Saturday, October 27, 2001
I feel so confused. It seems like my future is so uncertain. Right now, I have several options. I can look for practicum work here in France for 6 months or more, but I would have to go back first to the Philippines to apply for a new kind of visa. It would be great of course, to see all my friends and family again but it would be expensive. Or I could go and study for another semester in ESSCA Hungary, but the monthly allowance would have to come from my parents. Or I could just go back to the Philippines and look for work there. But recently, I found out that our petition for immigration to the States has been approved. My family is planning to transfer there by June next year or so. My status is not yet sure because I am already past 21 years or age but my uncle is trying to find a way for me.

The big question is: What do I really want? I guess I would have to think hard. Each option has its own bright and not-so-bright aspects. Haayyy.. I really do not know. We shall have to see. Sometimes it can become overwhelming thinking of all these things. But in a way, I am glad. At least I am given options. It does make me wonder, which is more difficult: to have more or less options?
Of Love, Family and a Sister

It is difficult to write about someone you know so intimately, a person you love dearly because precisely you lose that certain objectivity that is necessary, or else this may very well become a eulogy. But nevertheless, in a way, I owe it to her. She is my sister, I am her brother, an honor that no one else will ever have.

I have always believed that we share something magical. In this world of dizzying speed and new discoveries, it still is remarkable how at the end of the day we still look for some warmth, some comfort, and yes ... a bit of love and affection.

My sister has always been a source of all that to people. She is patient with people, taking care to consider their needs above hers. I can see it in the way she talks to her friends, and most especially to our Titas and Titos. I can see the way they like talking to her, and she is always ready with a story or two to make them laugh.
Last Saturday, October 20, I went on a trip to discover the Aquitanine region of France. It was for around 6 days and it was simply amazing. France is really a beautiful place, every village and city has its own particular charm.

But that was not really my original plan. I thought that I was going to meet Neil in Paris for 2 days or so, because he would be back in London by then and have some time for that. But well, he decided not to go. It came really as a shock because I had alaways believed that he would find a way, and I guess what hurts is that I knew he could have come. he just chose not to. I felt so bad, i even pleaded with him. I told him I will never ask anything of him again, just go this once. And to top that, while I was in Bordeaux, I decided to call him because, despite everything, I did want to talk to him before he went home. But he ignored my texts (I texted him twice) and I even called him. Oh well.. i really feel sad..

But the trip was immensely satisfying. Hahhahaa... i had a lot of misadventures along the way. To start it off, i took the wrong tain from Angers. Instead of Landing in Tours, I landed in Nantes. I remember I was very very wottied then because there might not be a train to Bordeaux, but luckily there was one but it would be at 6:30. I had about 3 hours so I decided to go around. I went inside the Chateau and the Cathedral.

Friday, October 26, 2001

hahahhaha.. this is a really funny site.
And God Said, "No"

Claudia Minden Weisz

I asked God to take away my pain.
God said, No.
It is not for me to take away, but
for you to give it up.

I asked God to make my
handicapped child whole.
God said, No.
Her spirit was whole, her body was
only temporary.

I asked God to grant me patience.
God said, No.
Patience is a byproduct of
It isn't granted, it is learned.

I asked God to give me happiness
God said, No.
I give you blessings.
Happiness is up to you.

I asked God to spare me pain.
God said, No.
Suffering draws you apart from
worldly cares and brings you closer to me.

I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said, No.
You must grow on your own, but I
will prune you to make you fruitful.

I asked for all things that I
might enjoy life.
God said, No, I will give you life
so that you may enjoy all things.

I ask God to help me LOVE
others, as much as he loves me.
God said...Ahhhh,
Finally you have the idea.

"To the world you might
be one person,
But to one person you just
might be the world."

Thursday, October 18, 2001

Clenched Soul

We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand
while the blue night dropped on the world.

I have seen from my window
the fiesta of sunset in the distant mountain tops.

Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?

The book fell that always closed at twilight
and my blue sweater rolled like a hurt dog at my feet.

Always, always you recede through the evenings
toward the twilight erasing statues.

-----"Clenched Soul", Pablo Neruda

Tuesday, October 16, 2001


It was a sacrilege, they cried
The way she shattered every mullioned pane
To let a firebrand in. They tried in vain
To understand how one so carved from pride
And glassed in dream could have so flung aside
Her groven days, or why she dared profane
The bread and wine of life for some insane
Moment with him. The scandal never died.

But no one guessed that loveliness would claim
Her soul's cathedral burned by his desires
Or that he left her aureoled in flame...
And seeing nothing but her blackened spires,
The town condemened this girl who loved too well
and found her heaven in the depths of hell.

-----Angela Manalang Gloria, "Soledad"

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-----from Cien Sonetos de Amor (100 Love Sonnets), Pablo Neruda

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the
perfumes of spring.
I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;
how did your lips feel on mine?
Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,
the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.
I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten
your eyes.
Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of
you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will
do me irreparable harm.
Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.
I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every
Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because
of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting
stars, falling objects.

-----Pablo Neruda, "Love"
Spring and Fall to a Young Child

Margaret, are you grieving
Over Goldengrove unleaving?
Leaves, like the things of man, you
With your fresh thoughts care for, can you?
Ah! as the heart grows older
It will come to such sights colder
By and by, nor spare a sigh
Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie;
And yet you will weep and know why.
Now no matter, child, the name:
Sorrow's springs are the same.
Nor mouth had, no nor mind, expressed
What heart heard of, ghost guessed:
It is the blight man was born for,
It is Margaret you mourn for.

-----Gerard Manley Hopkins, "Spring and Fall to a Young Child"
But because to be here
means so very much.
Because this fleeting sphere
appears to need us-
in some strange way
concerns us: we...
most fleeting of all.
Once and once only for
each thing-then no more.
For us as well. Once.
Then no more... ever.
But to have been as one,
though but the once,
with this world,
never can be undone.

-----from the "The Ninth Duino Elegy", Rainer Maria Rilke
You knew an instant of pain or joy or love or desire and you were never the same again because the darkness inside yourself had known so much brief illumination. And at the end of it all, what? A gentle discernment, a manner of soft speech and belief, belief...

The joys of Sunday seemed far away now. The licit sounds of happiness had slid past her. She had loved Domingo Gorrez with everything that she had been but they had been careless, and one paid for carelessness like this --- sipping coffee in exile, vulnerable and tremulous, because, in this wayward inn, someone had said a warm and tender thing.

-----"The Sounds of Sunday", Kerima Polotan-Tuvera

Monday, October 15, 2001

I go a spell on my heart for ya
Wishin' on a little star for ya
Kinda magic in everything we do
Running circles round the moon
Live and I'd die for ya
Get a little bit high for ya
Forever couldn't come too soon
Running circles round the moon

I'm moving over, you're gettin closer
Heaven is in your eyes, ooohh
Mystical wonder, flowing into our lives
Spirits are waking, to the love that we're makin'
Angels are on our side
Watching and waiting, catching the joy we cry

Out of my mind
Chasin circles of love, but I find
Every lifetime
It's always you

-----Geri Halliwell, "Circles Round the Moon"
The Long Wait

so tired of waiting
but you don't know why
there is always something that brings you back
maybe in another time.. another place
maybe this is just an illusion

what binds two persons
a bit of love, a bit of ecstasy, a bit of pain
one never sees clearly
in the blacked charred night
until the first light of dawn
There is something about singing under a mirror ball when it's going and the lights are down and that thing's moving on its axis, shining up the world in its kind of Coca-Cola moment kind of way. I don't know, it's really romantic and it's rock 'n' roll, it's glam, it's all those amazing things that I think about when I think about music and the lifestyle...

---Sarah McLachlan, interview on her album Mirrorball
I'm so tired but I can't sleep
Standin' on the edge of something much too deep
It's funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
We are screaming inside, but we can't be heard

But I will remember you
Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by
Weep not for the memories

I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night
You gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light

-----"I Will Remember You", Sarah Mclachlan