Rise and shine, Gossips! Hear those silver bells? It's Christmas time in the city. And in the Upper East Side, it only means two things: gifts and lots of surprises.
We hear this year the Queen is feeling extra generous.
Spotted: Kane doing the nasty with a fatty. What happened to standards K? Wonder what people will say once they find out you've gone chub chasing. Or have you become ... what's the word ... free for all?
When the leaves start to turn and the breeze becomes chilly, I know it's time for my good deed of the year. Long ago, a wise older gay friend told me to invest in good karma and once a year have sex with any one of the following:
1) Someone ugly
2) Someone fat
3) Someone old
4) Someone all of the above
"We all become one of them someday," he said. "But since you're a pretty little thing, you'll never be ugly. Just fat or old. And when that time comes, may God have mercy on you. You'd be praying some cute boy will still have sex with someone like you."
Does God work that way, I wondered? That He'd trade good fortune in return for sexual favors?
I've always chosen ugly or old. But this year, I was feeling a little adventurous and decided to hook up with someone fat.
Wow, I thought when I saw him. He really is big.
Ron told me he was a little chubby, but that was an understatement. He had twice my mass in all the wrong places, if you know what I mean ladies.
I laid out to him the rules of the play. I am not going to be naked. I am just going to unzip. There will ne no kissing nor foreplay. I won't touch, much less suck his dick. When I finished, I saw a look of quiet defeat settle on his face.
He knew. He understood. My terms or nothing... and since the chances of someone like me having sex with someone like him is close to zero, he took it.
But since the holidays were making me feel warm, fuzzy, and charitable, I offered to let him suck on my cock.
"Sige. Chupain mo na (Go on, suck on it)," I said and closed my eyes.
And he did.
Happy holidays everyone! Hope you all get the gift you deserve.
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