Sex Etiquette: The Fuck Buddy

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Charlotte: Excuse me. Fuck buddy? What is a fuck buddy?
Samantha: Oh, come on.
Carrie: A fuck buddy is a guy you probably dated once or twice, but it didn't really go anywhere. But the sex was so great, you sort of keep him on call.
Samantha: He's like dial-a-dick.
---Sex and the City, Season 2

As people seasoned in one-night stands know, casual sex with strangers rarely ends in good, clean, sporting fun. Oftentimes, it is messy and complicated.

Those who desire regularity, comfort and the guarantee of sexual satisfaction with one person without the romance part has found the perfect solution: the fuck buddy.

Fuck buddies have been around for as long as people have been fucking their buddies. But modern lovers recognize there is a new breed of booty call out there: less complicated, much friendlier. Ladies and gentlemen, behold appointment fucking.

This set-up can last months, or years at a time, but some rules must be met. Having a fuck buddy requires separating sex from all emotions attached to it; not just love, but also jealousy, possessiveness and neediness.



Who:
It is necessary to be attracted to each other, that is all that is required. There is no need to have anything else in common.

Both parties must be single or in open relationships.

An ex one is friends with makes an ideal fuck buddy. An ex who has broken your heart is not recommended, though a maximum of three break-up sex may help provide closure. Anything more is a pathetic attempt to rekindle a relationship.

An ex whose heart you broke is off limits until he or she gets over you.



How Often:
Do not make an appointment more than once a week. He or she is not your boyfriend or girlfriend.

If you have been the initiator more than three times without reciprocation, assume your buddy has moved on.

If you wish to move on, simply stop calling or answering the calls.



Conduct During an Appointment:
It is acceptable to be tipsy, but never drunk. Better go home instead and pass out while attempting to masturbate, rather than vomit on your buddy.

Never leave personal items behind.

Everyone gets at least one orgasm.

It is good manners to let the sun down between appointments with different buddies. If you have scheduled two appointments one after the other on the same day, it is required to shower before the second appointment.

A booty call is not "nothing". It is simply something else. No matter how casual the set-up, it is polite to remember your fuck buddy is still a lady or a gentleman, not just a machine.

If you are unable to play well with others, then you are strongly advised to invest in a good sex toy and stop wrecking havoc on the playing field.



All Good Things Come to an End
And so it is with fuck buddies: their endings and beginnings are often arbitrary. It is what makes them work. It is why they need rules. It is what keeps them from breaking your heart.

It is a nice place to visit, but you would do well not to love there.



"One day, you're fucking. The next, he or she is gone."