Gossip Girl: The Last Days of Disco

-

Previously on Gossip Girl:

The Valley Girls



Morning Sleepyheads! Time to wake up from bad dreams, roll out of our beds and start making plans for a brighter future. Even if it means we need to leave the past behind.

"We are now processing the 'Application of Immigrant Visa & Alien Registration' form and I need some information from you. I am scanning you a copy of the draft form for you to fill out the missing information in a separate piece of paper … "

The letter went on and on but all I could do was read the first line over and over again. So this is it ... the time has come.

I shouldn't have been so surprised. I have always known I would leave the Philippines one day. When I was twenty two, my mom, dad and my sister migrated to the U.S. I was left behind because I had exceeded the age limit mandated by their law.

My parents eventually petitioned for me and well, it looks like I am finally coming home. Or … was I?

Home is such a powerful, visceral word that resonates in every human being, the idea of a place where you belong. But somehow, over my years of growing up, it has seemed to elude me, how it always felt like it was here but inexplicably over there at the same time. Every part of me seemed miles and centuries apart and each place and time called itself my home.
 
Where ... or what ... or who is home?
 
I left my hometown Cotabato City when I was thirteen to study in Manila. I lived alone for four years and stayed at a dormitory. I suppose I was forced to grow up much faster than a normal young boy. I had to take care of myself, buy my own groceries, budget my own money, plan my schedules, be independent.

My parents were always supportive but they were just so far away and it was at that age when plane fares would cost an arm and a leg. And  we weren't rich. So visits were far and few in between.

My sister eventually joined me when she came here for her college education. Those were some of the happiest years of my life. My sister and I share an intimate bond that I think … no, that I know will last forever. And yes, Rudeboy, I know forever's an awfully long time. Such a word isn't to be taken lightly.

So I know I should be happy that I will be joining them, but why do I feel more sad than joyful? I suppose, instinctively, I knew this is one of those life changing moments in our lives, that I was leaving a place and a time I can never go back to. Because when I do go back, I would no longer be the same man. And people and friends would have changed and moved on with their lives. And all that's left, sometimes, are our memories of days gone by.

Manila is the sum of everything that I am and more; who I am when I drink and dance with my friends on Saturday nights, who I am when I wake up with a stranger in my bed, who I am when I get lonely during cold nights, who I am when I find love, who I am when I lose it.

Yet it seems I must go away and leave it all behind to find my future.

 
 
 
"Honey, I have news," I told Fran and took a deep breath. "My visa might finally come anytime soon."
 
"Oh," she replied, caught by surprise. "Wow. When do you think you're leaving?"

"Sometime next year. I'm trying to delay it until around July," I said. "It's all very uncertain but we still have some time," I said and smiled at her.

She nodded. "I'm happy for you hun. I've always known you were meant for great things, you were always bound for somewhere else. Somewhere not here. And you finally get to be with your family."

"I know. But … you're my family too Fran. I mean, we raised each other. All of the boyfriends and mean girls and break-ups and crazy family dramas, we learned through it together. You're my best friend."

"Do you think I'll make it there?" I asked her quietly. "Do you think I'll be lonely? What will I do without you Fran?"

"All I know is you will shine, like you always have, like you always will," Fran said as she tried to reassure me.

"I'm not so sure about that," I replied.

"I am," she said. "Ikaw pa. (You of all people.) It looks like you're heading to one big adventure hun. I only wish I can be there to share it with you. Aren't you excited?"

"I guess it's because ang saya saya ko dito (I guess it's because I'm really, really happy here)," I said wistfully.

"I know. You have a comfortable life, money, an amazing job, wonderful friends, you get to travel and you get a lot of boys. For most people, it's enough," Fran said.

"For most ... sigh."

"Except, you're not like most people. I know it's hard to leave but I know you also know you need to do this," she continued.

"I do hun, I do. Manila's getting too comfortable, and I still have other dreams to fulfill." I said.

"I guess this is it huh," I finally said and gave her a smile.

"I guess it is," Fran said.

And all in an instant, everything changes. We leave the past behind and speed toward the unknown. Our future.

But no matter how old we get and how far we go, we always need a place to call home. Because without the people you love most you can't help but feel all alone in the world. But only time will tell ... if they'll stay or leave you too.

XOXO
-

Where Time Stands Still

-
A year ago, I was a different man.

I was in love and I discovered that what the poets and writers spoke of is true: there is nothing that compares to love. Those were the happiest days of my life.

There were moments when I wanted to freeze time, so that nothing would change anymore, so that our love would last forever.



In his book Einstein's Dreams, Alan Lightman conjures theoretical realms of time. In one of his worlds, there is a place where time stands still.

People journey there to freeze moments of their lives. There you will see parents laughing and smiling with their children, lovers locked in a passionate kiss. They sacrifice the future for the present.

Perhaps it is because we know things never stay the same. Children won't be children forever. They grow up, and sometimes they become rebellious and angry and spiteful. And parents wonder at night, where did my little boy go?

Lovers become unfaithful; we all know how love can be fleeting. Who can blame them for wanting to hold on to these precious moments of their lives? When everything is exactly where it is supposed to be.

"And at the place where time stands still, one sees lovers kissing in the shadows of buildings, in a frozen embrace that will never let go.

The loved one will never take his arms from where they are now, will never give back the bracelet of memories, will never journey far from his lover… will never fall in love with someone else, will never lose the passion of this instant in time."

It is very tempting. Who wouldn't want his happiness to last an eternity? Even if it comes at the cost of stopping time.

But some would say, "It is noble to live life, and without time, there is no life."

But then again, what use is life if it ends in sorrow?

I once visited the Grand Canyon with my family. It was winter and as I stood there freezing at the edge of the cliff looking at the intricate walls of the canyon, I thought to myself how strange that people travel so far to feel so small.

Billions of years have passed, and billions of people have lived and died and we are but just one more human life in this world. And all our hopes, dreams and sorrows have been repeated again and again throughout history. After all, what is one man's joy but a speck in time.

And a thousand years from now, no one will remember us. The ordinary lives we have lived. But perhaps it doesn't matter. Like those rocks that stood before me, perhaps our stories will live on.

One day in the future, some other boy will fall in love. Perhaps that boy will be me.


"Love is all a matter of timing. It's no good meeting the right person too soon or too late. If I'd live in another time or place... my story might have had a very different ending."
---2046 (2004)

Turning 86

My Tita Lyding turned 86 last week. She suffers from arthritis and can barely walk, her hearing is impaired so we all have to raise our voices so she can hear us, but her mind is still sharp.

I first met her when I came to Manila in 1993. I was 13 then, a young lad from the province, a probinsyano, just about to enter high school. I knew little about life in the big city. Tita Lyding, or Tita Deng as I often call her, was not a blood relative but she took care of me just like her own son.

Since she rarely has the chance to go out, I decided to fetch her from Antipolo and take her out for a night in town.

"O, did you take a bath ba?" I asked her after she got in the car.

"Yes, of course! Three times!" she answered.

"Paamoy nga," I said and embraced her. Her perfume smells of lilac, and old roses, just like I remembered. "So are you ready? Baka mapuyat ka."

"I'm prepared to go home by 6:00 a.m.!" she told us.

"Naku! LAX na ito! Did you bring your dancing shoes Tita Deng?" my close friend Georgie said.

"I brought my third leg," she replied, brandishing her cane, laughing.

That's what I love about my Tita. Her humor and zest for life hasn't faded. She refuses to become an old grumpy lady who complains about everything in her life. Never mind that walking is painful. Never mind that she can't hear the world as much as she used to. I would sometimes catch her pretending to have heard something just to spare her the embarassment of having to repeat "Ano yun?" again and again.

"I'm always happy to see you Kane," she told me.

"I'm happy too Tita. Happy 86th birthday my love," I said.

I brought her to my favorite Filipino restaurant, Bistro Filipino, and we had drinks afterwards with my friends.

What do people want when they're 86, I wondered?

"So, Tita Deng, what is your birthday wish?" I asked her as she sipped her mango margarita.

She was quiet for a moment.

"One more year," she said, smiling at me. "And I want another dinner like this next year ha!"

One more year, I thought to myself. So this is how it ends. When you're younger, you dream of wealth, travel, love, a great job, a great man, great sex and a lifetime to enjoy them all. And at 86, all you ask is for one more year.

I suddenly realized the vast distance of almost six decades that separates my Tita and I. She looked at me and at that moment, we both knew she knew she was approaching the end of her life. How does she feel, I wonder? And when that time comes, how would I feel?

Our finiteness being human is what ultimately gives our lives meaning, I think. It is because we know things do not last forever that we value them. It is the time we spend with our loved ones knowing death comes, the joy of watching children grow up knowing they will not be children forever, the struggles of today knowing there is a promise of a better tomorrow.

The years fly by.

As the poet Andrew Marvell put it in his poem, “To His Coy Mistress” – “And at my back I always hear, / Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.”

Maybe one day I will be 86 and someone will ask me what is my wish. I would remember my Tita Deng, and smiling I'll say, "One more year".