Wednesday, September 28, 2011

The Problem With Vaginas


"So does that mean you want to become a woman?" my friend asked me years ago after I told her I was gay.

"No, I don't. I mean I like being a guy and I just happen to like other guys," I carefully explained. "Besides, who would want a vagina?"

Vaginas. That mysterious hollow where few gay men have dared to enter. Vaginas have long been the subject of ridicule and the butt (pun intended) of jokes of gay men around the world for centuries.

“It smells like fish,” or “I don’t like the taste of vinegar,” or “I don’t wanna have to pinch my nose to eat it.”

It's understandable why gay men dislike vaginas. But surprisingly, some women do too.

The problem with vaginas is that they seem to be "just straight-out bad luck," Caitlin Moran's said in her book How to be a Woman. "Only a masochist would want one, because only awful things happen to them. Vaginas get torn. Vaginas get 'examined'. Evidence is found in them. Serial killers leave things in them, to taunt Morse . . . No one wants one of those."

But come to think of it, so do anuses. Anuses do get torn, they sometimes bleed, they get examined, and people put random things inside of them (not that I would know anything about this, of course). Both, I've heard, can at times smell funny, look strange, taste weird.

I've never had sex with a woman. I know. Shameful. I've often been curious how it would feel to have your dick inside a vagina. I've heard it's wet. Is it tighter? Looser? Less or more pleasurable?

I have kissed and made out with girls. I noticed women smell differently compared to men; their scent is sweet as opposed to the musky scent of guys. Their bodies feel different too; curvy with breasts in front and softer all around.

Some of my straight guy friends keep telling me I should try having sex with a woman. I've always said "sure, sure" but there's always a lot of reservations in my head. Will I get a hard on? I want her to know I'm gay and I want her to guide me because I'm still (technically) a virgin in that area.

"Yes" is the Word

I have decided I want to try anything at least once. The word is "Yes" and I'll say it at anything ... or to anyone. If an opportunity presents itself, I'll take it. And that includes, sex with girls, cunnilingus, trips to bath houses, orgies, fisting (ewww, wait, let me think about that).

All the things I have long been scared to do either because of fear of being judged or fear that I might fail. What the heck. I can't live life like that. And besides, it's just a vagina ... right?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Gossip Girl: The Last Days of Disco


Previously on Gossip Girl:
The Valley Girls

Morning Sleepyheads! Time to wake up from bad dreams, roll out of our beds and start making plans for a brighter future. Even if it means we need to leave the past behind.

"We are now processing the 'Application of Immigrant Visa & Alien Registration' form and I need some information from you. I am scanning you a copy of the draft form for you to fill out the missing information in a separate piece of paper … "

The letter went on and on but all I could do was read the first line over and over again. So this is it ... the time has come.

I shouldn't have been so surprised. I have always known I would leave the Philippines one day. When I was twenty two, my mom, dad and my sister migrated to the U.S. I was left behind because I had exceeded the age limit mandated by their law.

My parents eventually petitioned for me and well, it looks like I am finally coming home. Or … was I?

Home is such a powerful, visceral word that resonates in every human being, the idea of a place where you belong. But somehow, over my years of growing up, it has seemed to elude me, how it always felt like it was here but inexplicably over there at the same time. Every part of me seemed miles and centuries apart and each place and time called itself my home.
Where ... or what ... or who is home?
I left my hometown Cotabato City when I was thirteen to study in Manila. I lived alone for four years and stayed at a dormitory. I suppose I was forced to grow up much faster than a normal young boy. I had to take care of myself, buy my own groceries, budget my own money, plan my schedules, be independent.

My parents were always supportive but they were just so far away and it was at that age when plane fares would cost an arm and a leg. And  we weren't rich. So visits were far and few in between.

My sister eventually joined me when she came here for her college education. Those were some of the happiest years of my life. My sister and I share an intimate bond that I think … no, that I know will last forever. And yes, Rudeboy, I know forever's an awfully long time. Such a word isn't to be taken lightly.

So I know I should be happy that I will be joining them, but why do I feel more sad than joyful? I suppose, instinctively, I knew this is one of those life changing moments in our lives, that I was leaving a place and a time I can never go back to. Because when I do go back, I would no longer be the same man. And people and friends would have changed and moved on with their lives. And all that's left, sometimes, are our memories of days gone by.

Manila is the sum of everything that I am and more; who I am when I drink and dance with my friends on Saturday nights, who I am when I wake up with a stranger in my bed, who I am when I get lonely during cold nights, who I am when I find love, who I am when I lose it.

Yet it seems I must go away and leave it all behind to find my future.
"Honey, I have news," I told Fran and took a deep breath. "My visa might finally come anytime soon."
"Oh," she replied, caught by surprise. "Wow. When do you think you're leaving?"

"Sometime next year. I'm trying to delay it until around July," I said. "It's all very uncertain but we still have some time," I said and smiled at her.

She nodded. "I'm happy for you hun. I've always known you were meant for great things, you were always bound for somewhere else. Somewhere not here. And you finally get to be with your family."

"I know. But … you're my family too Fran. I mean, we raised each other. All of the boyfriends and mean girls and break-ups and crazy family dramas, we learned through it together. You're my best friend."

"Do you think I'll make it there?" I asked her quietly. "Do you think I'll be lonely? What will I do without you Fran?"

"All I know is you will shine, like you always have, like you always will," Fran said as she tried to reassure me.

"I'm not so sure about that," I replied.

"I am," she said. "Ikaw pa. (You of all people.) It looks like you're heading to one big adventure hun. I only wish I can be there to share it with you. Aren't you excited?"

"I guess it's because ang saya saya ko dito (I guess it's because I'm really, really happy here)," I said wistfully.

"I know. You have a comfortable life, money, an amazing job, wonderful friends, you get to travel and you get a lot of boys. For most people, it's enough," Fran said.

"For most ... sigh."

"Except, you're not like most people. I know it's hard to leave but I know you also know you need to do this," she continued.

"I do hun, I do. Manila's getting too comfortable, and I still have other dreams to fulfill." I said.

"I guess this is it huh," I finally said and gave her a smile.

"I guess it is," Fran said.

And all in an instant, everything changes. We leave the past behind and speed toward the unknown. Our future.

But no matter how old we get and how far we go, we always need a place to call home. Because without the people you love most you can't help but feel all alone in the world. But only time will tell ... if they'll stay or leave you too.


Thursday, September 08, 2011

Gossip Girl: The Games We Play (III)


The Games We Play (I)
The Games We Play (II)

Wakey wakey sleepyheads, Gossip Girl here. Grab your horses and guns, cause word is hunting season has begun. And guess who's leading the pack?

Why, none other than our favorite girl Kane who we hear has found himself a new hunting mate. One to do the dirty, the other to act as bait.

"Oh God, honey. Every time I pass the guards at home, they all have a look that seems to say, 'I know who you did last weekend!' Arghhh!"

"And what exactly happened last weekend?" V asked.

Three days ago

"Hay naku Gino, nakakainis. I can't contact Grindr boy's phone!! We were supposed to go out," I told Gino. Grindr boy and I had agreet to meet last weekend, and I was looking forward to another hot makeout session. But I haven't heard from him and his phone was turned off.

"Hayaan mo na. Si John na lang kasi," he said.

"John is out of town. Hay… my weekend plans are getting fucked up."

"Ano ba yan. Hayaan mo sila. Ako bahala sa iyo. We'll have a weekend you'll never forget."

I didn't realize how prophetic those words would be.

The club was already filled with people when we arrived past three a.m. I saw some of my friends including Glenn who was visiting from Malaysia. We were having a lot of fun dancing to our current favorite anthem "Till The World Ends" and flirting with boys.
I was tired but happy when we left. I even forgot about John and Grindr boy, when suddenly …

"Ano. May gustong sumama sa atin," Gino said.

I was caught off guard. "Huh? Sino?"

"Basta. Okay ito. Ano?"

I was a little confused. I was a little drunk and things weren't sinking in my brain quickly. "He's alone?"

"Yeah. Kung gusto mo, we can have a threesome."

A threesome. I've never done a threesome; I mean, I've never done it with a friend. Besides, I'm not really a group fun kind of girl. I like things simple. Contrary to what some people may think, I'm not as adventurous in sex as others. Group sex can be so messy, you don't know what to do or who to do first.

I tried it twice. The first was a massive success and the second was an epic failure. The first happened when I went to the island of Boracay alone for three days; and ended up staying there for two weeks.

I was 21, and I imagined I must have been beautiful then. They were older than I was, strong handsome men with girl friends. I remember calling my best friend then to ask her if I should go ahead with it. And she said, "Go! Just try it out!"

So I did and it was one of the most unforgettable experiences I've had. It probably was the first time I learned the body can be quite … what's the word … malleable? And how two kisses can be better than one.

The second was two years ago with a couple. I was fucking one of them (he requested) when suddenly, I smelled something funny … and let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that was when the Great Tower of Babel fell down in a single swipe.

I hurriedly left and that was the end of that. God!!! Shouldn't everyone by now know the cardinal rule of being a bottom?

CLEAN! CLEAN! CLEAN! Motherfucker. What a way to end a tryst.

"So ano? Gusto mo ba?" Gino asked me. I was jolted back from my reverie.
So what will it be K? Party-pooper or go-getter?
"Uhhhhm … Okay lang."

Jonathan was pleasantly cute; lean, chinito, tall and really young. Fucker, the energy these kids have, I actually came twice even though I was intoxicated and exhausted.
Yes, ladies, he was that good.

I guess Gino wasn't satisfied because the next night, we went out again and hooked up with … (drumroll) Jonathan's friends. I know, I know … slutty much?

And what was so exciting about it was that his friends didn't know we hooked up with Jonathan the night before. We could tell he was upset that we were flirting with his friends ... but well, boys will be boys. His friends were both also good looking; one was an artist and the other a model. Gino fucked one of them on the kitchen floor while the other wanted me to cum on his face. Shit, ang sarap.

I was spent, drained, but I suppose it still wasn't enough because the next day, Gino asked another guy to come over.

"Abusada ka naman masyado!" V exclaimed. "Threesomes are for special occasions; you know … for your birthday, when you get a promotion, something to treat yourself with. Not three times in one weekend!"
"What can I do?" I protested. "I didn't have to do anything. Gino did all the work; and since it was already there I couldn't say no."

"Ayan ka na naman! Kunwari wala ka na lang magawa!" V said, laughing. "But seriously, did you like it?"

The question caught me by surprise. I thought hard before answering.

"Honestly … I did. Sigh. Is that bad? That I liked it?"

Sometimes in life we hit a crossroad and are forced to choose which path we want to take. And there's no way of knowing if our journey will lead us to pleasure or pain.

Careful K. If you step in those shoes, there's no telling where you just might end up.


Monday, September 05, 2011

The Games We Play (II)


The Games We Play (I)

"Heyyy, kamusta?" Gino asked.

"Grabe Gino. I had a hot makeout session last night," I replied. "Ang sarapppp. Fucker."


"Si Grindr boy. Ang sarap, as in. Parang high school lang. A lot of kissing. A little touching. Ear nibbling. Cuddling."

The night before …
"Hey, nasan ka na?" Grindr boy asked me. "I thought we were going to meet."

"Teka ha … maliligo lang ako."

"I have to sleep early kasi. Pero if you want, I can drop by to see you kahit sa lobby na lang. Pero sandali lang ha."

"Okay okay. Give me a few minutes."

It was a cold night and Grindr boy was wearing a sweater and shorts. He had come from Starbucks to study for his exams and he was carrying a backpack with all his books inside. He looked really cute, like one of those exquisite Russian dolls with permanent smiles on their faces. He's always smiling, this boy, and I can't help but smile back.

I invited him inside my place. I was excited and a little nervous. There are some men you just want to have sex with, and some you actually want to date. I had a feeling he might belong to the latter. I knew the drill. We would talk a little; then there would be some awkward silence. After a few casual exchanges, I moved in closer to him. He smelled really good.

I tasted the mint in his breath when we kissed.

"O, bakit lasang mint ka? You planned this no?" I teased him.

"Hindi ah!!!" he exclaimed.

"Come on. You wanted to see me at my place, you're wearing perfume, and your breath smells of mint!! You wanted to seduce me," I said.

"Di ah!" he protested. He was pretending to be indignant and was shaking his head.  "I just wanted to see you. Ikaw nga ang nag initiate ng kiss," he pointed out,

"I couldn't resist it; you were lying there looking so adorable," I told him. "I had four years of Catholic education, and I'm telling you, you are an impure thought."

We were both laughing at that time. After a few minutes more of cuddling, I stopped and looked at his eyes.

"You know, I'm fine with whatever version you want to tell people. I don't mind," I said. "Let me be the bad ass wolf preying on poor innocent boys, fine. I'll give it to you."

"Well ... the thought of making out may have crossed my mind," he admitted, grinning.

"Make out lang?" I asked.
"Kailangan ko pang mag aral eh," he said.
"Okay, manood ka na lang habang mag jerk off ako," I said. I saw his eyes go wide with shock, and very quickly, turn into helplessness. He didn't want to say yes; but he also didn't want to say no. It's alright, I said. I was just teasing you.
"O? Ba't di mo nalang sinex agad?" Gino asked.
"He had to study pa. And parang mas gusto ko na sweet girl muna," I said. "Although … gusto ko sanang papuntahin si John after. Pero parang too slutty?"

"Haha. Kamusta naman ang date niyo ni John?"

Two nights ago …
"Thank you Kane. Nag enjoy ako! Ingat! :))" John texted me.

"Hey John =) It was really fun listening to your stories. You're really quite the charmer," I replied.

John and I had dinner at a quaint Italian restaurant where I discovered he loved creamy fettuccini pasta, that he had just broken up with his first and only boyfriend, and that he is meeting a lot of men.

"Bahay ka na?" he asked.

"Yeah. Ikaw? Nasa ibang bahay ka na?" I said.

"Hmmmpf! Bakit ganyan ka sa akin? Ganyan ba tingin mo sa akin?"

"Uy, I was just teasing you. You know, even if you are with someone, it's perfectly okay. You're single, time to see and meet everyone."

"Magpapakabehave ako, promise," John said.

"You don't have to, come on. Go enjoy yourself. So how many guys are you seeing now?"

"Ay wala pa. Ngayon lang ako lumabas ng dalawa lang. Uhmmm ... date ba yung kanina?" he asked me.

"Well, nobody dates anymore John. People just hangout," I said. "Except perhaps for old fashioned people like me."

"So date nga yun. Hehehe. Muah."

Aba, marunong itong taong ito. "Let's plan a real date?" I asked.

"Sige. Pero I'm not ready for something serious. I just want you to know," he said, adding a sad face to his text message.

"Sure. Let's go out without expectations. You can have your fun; I can have mine."

"Wow. Gusto ko yan! How liberal of you Kane," Gino said. "Pero kung ako sa iyo, kay John ka na lang kasi. Tignan mo.

He's 23. (Very young)
Attractive (Oo naman)
Living alone (Walang hassle)
Stable (May mararating)
And single (Puedeeee!!!)

Diba? Anong pang hahanapin mo? All in one na!"

"Sigh. Kainis. They both seem really great. Must a girl choose between two of her heart's fondest desires?" I lamented.

"So… is Grindr boy the one?"

"I think ... puede."

"So paano si John??

"He's ... the other one."

Friday, September 02, 2011

The Games We Play (I)


So there I was at the gym; doing something I wasn't used to. Working out.

My friend Gino is tall, dark, skinhead, muscular and he has that thing most gay men want: abs. He had taken it upon himself to teach me to work out and to work out properly.

"Remind me again why we're doing this?" I said, my face red with exertion after the fiftieth squat exercise.

"Para mas maging hot ka."

"But, (pants) I don't want (grunts) to look hot," I said, panting and sweating. "Okay na ako na ganito."

"Hay naku. Ang tamad mo talaga. Tapusin mo yan. (You're so lazy. Go finish it.)"

After our workout, we grabbed something to eat and the conversation eventually turned to men.

"So how was your lunch date?" Gino asked. He knew I met with a guy from Grindr earlier.

"Oh God Gino!!!! He's sooo cute!!!" I squealed. "I think he's the one."

"Hahaha. Parang tanga nito. He's the one agad???" he replied, laughing.

"Well, it really was a great lunch. He was so funny and cute and … he smiles a lot," I said, recalling the memory. "I kinda liked that."

"Hay naku, kung gusto mo, may ipapakilala ako sa iyo mamya. Mas okay ito, I'm sure. Ano… gusto mo?"

Well, I thought to myself, if you really want to know if he's the one, perhaps you first have to meet everyone.

And that was how I found myself drinking on a weekday night ahead of a full day of work the next day. The bar was unusually full, packed with people downing cocktail concoctions and waiters lighting dishes on fire.

I was already dreading the consequences of a hangover … except that John was really good looking. He reminded me of one of my crushes; except he's the younger, hotter version.

"Hey Kane, this is my friend John. John, si Kane."

John nodded. I gave him the smile I'd been working up. A pleasure, I said. A nice set of eyes, I noticed straight off. Boyish. Lean. I turned my back on him, knowing there would be an interval of not talking before the talking begins.

A nice man. Sigh. Is that too much to ask for? Once I went out with a guy who invited someone else to my apartment while I was away. I wailed and cried of course, when it was all over. Sometimes, I'm tired of praying "God, please let this one work."

"Anong inumin natin? (What do you guys wanna drink?)" Gino asked us both. I'm fine with anything, I told them. I was a little exhausted and I was spacing out.

Pay attention, I told myself. Smile. Get on with the plan. I was not being perky at the very moment I needed to be all brightness and charm.

John was nice enough so far. But I suddenly felt unexpectedly weary with the whole business. The flirting, the gamesmanship, the jockeying for positions.

I knew you were supposed to get all energized and breathless at the prospect of courtship, the teasing and maneuvering. Well, most of the time I am. But sometimes, it only makes me feel tired. Adventurer or not.

I noticed a couple at a corner, the girl was laughing at some joke the guy said. They seemed to be having a great time. I missed that about my past relationship, if nothing else. The comfort of taking each other for granted. Not having to worry if you look fat or if your hair is messy or the color of your shirt is nice. Sometimes the heroic effort to arrange and rearrange and coax and prop yourself up, to work out and dress up seemed just silly, you wish …

But … there was this man I must talk to, and talk to in a way that is charming, provocative, piquant, interesting.

"So what do you do?" John asked.

"I'm a struggling writer."

"Haha. Cute."

"But I am," I protested. "I mean, I'm a writer, not cute."

He laughed. I knew I got him.