Monday, November 22, 2010

That Kind of Girl


Dwayne and I started hanging out regularly ever since that night. And it was fun. Dwayne was fun to be with. I've forgotten how enjoyable the attention of a young man can be.

"Alam mo ba (You know), I put in the log book under reason for visit - to make out and hopefully have some light sex with Kane," Dwayne told me while we were eating the creamy seafood pasta and citrus salad he brought.

"Gago ka talaga. Di nga? (Come on, serious?)" I replied

"Kahit walang sex, okay na rin naman. (Well, it's okay even if there's no sex.) Halika nga dito (Come here)," he said, pulling me until I was on top of him. I could feel his throbbing erection.

We kissed and I tasted the butter and cream in his mouth. Delicious.

"When can I see you again?" Dwayne asked me.

Dwayne is a sweet thoughtful young man and he is amazing in many ways. He would drop by at home and bring me food after his work, and over dinner we would talk about how our day went. I rediscovered the pleasure of eating supper … and eating supper with someone.

How are you? How was your day? How was work?

The small talk couples usually have, the insignificant chit chats we don't realize form and strengthen our bonds with our lovers.

But sadly the more we talked, the more I discovered how we are un-alike. And it was The End of the Affair that sealed our fate.

I was narrating the scene where Sarah Miles realized God had agreed to her bargain: her lover Maurice Bendrix lives but in return, she is never to see him again. I have always wondered at the fairness of such a contract: Sarah's lover's life in exchange for her fidelity to her husband. Can God be so cruel? Or, so kind?

When I finished, there was … silence. I was waiting for a reaction, something like "wow" perhaps but Dwayne remained quiet. Then suddenly he said, "Gusto ko yung kinuwento mo (I like the story)" in an utterly unconvincing voice.

I nodded, but I had a sinking feeling in my stomach.

Oh Dwayne, I thought in my head, this is why you and I can never be.

"Oh my God. Hindi siya pumasa! (He didn't pass the test!)" Neil said, after I told him what happened. "Ang hirap naman kasi ng exam na binigay mo; The End of the Affair talaga. (Of all the topics, you had to choose the hardest. The End of the Affair.)"

"I know. But Neil, I need someone who understands my stories," I replied. The way you do.

"Hayyyy… there are a lot of guys no Kane, but only a few will really get you. You're too much kasi minsan (Sometimes, you are just too much)," he said. "I remember you telling me about that story, though. Na-miss ko tuloy mga kuwento mo. (I suddenly miss your stories.)"

Dwayne's question jolted me back to reality. I realized what I had to do. It was time.
"Dwayne, teka lang (hold on). I think we need to talk," I said and straightened up. I looked at him seriously.

"What about?"

"Huwag ka masyadong ma-intense. Relax lang. (Don't be too intense. Just relax.)"

"Ha? Hindi naman ako intense. Ano ka ba (Huh? But I'm not intense)," Dwayne said. We were both a little nervous.

"Good. Look, I'm not looking for anything serious right now," I said.

"Bakit hindi? (Why not?)" he asked. He suddenly looked downcast.

"I just have other priorities," I explained. Sometimes a lie is kinder than the truth.

He was very quiet. "Ayaw mo ba sa akin? (Don't you like me?)"

Alam kong nasasaktan siya sa mga sinasabi ko. (I knew what I was saying was hurting him.)

"Dwayne, ano ka ba. Huwag kang malungkot (Come on Dwayne. Don't be sad)," I pleaded. "I do. I think you're amazing. But I guess I still like being single; I still want to meet more guys, have sex with more men."

I knew what I said probably hurt him more. Perhaps what I said what unnecessary. But I wanted to make myself clear and not create false hope. And telling him I'm a slut is the least painful way to do it. Better me than him. Better that I'm the bad guy. At least he doesn't have to feel he wasn't enough. Or at least, not that much.

I smiled wanly and took his hand.

"Besides, you can't be all that surprised Dwayne," I slowy said. "Nakalimutan mo na ba? (Have you forgotten?) I'm the guy you picked up sa kalye (at the street) to have a threesome. I'm that kind of girl."

"Nothing's so loud
as hearing when we lie
the truth is not kind
and you said neither am I"
---Toad the Wet Sprocket, "All I Want"


eon said...

ouch. pero at least hindi ka paasa.

Yj said...


mas nagkainteres daw ako sa threesome? anyare?


rudeboy said...

Sometimes a lie is kinder than the truth.

Too true. Especially in cases like this, where loving, hopeful innocents simply do not measure up to our own personal standards.

Truth's a bitter pill, but not everyone deserves that kind of medicine. Your sweet placebo was dishonest, Kane, but kind. And in cases like these, I suppose kindness outweighs anything that could be gained from telling the ugly truth.


Désolé Boy said...

sakto sa pagkaubos ng sigarilyo ko natapos ko basahin
me, i still prefer the truth coz i think i deserves it.
what you said though is interesting, giving me what-if-scenarios now

hidden mark said...

i guess i would have done the same thing. it would still hurt. hopefully much less. having been a "dwayne", i can only take so much pain

Guyrony said...

Dwayne wasn't all that surprised because you were the guy he picked you up.

But then again, you never expected him to pick you up.

Ah, false hope, how the world would be brighter without this phrase.

Mu[g]en said...

When a lie is better than the truth, stick with the lie and tell it to everyone.

When the truth appears more pristine than most people believe, keep the truth to yourself.

I don't know if I make sense. Lol.

Momel said...

You have such regal standards for such a confessed slut. You are hella weird, Kane. And you're cute, too. You are golden. No, unlike two or three of these other guys, I am not hitting on you. You're just too intense, too deep, too much of a thinker for my taste. No, it's not you, it's me.

Wahaha, Cheers Kane!

Eternal Wanderer... said...

i've always relied on the kindness of strangers."

- blanche dubois, a streetcar named desire

engel said...

you couldn't have waited til after christmas? :P

but then again, there's no point in waiting if you're not going to choose him.

dami ka pa naman pwede iflirt dyan. :)

Alter said...

i thought you were in a fancy diner and had meal and didn't even finish half of it and left after having paid the bill and i couldn't figure out if it was the ambience or the dish that went wrong, or was it just -


What surprises me is that you have managed to exit gracefully after telling to yourself: "this is a beautiful, wrong dream."

orally said...

a tactful slut
a very considerate heartbreaker.

i guess you did the right thing considering he's still young.

bravo to you

Anonymous said...

"I rediscovered the pleasure of eating supper … and eating supper with someone."

it has been a while since i read the word supper in a post...

and it made me smile... memories, memories...


Kiks said...

sometimes there are those who are better off as bed partners: just suck, don't talk.

it gets harder after that.

kaloy said...

you Samantha you... :)

Anonymous said...

test? do we really test someone before loving him? cguro IF we choose to love someone. dahil pinili mong mahalin sya, dapat maging karapatdapat sya. but isn't it more often that we already love someone before we even know it? kaya nga kinakanta natin ang "mamahalin kita, maging sino ka man". so which then is the stronger, better love? the love that was consciously, even, willfully grown, or the love that unknowingly but intuitively grew?


drew said...

Sigh, </3.

Peter said...

I feel for him. And admire your courage Kane.

kiel estrella said...

alam mo minsan naisip ko baka naman normal lang na our friends get us and our lovers don't. kasi friendship is governed by commonalities while romance is governed by fascination.

wala lang, naisip ko lang.

Nimmy said...

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. *napakamot ng ulo*

Madame DeFarge said...

I like this, especially because you're the only other person who knows about Toad the Wet Sprocket.

brutaljet said...

Parang audition lang, minsan may callback minsan end of the road for little "Dwaynes". But sometimes we are the "Dwayne" and the tables turn...and sometimes also "Dwaynes" get to audition "Kanes"...

Anonymous said...

i hate you.. shet K.. ang haggard mo mag screen sa mga lalaki.. but then again, isang BIG check.

ako kaya kelan kaya ako mapick up ulit.. lol naiingit bigla.. hehe

better luck next time to D.. hehe


Niccolo said...

I remember lying down in bed with Kane after dinner.. he cooked this scrumptious chicken breast baked on some creamy stuff and had a bottle of wine… perfect! Then, he played a song... A French song... and I thought... wow, class! and he sang the song (parts of it) I said, WOW!!!... and is did not end there!!! he EXPLAINED the song to me!!!!... I nose bleeded (yes bleeded for bled to death). And so I thought, on the brighter side, this is challenging... So i browsed my classical music archive in my head and thought of a song "Elijah Rock" Classical? I'm not so sure, all I know is that it's a choir piece. Kane, there is this classical song that I super love, and I’d like to share it with you…"If I could then I would... stand on the rocks the Moses stood..." and while I was muttering those words, I was trying to come up with some brilliant explanation, interpretation...something!!! up to the last word... NOTHING! I paused, looked blank closely to the ceiling and said "Nice noh?" Fuck you Kane is this about me?!?! OMG LOL! I can only doubt because you have mentioned that he is younger! Hahahaha! shit


Tank said...

a taste of brute and raw honesty. he should be grateful. at least, expectations were made clear.