Memory is fleeting. And so we try to capture the past and the present. A face in a crowd, the light of the moon. Things one cannot hold on to.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
The Genetic Root of Desire
Leonard Da Vinci's Sketch Studies
I was browsing photos and profiles on PlanetRomeo, the gay online site du jour, when I suddenly had a self-revelation. My preference for men has changed.
I used to date cute young guys; charming, boyish, smart. Some of them were effeminate, and I found it endearing. Whenever my friends would ask me what's my type, I always say goodlooking and intelligent. If he's not, goodlooking will do. But last night I realized I was noticing men who were around 30 years old to 34 years old, who looked strong, tall, manly, mature, and built.
I was shocked. What happened, I asked myself? As I thought about it, I realized my attraction to them wasn't even sexual but in fact, I was connecting it to a relationship. After all that happened, I wanted a relationship pala.
"Oo, bitin ka kasi doon sa huli," V told me as I clicked on another profile showing a shirtless guy with arms that looked like they could sweep you off your feet.
"Tama ka nga," I said. "I must have really enjoyed being in a relationship the last time."
As I scan each of their faces and bodies, I realized I was unconsciously interpreting these men's physical traits to signify that they would be strong, mature, and caring. I know intellectually that this is not necessarily true. The human genes I inherited have been activated causing me to look for certain physical traits in a partner which our ancestors used to assure a successful married life.
Strength means he can hunt boars and rabbits for food; maturity means he is no longer a boy but a man who can take care of a family.
My break-up has affected how I look at potential dates, I realized. I now wanted someone who knows himself very well, knows what he wants, capable of giving into a relationship, can take care and work on the relationship.
We carry our past relationships with us, whether we want to or not it seems. A week ago, I told V I will only ask two things from my partner: his faithfulness, and that he will never give up. Just two things.
Last night, my dreams were haunted by strong, able-bodied men, promising to love me forever.
I like stories. Whether they're of random strangers or close friends, people's stories hold me spellbound.
Every story leads us to an insight: Who are we? Why do we do the things we do? Why are we here, and not there?
Email me: firstname.lastname@example.org
Hypocrite in a Pouffy White Dress Susan Jane Gilman
In her memoir, Susan Jane talked about growing up uncool as a white kid in a tough Puerto Rican neighborhood, dreaming to be a ballerina, chasing after rock stars, having sex for the very first time.
She brings us back to the best (and the worst) parts of our childhood and our youth, helping us realize things are never as good (or as bad) as we remember them to be.
For Emma, Forever Ago Bon Hiver
Justin Veron, also known as Bon Iver, spent four months alone in a log cabin in the mountains of Wisconsin after the break-up of his band, DeYarmond Edison in 2006.
"The name refers to someone in my past, and it's not her real name," Veron said in an interview about the title of his album. "The dedication is not just to her, it's about the end of an entire era. The entire context of my life at that time was tied to this person, and this record is a way for me to flee from this thing."
For Emma captures the sound of broken and quiet isolation, wraps it in a beautiful package, and delivers it to your door with a beating, bruised heart.