Monday, February 06, 2012

Use Somebody


Previously:  A Year Ago

"Wait, you mean you're with a guy AGAIN?" Arlan asked me incredulously. "On a weekday night? Don't you ever rest? Weren't you just with that chinito one yesterday and Hermès guy the other day?"

It was a Tuesday night and I was having a couple of beers with Paul near my place, a new guy I met through the world's friendliest planet, PlanetRomeo. When he excused himself to go to the restroom, I took the opportunity to text my friends to gossip about my "date".

"Well … he was insistent. He wanted to meet tonight," I explained. "Besides, mabuti na lang pinilit niya ako because he's cute pala! (Besides, it's a good thing he did because he turned out to be cute!) He's a doctor honey!"

"Grabe ka (You're unbelievable)," A said. "Alam mo (You know what) … I know exactly what to call you... but since I'm a devout Christian I choose not to say the word."

"O    M     G," I spluttered. "You know what … I know exactly what to call you too. But since I'm such a good friend, I will not say the word."

"Hahahaha. What? I'm innocent!" A protested.

"Don't play innocent with me honey. I know you … better than you know yourself," I said. "You and I are not too different, after all."

"Hahahaha. Maybe that's why we're friends," A said laughing.

Looking back at the month that passed, I realized maybe I have gone a little overboard. "Hay … Grabe, can you believe it?" I told Vackie. "Maybe life is indeed a cycle. I'm thirty one but I'm sooo fucking horny all the time I feel like I'm thirteen! What the hell."

"Honey!!! Tirhan niyo naman ako ng lalaki. Ikaw at yang kaibigan mong si Arlan! (Please leave some guys for me. You and your friend Arlan!)" V implored.

"Ikaw naman! (Come on!) Diba we believe in the saying: There's always enough for everyone."

"Well, at the rate you're going, mukhang wala ng matitira sa akin!"

"Well, honey, I can't slow down for you. You just got to keep up! Where's the girl I used to know? You seem so despondent lately."

"Honey ... Valentines na."


Valentines. That dreaded word again. That day when happy couples rub their happiness into your face. So what if you got lots of boys? So what if you have more sex? They're the ones in love and when you sleep at night, you're still alone, aren't you?

"Wow, where did that come from?" I asked. "I wasn't expecting that."

"Honey, sa tingin mo magkakaboyfriend pa ba tayo? (You think we'll still have boyfriends?)" V asked.

I sighed. It has been awhile.

Two and a half years. That is how long I have been single. Can you believe it? I sometimes can't myself.

"So … why don't you have a boyfriend?" people would ask.

I'd shrug, give a little smile and say lightly, "But there's no one to love."

"Why not? A guy like you probably wouldn't find it hard to meet other guys"

That's true, I'd answer to myself quietly. But ... I don't know. Maybe I'm different. Sometimes I envy other people and their ability to fall in and fall out of love quickly. Never mind that the relationship doesn't last very long. Who wouldn't mind having someone during his birthday. Or to be warm during Christmas.

I was reading stories I had written previously and I came across the something I wrote about my last boyfriend in November of 2010. In there, I said

"For the first ... and last time in my life, I felt that kind of love. And the memory of it is beautiful ... enough to last. Enough to give me comfort on nights like these... when love seems so far away."

A year and countless dates later, it seems I'm no closer. There are times when I want to throw the question back at them. Why don't I have a boyfriend? Tell me. Because the truth is, I really could use somebody.


Spiral Prince said...

"Sometimes I envy other people and their ability to fall in and fall out of love quickly. Never mind that the relationship doesn't last very long."

-you told me this personally yourself months back, K, and to be honest that had me wondering, and made me question that habit of falling in and out of love. Teehee. Is it because you're looking for something very profound again after having lost it that you find no one to love? Or is it the fear of losing that profound thing, and having to go through the pain that comes with losing again?

I miiiiiiiisss you, K.


Mugen said...

Like you, I was once a queen of the dance floor, and I asked that question too, after more than 2 years of being single. You know what comforted me when days seem so unending, and the steamy nights turn into empty mornings? I'd tell myself over and over again, what's the essence of my being.

And i'd say to myself. To love.

I hope you will find yours soon, princess.

Leo said...

Maybe you still haven't met the one. I know you texted Nimmy about me asking you, "Why you're still not in a relationship?" I forgot your reply. Must be the age. LOL

Nate said...

aww.. kane.. :/ maybe this is just a pre-valentine's "phase".. don't give up.. i'm sure there's a prince out there, worthy of the princess that you are..

gillboard said...

i am not the right person to comment on your post. :P

it's the season.

bien said...

And I keep telling myself, like Christmas, this (Valentines) too shall pass haha

I really like this song by Kings of Leon. The cover done by Pixie Lott is my favorite.

Mac Callister said...

so bakit nga ba walang bf? im sure with all those guys na nami-meet mo e meron kahit papano na magugustuhan ka :-)

at hay naku f*ck valentine's day! LOL *ampalaya*

Mac Callister said...

bakit ako di mo tinetext gaya ni leo at nimmy?hahaha (nangungulit lang)

the geek said...

"she wondered if she was doomed to be one of those people who spend their lives trying things.”

― one day, david nicholls

kaloy said...

maybe we should stop asking. :)

Tristan Tan said...

Very few people understand how it really feels to live our lives, my dear… Hang in there.

Anonymous said...

what the fuck!!! simple lang. COLLECT AND COLLECT THEN SELECT!
ENJOY MUNA. 30 IS LIKE A RICH 22. who needs a lover when u r pretty and got money! FICK THIS!

Anonymous said...

sorry. i meant FUCK THIS FICK

ıǝɹɯɐı said...

That's fine K. Having a boyfriends is not everything. Just be patient. He's there, somewhere. Maybe the guy having coffee over there, or that cute barista..

Bruce Kho said...

i was told some time in my collegiate that if you want something so badly the world will conspire to make it happen. its an optimist's view, i know, but one that does bear some merit. the question is, do you want boyfriend so much and what are you doing to make it happen? one follows the other because the intention limits the action and your reaction.

you like being a bad girl so much kaya ganun :D

Kiks said...

i have someone coming over for a date on the second Tuesday of February. i don't know if it means anything but it makes me kilig.

usually, sex never has that kilig factor.

E said...

u have me :-) we're family now :-) >hugz< miss you friend...4 reals

Karlie Bradshaw said...

I could relate with your "predicament" right now (and I dig Kings of Leon's Use Somebody song too!) . In my 20s, it was easy for me to fall in and out of love every now and then. I lived by the thrills of discovering sparks and magics from people around me. But I started losing it... I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I could really "use somebody" right now... or not. I don't know. hayst... Maybe that's a 30ish thing, don't you think? hehe