Gossip Girl: Cock-a-Doodle-Doo

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Warning: This story contains (very light) sexual references. Please do not proceed if it may offend you.

Previously on Gossip Girl:
The Inglourious Basterds

"But evolving is a tricky thing. You can't change without changing the world around you.

And not everyone might see your transformation the same way you do. But if you can make it through and truly be reborn, then maybe so can I. 

So beginning today, the past is just a prologue. It all starts from here."






Guess who's back, Upper Eastsiders? I know its been awhile but I'm here now ready to serve you the latest on what's up, and who's going down. Let's start, shall we?

Word is our favorite-it boy A has had more than one rude awakening this week. Could it be ... that someone dared to dump our Queen Bee?



One beautiful bright morning, I sent a text to my friends.

"So .. last night, I made love to a seven-inch cock," I said. "And it ... it loved me back. Happy Monday boys and girls!"

"It must have been some cock, eh? So do you think it's clever and wise?" Arlan replied.

"Honey, it was just a one-night affair! Or ... perhaps two. But it was quite something, I must say."

"Well, I fell in love with one cock until he got too cocky. He's been laying it a bit thick so I told him, 'You cockroach! You forget yourself!'" A said.

Wow, he's really angry, I thought to myself laughing. "What the fuck! You called him a cockroach?? Hahaha."

"Now I regret it. Anyway, as Vackie told me I'm only twenty-one and I'm allowed to make mistakes," he said. "(Groans) I just miss him."

"You really like this guy?" I asked him, turning serious. "I mean, seriously?"

"Honey ... Huwag kang magulat ha (Please don't be surprised)."

Pause

"I am in love with him."

This just in. It looks like the Ice Queen has finally met her match. And she's all lit up. But careful A. You know what they say, one day you're the muse, the next you're old news.

Ten days ago, I witnessed A and Cockroach Boy smile at each other coyly, hold hands, until the night ended with a big bang inside a rolling, rocking vehicle parked outside a restaurant as the sun crept up. Needless to say, I thought it was spectacular!

Bravo, I whispered to myself as I slowly munched on a breakfast of fried rice, scrambled eggs, longganisa, and adobo, waiting for the car to explode. This ... this is how you do it.

"And so ... how is Friday boy?" I asked Arlan the next day.

"Please please please please! Let us not call boys Friday guy or moment ago boy. It is so nasty," he said, as we both laughed. "But seriously, wish me luck honey. I like him."

"Oh come on," I replied grinning. "You and I both know how this story will end."

"You're so judgmental, bitch," A quickly replied. "Between the two of us, you are the real Ice Queen."

"Hahaha. What can I do? When your history is filled with decapitated corpses with their hearts torn out."

"Seriously ... sumeryoso ka gaga ka talaga! (Be serious and stop it!)," A said. "Haaaay ... it tends to get lonely up here. I need a permanent consort!"



But days later, Cockroach Boy suddenly stopped responding to A's messages. Guess who didn't like that very much?

"Honey, does he really like the guy?" I asked Vackie.

"Well .. maybe. But I think, naiinis siya kasi naisahan siya (he's upset because someone pulled one over him)!" V said as we both laughed.

"Who would have thought?" I said. "The player gets played."



A few days later ...

"You feel better?" I asked Arlan, checking up on him.

"I miss him up to now so I guess I haven't recovered; I'm still ill. This disease called love. Haaaay. So you .. you'd better not fall in love!"

Note to self: don't fall in love.

"Anyway," he continues, "I've been working out. Later, I'll trim my hair. The best way is not to win him back when he sees me; just get a new cock. A better one."

I could feel his voice hardening. Uh,oh. Looks like the Ice Queen is back.

"Let's go out this Saturday, Republiq / Cabana. Reserve the day," he said in a commanding voice. "Guys will fall and we'll just fuck them all."



They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Nowhere is this truer than in the Upper East. Buckle up ladies, looks like we're in for a rough ride.

I may have been gone a long time, but it seems some things are forever. A broken heart. The threat of war. And the fall of the mighty.

And just because I've seen it all, doesn't mean I've seen everything. And I must admit, even I didn't see this one coming. You may think my best days are behind me, but this old girl still has some new tricks.

It feels good to be back. And try as you might to fight it, you know you missed me.






XOXO

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The Goodbye Kiss

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Previously:
Gossip Girl: The Inglourious Basterds

"Short hair is more commercial, more sell-able. And I ... I wanted to be sold. As the locks of hair started to fall, I felt like all the heroines in all the books and films I've seen. I'm Romeo's Juliet, I'm Dante's Beatrice. I'm Serena and Blair, I'm the Devil Wearing Prada."

"From now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy."



Gino had to leave earlier so Lloyd and I were left alone the next day. It was the second time we hung out together, so the atmosphere was less tensed, more comfortable. Lloyd was polite. soft spoken, and surprisingly sweet. He had come from the province to work in Manila and he was supporting himself, as well as some of his siblings.

He had just begun work as a real estate agent and he was worried about his prospects. He was telling me about the nature of the job, the potential gains as well as the difficulties.

"If it's unstable, why not look for another job?" I asked. "I mean, you could earn a lot in the BPO industry."

"Yeah. In my previous call center job, I could earn 25,000 pesos a month or more, but that's not enough Kane."

"Ha? That's a lot of money already," I protested. "You mean, it's not enough?"

"Not if you have to support not just yourself but others as well. My brothers and sisters are still in high school. There's still college."

"Ah."



The more we talk, the more I found Lloyd endearing. He's hard working, charming, kind, not to mention cute and extremely talented in bed. He snuggled up beside me and we lay together for a few minutes, neither one of us talking.

This, just like this, I thought to myself. I missed being intimate with someone. It has been awhile and though I tend to drown myself with work, parties and sex, the need for human intimacy has always been there. The quiet moments you spend with your lover, a simple kiss, a hand held.



"Hey, I gotta go soon Kane," Lloyd said. "But I really had fun," he said and grinned. "Salamat ha. (Thank you.)"

I  nodded. "Sure. I mean, I really enjoyed your company," I answered. "Come, hatid na kita. I'll bring you down."

The evening was quiet. The street, which was often raucous and noisy during weekdays, was still on Sundays. Lloyd hugged me tightly just as he was about to leave. "Mmmm," he whispered and nestled his head on my shoulder.

"I'll see you soon, " I said, and gave a soft smile. I kissed him on the lips even though there were passerbys in the street and embraced him. I didn't want to let go, I wanted the moment to last forever. I squeezed him tighter, and tighter ... aching in the thought that I will never see him again.

Yes, that's right. I won't be seeing Lloyd again. But why, perhaps some of you will wonder. The answer is simple. His time is up.

But he doesn't know that yet. That knowledge will come later. Much, much later. When he stops being invited to hang out with us, when he no longer gets asked to attend parties with us, or even simply for sex. When his messages are answered late, or perhaps won't be answered at all. Slowly, he will understand. But not yet. We still have now; this moment so sweet and exquisite its memory will burn into my mind and last for all eternity.
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Gossip Girl: Reversals of Fortune

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It's said that we're all strapped to Fortune's wheel. Nowhere is this truer than in the ever-changing landscape of love. As one couple enjoys an upswing ...

"K!!! Oh my God! I missed you!!!" E said, giving me a tight hug when we saw each other. He had been busy settling in his new apartment, a new job and it has been awhile since we had gone out.

"So ... kamusta ka? (How are you?") I asked. I had missed my friend terribly and I had been wondering at his silence the past weeks. 

"Okay naman. Eto ... Naiinis ako. It's been two months na since nagstart ako mag work (since I started working.) Hindi ko pa rin masakto. (I still can't get my life back on track.) I had an accident, a burn recently kaya nag absent ako sa work (I was forced to be absent from work)." 

"Oh my God. Are you okay?" 

"Yeah. Pero minsan, parang nakakawalang gana. (But sometimes, it just feels shitty.) Parang I'm trying to start over pero ang daming malas pa rin," he said. 

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said squeezing his hand. "Arcee helping you?" 

"He is. As in. He's been amazing," E replied, nodding. "I don't know how I could do this without him. Grabe K, ang suwerte ko sa kanya. (I feel so lucky I have him.)" 

E and his lover Arcee have been together for a couple of years now. I've seen their love deepen and blossom and they've weathered the storms that hungrily come to seek havoc on relationships. But, they persevered. I suddenly envied them. 

"You are," I said, giving him a hug. "Masuwerte kayong dalawa sa bawat isa. (You both are lucky to have each other.)" 

"Hay ... tama ng drama. (Let's cut the drama.) Enough about me," E said laughing while disentangling himself. "So...  how are you and this guy of yours?" 

"Ahhh ... well ... uhmm ... " I said. 












... another is plunged downwards ...

"Well ... we've been fighting a lot," I confessed. "And I think it may be over before it really began."

I was having a quiet lunch alone, engrossed reading the book Fasting, Feasting by Anita Desai when Jeremy dropped the bomb.

"I need time to think about stuff in light of what has happened," he texted. "I'll keep in touch okay? You have a great week."

"Oh ... okay." I was shocked. "Sobrang na stress ako sa sinabi mo.(I'm so stressed by what you said.) I mean, we are going to fix things right? Or are you considering ending it?" I asked.

"Apparently, stress is all I give to you," he replied. "Anyways, you should take the time to think about stuff yourself," he replied with a smile at the end of the message. Like this. :)

"I hope you answer my question Jeremy. Because whatever our problems are, I don't think of ending things as an option. Now, if you are considering it, at least warn me."

"I cannot answer that question right now," he replied. "But you seem to be okay naman so that is a good sign."

I'm not okay. I wanted to say that it was unfair, that he was unfair. I wanted to shout and scream at him ... but I did not. I'm supposed to be a mature man who can handle his emotions well; isn't that what being an adult means? He needs his space, what can I do but respect his wish? My throat constricted and I suddenly teared up. Get a grip on yourself, I said.

""I'm not okay," I said to Jeremy. "I was hoping we can fix our issues. But ... I respect your wish. I'll wait, I'll be here." 



I have had four lovers and each of them left me at some point in time. Lahat sila iniwanan ako. I know ... I know ... it sounds dramatic and tragic, the kind of stuff characters in Philippine telenovelas would say, but it's true. I've always been the kind of guy who fights for love. Sometimes I wonder how careless people can be. They say "I love you" but what does that really mean? Tell me. What does that mean? 

Because of my past, my greatest fear in a relationship is being abandoned, that my supposed to be life partner will give up, just like all the others before. Hearing this from Jeremy brought back all the fears I have, that once again, he may be giving up. Perhaps as Graham Greene once wrote, our love had turned into a love affair ... with a beginning and an end. Or maybe it was an affair all along and I was just too blind to see it.

Intense. That is how best to describe Jeremy and I. 

"Sobrang hirap E," I said. "We're so intense and therefore when we're happy; we're intensely happy. But when we fight, it also becomes quite intense."


It has been almost two months now since we met and I suppose the glitter and fascination are wearing off. Jeremy and I have entered the phase where you suddenly start seeing the things you dislike about the other person. We argue and bicker constantly about traits, values; the things that matter when you look for a lifelong partner.

"I've been yearning for a relationship for so long I forgot the unpleasant side of it. Hindi ba puedeng happy lagi?" I said trying to make light of the issues. 

"It's work Kane, you know that. A lot of work," E said trying to console me. 

"I know but sometimes it feels like there are so many things going against us. He can be so difficult," I said. "Not to mention I'm still struggling with the fact that he is married and has kids. It can be too much to take sometimes. I don't want to be a mistress forever. And what he did ... it hurt me. He hurt me. That he can give up so easily? We're just scratching the surface of what real problems really are."

"And I know ... I know. He probably feels hurt too. That I hurt him," I said.

"You know, I know it's not easy," E said. "But what you have is passion Kane. Very few couples have that. Most of us settle for safe, which is what you want. What I have. And that's a good thing."

"But if I have a chance at something as intense as what you feel, I'd hold on to it for as long as I can," E slowly said. "And I mean, Ikaw yan eh. That mind-blowing, blood-curling, orgasmic shit I'm-on-top-of-the-world kind of love."


"And if, at the end, it still doesn't work out?" I asked.


"Then it will make for one beautiful memory."

 
"Well ... it seems it's already not working out," I said, sighing. "Hay E. Ang hirap. I miss him."

"Alam ko Kane. Alam ko."

"Do you think you'll make it?" he asked.

"Honestly, I don't know. The odds are not in our favor," I answered. I was quiet for awhile, remembering Jeremy. "But I'd like to hope we will. I mean, isn't that what the great love stories are all about? Beating all the odds?" 







They say love makes the world go round and round. But sometimes it only feels like you're a fool on a merry-go-round. But top ... or bottom, don't get too comfortable kids. Because the only thing you can rely on is that the wheel will keep on turning.












XOXO

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Road to Perdition

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Previously:
Gossip Girl: The Games We Play (III)
Beauty and the Feast



One fine morning in the Upper East Side, Vackie woke up to the sound of his best friend having an orgasm.



"My God! Winalang hiya ninyo ako! Di ninyo man lang ako ginalang. Natutulog akong walang kamalay malay, eh yun pala may sine sex na kayo ni Gino sa tabi ko! (How could you and Gino have sex with a guy beside me while I was sleeping? You have shamed me!)" V exclaimed.

"Hahaha. I'm sorry honey," I said. "You know how it is. Sometimes you just get carried away."

"Hahaha. Teka (Hold on), did you cum on the guy's face?"

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?? Hahaha. I refuse to answer on the ground that the answer may incriminate me."

"You dirty girl. I saw you! I love. Porn star ka na. Hahaha. I'm going to tell Arlan!" V squealed.

"Nooooooooooooooooo," I said, and we both laughed hysterically.



"Hmmmm. Parang meron kang hindi kinukwento. (You're not telling me something)," was the first thing Arlan said when we met.

"Ha? What?"

"I heard … ibang level na raw ang pagka pokpok mo! (you've become the new girl of the town!)" A said with an I-know-what-you-did look on his face.

"Ha? (What?) Who told you that?" I asked.

"Oh honey, stop pretending. It's all over Gossip Girl. So … is it true? That the lady is now a tramp?"

"Tsk tsk … Ano ka ba. (What's with you?) You should never listen to gossip," I said. "Besides, between the two of us, I'm not the original group fun girl here. Bina bawasan ko lang naman ang lamang mo. (I'm just trying to catch up)."

"My God, ibang level ka naaaaaaaaaaaa," A said laughing. "Where's the girl I used to know?

 
 
Indeed, where is she, I asked myself. I used to think I was built differently, that I'm the kind of guy who prefers quiet dinners over sexual trysts. But lately, the dinners have become far and few in between while the sex ... well, don't let me get started.
 
Am I having a midlife crisis at a young, tender age of ... (gasp) ... 31? Why am I rebelling against the things I used to believe in? Maybe I just got too tired of trying to be the good guy, the nice guy when it seems the world wants to fuck you. So you fuck back.

Perhaps the pressure to find love in the modern world was too much, so I caved in and decided to just have lots of sex with really, really, really uber hot guys. Come to think of it, the trade off doesn't sound so bad.
 
I thought I have gone too far, but I realized you can actually go further.
 
 
 
Gino and I met Jason near his place. It was just going to be a casual meeting. After a few minutes, he invited us to go up to his place to hang out. Oooohhh, hang out. I knew what that meant.
 
He shared a small apartment with a friend. He introduced us and we made small talk about his work in a cruise ship, about the Halloween parties they went to, about Bigfish and drugs and boys and sex. I stood up and walked around the room because his shoes caught my fancy when suddenly in my peripheral hearing I heard one of them say

"So ano, apat tayo, game? (So the four of us?)"

What the hell. I was stunned. There I was, caught in between two guys negotiating sex where I was supposed to be part of. I suddenly realized I wasn't prepared for a foursome. I told Gino I had to meet a friend, so we told the guys we'll set another date.

"What the fuck? What happened?" Gino asked me inside the car. "Andoon na tayo ah at game na sila. Anong nangyari sa iyo? (Everything was set. What happened?)"



"Honey, I was so not ready," I told Vackie after I narrated what happened. "The first thing that came to my mind was: Paano ang blocking? Ang choreography? Kanino nakatutok ang camera? (What's the blocking? The choreography? Who gets the maximum camera exposure?)"

"Hahahahaa. Yan kasi. Bata pa lang child star ka na. Laking Hollywood ka kasi," V said. "Nasanay na may script, may direction. Di mo ako tularan. Laking Broadway. Magaling sa improvisation. Noong sabi ng mga ka sex ko na may gusto pang pumunta, sabi ko go lang. Walang issue."

("Hahahahaa. That's the thing. You were just a kid when you became a star. You got used to Hollywood," V said. "You got used to a script, direction. You should emulate me. I grew up in Broadway. I'm used to improvising. When the guys I was having sex with said another guy was coming, I said go ahead.")

"You're such a game girl. I love," I replied, laughing. "But God honey, these kids these days. I mean, they're like 23, 24 and I'm a fucking dinosaur compared to them. But they didn't even blink. They're just more aggressive, more experimental, more adventurous. Nakakaloka. (It's outrageous.)"

"I guess it's really a new generation," V agreed.

"You know, I've decided the next time I'm faced with a similar situation I'm going to go for it," I said. "I mean, Yes is the word right? Maybe it's time for me to take on more difficult and challenging roles. You think I'll make it?"

"Honey, you're a natural born star. I'm sure next year, you'll be the grand slam winner for best breakthrough actress in the adult film category!!!!"

"Gaga! Let us not get our hopes too high. I may not even like it."

"Or ... you may."
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Gossip Girl: Teenage Dream (I)

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Previously:
Where Time Stands Still
A Decade After (I)
A Decade After (II)




When the summer heat fades and the rains start to fall, we all know it's time for Kane's birthday. But overnight, our favorite blonde birdie has turned into a brooding chap. What's responsible for this metamorphosis? Or should I say, "who"?

From what we hear, it's Kane and Neil: Happily Never After. They say parting is such sweet sorrow, but wouldn't it be nice if just for once it didn't have to be?



"Hey K!!! You've been awfully quiet the whole week," Carlo texted me.

"I am quiet =)," I replied.

"Ahhh. How are you? Everything okay?"

"I'm okay C. As good as can be expected, I guess."



In the weeks that followed since Neil left, Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou won a vote of confidence from lawmakers, easing concern the European nation would default on its debt. Storms battered the Philippines, causing floods and damaging crops and houses. Adele secured a seventh week at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 with her song "Rolling in the Deep" while Gossip Girl star Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio were spotted hanging out more and more often.

 

And as for me, I resumed work apologizing for the days of absence. Fran and I took a little trip to Iloilo to visit old churches, and I went back to hanging out and clubbing with my friends. Life was slowly returning back to normal.

 

Or so it seemed.

Little may have changed on the surface but I would be at the grocery buying milk, some cans of tuna, a bottle of vodka, perhaps some detergent and toothpaste and I'd see a couple laughing and teasing as they make their way into the aisles. And then a thought would come unbidden into my head. That could have been us. And I'd squash the idea quickly, vowing never to entertain such notions.

I immersed myself at work, and I'm doing better than ever. I had an excellent review, I'm being asked to write more and more regional and global stories, and I received news my company might send me to cover the ASEAN foreign ministers meeting in Bali next month. Perhaps it is true; when your personal life goes up in smoke, it's time for a promotion at work.

I fucked a boy; the moans, grunts and motions matched the script, but it felt like I was an actor acting out a role. And not a very good one at that. I remember that kiss and I knew I was using sex as a tool to blunt the edge of that memory.

Will I ever forget, I wondered? Or will I compare every other kiss with that one for the rest of my life?


 

It was raining horrendously one night and I was at home listening to Katy Perry sing "Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love".  Ahhhh, to feel like a teenager again. My birthday was approaching and the music was making me feel dreamy and nostalgic.I suddenly missed being young, beautiful and carefree. Now all I feel is old, scarred and weary.

There I was, deep in thought when suddenly I saw an email from Neil land in my mailbox. An email? From him? We had spoken briefly once and that was just to check that he got home safely.

 

And then I saw the subject.

Blog.



Those four-letter words stared at me and I stared back as my eyes slowly filled with fear.



Oh my fuckin' God! He read the story. How did that happen? Neil doesn't read my blog except the few times I told him to, when there were stories I wanted to share. I never meant for him to read about what I did and how I felt for him; it wasn't supposed to happen this way.

I stood up and paced the room back and forth, I was nervous and I didn't know what to do. Why did he write? What did the email say? I was deathly afraid of the answer.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally summoned enough courage to open his letter.

 

I read it. You finally wrote me down.

I remember and know everything we did that night. On my part, they were all deliberate actions although I know I wouldn't have done those without the help of alcohol, of course.

I tried to tell you that I love you once, and you shut me up before I can even get those words out... and now, I can't seem to say them at all.

Kane, I can never be so drunk that I do not know what I am doing. That being said, I knew everything that was going on in Boracay that night. I could've stood up walked to the shore with you and have a perfectly sane conversation ... but I didn't.

Because a lot went through my head after that night we kissed. A lot.

I almost wanted to whisk you off to Toronto. But I don't think you'd like that. I'd marry you but you'd probably resent that eventually.

I don't know what I want to achieve with this letter. I really don't.

But you wrote me down and I thought I'd write you down as well, although I won't have readers for this one, well, you're my target audience anyway. So.

You do know that I love you, right?

But you and I are like that card that Sandy has; the one where this guy is sitting on a tree stump. The tree is growing under the earth, the roots are spreading, but since there's this fat ass sitting on the stump, it can't grow outwardly. Guess who that fat ass is.

Love,
Neil

 



My mind was reeling in shock. Oh God ... Can this be real?






The problem with fairy tales is that they set a girl up for disappointment. In real life, the Prince goes off with the evil stepsister. The Princess kisses a frog and it remains, well ... a frog. Or the spell wears off and two lovers realize they're better off as friends.

But I'll confess. Every once in a while, a girl craves for a fairy tale ending. So go ahead K, blow out that candle. Looks like you just had a wish come true.





XOXO



To be continued ...
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A Decade After (II)

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Previously: A Decade After (I)

There are moments that mark us forever, and I knew this was one of them. Change was coming. I knew that I will return from that island a different man. After tomorrow, whatever happens, things will never be the same again, that I understood.

"And when is this historic flight, Amelia?" Rudeboy asked me.

"Tomorrow, at dawn," I replied. "Wish me luck?"

"The same to you, 
But I can't regret what I did for love, 
what I did for love."

"Ahhhh Rudeboy... What we did for love, indeed," I said. "Somehow, I think I know how you feel right now. Like you're watching something you've seen before."

"Au contraire mon ami. I'm actually uncharacteristically rooting for romance this time," he said wistfully.

"Ahhh… love will be the death of us, Rudie," I said, shaking my head.

"Fly with my fondest hopes Kane," he said.



That night, I hardly slept a wink. My mind was filled with troubled thoughts and strange emotions. The ghosts in my head were teasing me, taunting me.

"What will you tell him?"
"How will you tell him?"
"What if he says no?"

What I was planning to do was dangerous. I knew neither of us was really ready; that the timing wasn't perfect. Neil was still hurting from his divorce, I knew that. Sometimes when I look at him I ask myself: where is it, that thing inside of you, cutting you, where is it?

 
 
"How did you do it?" he asked me once.
 
"Do what?"

"Forgive Manuel."

I thought carefully what to say.

"Well, I did it because ayokong malugi (I didn't want to be on the losing end). Sometimes, we think that by holding on to the anger and the pain, we are hurting the other person," I answered slowly. "But in truth, we are only hurting ourselves."

"Manuel could be perfectly happy and here I am, still an angry and bitter man. I didn't want to be that kind of person," I continued. "So I let go. And the irony is, it is when we let go that we truly become free."

"Mabuti ka pa. (You are fortunate). I'm not yet okay Kane," he quietly said, looking at me.

"It's okay Neil," I said. "It's okay. You'll get there."

 
 
The flight was delayed so I arrived at the island almost noon. There I was, my backpack in one hand, my heart in another. This is it, I told myself.
 
I texted Neil, but he didn't respond. Ahhh, he could be swimming and left his phone in his room, I said to myself. I walked around to get some food. I tried calling him again after an hour, but there was still no response. I was getting worried.

Where is he? Why is he ignoring me? He knew I was coming to see him.

Finally, someone did pick up. Neil had left his phone in his house before going to the airport, the woman said. Was there any way I could contact him? I asked. No, there isn't, she said.

 
 

I suddenly realized the gargantuan almost impossible nature of the task facing me. I had to find Neil by literally walking all over the island in the hopes that I would bump into him. There was no other choice.

So I walked. And walked. And walked. I walked for hours, I walked nonstop. My feet were tired, my body sore, but I forged on.

And then dusk came. It was heartbreaking. I was exhausted, worried, and I still haven't seen him. Where is he? The sun begun its slow descent into the night sky; and as the heavens turned purple and orange, I felt it was as if the sunset was stealing the very last rays of my hope.

The island was plunged into darkness and I could no longer see afar. My chances of finding him became slimmer and slimmer. Where is Fate when you needed her?

I decided to rest for awhile before looking for him again that night. It was the only remaining chance I have of seeing him and talking to him. He was leaving tomorrow.

It was past midnight when I walked out to check the local clubs and bars. And then I saw him. My heart jumped.

I approached him but there was something wrong. And then I saw that Neil was completely wasted, drunk. He was incoherent. I wasn't even sure he recognized me. I begun to panic.

Fate can't be this cruel; to bring us so close together only to tear us apart. No, Neil cannot be drunk. I needed to tell him something, didn't I? I tried to revive him.

"Neil… are you okay? Huy," I pleaded.

He stared back at me with his glassy eyes, squinting once in a while. But he wouldn't respond. He was dead to my cries. After a while, his friends carried him off to bed.

I never saw him again.






There comes a time when warriors lose a battle. Defeat comes to us at some point in our lives. More and more, I have come to regard it as an old enemy, always there to snatch my happiness away.

Some might say what I did was foolish. Perhaps. Some will say maybe it wasn't the right time. Perhaps. Some will say it may never have been meant to be. Perhaps.

I stood at the shore as the island slowly came to life. Early birds were rushing to swim at the sea, hungry lovers walking the shore in search of a delicious breakfast. The sun had risen, a new day has begun. But inside, I felt like something died. Hope withers... again.



And then Fran texted.

"Hun, while this didn't turn out to be the pleasant surprise we hoped it would be, it still is a surprise... At how much you can feel for a boy after all these years, at how much courage you have walking the shores of Boracay in search of a hint of a promise, and how much strength you have to rise above the circumstance.

You might not have gotten your fairy tale ending. But honey, you are the fairy tale. Because it is not how the story ends that makes the tale. It is how it goes on and on and on...."

I broke down.

"Oh Fran, when did you get so wise?" I told her while sobbing.

"Hush hun. Sige lang. Just let it out. There will be another time," she said, comforting me.

The weight of my loss came crashing down on me. I cried for all the dreams that may never be. For all the times I fought for love and lost. Lagi na lang bang ganito? (Is it always this way?)

I was spent. Neil was gone, leaving me behind with all this love for him inside of me and no one to give it to. I don't know when I will see him again. Five years? Three years?

Crushed and defeated, there was only one thing left to do.

"It's time to go home, old timer," I said to myself. "Time to go home."
-

The Million Dollar Question (I)

-

It was December last year.

"Honey! I met a guy last night," I said to V while we were on our way to Malate. The memory of the previous night was still fresh in my mind and I was still kilig (feeling giddy).

"Of course you did," he said, with a knowing look and a mischievous smile.

"Hahaha. You know, he's really nice," I continued.

"Of course he is," V replied, again with that look and that smile on his face. "Men are always nice at the start, aren't they?"

Totoo nga naman (How true), I thought to myself. Always on their best behavior. You never know what lies underneath.

"I'm meeting him again tonight. Ipapakilala kita. (I'll introduce you.)"



I saw him first, I think. Another guy was flirting with him at the club but we would exchange glances every now and then. Chinito, baby boy. He was taller than I am and wore glasses that gave him an air of a good boy.

After a while, he approached me.

"Why do you know all the songs?" he asked. He must have noticed I knew the lines to all the songs that were playing. "Nakakatuwa ka naman (You're so cute)."

"I guess I just really enjoy music," I replied. "Hi, I'm Kane."

"Jeff," he said. "Me too." And he smiled.



Jeff was out partying for the first time in seven months and predictably, it was because he had just broken up with his boyfriend. The noise, the music, the crowd and the alcohol help cloud the pain … even for just a while. I know.



"You were drunk. Tsk tsk," Jeff told me the next day.

"Well … I was," I admitted. "But since you saw me at my worst behavior, things can only get better right?"

"Hahaha. Don't worry Kane. I kinda liked seeing you with your guard down. People are more honest when they're intoxicated, don't you think?" Jeff said. "Do you know what you told me last night?"

"What?"

"That you like me," he said, grinning.



Just before I left Manila, Jeff told me he had gotten back with his ex boyfriend. We stopped communicating.Weeks passed. One day, I received a text from him. He had broken up (again) with his ex.


We went out on a date last weekend. Our first official date.



Saturday noon came and I was still drunk in bed when he texted.

"Are we still meeting?" he asked.

Inwardly, I groaned. I really shouldn't drink that much anymore. But I missed my friends and nobody parties like we do. My head hurt and my face was bloated with all the alcohol from the previous night. But a date is a date.

"Yes. I'm just fixing up," I replied.

We agreed to have lunch and watch a film. And since everything was on sale, I couldn't resist checking out the stores. Every girl knows one of the tests a guy must pass for a successful relationship is: Can we shop together?

Jeff tirelessly accompanied me to all the stores. I tried on jeans, shirts, long sleeves, ties, scarves, underwear (no trying, just looking), shoes. He carried my bags and gave helpful comments.

"Bagay sa iyo (It looks good on you)," he would say and smile.

Or he would frown and shake his head.

"Uhmmm. It's okay lang. Nothing great."



Three hours and six shopping bags later, we were exhausted and decided to eat. We were doing the getting-to-know-you when Jeff suddenly very casually asked the million dollar question.

"Soo … are you top or bottom?"

I almost choked on the Hainanese chicken I was eating. It was the moment of truth.

The Story of a Marriage

-
"Perhaps you cannot see a marriage. Like those giant heavenly bodies invisible to the human eye, it can only be charted by its gravity, its pull on everything around it. That is how I think of it. That I must look at everything around it, all the hidden stories, the unseen parts, so that somewhere in the middle — turning like a dark star — it will reveal itself at last."
---"The Story of a Marriage", Andrew Sean Greer

"Mommy, how are you?"
 
"Uy, anak. Ikaw pala yan. Mabuti. Ikaw kamusta? (Oh, it's you my son. I'm good. How are you?)"

It was nighttime in America. I suddenly missed my mom so I called her at her work at the nursing home. I wanted to chat a bit before I sleep.

"I'm good. O, 11 na ah. Susunduin ka na ng asawa mo (It's almost 11. Your husband will be fetching you soon)," I teased her.

"Ay. Oo nga. Yang Daddy mo talaga Kane, talagang every night andiyan talaga siya para sunduin ako. Favorite talaga ako niyan. (Oh, you're right. You know Kane... your Dad, he's really there every night to fetch me. I'm really his favorite.)"

She laughed and I heard the genuine pleasure in her voice.

"Sabi ko nga sa kanya, malapit lang naman ang bahay. Kaya ko ng lakarin para makapag rest na siya. Pero gusto pa rin niya ako sinusundo. Ay teka, andiyan na siya. O mag ingat ka lagi ha. I love you (I keep telling him the house is near and I can just walk home pero he insists on fetching me from work. Oh wait, got to go. He's here. Take care always. I love you)," my mom said.

"I love you too Mom. Give Dad my love."



My mom and dad live in a small apartment in Los Angeles. They have been married 31 years. My sister moved in with her boyfriend last year and they have become closer since then. I guess as what people say, it's like a second marriage.

"Yang mommy mo at ako, talagang 'til death do us part kami," Dad told me a few months ago during one of our conversations.

My dad arrives home much earlier than mom who has two jobs. Ssometimes he would fall asleep at the couch while watching TV but he makes sure he wakes up to fetch mom.

Sometimes I think of their nightly ritual and what it means for them. Perhaps for Dad, it's a daily gesture of his love for Mom. He's there ... every night for the past eight years an hour before midnight. Whether it's summer or fall. Winter or spring. There were days he wasn't feeling well. Or had a bad day at work. Or was simply tired.

But he always shows up.

-

The Marrying Kind

-

A few years ago, I wrote this.



I first met Neil almost a decade ago. I call him by a secret name; my ___ ___. If you're reading this Neil, it's still the same two words.

We were young, naive, curious about the world. We both love books and we would read to each other our favorite stories and poems. As the years passed, we discovered the world and liked what we saw. We grew older, lived in different cities, and one day, I learned he had married another man. Some beautiful boy who hails from Eastern Europe; the land of Kundera, paprika and goulash.

To this day I still know the exact spot in EDSA where I was at when he told me the news. Some things, you never forget.

We chatted recently and I asked him to tell me about his two years of marriage and the married life.

"It differs per person, I think.," Neil said.

And then he said it.

"And honestly, Kane, I think you're not the marrying kind."

My chest suddenly constricted. I was shocked and hurt but didn't know how to react. In my head, I was thinking "How could he say that?"

Here he was, my ___ ___, telling me he thinks I'm not the "marrying kind". It felt awful, especially coming from someone who was married and apparently, happy being married.

After a few minutes, Neil sensed that something was wrong.

"I didn't mean that one comment as an insult okay?" he said.

"I know," I replied. I was still.

"You know what I mean right?"

"I know."

"What I meant was I think you'll have a hard time finding a man who'd be able to keep up with you."




Keep up with me? What does that mean? But deep down I knew, all too well. This man who I haven’t seen in more than three years could still tell things about me, things that perhaps I did not realize or did not want to realize. I knew there was some truth in it, and the truth is not always kind.

At the end of the day, I think what people want is a love that lasts forever. But such a love is hard to find, or keep as we change. People do change, and sometimes they change too little. Or too much.


Neil has found his happy ever after and I do envy him that.

I still dream of love. I know I am a little unusual ... It's hard for me to find someone who understands my stories. Not just understand ... but love my stories. And love me.

But I'd like to think that there are others who will also choose the path less traveled. Perhaps the yellow wood won't be so lonely after all.



Present:
Neil and his husband divorced after three years of marriage.

"Tang-ina (Fuck) Kane," he said. "I'm married and divorced before 30. My parents don't even know I was married to a guy. How can I tell them I'm now divorced?"

"But imagine, when guys would flirt with you and ask if you're single, you get to say 'I'm divorced'!"

"Hahahaha. It's not everyday you meet a divorced gay guy huh."

He was quiet for a while. "I'm never marrying again, you know. I'm done with marriage. Tried it, it didn't fucking work."



-

That Kind of Girl

-

Dwayne and I started hanging out regularly ever since that night. And it was fun. Dwayne was fun to be with. I've forgotten how enjoyable the attention of a young man can be.

"Alam mo ba (You know), I put in the log book under reason for visit - to make out and hopefully have some light sex with Kane," Dwayne told me while we were eating the creamy seafood pasta and citrus salad he brought.

"Gago ka talaga. Di nga? (Come on, serious?)" I replied

"Kahit walang sex, okay na rin naman. (Well, it's okay even if there's no sex.) Halika nga dito (Come here)," he said, pulling me until I was on top of him. I could feel his throbbing erection.

We kissed and I tasted the butter and cream in his mouth. Delicious.

"When can I see you again?" Dwayne asked me.



Dwayne is a sweet thoughtful young man and he is amazing in many ways. He would drop by at home and bring me food after his work, and over dinner we would talk about how our day went. I rediscovered the pleasure of eating supper … and eating supper with someone.

How are you? How was your day? How was work?

The small talk couples usually have, the insignificant chit chats we don't realize form and strengthen our bonds with our lovers.

But sadly the more we talked, the more I discovered how we are un-alike. And it was The End of the Affair that sealed our fate.

I was narrating the scene where Sarah Miles realized God had agreed to her bargain: her lover Maurice Bendrix lives but in return, she is never to see him again. I have always wondered at the fairness of such a contract: Sarah's lover's life in exchange for her fidelity to her husband. Can God be so cruel? Or, so kind?

When I finished, there was … silence. I was waiting for a reaction, something like "wow" perhaps but Dwayne remained quiet. Then suddenly he said, "Gusto ko yung kinuwento mo (I like the story)" in an utterly unconvincing voice.

I nodded, but I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.

Oh Dwayne, I thought in my head, this is why you and I can never be.



"Oh my God. Hindi siya pumasa! (He didn't pass the test!)" Neil said, after I told him what happened. "Ang hirap naman kasi ng exam na binigay mo; The End of the Affair talaga. (Of all the topics, you had to choose the hardest. The End of the Affair.)"

"I know. But Neil, I need someone who understands my stories," I replied. The way you do.

"Hayyyy… there are a lot of guys no Kane, but only a few will really get you. You're too much kasi minsan (Sometimes, you are just too much)," he said. "I remember you telling me about that story, though. Na-miss ko tuloy mga kuwento mo. (I suddenly miss your stories.)"



Dwayne's question jolted me back to reality. I realized what I had to do. It was time.
 
"Dwayne, teka lang (hold on). I think we need to talk," I said and straightened up. I looked at him seriously.

"What about?"

"Huwag ka masyadong ma-intense. Relax lang. (Don't be too intense. Just relax.)"

"Ha? Hindi naman ako intense. Ano ka ba (Huh? But I'm not intense)," Dwayne said. We were both a little nervous.

"Good. Look, I'm not looking for anything serious right now," I said.

"Bakit hindi? (Why not?)" he asked. He suddenly looked downcast.

"I just have other priorities," I explained. Sometimes a lie is kinder than the truth.

He was very quiet. "Ayaw mo ba sa akin? (Don't you like me?)"

Alam kong nasasaktan siya sa mga sinasabi ko. (I knew what I was saying was hurting him.)

"Dwayne, ano ka ba. Huwag kang malungkot (Come on Dwayne. Don't be sad)," I pleaded. "I do. I think you're amazing. But I guess I still like being single; I still want to meet more guys, have sex with more men."

I knew what I said probably hurt him more. Perhaps what I said what unnecessary. But I wanted to make myself clear and not create false hope. And telling him I'm a slut is the least painful way to do it. Better me than him. Better that I'm the bad guy. At least he doesn't have to feel he wasn't enough. Or at least, not that much.

I smiled wanly and took his hand.

"Besides, you can't be all that surprised Dwayne," I slowy said. "Nakalimutan mo na ba? (Have you forgotten?) I'm the guy you picked up sa kalye (at the street) to have a threesome. I'm that kind of girl."





"Nothing's so loud
as hearing when we lie
the truth is not kind
and you said neither am I"
---Toad the Wet Sprocket, "All I Want"

Farewell My Concubine

-

Young, reckless and impulsive, Chris charmed the guests at the birthday party we were at last Friday night.

"So what are you guys?" Arnold asked us.

Chris and I looked at each other and laughed.

"We're … friends," I said.

"Why aren't you dating? O, are you guys just fucking each other?"

"I'm not his type," Chris butted in. "He likes them older. And yes, we fuck."

"Chris!" I blushed or pretended to, at least.

"I like your boy," Arnold whispered to me. "He is such a delight."

"I know," I whispered back.



Chris and I were left alone while the others refilled the ice and mixed more drinks. I was tired from a long day of work, and the cold October night and alcohol were making me woozy.

I looked at him and noticed he looked especially good tonight, in his tight black jeans and ochre-colored shirt. I wanted to kiss him right there. It has been awhile since we had sex; three weeks to be exact.

"I'm going to see my ex tomorrow," Chris suddenly told me.

I was surprised.

"Ahhh. You're talking again pala. Magbabalikan ba kayo? (Are you guys getting back together?)"

"I don't know. He says he wants to talk."

Talk. I knew what that meant.

"Oh. How long has it been?" I asked him.

"Three months na."

I could see he was trying not to be excited. But I knew how much his ex-boyfriend meant to him.

I took his hand and squeezed it.

"Masaya ako para sa iyo Chris. (I'm happy for you Chris)," I said.

"Asus. It's nothing. We'll just talk," he said, downplaying the meeting.

I finished the last of the vodka in my glass. I knew what was going to happen.

"So … if you do get back together, I guess that means we won't see each other again right?" I asked, trying to make the question sound light. But I already knew the answer.

Chris was silent, trying to evade the question.

"Parang ganun na nga. (I guess so.)"

I slowly nodded.

"Hey, I'll miss you," I said and smiled at him weakly.



There's a time for beginnings; there's a time for endings. With friends, lovers, and even fuck buddies.

Chris is my fuck buddy. But he is also more than that. He is also my friend, my companion. We have shared stories to each other, listened when the other needed to talk.  Chris was a mess when he broke up with his ex. Nobody knew he was gay; he had no one he could talk to. I befriended him, introduced him to my friends, and brought him to parties and clubs. He discovered a whole new world.

But time and time again, I would catch him staring into the distance and I knew his mind was somewhere else. Somewhere not here.

Although he rarely spoke of his failed relationship, I knew it was always in his thoughts, in the way his eyes would cloud over, in the way he would hug me tightly with his eyes closed at night. I knew those were not for me, but for a ghost in some distant past.



That night, we had sex for the last time. He left in the morning and headed straight to his ex-boyfriend's house.

Chris was coming home.

"We said eternity;
And I will go to my grave
With the life that I gave."
---John Mayer, "Home Life"

It Matters Now

-

I was falling asleep when my phone rang.

"Hey Nic, what's up?" I said in a drowsy voice.

I couldn't hear anything until I suddenly realized he was crying.

"O, are you okay? What happened?"

"Jack and I broke up."

He was sobbing.

"I didn't know who else I can call. Patulog ka na ba? (Are you about to sleep?)" Nic said. "Gusto ko lang umiyak. (I just want to cry.)"

"No… it's okay Nic. Sige lang. Iiyak mo lang. (Just cry it out.)"

Nic and Jack have been together for four years. They shared many happy memories, like most couples do. They were having problems but the one that broke the last thread was when Nic found out Jack was in love… with someone else.

"Wala na akong magawa Kane eh. (I can't do anything Kane.) He's in love with someone else."

"Oh."



When relationships fail, we often look for someone or something to blame. We often say, that bitch stole my boyfriend and we insist our lovers still love us.

But I've learned that sometimes, the simplest reason is the one that's the most difficult to accept.

He fell out of love with me. There… you have it.



Nic and Jack had planned to go on a trip to Kuala Lumpur and Singapore before they broke up. They still decided to go… as friends now.

"How was it?" I asked Nic last night at the gym.

"It was okay, fun fun. I guess travelling has always been our thing, you know."

"Ahhh… you're right. Your 'couple' thing," I replied and smiled.

"I only got sad when we were about to go home from the airport," Nic said, "I guess I knew what that meant."

"What?"

"During the trip, I could still pretend we were together. A part of me wished the vacation didn't have to end."

I looked at him and told him I understood… all too well, perhaps. There are certain bridges we don't want to cross. Sometimes the grass at the other side of the fence is not greener.



To lighten things up, I playfully punched him in his tummy.

"O, what's this?" I teased him.

"Asus. Hayaan mo na iyan. (Oh just let it be.)"

"Oh honey, you forget. You are no longer married. It matters now."

"Ayyy… PAK!" Nic said and we both laughed.



I was walking home and humming a tune when Nic texted.

"You were right. Being fat matters now that I'm single."

King of Arabia

-
"I hold your Eastern promise close to my heart
Welcoming you to my Harem."
---Sarah Brightman, "Harem"

I was never the kind of girl who wanted a boyfriend.

When I was younger, I was a fan of the HBO TV series Sex and the City and of all the women in the show, the character I couldn't understand the most was Charlotte. Charlotte was all about finding a man, getting married, having a child. She hated being single, while I loved it and all the freedom it gave me.

I wanted to explore the world, meet people without having to worry about someone else. I wasn't prepared for a relationship, for something so… permanent.

But at some point in your life, you become that kind of girl pala. You become… ready. (Yes, Rudeboy, you do.) For commitment, for partnership, for unconditional love.

I had that with M and I missed the kind of togetherness we shared.

After we broke up, my libido went down dramatically and my desire for intimacy skyrocketed. My first instinct was to replicate what we had, or at least the beautiful parts of it. I was looking for love to save me.

I wasn't flirting, dating, or having sex.



But the desert winds are shifting…



I have accepted my fate; that romance is just not yet around the corner for now. But then, who says you can't have fun while waiting?

One day, I woke up and felt different… lighter, perkier. That sweet lass yearning for a relationship disappeared and in its place stood a sex-hungry, boy-crazy, fuck-me-I'm-famous gal.

Yes, people, it's official. The fun girl is backkkkkkkkk!

And her first order is: Build a harem.



Yes, ladies and gentlemen, a harem. The sultans of Arabia had it right; diversity is the key to a happy and fulfilled single life.

Now, I'm talking about selection here. A group of tried, carefully selected and chosen men ready to serve at your pleasure.

And I want you all to meet Chris, my first recruit. Chris ended a two-year monogamous relationship more than a month ago and he has been celibate since then.

The poor kid was practically starving for a cock, and since I'm such a generous cunt, I let him have it. And in return, he took me on several trips to "O"-town.

He was very... persuasive. He made the cut for a reason; one very long slightly curving to the right reason.



Profile: Cute boy-next-door you want to fuck in your garden while mom and dad (and sister) are sleeping upstairs.

Company: Easy-going, low-maintenance guy. A bit dull, but hey, what can you expect from these kids?

Performance in and out of bed: Pretty fucking spectacular. Don't you just love a man who can take it as much as he gives it? What these kids lack in skill, they make up for in stamina and endurance. They can go on and on… and on and on… and did I mention, on and on?



Since then I have met several more candidates from the usual pool of sources: parties, clubs, art exhibits, the gym, Grindr, and let us not forget the friendliest planet in the world PlanetRomeo, and that hook-up site masquerading as a social network Facebook.

It looks like there is no rest for the wicked.

Gossip Girl: Trouble in The East

--

Hey Upper East Siders!

Summer is definitely done and I'm starved for a dish. Were you sunning in Crete or sinning in Croatia? My inbox is overflowing so let's get to the good stuff, shall we?

Looks like there's a cold war going on between our favorite girl and his BFFs. We heard K got into a lot of trouble during his smashing birthday ball. But, what's a party without a scandal? And most importantly, where are your friends when you need them K?


 
 
Hey Fran, how are you?
 
I know I have been distant and I wanted to explain. You deserve to know why, at least.
 
I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life recently. Do you remember when we had an issue after our Holy Week trip? You told me then that you felt bad because you wanted to be there for me when I needed you, like I always try to be there for you.
 
I remember that.
 
As you know, I had problems after my birthday. I was so stressed and I wanted to tell you about it but I was too exhausted so I asked V to talk to you.
 
He later told me you had spoken, you told him you understand, but you were just too stressed with work and couldn't talk to me.
 
I was very disappointed, but for a while, I tried to understand you. But I realize our friendship couldn't go on like this.
 
Don't worry, we are friends... just not that kind of friends. I hope you understand where I'm coming from.
 
Kane




Hi hun,

That incident after your birthday was a terrible time for you and I am only sorry that I was not there to listen, to hold your hand, to do anything.

As always, you try to understand where people are coming from and I can only thank you for it. It is not without effort, I know, but that is how you are and I love you for it.

My stress level, my worries, they have not changed. But that is not why I am writing to you today.

There are three things I want to tell you.

I want to thank you for the friendship you have shown me in the past years. You are a great friend and I do not think this will change.

I want to say that I am sorry that I was not the kind of friend you wanted me to be. There has always been disappointment in you and I am angry with myself that I cause you pain in whatever shape or form.

Finally, I want to tell you that I love you very much. I am not sure if I can ever be the kind of friend that you want or need, but I want you to know that you are that kind of friend to me. Will you still let me try then? I do not know what to do, but I want to try. Will you let me try?

All my love,
Fran






Some friendships may fade with the season, others are all year round.

They say all it takes is some space and time to clear our heads and open our hearts. And write a new ending to an old story. But then, there are those who got burned by the heat. They just want to forget and start over.

So when will this war end? Will it ever end? Or... is it the end? What's the verdict, K?




And oh, we heard you've been sick lately K. Perhaps your troubles are causing your yin and yang to be unbalanced. Or maybe... it was those four lines of white powder you snorted recently. Once you pop, you just can't stop, eh?



And what's this? Sleeping with a married man, G? Tsk tsk tsk … Oh no, who knew that underneath that sugar and spice is someone capable of lies.

Careful of the company you keep, K. What was it that my momma used to tell me… that birds of the same feather flock together?
 
 
 
 
Now, has someone spotted E? He's been MIA but word is he's about to make a comeback... with a prince in tow.  But can this prince keep this princess from running away? We heard this little pig went oink recently.

If I were him, I'd be worried. In a city that never sleeps a lot can happen in one night. Like tonight.

You, Secret

-
Fiction

"So, see you next week maybe?" James said as he put on his jeans.

"Yeah sure."

I lit a cigarette and watched as the smoke wafted out the window. It was early evening and it has started to drizzle.

"Do you want to stay over? You can leave early tomorrow," I told James, pointing at the rain.

"I can't. It's alright; it should be easy to get a cab."

James and I have been seeing each other on and off for more than four years now. He knows my body, every nook and corner of it, better than some of my lovers. When we have sex, I sometimes feel I'm a violin and his tongue is the bow, smooth and slow, at times quick, rough, insistent.

Sometimes we see each other once a week, sometimes once in a year. There is an unspoken rule; our lovers always come first, you second.

Still, our relationship has outlived every single one that I had with my boyfriends. Sometimes I wonder what we have and how long it will last.



"Do you have other buddies?" I asked him once.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I don't know Kane. I guess at some point in time, you'll tire of random encounters too."

"I like what we have," he explained. "You know, someone to talk to, someone to fuck with."

Human beings, no matter what we think, are creatures of habit after all. There is a certain comfort in the regularity, of having someone, anyone.



James and I met at a party hosted by a common friend. He was too charming; I couldn’t resist.

"I've always liked boys with dimples," James said, offering me a drink.

"Ohhh. Hahaha. It's just a dimple," I replied.

"Can I see you again?"

"Uhmm. I have a boyfriend James."

"Do you... now."

I have a boyfriend, I kept reminding myself. But James' presence made me giddy, light

"So, what do you do?" I asked him.

"I'm a man of many talents," he said teasingly.

"Ahh. But can you do the hardest thing of all?" I said, pulling him closer to me. I was getting drunk, and the alcohol made me reckless.

"What is that?"

His fingers were playing with my hand. I knew he wanted me and the knowledge made me braver than I really was. I looked him in the eye.

"Keep a secret."

He held my gaze.

"Ahhhh. Yes. I can do that."

We kissed.




"Can I add you in my Facebook?" James asked me before he left.

"Uhm. Why?"

"So we can be friends."

"We are friends, James. Just not that kind of friends."

"Why not?"

"Don't you remember? I thought you understood.You're my secret."