The In-Between

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Previously:
Gossip Girl: Mi Querida Señorita

"So, are you seeing anyone?" I asked her.

"Yes," Fran replied. "And he's married."



"Hey hun, kamusta?" I asked.

"I'm okay. Eto, drinking on a Tuesday night," Fran said. She laughed, and it was bitter. The type that cuts you up like tiny blades, hard and dry. Fran had just broken up with her boyfriend of two years, a man she had deeply loved. It was an agreeable decision but things are starting to get messy.

"Wow … someone's starting the weekend early," I quipped. "You okay?" I sighed.

"Not really." She paused. "Inis ako hun. He told me he was going to be out of town last weekend but he got back pala Saturday. Nakita ko lang kasi na tag siya sa isang photo."

"So I texted him 'I didn't know you were back'." And he replied, "Oh, I didn’t know you wanted to be informed."

"I said, 'I didn’t know you didn't want me informed.' And that was it."

"Naiinis talaga ako hun," Fran repeated. "He's cutting me off. Fuck. That's what I do. I cut people off. But this time, I'm on the receiving end. I thought he was better than this."

"I'm sorry honey," I said, trying to console her. "I guess it sucks when people disappoint us. Nakakainis no?"

"Are you sad that it ended, or how it ended?" I asked.

"I'm sad it ended. But I'm not sad how it ended. I'm angry at how it ended."

I laughed. "I can just imagine how you feel. It must have been like a complete shock. Like Pearl Harbor. You were caught in a stealth attack!"

"Bravo! Round one goes to him," I said. "I'm excited what happens in the next round. What if he becomes sweety sweety uli?"

"Ayy naku," Fran said. "I won't be caught off-guard again. This time, my defenses are up."

"Hahahaha. We'll see honey whether those walls will hold."



That night, I got to thinking. Is it our fault that we let our walls down and let people in? Was all the joy we experienced worth all the pain once a relationship ends? Is there really an un-messy break up?

Earlier this month, Carlo and I were giggling talking about the love month and all the excitement it brings. But February is ending. This morning, I woke up and felt it. It's the season between the seasons. It's no longer cold but neither is it blistering hot. I call it the in-betweens. It makes me feel incredibly nostalgic and a wee bit sad, like something's slipping away and you try to hold on to it. But you can't.

Seasons come, and then they go. That's just the way it is. Just … the way it is.
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Gossip Girl: The Last Days of Disco

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Previously on Gossip Girl:

The Valley Girls



Morning Sleepyheads! Time to wake up from bad dreams, roll out of our beds and start making plans for a brighter future. Even if it means we need to leave the past behind.

"We are now processing the 'Application of Immigrant Visa & Alien Registration' form and I need some information from you. I am scanning you a copy of the draft form for you to fill out the missing information in a separate piece of paper … "

The letter went on and on but all I could do was read the first line over and over again. So this is it ... the time has come.

I shouldn't have been so surprised. I have always known I would leave the Philippines one day. When I was twenty two, my mom, dad and my sister migrated to the U.S. I was left behind because I had exceeded the age limit mandated by their law.

My parents eventually petitioned for me and well, it looks like I am finally coming home. Or … was I?

Home is such a powerful, visceral word that resonates in every human being, the idea of a place where you belong. But somehow, over my years of growing up, it has seemed to elude me, how it always felt like it was here but inexplicably over there at the same time. Every part of me seemed miles and centuries apart and each place and time called itself my home.
 
Where ... or what ... or who is home?
 
I left my hometown Cotabato City when I was thirteen to study in Manila. I lived alone for four years and stayed at a dormitory. I suppose I was forced to grow up much faster than a normal young boy. I had to take care of myself, buy my own groceries, budget my own money, plan my schedules, be independent.

My parents were always supportive but they were just so far away and it was at that age when plane fares would cost an arm and a leg. And  we weren't rich. So visits were far and few in between.

My sister eventually joined me when she came here for her college education. Those were some of the happiest years of my life. My sister and I share an intimate bond that I think … no, that I know will last forever. And yes, Rudeboy, I know forever's an awfully long time. Such a word isn't to be taken lightly.

So I know I should be happy that I will be joining them, but why do I feel more sad than joyful? I suppose, instinctively, I knew this is one of those life changing moments in our lives, that I was leaving a place and a time I can never go back to. Because when I do go back, I would no longer be the same man. And people and friends would have changed and moved on with their lives. And all that's left, sometimes, are our memories of days gone by.

Manila is the sum of everything that I am and more; who I am when I drink and dance with my friends on Saturday nights, who I am when I wake up with a stranger in my bed, who I am when I get lonely during cold nights, who I am when I find love, who I am when I lose it.

Yet it seems I must go away and leave it all behind to find my future.

 
 
 
"Honey, I have news," I told Fran and took a deep breath. "My visa might finally come anytime soon."
 
"Oh," she replied, caught by surprise. "Wow. When do you think you're leaving?"

"Sometime next year. I'm trying to delay it until around July," I said. "It's all very uncertain but we still have some time," I said and smiled at her.

She nodded. "I'm happy for you hun. I've always known you were meant for great things, you were always bound for somewhere else. Somewhere not here. And you finally get to be with your family."

"I know. But … you're my family too Fran. I mean, we raised each other. All of the boyfriends and mean girls and break-ups and crazy family dramas, we learned through it together. You're my best friend."

"Do you think I'll make it there?" I asked her quietly. "Do you think I'll be lonely? What will I do without you Fran?"

"All I know is you will shine, like you always have, like you always will," Fran said as she tried to reassure me.

"I'm not so sure about that," I replied.

"I am," she said. "Ikaw pa. (You of all people.) It looks like you're heading to one big adventure hun. I only wish I can be there to share it with you. Aren't you excited?"

"I guess it's because ang saya saya ko dito (I guess it's because I'm really, really happy here)," I said wistfully.

"I know. You have a comfortable life, money, an amazing job, wonderful friends, you get to travel and you get a lot of boys. For most people, it's enough," Fran said.

"For most ... sigh."

"Except, you're not like most people. I know it's hard to leave but I know you also know you need to do this," she continued.

"I do hun, I do. Manila's getting too comfortable, and I still have other dreams to fulfill." I said.

"I guess this is it huh," I finally said and gave her a smile.

"I guess it is," Fran said.

And all in an instant, everything changes. We leave the past behind and speed toward the unknown. Our future.

But no matter how old we get and how far we go, we always need a place to call home. Because without the people you love most you can't help but feel all alone in the world. But only time will tell ... if they'll stay or leave you too.

XOXO
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From Russia, With Love

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Russia is offering agricultural land to Southeast Asian nations to grow crops and help secure reliable food supplies, part of wider efforts to foster trade and investment ties in new markets.

“We suggested today to companies in the region to enter the Russian market given its large scale and to establish themselves to produce food for your own supply,” Deputy Economy Minister Andrei Slepnyov said yesterday in an interview in Manado, Indonesia, where he is attending a meeting of the Association of Southeast Asian Nations trade ministers.

Andrei went on and on but it was getting hard for me to concentrate. He was speaking in Russian and an interpreter translated it into English, but all I could think of was his piercing blue eyes that seemed to see right through me.

"Honey, the way he was looking at me … I swear …" I told Carlo.

"Like how?"

"Like he wanted to do ... things ... to me."

"Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Hahahaha. I love …" Carlo said. "So how does this Andrei look like?"

"Your typical northern Slavic man with strong jaws, a prominent chin, aqualine nose, blue eyes, and did I mention arms that could lift you?"

"Hahaha. So what did you do?"

"I tried to tell him that I love him … but it got lost in translation," I said. "Oh well. Sigh."

"You should have used sign language," Carlo chided me. "I heart you!"

"Ang hirap naman kasing i sign language ang 'You like Asian boys?" (I know! But I couldn't figure out how to say 'You like Asian boys?' in sign language.)

Last month, my company sent me on my first overseas assignment to Bali. "We need you to cover this," my bosses told me.

U.S. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton heads for talks with counterparts from China, North Korea, Pakistan and more than 20 other nations to discuss a range of security issues across Asia. From tensions in the South China Sea to a fractured relationship with Pakistan and ongoing uncertainty on the Korean peninsula, the Asean Regional Forum is the only gathering that brings such a diverse group face to face.

The meeting will test how far the U.S. goes in backing its Asian allies in territorial disputes with China, which last year labelled Clinton's comments on the topic ``virtually an attack." Eased tensions between the world's biggest militaries may lead to greater cooperation and help deter terrorist threats, North Korean aggression and incidents over oil and gas resources in the South China Sea.  

But I am not familiar with any of these things, I wanted to say. I was nervous and scared. But you got to roll with the punches.

"Sure. When do I leave?" I replied.

"Next week."

"Plane leaving. Eat Pray Love. After India, Bali here I come!" I texted my friends as I flew out of Manila.

I could scarcely imagine my good fortune. Finally, all those days, weeks, months, and years of hard work were paying off. I made it, I told myself silently. I made it.

This year is turning out to be one of the best years of my life. Somehow, I feel like everything is exactly where they should be.

They must have been pleased because after Bali and three weeks later, here I am on another assignment in Manado. Manado is the closest point to the Philippines from Indonesia. I know because when I check Grindr, the closest guys I see are those in Davao. 600 kilometers away. Go figure.

Sigh. Looks like it's going to be all work and no play.

"Honey!!! Walang lalake diyan?" Fran asked me. She called to catch up and make me jealous of all the great sex she's been having. Her lover Craig is in town for a three-week rendezvous, and apparently, every night feels like the last night.

"None," I said. "But don't worry. I came here prepared. I had sex four times the weekend before I left. I know… I know… it's a lot no? Does that make me a slut?"

"Oh honey… you know how we detest labels," Fran replied. "But four????????? Hahaha. How did you do it?"

"I don't know. I must have been so stressed, tired, and vulnerable so when they said 'Hi!' I said 'Yes!!!'"  

"Hahahaha. I love it!"

"Hay. I'm so easy no? But what can I do?" I asked.

"Why nothing," Fran said. "The important thing is: men like us."

"Well ... you know, sometimes I wonder why. And they always want a part two. Is it because we're nice and polite and charming?"

"Not to mention intelligent and engaging," Fran added. "But who are we kidding? The sex must have been sooooo good!!!" she screamed and we burst out laughing.

So there I was ... in a strange city yet people mistake me for a local. It was almost midnight and I was about to leave for the hotel from work. Fran and I laughed and talked until the tiredness vanished. I was away, but sometimes, all it takes is a familiar voice to make you feel like you're home.

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A Decade After (II)

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Previously: A Decade After (I)

There are moments that mark us forever, and I knew this was one of them. Change was coming. I knew that I will return from that island a different man. After tomorrow, whatever happens, things will never be the same again, that I understood.

"And when is this historic flight, Amelia?" Rudeboy asked me.

"Tomorrow, at dawn," I replied. "Wish me luck?"

"The same to you, 
But I can't regret what I did for love, 
what I did for love."

"Ahhhh Rudeboy... What we did for love, indeed," I said. "Somehow, I think I know how you feel right now. Like you're watching something you've seen before."

"Au contraire mon ami. I'm actually uncharacteristically rooting for romance this time," he said wistfully.

"Ahhh… love will be the death of us, Rudie," I said, shaking my head.

"Fly with my fondest hopes Kane," he said.



That night, I hardly slept a wink. My mind was filled with troubled thoughts and strange emotions. The ghosts in my head were teasing me, taunting me.

"What will you tell him?"
"How will you tell him?"
"What if he says no?"

What I was planning to do was dangerous. I knew neither of us was really ready; that the timing wasn't perfect. Neil was still hurting from his divorce, I knew that. Sometimes when I look at him I ask myself: where is it, that thing inside of you, cutting you, where is it?

 
 
"How did you do it?" he asked me once.
 
"Do what?"

"Forgive Manuel."

I thought carefully what to say.

"Well, I did it because ayokong malugi (I didn't want to be on the losing end). Sometimes, we think that by holding on to the anger and the pain, we are hurting the other person," I answered slowly. "But in truth, we are only hurting ourselves."

"Manuel could be perfectly happy and here I am, still an angry and bitter man. I didn't want to be that kind of person," I continued. "So I let go. And the irony is, it is when we let go that we truly become free."

"Mabuti ka pa. (You are fortunate). I'm not yet okay Kane," he quietly said, looking at me.

"It's okay Neil," I said. "It's okay. You'll get there."

 
 
The flight was delayed so I arrived at the island almost noon. There I was, my backpack in one hand, my heart in another. This is it, I told myself.
 
I texted Neil, but he didn't respond. Ahhh, he could be swimming and left his phone in his room, I said to myself. I walked around to get some food. I tried calling him again after an hour, but there was still no response. I was getting worried.

Where is he? Why is he ignoring me? He knew I was coming to see him.

Finally, someone did pick up. Neil had left his phone in his house before going to the airport, the woman said. Was there any way I could contact him? I asked. No, there isn't, she said.

 
 

I suddenly realized the gargantuan almost impossible nature of the task facing me. I had to find Neil by literally walking all over the island in the hopes that I would bump into him. There was no other choice.

So I walked. And walked. And walked. I walked for hours, I walked nonstop. My feet were tired, my body sore, but I forged on.

And then dusk came. It was heartbreaking. I was exhausted, worried, and I still haven't seen him. Where is he? The sun begun its slow descent into the night sky; and as the heavens turned purple and orange, I felt it was as if the sunset was stealing the very last rays of my hope.

The island was plunged into darkness and I could no longer see afar. My chances of finding him became slimmer and slimmer. Where is Fate when you needed her?

I decided to rest for awhile before looking for him again that night. It was the only remaining chance I have of seeing him and talking to him. He was leaving tomorrow.

It was past midnight when I walked out to check the local clubs and bars. And then I saw him. My heart jumped.

I approached him but there was something wrong. And then I saw that Neil was completely wasted, drunk. He was incoherent. I wasn't even sure he recognized me. I begun to panic.

Fate can't be this cruel; to bring us so close together only to tear us apart. No, Neil cannot be drunk. I needed to tell him something, didn't I? I tried to revive him.

"Neil… are you okay? Huy," I pleaded.

He stared back at me with his glassy eyes, squinting once in a while. But he wouldn't respond. He was dead to my cries. After a while, his friends carried him off to bed.

I never saw him again.






There comes a time when warriors lose a battle. Defeat comes to us at some point in our lives. More and more, I have come to regard it as an old enemy, always there to snatch my happiness away.

Some might say what I did was foolish. Perhaps. Some will say maybe it wasn't the right time. Perhaps. Some will say it may never have been meant to be. Perhaps.

I stood at the shore as the island slowly came to life. Early birds were rushing to swim at the sea, hungry lovers walking the shore in search of a delicious breakfast. The sun had risen, a new day has begun. But inside, I felt like something died. Hope withers... again.



And then Fran texted.

"Hun, while this didn't turn out to be the pleasant surprise we hoped it would be, it still is a surprise... At how much you can feel for a boy after all these years, at how much courage you have walking the shores of Boracay in search of a hint of a promise, and how much strength you have to rise above the circumstance.

You might not have gotten your fairy tale ending. But honey, you are the fairy tale. Because it is not how the story ends that makes the tale. It is how it goes on and on and on...."

I broke down.

"Oh Fran, when did you get so wise?" I told her while sobbing.

"Hush hun. Sige lang. Just let it out. There will be another time," she said, comforting me.

The weight of my loss came crashing down on me. I cried for all the dreams that may never be. For all the times I fought for love and lost. Lagi na lang bang ganito? (Is it always this way?)

I was spent. Neil was gone, leaving me behind with all this love for him inside of me and no one to give it to. I don't know when I will see him again. Five years? Three years?

Crushed and defeated, there was only one thing left to do.

"It's time to go home, old timer," I said to myself. "Time to go home."
-

Fran and the Kings of the Cup

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Fran was going out with Zion, an Israeli, earlier this year. They had great sex and great talk. She thought he was everything she wanted until she learned he had been telling people she was stalking him. She has not seen him since May.

"Honey!!! Oh my God! Zion will be at the sports bar tonight," Fran said while savoring a grilled chicken fettuccine at Italianni's last night.

"So, what's the game plan?" I asked her.

"I don't know," she replied. "All I wanted to do was enjoy the World Cup. I'm so stressed."

"What do you want from him exactly?" I said.

"Last time, I said that I will pour a bottle of Cerveza Negra over him the next time we meet," Fran said. "But now, I definitely don't want to do that. I would only humiliate myself."

"Good," I said. "Although that would have been quite a scene. I bet you'd steal the spotlight away from the game."

"I'm planning to invite Fifi, the French guy I'm seeing," Fran told me. "He texted me a couple of nights ago to say he was sick but that he wants to see me again."



Ladies, forget Spain and Netherlands. Looks like it's France versus Israel tonight. Will the Holocaust crush the French revolution? Or will the Queen let them eat cake?



"Oh honey. You know what really sucks?" I said. "A year from now, you won't remember this night because of the World Cup. It's really still all about Zion, right? Whether he comes, or not. If you see him, you'll get upset. If you don't see him, you'd still get upset. If he talks to you, you'll get upset. If he ignores you, you'd still get upset. Nakakainis diba?"

"So what do I do?" Fran asked me. "It feels like whatever I do, I end up losing the game."

"You can always get out of the game. But I guess sometimes we don't get to choose our scripts. We just have to play the role, at least for tonight," I told her. "You'll be fine honey. We'll get through this, like we always do."

I smiled and gave Fran a big hug. Be brave, little one.



The next morning, I received a text from her.

"The World Cup concludes with Spain winning over Netherlands at 1 - 0 with additional time. Similarly, France gets a point for braving the possibility of an encounter while Israel was a no-show.

But unlike football, you don't win this game by forfeit. The enemy must be annihilated. Mostly in a figurative sense. Though we wish it to be literal sometimes.

Conclusion: None. Apparently, this game too needs additional time."