The Lost Continent of My Twenties

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For my sister Honeylet who has been with me through every journey. Happy birthday my love.

They say time is what ultimately gives meaning to all things; that we only recognize the importance of something when we look back at it.

When I recently re-read some of my stories in this blog, I realized that I was looking at the disappearance of a whole continent I know I may never touch again - Gossip Girl Birthday Balls, Grand Canyon sunsets and Machu Picchu sunrises, adventures with my sister, red leggings and a harem - in short, the land of my self-absorbed twenties.

So raucous and full of joy, they strike me now as obsessed with loss and nostalgia and the One Big Love that never worked out but wouldn't go away, either.

That life is drifting away from me, an inch at a time. Work is now taking up more and more of my time, some friends have become distant, my sister is getting married in November.

Sometimes I wonder once she's become a wife and a mom, will she still have time for her brother? What about our dreams to explore unknown lands together and see the Great Pyramid of Khufu, the Orient Express, the Byzantines churches.

Perhaps those dreams are gone.

While writing my stories, perhaps I was dimly aware that time is passing, that things will change. I didn't want to let go of my past; to forget, to become disengaged, to become disentangled.

I wanted to remember. I wanted to build a shrine to honor it, to give it a mark in my new land. I wanted to mythologize it. This, I think, is one of the great privileges of a writer; to create a myth out of a personal experience.

Some say it is best to burn the bridge and move on; to never look back. But I believe it takes more courage to go back and face our past, both the beautiful and ugly parts of it, and recognize it for what it really was. Perhaps for the very first time.

So without knowing it, I was building my shrine to the slowly vanishing continent of my twenties. Some of that terrain was as gorgeous as the Manila setting where most of them are based; full of shimmering curtains of rain and deeply rooted desires.

Much of it was dark and thick with blinding smog too; some almost impassable. But broken love and dreams deserve a shrine; even if its just a few words and scraps of memories.

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Grateful

-

Previously:
Fearless

Gossip Girl: Teenage Dream (I)

I woke up alone in an empty hotel room. Plastic cups were scattered all over the tables, couches and on the kitchen sink along with some McDonald's fries and chocolate cake leftovers.

I looked at the clock and saw it was eight in the morning. I had barely two hours of rest. My head was hurting from the lack of sleep and alcohol intake from last night. I took a deep sigh and started cleaning up the mess.

So this is how it feels like to be thirty one, I told myself.  Just when I had gotten used to the sound of thirty, I had to add another syllable. Thirty … one.

Thirty one is such an awkward age. Thirty was the end of a decade, the start of a new one. It heralded so many things; the promise of maturity, a more comfortable life, fewer issues, less drama, and perhaps love.

Or so I thought.



I was feeling strangely sad as my birthday approached. I brushed it off, told myself it was just the usual birthday blues. I guess birthdays are that one day in a year that you long to feel special. I haven't felt that way in a long time.

I missed spending my birthday with my family. I miss my Mom and Dad, my Shobe. I don't have a boyfriend and my friends have been … well … busy with their own lives.

A couple of days after my birthday, Neil and I had a chat. He had just spent the previous weekend partying during the gay pride celebration in Toronto.

"Gay pride was a blast but it always leaves you empty," he said. "One million faggots and not a single one to … oh whatever. LOL. Birthday mo na Kane."

"Well… it was actually two days ago."

"Akala ko 5? Kaya naman ako nag text kasi sabi sa kalendaryo ko 5. Sorry!!!"

"It's okay Neil. I heard old age does that to you. Makes you forgetful," I teased him. "I still appreciate it."

"How was it? Did you do anything special?" Neil asked.

"Well, it wasn't one of my happiest. But it taught me something important," I said.

"Not the happiest, but it was still happy I hope. What did it teach you?



Vackie, Edward and I had decided to rent a room at a hotel and invite a few people over on the eve of my birthday. Nothing fancy, really. Just a quiet night with friends. Vackie, Edward and Arlan didn't show up.

Vackie and Edward eventually apologized days later. I accepted their explanations and told them it's okay. But I realized, just because you understand, it doesn't mean you don't feel bad pala. I haven't heard from Arlan.

I have been grappling with the changes in us; these people are some of my most cherished and loved among my friends, and I miss them.

"Hay Neil, I was sliding into depression when out of the blue, a wise friend told me a simple fact. Life has its different seasons. Even friendships, I guess."

"Nangungulila lang siguro ako. I'm tired of being alone. Pero perky na uli ako :)," I told Neil.

"Mabuti na lang you have wise friends. I usually have to face that battle alone," he said. "Count your blessings. Buti naman at perky ka na."

"I do, I do. I guess it's because I give myself so much to my friends. They're my family here kasi, but people do disappoint you. But you become more understanding rin pala. More forgiving. Gawd, is this maturity?"

They're not just my friends, they're my family. Because my family lives far away, my friends have become more important to me. They're the ones I talk to everyday, to ask how your day was, to share your stories with.

Sometimes, when you give yourself to a person; be it a friend, a lover, a husband, a wife, you expect certain things in return. That they value you, that they give back. That things won't change. But friendships are relationships too, and like most things in life, they change too.

As André Aciman said in his essay in the New York Times titled The Day He Knew Would Come

"...this is how it always is and has been: things come and then they go, and however we bicker with time and put all manner of bulwarks to stop it from doing the one thing it knows, the best thing is learning how to give thanks for what we have."

Perhaps, that day had come. If last year was about learning to be fearless, this year was about teaching myself to be grateful. And I am. I am incredibly lucky, and I realized despite the hits and misses in my life, I am happy.

Rudeboy once said it may be too much to ask for a life without regrets. That perhaps all we can do is to hope that our joys outweigh our sorrows.

"Sige na Neil. Don't text back anymore. I'll call you soon. I'm really happy you remembered.

Neil, kung wala ka pang boyfriend next year, puntahan sana kita sa birthday mo. (Neil, if you don't have a boyfriend by next year, I was thinking maybe I could come visit you on your birthday.)"

He didn't reply.

A few days later, I was drinking at a bar near my place with a friend, catching up while dancing to 80s, 90s and pop music. I don't think I've ever heard Beyoncé, the Spice Girls and Cyndi Lauper all played in one night.

We were thoroughly enjoying ourselves when sudddenly, my phone beeped. It was a message from Neil.

"Ano? Sa birthday ko?"
-

Gossip Girl: Teenage Dream (I)

-

Previously:
Where Time Stands Still
A Decade After (I)
A Decade After (II)




When the summer heat fades and the rains start to fall, we all know it's time for Kane's birthday. But overnight, our favorite blonde birdie has turned into a brooding chap. What's responsible for this metamorphosis? Or should I say, "who"?

From what we hear, it's Kane and Neil: Happily Never After. They say parting is such sweet sorrow, but wouldn't it be nice if just for once it didn't have to be?



"Hey K!!! You've been awfully quiet the whole week," Carlo texted me.

"I am quiet =)," I replied.

"Ahhh. How are you? Everything okay?"

"I'm okay C. As good as can be expected, I guess."



In the weeks that followed since Neil left, Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou won a vote of confidence from lawmakers, easing concern the European nation would default on its debt. Storms battered the Philippines, causing floods and damaging crops and houses. Adele secured a seventh week at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 with her song "Rolling in the Deep" while Gossip Girl star Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio were spotted hanging out more and more often.

 

And as for me, I resumed work apologizing for the days of absence. Fran and I took a little trip to Iloilo to visit old churches, and I went back to hanging out and clubbing with my friends. Life was slowly returning back to normal.

 

Or so it seemed.

Little may have changed on the surface but I would be at the grocery buying milk, some cans of tuna, a bottle of vodka, perhaps some detergent and toothpaste and I'd see a couple laughing and teasing as they make their way into the aisles. And then a thought would come unbidden into my head. That could have been us. And I'd squash the idea quickly, vowing never to entertain such notions.

I immersed myself at work, and I'm doing better than ever. I had an excellent review, I'm being asked to write more and more regional and global stories, and I received news my company might send me to cover the ASEAN foreign ministers meeting in Bali next month. Perhaps it is true; when your personal life goes up in smoke, it's time for a promotion at work.

I fucked a boy; the moans, grunts and motions matched the script, but it felt like I was an actor acting out a role. And not a very good one at that. I remember that kiss and I knew I was using sex as a tool to blunt the edge of that memory.

Will I ever forget, I wondered? Or will I compare every other kiss with that one for the rest of my life?


 

It was raining horrendously one night and I was at home listening to Katy Perry sing "Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love".  Ahhhh, to feel like a teenager again. My birthday was approaching and the music was making me feel dreamy and nostalgic.I suddenly missed being young, beautiful and carefree. Now all I feel is old, scarred and weary.

There I was, deep in thought when suddenly I saw an email from Neil land in my mailbox. An email? From him? We had spoken briefly once and that was just to check that he got home safely.

 

And then I saw the subject.

Blog.



Those four-letter words stared at me and I stared back as my eyes slowly filled with fear.



Oh my fuckin' God! He read the story. How did that happen? Neil doesn't read my blog except the few times I told him to, when there were stories I wanted to share. I never meant for him to read about what I did and how I felt for him; it wasn't supposed to happen this way.

I stood up and paced the room back and forth, I was nervous and I didn't know what to do. Why did he write? What did the email say? I was deathly afraid of the answer.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally summoned enough courage to open his letter.

 

I read it. You finally wrote me down.

I remember and know everything we did that night. On my part, they were all deliberate actions although I know I wouldn't have done those without the help of alcohol, of course.

I tried to tell you that I love you once, and you shut me up before I can even get those words out... and now, I can't seem to say them at all.

Kane, I can never be so drunk that I do not know what I am doing. That being said, I knew everything that was going on in Boracay that night. I could've stood up walked to the shore with you and have a perfectly sane conversation ... but I didn't.

Because a lot went through my head after that night we kissed. A lot.

I almost wanted to whisk you off to Toronto. But I don't think you'd like that. I'd marry you but you'd probably resent that eventually.

I don't know what I want to achieve with this letter. I really don't.

But you wrote me down and I thought I'd write you down as well, although I won't have readers for this one, well, you're my target audience anyway. So.

You do know that I love you, right?

But you and I are like that card that Sandy has; the one where this guy is sitting on a tree stump. The tree is growing under the earth, the roots are spreading, but since there's this fat ass sitting on the stump, it can't grow outwardly. Guess who that fat ass is.

Love,
Neil

 



My mind was reeling in shock. Oh God ... Can this be real?






The problem with fairy tales is that they set a girl up for disappointment. In real life, the Prince goes off with the evil stepsister. The Princess kisses a frog and it remains, well ... a frog. Or the spell wears off and two lovers realize they're better off as friends.

But I'll confess. Every once in a while, a girl craves for a fairy tale ending. So go ahead K, blow out that candle. Looks like you just had a wish come true.





XOXO



To be continued ...
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The Knight in the Shining Mask

_
Some beginnings start so quietly you don't even notice they're happening.

People were starting to arrive at the ball. I was chatting with a couple of my friends when I suddenly noticed a guy smiling at me. He was wearing a blue mask and I couldn't recognize him.

And then I realized, it was him. F.

He looked gorgeous, standing there in a black shirt that showed off his arms and chest.

I was so surprised it was a good thing the mask hid the excitement that I felt. He came, I told myself. Wow.



I had a crush on F ever since I saw him two months ago. We haven't really gone out because he says he is still trying to get over someone and that he isn't ready to date.

But he promised he would attend the ball.



I introduced him to my friends and everybody loved him. He was charming, polite, and delightful.

"Well, well K. Suddenly, it feels like 2008 all over again," V told me after seeing F. "You may be getting older, but you still like handsome."



At one point during the night, F told me he wanted us to go to somewhere more private.

"Let's go somewhere where there are less people," F said.

We walked over to a room and sat on the bed.

"So why do you like me?" F said.

"But I never said I like you," I replied.

We both laughed.

"But seriously, you're exactly the type of guy I shouldn't be liking," I said. "You're a red flag as my friends would say."

"What? So I'm a red flag?," F said, visibly surprised and agitated. "So your friends don't like me."

"No, come on. It's not that," I said. "But you are still not ready to date and you clearly have issues."

I was about to say something more when suddenly he turned towards me.


Oh my God.
He's leaning forward.
Is he going to kiss me?

Oh... my... God...

He is kissing me.



And just like that, the red flag turned into a white flag. And I surrendered to his kisses with wild abandon.


F slept over. After he went home, I never heard from him again… until last night.



Ladies, looks like this story might just have a second act. Let's hope it's not a tragedy. XOXO

Gossip Girl Birthday Ball Season Three: The Aftermath

On the Upper East Side, it's easy to think that the world is exactly as it appears. Refined, elegant, imposing. But sometimes, all it takes is a little alcohol to open the door to the wild side.

The birthday ball has ended, and are you ready for the 411 on what's up and who went down?

Word is the boy from Brooklyn finally made it to the East. Who knew G would learn the trick so quickly: to get over a guy, you need a new guy. Or in this case, two.

Looks like the virgin blogger isn't as pure as he pretends to be. Who's your Daddy, G? Talk about doing the nasty, or should I say, being nasty.

And as for AA, you left Manila a star, but with your exploits last Saturday, you landed back a supernova.

Spotted: a very drunk AA sleeping in the halls of the Palace hotel. Looks like you didn't disappoint the tabloids after all. Talk about almost being locked up in jail.

Oh no. We warned you no good would come from such a temper. You just get all tangled up in your anger. Until you're trapped in a prison of your own making. Smile for the camera AA.

And in the other side of the room: Spotted RC: faced with a reversal of fortune after switching roles. Who knew wearing a mask would bring out his other side? A top or a bottom to be: is that the face or the mask I see?

Like all good things, the masquerade ball must come to an end. True natures are revealed. And for some, tricks are turned into treats. Like our birthday boy K.

Happy birthday K. Word is the debutante debuted a prince. And made K's birthday dream come true.

But too bad for K, when morning comes, reality intrudes and the dream begins to slip away. And all you have left are the memories.

So dream a little dream of me.

Tales from the ball:
E
Guyrony
Mugen

Gossip Girl Birthday Ball Season Three: Preview

In Manila, some parties are open to everyone. Others are semi-private. But the most coveted of all are those that are strictly VIP.

With only a couple of days left, the talk of the town is who's in and who's out in this year's list. From BFFS to FBFs to NFFs, ex GF and ex BFs, everyone's just dying to get in.

For the uninitiated to the complicated world of masquerade balls, the rules are simple: Pretend you're well-bred, be polite, and the most important of all, choose your escort wisely.

Who knows when a hand on the hip can lead to a knife in the back.

But what's a party without a scandal? Wonder who will make it to the top of my list this time around. Here's a rundown of the possible contenders:

Spotted: Exiled Queen and BFF AA rushing to catch the last plane out of China. Is he bringing good tidings? Or are we in for a nasty ending? Looks like K is in for a surprise.

Word is reticent blogger R is making his first public appearance at the ball. Do we sound the trumpets, strumpets?

And as for V, looks like the chase is on for C . So is it true that third time's the charm or is it strike three and you're out?

But let's not forget birthday boy K. Word is he may have an escort to the ball, after all. Better put on that lip gloss ladies. Looks like you'll be kissing his ring by the end of the night.

But be careful K, we heard this one has got excess baggage. Lots of it. Hope you learned your lesson from the last time.

So thank God it's almost Friday, but Upper East Siders, we all know weekends were never meant for sleeping. So put your best mask on and let the games… begin!

Turning 86

My Tita Lyding turned 86 last week. She suffers from arthritis and can barely walk, her hearing is impaired so we all have to raise our voices so she can hear us, but her mind is still sharp.

I first met her when I came to Manila in 1993. I was 13 then, a young lad from the province, a probinsyano, just about to enter high school. I knew little about life in the big city. Tita Lyding, or Tita Deng as I often call her, was not a blood relative but she took care of me just like her own son.

Since she rarely has the chance to go out, I decided to fetch her from Antipolo and take her out for a night in town.

"O, did you take a bath ba?" I asked her after she got in the car.

"Yes, of course! Three times!" she answered.

"Paamoy nga," I said and embraced her. Her perfume smells of lilac, and old roses, just like I remembered. "So are you ready? Baka mapuyat ka."

"I'm prepared to go home by 6:00 a.m.!" she told us.

"Naku! LAX na ito! Did you bring your dancing shoes Tita Deng?" my close friend Georgie said.

"I brought my third leg," she replied, brandishing her cane, laughing.

That's what I love about my Tita. Her humor and zest for life hasn't faded. She refuses to become an old grumpy lady who complains about everything in her life. Never mind that walking is painful. Never mind that she can't hear the world as much as she used to. I would sometimes catch her pretending to have heard something just to spare her the embarassment of having to repeat "Ano yun?" again and again.

"I'm always happy to see you Kane," she told me.

"I'm happy too Tita. Happy 86th birthday my love," I said.

I brought her to my favorite Filipino restaurant, Bistro Filipino, and we had drinks afterwards with my friends.

What do people want when they're 86, I wondered?

"So, Tita Deng, what is your birthday wish?" I asked her as she sipped her mango margarita.

She was quiet for a moment.

"One more year," she said, smiling at me. "And I want another dinner like this next year ha!"

One more year, I thought to myself. So this is how it ends. When you're younger, you dream of wealth, travel, love, a great job, a great man, great sex and a lifetime to enjoy them all. And at 86, all you ask is for one more year.

I suddenly realized the vast distance of almost six decades that separates my Tita and I. She looked at me and at that moment, we both knew she knew she was approaching the end of her life. How does she feel, I wonder? And when that time comes, how would I feel?

Our finiteness being human is what ultimately gives our lives meaning, I think. It is because we know things do not last forever that we value them. It is the time we spend with our loved ones knowing death comes, the joy of watching children grow up knowing they will not be children forever, the struggles of today knowing there is a promise of a better tomorrow.

The years fly by.

As the poet Andrew Marvell put it in his poem, “To His Coy Mistress” – “And at my back I always hear, / Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.”

Maybe one day I will be 86 and someone will ask me what is my wish. I would remember my Tita Deng, and smiling I'll say, "One more year".

The Kiss

It was the first Gossip Girl Birthday Ball.

M and I had just started going out, and all my Upper Eastsider friends were curious to meet him. I always likened him to Lonely Boy, the guy nobody knew, though in truth, he looked more like Nate with his strong cheekbones and high-bridged nose.

"So. What? Now you're dating some guy you don't know?" my friends would ask.

"Well, he can't be worse than the guys I do know," I'd reply, giving them a mischievous look.


That night, I wore a bowtie. I wanted to pretend I was Chuck, sophisticated and polished. But at some point, I knew I had to stop acting and be who I really was: that girl from Constance who ruled over the steps of the Met. I quickly changed into a pair of red leggings and put on a red headband on my head. My friends loved it.

I was very nervous, worried how M would take it. After all, it's not everday you suddenly see the guy you're dating suddenly transform from Bass to Waldorf.

I slowly approached him and said, "So, are you shocked?" I will never forget what he said.

"Kane, I like you. I don't care if you're wearing a red headband or red leggings... I like you," M told me, smiling.

And then he kissed me, in front of everyone, red leggings and all.

That was the first moment I fell in love with M, the moment when you tell yourself, "This boy, this man, he's really something."

Fearless

-

Fran, my ever-delightful best friend, and I were hanging out one lazy Sunday afternoon.

"I can't believe it hun. I'm turning 30," I said.

"Hunny!!! You're actually 30!" Fran said.

"Well, don't go looking at me like I'm some kind of relic," I said laughing.

"So seriously, how do you feel?" she asked.

I sat down beside Fran and handed her a glass of Chateau Pauillac.

"Well, honestly, I didn't think I would be happy after what I went through last year," I said "But, surprisingly, I am happy."

"When I was younger, I had fantasies of how I would be like by the time I turn 30. I dreamt of owning an apartment in some strange city in a foreign land. Somewhere like Istanbul or Budapest overlooking the Danube river, perhaps. I thought by this age, I would be in a happy relationship. And guess what? Hahaha. None of it came true," I told her.

"I mean when you're 21, 30 seems so far away. And I told myself, you can fuck 21, 22, 25, 27, but hopefully by thirty, you'd be married to a wonderful man and you'd live happily ever after," I said.

"So none of it came true… but I realized, it's not so bad," I said. "At the end of the day, I may have only myself but I have myself."

"Wow, hun. I am proud of this new fearless you. But then, you weren't really cowering before," Fran said.

"I don't know. Something in me has changed, I have changed. I am no longer afraid of pain, or loneliness. Things that can be difficult to accept," I said quietly.

Fran looked at me and smiled.

"I'm so excited and curious for you hun. You really are in a different place," she said.

"I really am no? I surprise even myself sometimes. And isn't that the best thing of all?" I said, laughing

"It's great how we can surprise ourselves. That we are not afraid to be different from what we we were a year ago," she said.



I have been thinking a lot about age and birthdays and the unavoidable, incessant passage of time. People say age is but a number, but lest we forget, it is still a number.

"But you don't look 30!!!" my friends would tell me.

"Oh, but I feel like 30," I would answer.

It's there, in the lost friendships, and shattered dreams. In the way your heart can ache that never did before. It's in the quiet memories that you struggle to forget.

These things age a man, when he starts to understand the joys and sorrows of life. To find love and lose it. To meet death in its many forms. And happiness with its many faces.



It was the New Year of 2010. I was on a rooftop watching as the fireworks lit the sky like a thousand tiny suns. And I told myself, isn't it a wonder that each one in this city, at this exact moment, is saying a wish.

"I hope my son finishes his college degree."
"I hope I can find a job soon."
"I hope I'll find love."

Each person, secretly wishing that maybe this year will be better than the last. I was one of them.

And out of the blue, my friend and former teacher in college Gad sent me this:

"In the coming year, you will find that, of course, it is possible to give oneself with wild, unbound passion again. And again and again.

Wisdom like that has to make the new year a good one."

You were right Gad. It is a good one.

-

Come Into My World

I am breaking my rule on writing; which is to write like no one is reading.

For the very first time, I am writing to someone. I am writing to YOU, my fellow blogger, reader. (I dislike the word follower; makes you feel like you're some kind of Messiah, doesn't it?)

I started writing as a way to make sense of my break-up last year. I didn't write to make new friends, I didn't write because I wanted to be heard. I wrote for me.

Writing helped me create some sort of structure; a way to step back and look at things from a different perspective. The experience was cathartic and I learned many things about myself in the process.

Over time, I met other Filipino bloggers and made friends with a few. But I have always considered myself mostly unknown in the blogger world.

Recently, I noticed more and more people are reading my blog. It is not as many as the thousands of people who read other writers but I was surprised that there were at least 160 people who read what I wrote yesterday.

I probably know around 20 of those people so I am wondering who the rest are. Who are you?

And since this is a year of crossing boundaries, I am celebrating my birthday this July and I would love for you to come. Yes, you.

I am informing you early so you can prepare a mask for the ball. You can wear whatever you want; shorts, sando, t-shirt, it doesn't matter.

The important thing is you MUST wear a mask.

Yes, it will be outrageous. No, it won't be uptight. Yes, it will be exciting as you get to meet all of my friends, the boys and girls of the Upper Eastside. No, it won't be scary, well, maybe a little.

It would be an honor to meet you, especially those who have shared their thoughts on some of my stories. You know who you are.

If you say yes to a fun, crazy night, to new friendships: please email me at kanesulfur@gmail.com so I can inform you the details of the event.

Go on... Be brave... Take that step and open the door...

Gossip Girl Birthday Ball Season Three

Hey Upper Eastsiders! Summer's scorching but the one thing everyone's dying for is the annual Gossip Girl Birthday Ball. And it looks like the mask is the accessory du jour.

So, will there be a case of a mistaken identity? They say people use masks to conceal who they are, but what happens when the masks come off and everyone shows their true color?

Beware, heed the words of a king: Look like an angel, talk like an angel, the devil in disguise.

XOXO

May Day's Eve

You must take a candle," she instructed, "and go into a room that is dark and that has a mirror in it and you must be alone in the room. Go up to the mirror and close your eyes and say: Mirror, mirror, show to me him whose woman I will be. If all goes right, just above your left shoulder will appear the face of the man you will marry."
---Nick Joaquin, "May Day's Eve"
 

 
It is May again. In ancient times, summer began on Beltane (May 1st) and ended on Lughnasadh (August 1st).
 
They say the first night of May is a night of divination, of romance and lovers, and those who are curious may peek into a mirror at midnight and see the face of whoever it was they were fated to marry.

What is left of the boy I saw on a warm night so many summers ago?

Hello NC, my 30-year old friend.
I hope the years have been kind to you. Some birthdays are happier, some sadder, but I hope each one will be meaningful.

Remember this day, for you will never get it back. Like many things in life, youth, alas, is so fleeting.

Love, as always,
Kane



"I heard you cry for a distant love who will never come back
I saw your face in a flood of tears, your eyes so empty
But now hear me, I know you never want to hurt me
I know you can't resist it, in your dreams you taste my lips

And somewhere in the deepest part of your dream
At the edge of this mountain
We just close our eyes and breathe

'cause somewhere in the deepest part of my dream
At the edge of this mountain
We just close our eyes and breathe"

NC wrote back.
You say the most beautiful things Kane. And I love you for that.


NC celebrated his birthday by filing for divorce from his husband. They were married for three years.

All Good Things Come to an End

"They flaunt out their beautiful leaves in the sun,
And they flirt, every one."
---Ella Wheeler Wilcox, "A Reminiscence"

"Kisssss. Kissssss. Kiss kayo ni Kane," Arlan said to Cj. Cj, looking uncomfortable, was smiling at us. 
"Nahihiya ako eh," he said.

"Sige na. Go! Go!," V said, egging us on.
"Nakakahiya," Cj said, smiling shyly.

"Ano ka ba. Parang ganito lang yan," V said, and then suddenly he kissed me, slowly. We were both aware our friends and Cj were looking at us, and we put on quite a show. Our kiss ended.

"Sige na. Go," V told Cj.
Emboldened by what he had just witnessed, Cj and I kissed.

"Kayo naman ni V," Arlan said to Cj.
"Gooo! Goooo!," I said.
Cj and V kissed.

"Pinaglalaruan niyo ako," Cj said.
"Umayos ka, enjoy na enjoy ka nga eh," I said.

Arlan and Cj then kissed, then V and I kissed, then Arlan and V kissed, and then Arlan and I kissed.

It was a Sunday night and I wanted to go out for three reasons: to party on a Sunday night with V, to celebrate Eric's birthday, and to see Arlan before he goes back to China.

I was so excited to see Arlan that night. He is one of my best friends and I have missed him terribly. He used to be my banger sister before he moved away. We spent countless night boy-hunting or being hunted, getting drunk, partying. We used to dance like there was no tomorrow.

Arlan is the type of guy who can get away with many things. He can just literally grab a guy, charm him off his shoes and the guy would leave his friends and join us. Then we work on the guy, flirt with him, tease him. That night, we decided to choose Cj.

Cj was fair, lean with a cute, boyish smile you could spot the moment you entered the club.

K: Grabe, ang bad natin. Hindi man lang natin kinausap yung friend ni Cj.
Eric: OMG! May friend pala siya?
K: OMG! Hindi mo alam na may friend siya?
Eric: Hindi.
K: Grabe, ang unfair ng mundo. Mahirap talaga pag hindi ka pretty. The pretty girls get all the luck.

Everyone in the club was staring at us. We were dancing and drinking and laughing and singing out loud. The music was good, the drag show was fun. Eric went up to the stage and joined the performers. He wore their wigs and a boa and gamely posed for the camera.

And when they played "Ang Huling El Bimbo" by the Eraserheds, that's when the crowd roared.

Edward, who from the start told all of us gusto nyang manlalaki, met five guys that night, including a surgeon we all crushed on and a guy with a huge tattoo on his right biceps.

Guy with tattoo watching us kiss: Tang-ina. Tinitigasan na ako.
Edward: Naku, mahirap yan. Relax ka lang. Relax lang.

V met a guy and they locked themselves inside the restroom. (What's with restrooms, anyway?)

I wasn't in the mood for boys that night because I wanted to be pasaway. I painted my nails black and teased my hair.

While going to the loo:
Guy: "Hey, what's your name?"
K: "Kane"
Guy: What's your number?
K: Later.

Another guy introduced himself.
Guy: Grabe ang fun ninyo ng mga friends mo. And I really like your hair.

K: Grabe honey, it's like I'm doing everything to NOT meet a guy and still, I get boys. I mean, I painted my nails black. I teased my hair. I wore shorts. Nakakaloka.
V: Well, honey, pretty goes a long, long, long way.

The next day, the boys who got our numbers kept asking the same thing. Tuwing kailan kayo lumalabas? Kailan kayo babalik?

I wanted to freeze time that night. Encapsulate the moment. Hold it, cherish it. But all good things come to an end, as Nelly Furtado sang. Arlan leaves tonight. Eric's birthday has passed. And all we have left are our memories. Like a movie that replays in my head, I remember our endless laughter, and hugs, and kisses that night.

 
 
"I'd like to stay here just like this,
It's just a momentary bliss."
---311, "Freezing Time"

Love Game

"Let's play a lovegame, do you want love, or you want fame?"

Dear V,

And so the years have passed, and we may not be where we wanted to be. But we are here, aren't we?

"slightly weathered, slightly worn"

We look at the world and perhaps for the very first time, we are seeing things the way they really are. And you know what? I see you V, and it's a beautiful sight. Happy birthday honey. I love you, but you already know that.

I hope you find love again. Love is game, they say, but as Hungarian-born socialite and actress Eva Gabor (who you share a birthday with) once said, love is a game that two can play and both win.

So, what are we waiting for? Let the games begin!

Love,
K

Farewell to Youth

N,

Hello old friend. They say age is but a number, but what people forget is that numbers are a very real thing. In one week, I am turning 29. As I prepare to cross that border between 20-something and 30-something, I suddenly realized I will miss me, the young me.

I will miss the Kane who was just discovering the world; seeing, tasting, touching, feeling sights, sounds, emotions for the very first time. God, what a ride it's been. I think I have never been happier as I was during this particular period in my life.

Do you remember when we first met? All this was just a dream. 30 seemed so far away, and we thought youth would never end. And now here we are, both nearing the end of a decade. Time stands still for no one.

Each year, our problems become more and more complex. We discover beautiful and ugly things about the world, and, ultimately about ourselves. We struggle to be good, knowing that each choice puts us a little bit closer to or farther from where we want to be.

I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Will it be as exciting and thrilling as yesterday? Will we find happy ever after? Does older mean wiser? Too many questions, too little time. But we won't stop, won't we.

K

Gossip Girl Birthday Ball Season Two: The Hamptons Ball

Hey Upper Eastsider! Gossip Girl here. Top story on my blog today: everyone's favorite it girl K's birthday ball.

We hear on the fourth of July, everyone's heading east… to the Hamptons. Think Park Avenue princesses but in tennis whites and golf trousers.

Will this year be any different from the last? Because it looks like our friends from the other side of town got themselves an invite to the inside. From NFFs to BFFs to FBFs, everyone's just dying to get in.

The players may change but the game remains the same. After all, unlike the rest of us, sex, lies, and scandals never grow old. So who says game over? When the clock strikes 12, let a new game begin.

XOXO