Monday, June 07, 2010

Fearless

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Fran, my ever-delightful best friend, and I were hanging out one lazy Sunday afternoon.

"I can't believe it hun. I'm turning 30," I said.

"Hunny!!! You're actually 30!" Fran said.

"Well, don't go looking at me like I'm some kind of relic," I said laughing.

"So seriously, how do you feel?" she asked.

I sat down beside Fran and handed her a glass of Chateau Pauillac.

"Well, honestly, I didn't think I would be happy after what I went through last year," I said "But, surprisingly, I am happy."

"When I was younger, I had fantasies of how I would be like by the time I turn 30. I dreamt of owning an apartment in some strange city in a foreign land. Somewhere like Istanbul or Budapest overlooking the Danube river, perhaps. I thought by this age, I would be in a happy relationship. And guess what? Hahaha. None of it came true," I told her.

"I mean when you're 21, 30 seems so far away. And I told myself, you can fuck 21, 22, 25, 27, but hopefully by thirty, you'd be married to a wonderful man and you'd live happily ever after," I said.

"So none of it came true… but I realized, it's not so bad," I said. "At the end of the day, I may have only myself but I have myself."

"Wow, hun. I am proud of this new fearless you. But then, you weren't really cowering before," Fran said.

"I don't know. Something in me has changed, I have changed. I am no longer afraid of pain, or loneliness. Things that can be difficult to accept," I said quietly.

Fran looked at me and smiled.

"I'm so excited and curious for you hun. You really are in a different place," she said.

"I really am no? I surprise even myself sometimes. And isn't that the best thing of all?" I said, laughing

"It's great how we can surprise ourselves. That we are not afraid to be different from what we we were a year ago," she said.



I have been thinking a lot about age and birthdays and the unavoidable, incessant passage of time. People say age is but a number, but lest we forget, it is still a number.

"But you don't look 30!!!" my friends would tell me.

"Oh, but I feel like 30," I would answer.

It's there, in the lost friendships, and shattered dreams. In the way your heart can ache that never did before. It's in the quiet memories that you struggle to forget.

These things age a man, when he starts to understand the joys and sorrows of life. To find love and lose it. To meet death in its many forms. And happiness with its many faces.



It was the New Year of 2010. I was on a rooftop watching as the fireworks lit the sky like a thousand tiny suns. And I told myself, isn't it a wonder that each one in this city, at this exact moment, is saying a wish.

"I hope my son finishes his college degree."
"I hope I can find a job soon."
"I hope I'll find love."

Each person, secretly wishing that maybe this year will be better than the last. I was one of them.

And out of the blue, my friend and former teacher in college Gad sent me this:

"In the coming year, you will find that, of course, it is possible to give oneself with wild, unbound passion again. And again and again.

Wisdom like that has to make the new year a good one."



You were right Gad. It is a good one.
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21 comments:

Guyrony said...

That is what we call Maturity.

Can't wait for your birthday bash!

And yes, I am quite surprised you're nearing 30.

Boying Opaw said...

in fairness, girl, mas matanda pa ako tignan kesa iyo. hahahahaha.

Dhon said...

love love the realization.. :)

Mu[g]en said...

You're one of the few people I know who will age with grace. :)

Anonymous said...

your bday ball this year will be different...well for one no plus one LOL hugs! --E

i'm a narnian said...

honey, this is just an amazing post. Love love love it. Stay beautiful dear.

eon said...

age is only a number. you may not look 30 but your maturity makes some 40, 50, 60 year olds look immature. :)

Anonymous said...

Hindi yan totoo. Ahaha joke lang

lee said...

sheer maturity coupled with wisdom.

this made me smile kane :)

gillboard said...

ang emo kane. your birthday is still a month away.


anyway, i can't wait to turn 30.

anteros' dominion said...

30 OR 19, it doesn't matter..for the beautiful heart in you tells me, you have the maturity of an elder, but with the zest for life of a teener

stay happy!

john stanley said...

fearless - an apt title indeed.

i can't wait to turn 30 as well. see you there in a few. :)

Kiks said...

hmm, fearless... and almost automatically taylor swift comes to mind.

or jazmine sullivan.

well, these two women have to reach your age then before they take ownership of the word.

go k. you have every reason to.

P said...

Well K, age is just a number. You feel old not coz of how you look but how the world threw everything on you, the good and the bad, laughter and tears. It's like playing an online game where the character don't change their appearance but their level goes higher and learn different abilities... that's how you are K! Be happy that you've levelled up learning so much about life!

Kane said...

@Guyrony: Come on, the word maturity puts so much pressure on me! There are days when I can be silly and frivolous too, you know. Hahaha.

@Boying Opaw: Ano ka ba, hahaha. Di naman, exag ito.

@Dhon: Salamat. =)

@Mugen: Thank you dear friend. We will see =)

@E: Oh no. Hahaha. Haven't you heard? The rules have changed.

@Narnian: Salamat. I'm glad you liked it. =)

@Eon: As I said, it is still a number =)

@Anonymous: Aling part ang hindi totoo?

@Lee: I think I know how that smile looks =) I kinda had the same smile when I wrote this.

@Gillboard: Haha. Is it? I thought it was funny and light. =)

@Anteros Dominion: There is so much to look forward to =)

@Joh Stanley: We all have to be brave sometime =)

@Kiks: Salamat Kiko:) You give me courage.

@P: P!!! Online game talaga? Level up? Hahaha. But you would know =) We have grown, haven't we?

dabo said...

hehe.. lovely =)

SOLTERO said...

i wish when i was at ur age ryt now that i already have that wisdom of urs..i'm impressed :P

~Carrie~ said...

30 is the new 20, sugah Kane. Let's live fabulously. :)

Lance said...

We've come to the point in our lives when we can, with almost equal fervor, find solace in the familiar past and excitement for the uncertain future. Where others are enslaved by their dreams and are resistant to change, we have come to embrace the surprise that is called: life in motion.

Happy birthday, Kane! My wish for you is what William Blake wrote in the Auguries of Innocence:

"To see a world in a grain of sand
And Heaven in a Wild Flower;
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour."


I wish that you will always find a grain of hope and beauty in every step of your journey and I wish that your "Hour of Eternity" this year be as majestic as the sunrise – always the same yet never the same. :-)

Kane said...

@Dabo: Salamat Dabo. =)

@Soltero: Oh wow Soltero, nagulat naman ako sa iyo. Salamat =) I'm sure you're wiser beyond your years now. =)

@Carrie: Oh Carrie. 30 is 30. Hahaha. There is a certain unique joy and excitement in every age, every stage.

@Lance: Salamat Lance. Who would have thought you're such a philosopher? =)

I love that poem, too. I discovered that many, many years ago and I think I understand it now more than ever. =) What you wrote is beautiful. I appreciate it.

Yj said...

"At the end of the day, I may have only myself but I have myself."

this, i have to remember... for in less than two years, i'll be turning......

omg i don't even have the courage to say it... i'm scared... waaaaaaaa