indeed come full circle. Once, you were a boy. Then, you become a man. And then ... an old man.

James leaves today. I found myself strangely saddened by his departure. I wish him well in his journey. Life goes on. Besides, with James gone the harem now lacks a member. Guess I'll have to find a replacement to cheer me up.

-