Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Genetic Root of Desire


Leonard Da Vinci's Sketch Studies

I was browsing photos and profiles on PlanetRomeo, the gay online site du jour, when I suddenly had a self-revelation. My preference for men has changed.

I used to date cute young guys; charming, boyish, smart. Some of them were effeminate, and I found it endearing. Whenever my friends would ask me what's my type, I always say goodlooking and intelligent. If he's not, goodlooking will do. But last night I realized I was noticing men who were around 30 years old to 34 years old, who looked strong, tall, manly, mature, and built.

I was shocked. What happened, I asked myself? As I thought about it, I realized my attraction to them wasn't even sexual but in fact, I was connecting it to a relationship. After all that happened, I wanted a relationship pala.

"Oo, bitin ka kasi doon sa huli," V told me as I clicked on another profile showing a shirtless guy with arms that looked like they could sweep you off your feet.

"Tama ka nga," I said. "I must have really enjoyed being in a relationship the last time."

As I scan each of their faces and bodies, I realized I was unconsciously interpreting these men's physical traits to signify that they would be strong, mature, and caring. I know intellectually that this is not necessarily true. The human genes I inherited have been activated causing me to look for certain physical traits in a partner which our ancestors used to assure a successful married life.

Strength means he can hunt boars and rabbits for food; maturity means he is no longer a boy but a man who can take care of a family.

My break-up has affected how I look at potential dates, I realized. I now wanted someone who knows himself very well, knows what he wants, capable of giving into a relationship, can take care and work on the relationship.

We carry our past relationships with us, whether we want to or not it seems. A week ago, I told V I will only ask two things from my partner: his faithfulness, and that he will never give up. Just two things.

Last night, my dreams were haunted by strong, able-bodied men, promising to love me forever.

15 comments:

engel said...

as we grow old, our preferences change. we now see beyond the physical attributes of a potential partner.

you're just maturing my friend. and that's good.

Lyka Bergen said...

wish you all the luck. sayang, 36 na ako.

wanderingcommuter said...

hahahaha... natatakot ako baka mapanaginipan ko din yan! hahaha!

citybuoy said...

it's funny how we choose our partners subliminally no? we want good looking partners because we want our offsprings to look good too. we want smart partners because we want out kids to be smart. but for gay relationships, wala namang magkakaanak diba? pero we still want good looking and smart people. i just think it's very interesting.

re:your dream. nice! haha magandang panaginip yan!

<*period*>; said...

huwag kang mag-alala, darating din yan.

sa ngayon, give yourself some time to heal

its nice to know ang simple ng requirements mo...faithful at hindi naggi-give up.

sana lahat ng tao ganiyan.

john stanley said...

in a similar entry, i wrote

"as people grow mature, preferences go along with them. terms such as security, loyalty and sincerity begin to challenge our sensibilities. this shift in paradigm would only mean that we all will come to a point where we see further than what the eyes can offer."

all for the best, kane.

xtian1978ii said...

sometimes we fell for a person kahit hindi siya 'yung type natin basta na lang nainlab ka na lang.

Kane said...

Engel,

Our experiences, whether of sadness of joy, can be points of growth for us. Who knows how much this one has changed me? =)

Kane

Kane said...

Lyka Bergen,

Thank you for wishing me luck. =) I actually went out one time with someone nine years older than I am. It was a great experience.

Kane

Kane said...

Wandering Commuter,

Naku, ang saya ng panaginip. You know what they say, we all have dreams. Some fun, some Freudian. Wonder what yours is? =)

Kane

Kane said...

Citybuoy,

Yes, sometimes our desires are dictated by things beyond our control. But we still have the freedom to choose.

Kane

Kane said...

Period,

Simple lang nga, pero sabi ng kaibigan ko, "Naku, yan ang pinakamahirap."

Kane

Kane said...

John Stanley,

Salamat. So, what do you see now? =)

Kane

The Demigoddess said...

I am 26 and I have always preferred older men, at least 10-15 years older than me. They just take care of their women better than guys who are younger or are my age. My experience tells me so. And they are better lovers. Again, my experience tells me so. Thanks for dropping by my blog, hun. Loving your blog..

-The Demigoddess

Kane said...

The Demigoddess,

I'm glad you like the stories. =) Grabe ka, 10-15 years older. But I do understand the charm older men possess. Better lovers pala. So you really get more skillful over time huh. =)

Kane