Friday, November 26, 2010

The Marrying Kind


A few years ago, I wrote this.

I first met Neil almost a decade ago. I call him by a secret name; my ___ ___. If you're reading this Neil, it's still the same two words.

We were young, naive, curious about the world. We both love books and we would read to each other our favorite stories and poems. As the years passed, we discovered the world and liked what we saw. We grew older, lived in different cities, and one day, I learned he had married another man. Some beautiful boy who hails from Eastern Europe; the land of Kundera, paprika and goulash.

To this day I still know the exact spot in EDSA where I was at when he told me the news. Some things, you never forget.

We chatted recently and I asked him to tell me about his two years of marriage and the married life.

"It differs per person, I think.," Neil said.

And then he said it.

"And honestly, Kane, I think you're not the marrying kind."

My chest suddenly constricted. I was shocked and hurt but didn't know how to react. In my head, I was thinking "How could he say that?"

Here he was, my ___ ___, telling me he thinks I'm not the "marrying kind". It felt awful, especially coming from someone who was married and apparently, happy being married.

After a few minutes, Neil sensed that something was wrong.

"I didn't mean that one comment as an insult okay?" he said.

"I know," I replied. I was still.

"You know what I mean right?"

"I know."

"What I meant was I think you'll have a hard time finding a man who'd be able to keep up with you."

Keep up with me? What does that mean? But deep down I knew, all too well. This man who I haven’t seen in more than three years could still tell things about me, things that perhaps I did not realize or did not want to realize. I knew there was some truth in it, and the truth is not always kind.

At the end of the day, I think what people want is a love that lasts forever. But such a love is hard to find, or keep as we change. People do change, and sometimes they change too little. Or too much.

Neil has found his happy ever after and I do envy him that.

I still dream of love. I know I am a little unusual ... It's hard for me to find someone who understands my stories. Not just understand ... but love my stories. And love me.

But I'd like to think that there are others who will also choose the path less traveled. Perhaps the yellow wood won't be so lonely after all.

Neil and his husband divorced after three years of marriage.

"Tang-ina (Fuck) Kane," he said. "I'm married and divorced before 30. My parents don't even know I was married to a guy. How can I tell them I'm now divorced?"

"But imagine, when guys would flirt with you and ask if you're single, you get to say 'I'm divorced'!"

"Hahahaha. It's not everyday you meet a divorced gay guy huh."

He was quiet for a while. "I'm never marrying again, you know. I'm done with marriage. Tried it, it didn't fucking work."



rudeboy said...

I was going to react to this:

"Neil has found his happy ever after and I do envy him that."

And then I read this:

"Neil and his husband divorced after three years of marriage."

I do not doubt that there are happy ever-afters. However, as your friend discovered, many ever-afters turn into nevermores.

LTRs require a lot of work and love is just one the ingredients. Many people lose interest when what used to be burning passion inevitably settles into glowing embers. I guess that's why they say you have to fan the flames every so often to keep the fire burning.

But that's too much work for most. Easier, I suppose, to start another fire rather than keep the flickering one alive.

But love was never easy. At least, not the one that lasts.

Désolé Boy said...

As per reading Rudeboy's take, I think there are happy ever-afters depending in which angle of the story you'll look. Just a thought.
Anyway, I blurted "fuck that" reading the part when he said "you'll have a hard time finding a man who'd be able to keep up with you" coz someone already told me that.
I'm frowning just by thinking coz I cannot comprehend how is that. Is a relationship a race? Do you really have to be on par with your partner in every aspect? Just my questions.

Yj said...

para ka daw kasing si Kris Aquino...

mahirap maging asawa... hihihihihi

Momel said...

I lived in with the love of my life for five years. My siblings know the guy, and they had nothing but nice words for him when my Ma asks about me. They're 25 and 28, she's in the States, and when she found out that we broke up, she sent me this wonderful email that had nothing but love in it. The part where she said "kung puwede ko lang akuin lahat ng pain niyo eh ginawa ko na," completely floored me, and I never expected something like this from my darling Aurora.

I guess I am the marrying kind, or something. We broke up, but what made the transition easier for me was knowing that my family supported what we had going on for five years. We were closer after we broke up, and that's enough.

What I'm saying is that there's always an equalizer.

Fucking drama.

engel said...

i think at some point everyone'll be a marrying kind. we just won't realize until we met someone. i'm not saying the one but someone.

Anonymous said...

funny, i am not the marrying kind either.

(that i know, even without someone telling me...)

hi kane. :)


Fickle Cattle said...

They call that irony.

paci said...

uhmmm is that an incubus in the painting?
argh relationships. long-term.
i'm lost really especially when i'm on the verge of its impossibility.

Peter said...

Does it matter? Take care, Kane.

Yas Jayson said...

I imagine you have a weird smile like that of a bitter victory when you found out that he was unsuccessful in his relationship. char lang. HAHA!

ןıuǝ oɟ ɟןıƃɥʇ said...

i guess the real question is: do you think you're marry-able? and why/why not?

Guyrony said...

We can never have the best of both worlds.

P said...


i love this post! seriously, it reminds of such time in my life where i asked myself why... why in a sense i knew the answers to my questions yet not able to accept the reality of this so i question god as to why...

anywho, i believe in magical moments, up to now, the ever undying romantic side of me would flutter with thoughts of happy endings... that side of me which gets hurt over and over again believes that somewhere inside all of us... we are all the marrying kind...

well, at some point that is...

for the time being, maybe we all just have to wait, stick up with life, play with cards we've been dealt with and enjoy life in single blessedness and friendships that we create...

priceless relationships... short-lived or momentary... we all learn from it...

so K, sweetie, you are the marrying type... you will get there... =)


♥N said...

Marriage is so over-rated.

Well, this of course comes from a girl who has already been married, and the divorce that I endured was not worth any of the "benefits" of being married.

What is the "marrying kind" anyway? It sounds terrible, from my point of view. It almost seems as though the marrying kind is perfectly content to live within a certain boundary. Does marriage really bound love? I feel that love is more true when there are no boundaries and no marriage to keep it intact. You can just love, without a paper commitment, but with a commitment that you simply keep because you want to do so.

ʎonqʎʇıɔ said...

When I read the first part, I was like Oh dear. At least my namesake found someone.

And then I read the second part and I was like oh crap.

So magkaka sequel ba ang kwento niyo? Maybe things have changed. Baka ikaw na ang marrying kind ngayon. :)

miss u, biatch.

Anonymous said...

rudeboy read my thoughts and stole my lines. mutual commitment... it is what makes happy ever afters ever after happy.


kiel estrella said...

ako - self-confessed marrying kind.

basta, happiness is a decision. anyone can decide to be happy regardless of 'civil status' (single, coupled or married). the common mistake is to make your significant other the main determinant of your level of happiness

Kiks said...

i agree with kiel. for a lot of us, we let the other "half" determine the level of our involvement, our happiness.

i am not the marrying kind, however.

as for you, kane, ika nga ni melanie, you can never can tell.