Grateful

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Previously:
Fearless

Gossip Girl: Teenage Dream (I)

I woke up alone in an empty hotel room. Plastic cups were scattered all over the tables, couches and on the kitchen sink along with some McDonald's fries and chocolate cake leftovers.

I looked at the clock and saw it was eight in the morning. I had barely two hours of rest. My head was hurting from the lack of sleep and alcohol intake from last night. I took a deep sigh and started cleaning up the mess.

So this is how it feels like to be thirty one, I told myself.  Just when I had gotten used to the sound of thirty, I had to add another syllable. Thirty … one.

Thirty one is such an awkward age. Thirty was the end of a decade, the start of a new one. It heralded so many things; the promise of maturity, a more comfortable life, fewer issues, less drama, and perhaps love.

Or so I thought.



I was feeling strangely sad as my birthday approached. I brushed it off, told myself it was just the usual birthday blues. I guess birthdays are that one day in a year that you long to feel special. I haven't felt that way in a long time.

I missed spending my birthday with my family. I miss my Mom and Dad, my Shobe. I don't have a boyfriend and my friends have been … well … busy with their own lives.

A couple of days after my birthday, Neil and I had a chat. He had just spent the previous weekend partying during the gay pride celebration in Toronto.

"Gay pride was a blast but it always leaves you empty," he said. "One million faggots and not a single one to … oh whatever. LOL. Birthday mo na Kane."

"Well… it was actually two days ago."

"Akala ko 5? Kaya naman ako nag text kasi sabi sa kalendaryo ko 5. Sorry!!!"

"It's okay Neil. I heard old age does that to you. Makes you forgetful," I teased him. "I still appreciate it."

"How was it? Did you do anything special?" Neil asked.

"Well, it wasn't one of my happiest. But it taught me something important," I said.

"Not the happiest, but it was still happy I hope. What did it teach you?



Vackie, Edward and I had decided to rent a room at a hotel and invite a few people over on the eve of my birthday. Nothing fancy, really. Just a quiet night with friends. Vackie, Edward and Arlan didn't show up.

Vackie and Edward eventually apologized days later. I accepted their explanations and told them it's okay. But I realized, just because you understand, it doesn't mean you don't feel bad pala. I haven't heard from Arlan.

I have been grappling with the changes in us; these people are some of my most cherished and loved among my friends, and I miss them.

"Hay Neil, I was sliding into depression when out of the blue, a wise friend told me a simple fact. Life has its different seasons. Even friendships, I guess."

"Nangungulila lang siguro ako. I'm tired of being alone. Pero perky na uli ako :)," I told Neil.

"Mabuti na lang you have wise friends. I usually have to face that battle alone," he said. "Count your blessings. Buti naman at perky ka na."

"I do, I do. I guess it's because I give myself so much to my friends. They're my family here kasi, but people do disappoint you. But you become more understanding rin pala. More forgiving. Gawd, is this maturity?"

They're not just my friends, they're my family. Because my family lives far away, my friends have become more important to me. They're the ones I talk to everyday, to ask how your day was, to share your stories with.

Sometimes, when you give yourself to a person; be it a friend, a lover, a husband, a wife, you expect certain things in return. That they value you, that they give back. That things won't change. But friendships are relationships too, and like most things in life, they change too.

As André Aciman said in his essay in the New York Times titled The Day He Knew Would Come

"...this is how it always is and has been: things come and then they go, and however we bicker with time and put all manner of bulwarks to stop it from doing the one thing it knows, the best thing is learning how to give thanks for what we have."

Perhaps, that day had come. If last year was about learning to be fearless, this year was about teaching myself to be grateful. And I am. I am incredibly lucky, and I realized despite the hits and misses in my life, I am happy.

Rudeboy once said it may be too much to ask for a life without regrets. That perhaps all we can do is to hope that our joys outweigh our sorrows.

"Sige na Neil. Don't text back anymore. I'll call you soon. I'm really happy you remembered.

Neil, kung wala ka pang boyfriend next year, puntahan sana kita sa birthday mo. (Neil, if you don't have a boyfriend by next year, I was thinking maybe I could come visit you on your birthday.)"

He didn't reply.

A few days later, I was drinking at a bar near my place with a friend, catching up while dancing to 80s, 90s and pop music. I don't think I've ever heard Beyoncé, the Spice Girls and Cyndi Lauper all played in one night.

We were thoroughly enjoying ourselves when sudddenly, my phone beeped. It was a message from Neil.

"Ano? Sa birthday ko?"
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Gossip Girl: Teenage Dream (I)

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Previously:
Where Time Stands Still
A Decade After (I)
A Decade After (II)




When the summer heat fades and the rains start to fall, we all know it's time for Kane's birthday. But overnight, our favorite blonde birdie has turned into a brooding chap. What's responsible for this metamorphosis? Or should I say, "who"?

From what we hear, it's Kane and Neil: Happily Never After. They say parting is such sweet sorrow, but wouldn't it be nice if just for once it didn't have to be?



"Hey K!!! You've been awfully quiet the whole week," Carlo texted me.

"I am quiet =)," I replied.

"Ahhh. How are you? Everything okay?"

"I'm okay C. As good as can be expected, I guess."



In the weeks that followed since Neil left, Greek Prime Minister George Papandreou won a vote of confidence from lawmakers, easing concern the European nation would default on its debt. Storms battered the Philippines, causing floods and damaging crops and houses. Adele secured a seventh week at No. 1 on the Billboard Hot 100 with her song "Rolling in the Deep" while Gossip Girl star Blake Lively and Leonardo DiCaprio were spotted hanging out more and more often.

 

And as for me, I resumed work apologizing for the days of absence. Fran and I took a little trip to Iloilo to visit old churches, and I went back to hanging out and clubbing with my friends. Life was slowly returning back to normal.

 

Or so it seemed.

Little may have changed on the surface but I would be at the grocery buying milk, some cans of tuna, a bottle of vodka, perhaps some detergent and toothpaste and I'd see a couple laughing and teasing as they make their way into the aisles. And then a thought would come unbidden into my head. That could have been us. And I'd squash the idea quickly, vowing never to entertain such notions.

I immersed myself at work, and I'm doing better than ever. I had an excellent review, I'm being asked to write more and more regional and global stories, and I received news my company might send me to cover the ASEAN foreign ministers meeting in Bali next month. Perhaps it is true; when your personal life goes up in smoke, it's time for a promotion at work.

I fucked a boy; the moans, grunts and motions matched the script, but it felt like I was an actor acting out a role. And not a very good one at that. I remember that kiss and I knew I was using sex as a tool to blunt the edge of that memory.

Will I ever forget, I wondered? Or will I compare every other kiss with that one for the rest of my life?


 

It was raining horrendously one night and I was at home listening to Katy Perry sing "Let's go all the way tonight, no regrets, just love".  Ahhhh, to feel like a teenager again. My birthday was approaching and the music was making me feel dreamy and nostalgic.I suddenly missed being young, beautiful and carefree. Now all I feel is old, scarred and weary.

There I was, deep in thought when suddenly I saw an email from Neil land in my mailbox. An email? From him? We had spoken briefly once and that was just to check that he got home safely.

 

And then I saw the subject.

Blog.



Those four-letter words stared at me and I stared back as my eyes slowly filled with fear.



Oh my fuckin' God! He read the story. How did that happen? Neil doesn't read my blog except the few times I told him to, when there were stories I wanted to share. I never meant for him to read about what I did and how I felt for him; it wasn't supposed to happen this way.

I stood up and paced the room back and forth, I was nervous and I didn't know what to do. Why did he write? What did the email say? I was deathly afraid of the answer.

After what felt like an eternity, I finally summoned enough courage to open his letter.

 

I read it. You finally wrote me down.

I remember and know everything we did that night. On my part, they were all deliberate actions although I know I wouldn't have done those without the help of alcohol, of course.

I tried to tell you that I love you once, and you shut me up before I can even get those words out... and now, I can't seem to say them at all.

Kane, I can never be so drunk that I do not know what I am doing. That being said, I knew everything that was going on in Boracay that night. I could've stood up walked to the shore with you and have a perfectly sane conversation ... but I didn't.

Because a lot went through my head after that night we kissed. A lot.

I almost wanted to whisk you off to Toronto. But I don't think you'd like that. I'd marry you but you'd probably resent that eventually.

I don't know what I want to achieve with this letter. I really don't.

But you wrote me down and I thought I'd write you down as well, although I won't have readers for this one, well, you're my target audience anyway. So.

You do know that I love you, right?

But you and I are like that card that Sandy has; the one where this guy is sitting on a tree stump. The tree is growing under the earth, the roots are spreading, but since there's this fat ass sitting on the stump, it can't grow outwardly. Guess who that fat ass is.

Love,
Neil

 



My mind was reeling in shock. Oh God ... Can this be real?






The problem with fairy tales is that they set a girl up for disappointment. In real life, the Prince goes off with the evil stepsister. The Princess kisses a frog and it remains, well ... a frog. Or the spell wears off and two lovers realize they're better off as friends.

But I'll confess. Every once in a while, a girl craves for a fairy tale ending. So go ahead K, blow out that candle. Looks like you just had a wish come true.





XOXO



To be continued ...
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A Decade After (II)

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Previously: A Decade After (I)

There are moments that mark us forever, and I knew this was one of them. Change was coming. I knew that I will return from that island a different man. After tomorrow, whatever happens, things will never be the same again, that I understood.

"And when is this historic flight, Amelia?" Rudeboy asked me.

"Tomorrow, at dawn," I replied. "Wish me luck?"

"The same to you, 
But I can't regret what I did for love, 
what I did for love."

"Ahhhh Rudeboy... What we did for love, indeed," I said. "Somehow, I think I know how you feel right now. Like you're watching something you've seen before."

"Au contraire mon ami. I'm actually uncharacteristically rooting for romance this time," he said wistfully.

"Ahhh… love will be the death of us, Rudie," I said, shaking my head.

"Fly with my fondest hopes Kane," he said.



That night, I hardly slept a wink. My mind was filled with troubled thoughts and strange emotions. The ghosts in my head were teasing me, taunting me.

"What will you tell him?"
"How will you tell him?"
"What if he says no?"

What I was planning to do was dangerous. I knew neither of us was really ready; that the timing wasn't perfect. Neil was still hurting from his divorce, I knew that. Sometimes when I look at him I ask myself: where is it, that thing inside of you, cutting you, where is it?

 
 
"How did you do it?" he asked me once.
 
"Do what?"

"Forgive Manuel."

I thought carefully what to say.

"Well, I did it because ayokong malugi (I didn't want to be on the losing end). Sometimes, we think that by holding on to the anger and the pain, we are hurting the other person," I answered slowly. "But in truth, we are only hurting ourselves."

"Manuel could be perfectly happy and here I am, still an angry and bitter man. I didn't want to be that kind of person," I continued. "So I let go. And the irony is, it is when we let go that we truly become free."

"Mabuti ka pa. (You are fortunate). I'm not yet okay Kane," he quietly said, looking at me.

"It's okay Neil," I said. "It's okay. You'll get there."

 
 
The flight was delayed so I arrived at the island almost noon. There I was, my backpack in one hand, my heart in another. This is it, I told myself.
 
I texted Neil, but he didn't respond. Ahhh, he could be swimming and left his phone in his room, I said to myself. I walked around to get some food. I tried calling him again after an hour, but there was still no response. I was getting worried.

Where is he? Why is he ignoring me? He knew I was coming to see him.

Finally, someone did pick up. Neil had left his phone in his house before going to the airport, the woman said. Was there any way I could contact him? I asked. No, there isn't, she said.

 
 

I suddenly realized the gargantuan almost impossible nature of the task facing me. I had to find Neil by literally walking all over the island in the hopes that I would bump into him. There was no other choice.

So I walked. And walked. And walked. I walked for hours, I walked nonstop. My feet were tired, my body sore, but I forged on.

And then dusk came. It was heartbreaking. I was exhausted, worried, and I still haven't seen him. Where is he? The sun begun its slow descent into the night sky; and as the heavens turned purple and orange, I felt it was as if the sunset was stealing the very last rays of my hope.

The island was plunged into darkness and I could no longer see afar. My chances of finding him became slimmer and slimmer. Where is Fate when you needed her?

I decided to rest for awhile before looking for him again that night. It was the only remaining chance I have of seeing him and talking to him. He was leaving tomorrow.

It was past midnight when I walked out to check the local clubs and bars. And then I saw him. My heart jumped.

I approached him but there was something wrong. And then I saw that Neil was completely wasted, drunk. He was incoherent. I wasn't even sure he recognized me. I begun to panic.

Fate can't be this cruel; to bring us so close together only to tear us apart. No, Neil cannot be drunk. I needed to tell him something, didn't I? I tried to revive him.

"Neil… are you okay? Huy," I pleaded.

He stared back at me with his glassy eyes, squinting once in a while. But he wouldn't respond. He was dead to my cries. After a while, his friends carried him off to bed.

I never saw him again.






There comes a time when warriors lose a battle. Defeat comes to us at some point in our lives. More and more, I have come to regard it as an old enemy, always there to snatch my happiness away.

Some might say what I did was foolish. Perhaps. Some will say maybe it wasn't the right time. Perhaps. Some will say it may never have been meant to be. Perhaps.

I stood at the shore as the island slowly came to life. Early birds were rushing to swim at the sea, hungry lovers walking the shore in search of a delicious breakfast. The sun had risen, a new day has begun. But inside, I felt like something died. Hope withers... again.



And then Fran texted.

"Hun, while this didn't turn out to be the pleasant surprise we hoped it would be, it still is a surprise... At how much you can feel for a boy after all these years, at how much courage you have walking the shores of Boracay in search of a hint of a promise, and how much strength you have to rise above the circumstance.

You might not have gotten your fairy tale ending. But honey, you are the fairy tale. Because it is not how the story ends that makes the tale. It is how it goes on and on and on...."

I broke down.

"Oh Fran, when did you get so wise?" I told her while sobbing.

"Hush hun. Sige lang. Just let it out. There will be another time," she said, comforting me.

The weight of my loss came crashing down on me. I cried for all the dreams that may never be. For all the times I fought for love and lost. Lagi na lang bang ganito? (Is it always this way?)

I was spent. Neil was gone, leaving me behind with all this love for him inside of me and no one to give it to. I don't know when I will see him again. Five years? Three years?

Crushed and defeated, there was only one thing left to do.

"It's time to go home, old timer," I said to myself. "Time to go home."
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A Decade After (I)

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 Previously:
The Marrying Kind



"Hey, so how was last night?" Vackie asked me.

"Honey… I kissed someone. And it was electrifying. That one kiss… changed me."



24 hours earlier



Neil was in town for a vacation and we were dining in one of my favorite restaurants in the city. A thunderstorm had suddenly appeared, heralding the last days of summer and Manila was drenched. The place was empty except for us.

"So… how long has it been?" Neil asked me.

I was looking at him, noticing the changes in him. The years have taken its toll on both of us.

"Three years and five wrinkles ago," I said, and we both laughed.

"That long huh," he said.



I remember that day clearly. It was winter in San Francisco and since we were both in the city, we agreed to meet by the giant Christmas tree in Union Square. It was my first time to travel to the U.S. and I was giddy with the thrill of seeing a place for the first time, but I was excited to see Neil more than anything else.

It was cold and the winds in San Francisco are gusty. I was running around the park, looking for him, but there were too many holiday shoppers and families out that night and I couldn't find him. I called him.

"Where are you?" I said.

"I'm here waiting for you, beside the tree," he said.

"Where? I can't see you."

I looked around, my eyes peering intently, and suddenly the crowds parted. And there he was… smiling at me. He looked even better than I remembered.



But that was then. At that time, he was married to David in Canada. I was with Manuel then, and those were some of the happiest times in both our lives. I remember how our faces glowed in the dusk.

This was a photo of their honeymoon in Cuba. They looked so happy.

The years have passed. Neil and David eventually divorced. Manuel and I broke up. We are older now, and sometimes I wonder how much of that boy I first met remains in him.

We were both 19, in the throes of youth, when I fell madly in love with him. He spoke my language and understood my stories. He and I would read each other our favorites books and poems for hours. But alas, he had a boyfriend, and we quietly decided it was best that we remain friends.

Neil and I had gone through many changes in our lives. I left for Europe after college, and we would write each other letters when I was away. He was here when I came back. A few years later, it was his turn. He left for Canada. He did not come back.

We have had numerous lovers and we would tell each other about the current men in our lives. But deep down I always thought Neil and I would end up together one day. Perhaps, when we were both ready. I fondly call him my Mr. Big.



"So are you with someone right now?" Neil asked me during the dinner.

"Ahhhh Neil. I fear I am always the date, never the groom," I replied, smiling at him. "You?"

"There's this guy I'm going out with," he answered..

"I'm glad you have someone," I said. "Tell me about him. How are you?"

Neil proceeded to tell stories of his life in Toronto, the work that he does, the house he is designing for his parents, his travels in South America, the men he dated. When he asked me about the men I dated, I told him about Chris the concubine, Denver the boy from Denmark, and Dwayne who I met in the street. Our eyes were animated and we laughed so much, never mind the rain pounding the windows of the winery.

"Grabe, I've missed you," Neil said. "It has been awhile."

"I know. But sometimes, you know, I feel like it's as if we never said goodbye," I told him. "It's like the years and months and days just melt away."

"So you and I are okay like this, right?" he suddenly asked me. "As friends?"

The question caught me by surprise. What did he mean? "It's just that you're so far away," I answered tentatively.

"But how will you know? How will you ever know?" he said.

How indeed, I wondered.



We were both a little tipsy and that night we kissed for the first time in 11 years. Baby, you're a firework, the words rang in my head.  That kiss contained all the yearning and desire I have felt for him all these years. It was magical.

And it was then that it hit me. I am in love with him.

I have searched far and wide and I have fallen in love and out of love many times, but life does indeed come full circle. Neil is the man I want to be with, I realized. It has always been him. That no matter the changes in us, despite the ocean that separates us, we are still inexplicably drawn to each other.

That kiss forced me to confront who Neil really is to me, no more hiding behind half-truths and veiled words like we always have before.

This was the first poem we both loved.

Star-crossed
by Ronald Baytan

This is our fate.
You are a waterfall,
and I, a stream;
You will forever flow through me,
but I shall never contain you,
and you will never wash me away.

Who knew how prophetic those words would turn out to be.
 
 
 
Neil is going back to Toronto this Saturday. He left Manila today for an island getaway. I realized I don't have a lot of time left. Do I dare tell him how I feel? Or do I wait again?
 
Suddenly, I realized I want to be brave. I don't want to wait another decade. So tomorrow, I am skipping work to catch a plane to go to an island to tell a boy that I love him.
 
 
 

My thoughts right now are muddled. I am worried, scared of how he will react. What if he doesn't feel the same way? How can I compare to the beautiful and sophisticated men he meets in Canada? His ex-husband David is a dashing, handsome Eastern European I feel so ordinary. Plain.

And even if he does feel something for me, so what? We live so far away from each other. I can't ask him to move here and I don't want to give up my life and move there.

So I fear, we will be as what we have always been. Somewhere in between, skirting the shadow and the light. Never really together, never quite apart.



No matter, at least, he would know who he really is to me. After all these years.
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