Gossip Girl: The End of the Affair

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Look, my young friend and brother
Do you see the young man with the grave
      manner who is destined to you?
See how he leans his left as if seeking
      your hand on his shoulder, see the dream of
      mystery and desire that hovers around his beautiful
      and melancholy face; that dream is yours.

Look and you will know what it is to love.
But it will be too late.

---Paritus The One-Eyed, Letter to the Lost Disciple

Previously on Gossip Girl:

Reversals of Fortune

"Do you think you'll make it?" E asked.

"Honestly, I don't know. The odds are not in our favor," I answered. I was quiet for awhile, remembering Jeremy. "But I'd like to hope we will. I mean, isn't that what the great love stories are all about? Beating all the odds?" 
 

The laws of physics dictate that what goes up must come down. Even when it feels as if our feet are a million miles off the ground.

"Can we talk tomorrow night?" Jeremy texted after two weeks of not speaking to each other. I was startled. This is it, I braced myself. The day I knew would come.

I was worried. I had a feeling, a hunch that things weren't going to go well. But if things were going to end, I wanted it to end with dignity. I didn't want to argue, to fight. Fighting and shouting, that wasn't how I wanted to remember us.

"So J and I are finally going to talk," I texted Fran. "I think he's leaving me. Wish me luck?"

"Okay hun. Good luck. Talk like you've never talked before. May the odds be ever in your favor," Fran said. "You know I'm here."

The moment I heard his voice, I realized I missed him. We chatted for awhile about other things; work, his family. I told him how I met one of my big bosses in Asia the previous week who flew into town for the Asian Development Bank's annual meeting.

"Grabe Jeremy! Ang tagal ng dinner namin! (We had such a long dinner!)" I said. 

"Three and a half hours. Can you believe it? Kunti na lang sex life ko na ang magiging topic namin (Just a little bit more and we would be talking about my sex life already)!!" I said laughing. "Work dinners are not supposed to last that long. My God!"

"How was it?" he asked excitedly.

"It was good. It's really different when you speak to someone who's well-traveled. He just knows so many things," I said, referring to my boss. "He was talking about how half of home mortgages in Hungary are denominated in Swiss francs, the progress in Myanmar's opening up to the world, his recent trip to Luang Prabang."

"We really had fun," I said. "But I got so stressed when he asked me what do I do during weekends?"

"Hahaha. So what did you say?" J said.

"I wanted to say I'm a party girl!! But I don't think he would take it so well," I answered laughing. "So I just fudged it a bit. I go out with my friends?"

"Hahahaha. Puede na."

God, I can really talk to him, I realized. J was one of the few people with whom I can fully express myself. I was suddenly saddened at the thought I may lose him.

Memory is a curious thing. It comes unbidden at the strangest times. While chatting with Jeremy, one particular conversation sprung into my mind.

"Wow. You really are serious," I  told Jeremy once.

"Sabi ko naman sa iyo K. Wala ng atrasan ito (I told you K. There's no turning back)," he replied. "I know what I want. Ikaw lang naman ang may ayaw. Ayaw mo kasing maniwala na ito na yun eh. Ano pa bang hahanapin mo? (You're the one who refuses to believe that this is it. What else are you looking for?)"

"Grabe ka naman (Come on). You make it sound like we are each other's last chance at happiness," I said.

"We are. Eto na yun K (This is it K)," he answered. "Eto na yun. (This is it.)"

After awhile, I finally had the courage to ask him the question. "So … iiwan mo na ba ako (are you leaving me)?" I asked him lightly. My voice was steady, calm, half teasing.

"K, huwag kang magagalit ha (please don't be angry)," he slowly said.

"Hindi. Hindi ako galit (No no. I'm not)," I replied calmly.

"Hindi ko kaya (I can't do it) K." 

Silence.

"It's okay," I told him. "I understand."

J went on and on, we're too different, he says. Our brains are wired differently; we give each other so much stress.

"I mean, if we just stress each other out, eh bakit pa natin ituloy ito? (Why should we continue this?)" he argued.

I simply nodded. I didn't want to be dramatic. No tears, no sorrow. There would be time for that later.

"This is what's best," he said.

Of course, of course, I said. But I knew I didn't believe that.

"So … I guess this is it," I said.

Spotted: Lonely Boy going from Prince of Hearts to Prince of Heartaches. In the pitter patter of a heartbeat. 



So that was it. After days and weeks and months of hoping ...  it was over. 



But don't worry K. Because as everyone knows, for girls like you, when one door closes, a thousand ones open.

My phone beeped. It was from Jeffrey, a guy from Grindr.

"Hey Kane. Kamusta? I was just wondering if you're free to meet tomorrow. Lagi ka na lang hindi puede (You're always not available). I really want to see you."

I thought of the weekend and how empty it feels. What should I say? I kept on rejecting Jeffrey before, but there is no more reason now to say no, is there?

"You're in luck," I said. "My schedule just freed up. Pick me up tomorrow?"

They say summer love is fleeting, that every road comes to an end. Sometimes it's the ending you saw coming a mile away, and yet somehow still takes you by surprise. 

But don't worry, my Upper Eastsider friends. Kane's story isn't ending. We're just at the start of a brand new chapter.

XOXO

Footnote:

Paritus appeared first in Elie Wiesel's 1985 novel, The Fifth Son. One-eyed, he sees only half of the world's truths.

I think sometimes, human beings are like that. We see only what we want to see; we see the truth we want to believe in. Perhaps the truth we need.

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