Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Gossip Girl: Reversals of Fortune

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It's said that we're all strapped to Fortune's wheel. Nowhere is this truer than in the ever-changing landscape of love. As one couple enjoys an upswing ...







"K!!! Oh my God! I missed you!!!" E said, giving me a tight hug when we saw each other. He had been busy settling in his new apartment, a new job and it has been awhile since we had gone out.

"So ... kamusta ka? (How are you?") I asked. I had missed my friend terribly and I had been wondering at his silence the past weeks. 

"Okay naman. Eto ... Naiinis ako. It's been two months na since nagstart ako mag work (since I started working.) Hindi ko pa rin masakto. (I still can't get my life back on track.) I had an accident, a burn recently kaya nag absent ako sa work (I was forced to be absent from work)." 

"Oh my God. Are you okay?" 

"Yeah. Pero minsan, parang nakakawalang gana. (But sometimes, it just feels shitty.) Parang I'm trying to start over pero ang daming malas pa rin," he said. 

"I'm sorry to hear that," I said squeezing his hand. "Arcee helping you?" 

"He is. As in. He's been amazing," E replied, nodding. "I don't know how I could do this without him. Grabe K, ang suwerte ko sa kanya. (I feel so lucky I have him.)" 

E and his lover Arcee have been together for a couple of years now. I've seen their love deepen and blossom and they've weathered the storms that hungrily come to seek havoc on relationships. But, they persevered. I suddenly envied them. 

"You are," I said, giving him a hug. "Masuwerte kayong dalawa sa bawat isa. (You both are lucky to have each other.)" 

"Hay ... tama ng drama. (Let's cut the drama.) Enough about me," E said laughing while disentangling himself. "So...  how are you and this guy of yours?" 

"Ahhh ... well ... uhmm ... " I said. 












... another is plunged downwards ...













"Well ... we've been fighting a lot," I confessed. "And I think it may be over before it really began."



I was having a quiet lunch alone, engrossed reading the book Fasting, Feasting by Anita Desai when Jeremy dropped the bomb.

"I need time to think about stuff in light of what has happened," he texted. "I'll keep in touch okay? You have a great week."

"Oh ... okay." I was shocked. "Sobrang na stress ako sa sinabi mo.(I'm so stressed by what you said.) I mean, we are going to fix things right? Or are you considering ending it?" I asked.

"Apparently, stress is all I give to you," he replied. "Anyways, you should take the time to think about stuff yourself," he replied with a smile at the end of the message. Like this. :)

"I hope you answer my question Jeremy. Because whatever our problems are, I don't think of ending things as an option. Now, if you are considering it, at least warn me."

"I cannot answer that question right now," he replied. "But you seem to be okay naman so that is a good sign."



I'm not okay. I wanted to say that it was unfair, that he was unfair. I wanted to shout and scream at him ... but I did not. I'm supposed to be a mature man who can handle his emotions well; isn't that what being an adult means? He needs his space, what can I do but respect his wish? My throat constricted and I suddenly teared up. Get a grip on yourself, I said.

""I'm not okay," I said to Jeremy. "I was hoping we can fix our issues. But ... I respect your wish. I'll wait, I'll be here." 



I have had four lovers and each of them left me at some point in time. Lahat sila iniwanan ako. I know ... I know ... it sounds dramatic and tragic, the kind of stuff characters in Philippine telenovelas would say, but it's true. I've always been the kind of guy who fights for love. Sometimes I wonder how careless people can be. They say "I love you" but what does that really mean? Tell me. What does that mean? 

Because of my past, my greatest fear in a relationship is being abandoned, that my supposed to be life partner will give up, just like all the others before. Hearing this from Jeremy brought back all the fears I have, that once again, he may be giving up. Perhaps as Graham Greene once wrote, our love had turned into a love affair ... with a beginning and an end. Or maybe it was an affair all along and I was just too blind to see it.



Intense. That is how best to describe Jeremy and I. 

"Sobrang hirap E," I said. "We're so intense and therefore when we're happy; we're intensely happy. But when we fight, it also becomes quite intense."


It has been almost two months now since we met and I suppose the glitter and fascination are wearing off. Jeremy and I have entered the phase where you suddenly start seeing the things you dislike about the other person. We argue and bicker constantly about traits, values; the things that matter when you look for a lifelong partner.

"I've been yearning for a relationship for so long I forgot the unpleasant side of it. Hindi ba puedeng happy lagi?" I said trying to make light of the issues. 

"It's work Kane, you know that. A lot of work," E said trying to console me. 

"I know but sometimes it feels like there are so many things going against us. He can be so difficult," I said. "Not to mention I'm still struggling with the fact that he is married and has kids. It can be too much to take sometimes. I don't want to be a mistress forever. And what he did ... it hurt me. He hurt me. That he can give up so easily? We're just scratching the surface of what real problems really are."

"And I know ... I know. He probably feels hurt too. That I hurt him," I said.

"You know, I know it's not easy," E said. "But what you have is passion Kane. Very few couples have that. Most of us settle for safe, which is what you want. What I have. And that's a good thing."

"But if I have a chance at something as intense as what you feel, I'd hold on to it for as long as I can," E slowly said. "And I mean, Ikaw yan eh. That mind-blowing, blood-curling, orgasmic shit I'm-on-top-of-the-world kind of love."


"And if, at the end, it still doesn't work out?" I asked.


"Then it will make for one beautiful memory."
 

"Well ... it seems it's already not working out," I said, sighing. "Hay E. Ang hirap. I miss him."

"Alam ko Kane. Alam ko."

"Do you think you'll make it?" he asked.


"Honestly, I don't know. The odds are not in our favor," I answered. I was quiet for awhile, remembering Jeremy. "But I'd like to hope we will. I mean, isn't that what the great love stories are all about? Beating all the odds?" 







They say love makes the world go round and round. But sometimes it only feels like you're a fool on a merry-go-round. But top ... or bottom, don't get too comfortable kids. Because the only thing you can rely on is that the wheel will keep on turning.












XOXO

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9 comments:

Spiral Prince said...

-hugs-

♔ıǝɹɯɐı♔ said...

Haistt. Kaya yan K. Stay strong :)

Ar-r said...

"grant me the humility to accept the things that I cannot change,
the courage to change the things that I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

:* this, too, shall pass. :*

Nate said...

aww.. *hugs*

cHard said...

Hold on as long as you can, K..

After giving it everything you've got and if things don't work out the way you're hoping they will..

Eventually, these things will make for a "beautiful memory"..

Anonymous said...

Dear Kane,

Para sa iyong kaalaman, hindi lang ang pinagkakautangan ng kaligayahan sa mundong ito. Hindi lang ikaw ang naloko o winalanghaiya.

At dahil dito, hindi ibig sabihin na porke't naloko ka rati o napagkaitan ay may karapatan ka nang manira ng pamilya.

Pero bago nito, sana maintindihan mo na ang lalaking iniibig mo ay tarantado, hinayupak at walanghiya upang mag-asawa at mang-anak gayong siya ay isang bakla.

Kung kaya niyang lokohin ang kanyang sarili, ang kanyang asawa, at ang kanyang mga anak, di ko alam kung ano ang kaya niyang gawin sa yo. Kasi naman, sino ka ba?

Gumising ka. Tigilan mo yan. Hindi sa yo umiikot ang mundo.

Gumagalang,

Anonymous

Anonymous said...

Hindi naman dahil gusto lang kitang buwisitin, Kane, pero simula't sapul mali na ang inyong relasyon.

Oo at masaya kayo. Oo at nagkakaintindihan kayo. Pero siya, naiintindihan ba niya ang sarili niya?

Isa siyang traydor at sinungaling! Batid kong hindi ganyang tao ang dapat na nagpapasaya sa yo sapagkat ikaw ay tapat at sinsero sa gawa at pananalita.

Mahanap mo sana ang nararapt sa yo at hindi yaong walanghiya tulad ni Jeremy.

Muli at gumagalang,

Anonynous

eon said...

agree that it really is a lot of work, and the two parties must agree to working things out. it's doomed when only one wants it. hope yours work out in your favor.

goodboi said...

I was supposed to slap you, Kane, but Anonymous' words have been enough. Hope it continued cutting throat and shed blood.

Time to move on, man. This tragedy should not be meant for you. I mean it, and believe me.

You are just 30. Take note, just 30.