Tuesday, September 15, 2009

I Hope, Therefore, I Am

"Though you might hear me laughin', spinnin', swingin' madly across the sun, it's not aimed at anyone, it's just escapin' on the run"
---Bob Dylan, "Mr. Tambourine Man"

 
 
To hope is the human response to despair. I remember reading A Metaphysics of Hope by French philosopher and Christian existentialist Gabriel Marcel a long time ago. During times of despair, I always go back to it and remember what it means to be human, to hope.

There is a distinction between "I hope" and "I hope that". The "I hope" in all its strength is directed towards salvation, a coming out of a darkness in which I am presently plunged. Right now, I am both "hoping" and "hoping for something".


Decision
K: G, may kuwento ako. I've made a decision. Are you ready? No judgments? = )

G: Go! I'm ready

K: I have made a decision. I have decided this is what I want to hope for. I felt so lost for a while, not knowing what to want. I didn't know whether to hope that I will be okay without M, or to hope that M and I will be friends again, or for us to get back together. The easiest is for me to be okay without M, because it only involves me. That's because for us to be friends again, he has to want to be friends with me too. For us to get back together, he has to want to get back together with me too.

After a lot of thinking the past days, I have decided that I want M and I to be friends and hopefully to be back together. I decided this knowing there is a big chance I might fail. I am keeping in mind that opportunities may come to me also and I am open to it. I am also open to the idea that I may one day decide that I no longer want it. I'm open to all possibilities, ang priority ko is to get back together nga lang

K: I decided last night and as a result, mas kalmado ako. Ganoon pala. Nagulat ako sa sense of peace? Or calm?

K: I have thought a lot about this. I think this is what is happening. M is trying to find out who he is and what he wants. He has options and he is coming into his own self as an adult, as an individual. He needs someone who can walk him through his options, but not impose on him who he is and is not, who he should be and should be not, what he should do or not do.

I think for awhile, I tended to "parent" him. I did mean well, I wanted what I thought was best for him. But I realized you have to make people make their own decisions, even if you think it's a mistake. I also realized there are times when he simply wanted me to listen. That he didn't need me to say what I think.

K: Romantic relationships are his least priority. Its' all about him, for now. I am trying to reach out to him. When we do start talking again, I won't bring up our issues muna. Things have to be light and happy (similar to the week after the break-up) when we were talking and having fun lang. Kasi pag issues, he will avoid it, run away, because in his mind, that's the last thing he wants right now. Sa dami na niyang iniisp, he doesnt want anymore stress. I have decided I want to understand him. Kaya pa. Isasagad ko na, and one day, when I look back, I will not regret fighting for the kind of love that I wanted.

K: I asked N when do you know if a relationship has reached its limit? I believe that for some couples, there is only so much you can give to each other. But for the lucky ones, there can be endless giving. N said, for him, it's intuitive. There is a point when he can say tama na. On a cerebral level, he says it is when there is little or no more growth in the relationship for you or the other.

Break-ups are a point of growth too. I have learned so much about myself, about him, and about relationships because of this break-up. I have to ask myself though: where is there more growth? Moving on or getting back? Break-ups give both people a time to reassess themselves.

So there, I have my decision. I have decided on what I need to do. Wait for an opportunity, take it,

K: I know you might not approve, but I appreciate everything you have done for me through this break-up G.

K: - - - - end of statement - - -

G: 1. GO!

G: 2. Go for it!

G: Obvious naman e. Gusto mo pa talaga siya. Feeling mo di mo pa tapos lahat ng options na makuha sya ulit. E di explore mo na lahat. Para kung maubos at wala talaga, mas matatanggap mo. And kung makuha mo naman, e di it's meant to be.

K: Yes, that's it, I can accept the results because talagang I'll know I tried all means. But I am fully aware that I may be hurt again, that I will fail. It's not like I am blinded.

G: I know. Actually on the contrary, you're being strategic nga e. Not blinded. Go. Wala din naman makakapigil sayo kaya isagad mo na.

K: Thank you honey = ) pero grabe ang sense of calm and peace that you get when you know what you want na. This must be how some generals feel when they go into battle, parang kalmado ka, kahit matalo ka. I'm not sure if I'm making sense.

G: You are. Nakita mo na san ka pupunta e. Di na paikot ikot.

K: Yes!! I felt so lost. One moment I tell myself ayoko na!!! Then the next, I still want him. Ang gulo. Thats the word, ikot ng ikot.

G: Ang sa akin lang e he better be worth it! Pag naging kayo man ulit dapat umayos siya and all.

K: Hahahaaha. I agree!

Second Meeting
I saw M again last Saturday. I saw him the moment we arrived in Malate. My friends chatted with him and then we went inside Bed. Inside Bed, I saw J and we danced. I told him my ex was there that night and I told him to keep me company. I was trying not to look at M.

M approached me and we spoke. He asked me about my sister and how she did during her board exams. I told him she passed and that I was so happy. So happy in fact that I hugged him.

We didn't speak again after that.

My BFF said I was so inaccessible. He said there was a time M was approaching me pero I was already jumping up and down to the tune of "I Gotta Feeling".

I called him after I got home. He was on his way home then. I let him express his anger over what happened two weeks ago. He said all is forgiven but that he cannot forget. He said he can only be civil to me right now. He said kung iniisip ko na merong mangyayari sa amin, he's already dating someone.

Looking back, I wish I had taken the chance to talk to him that night. But I guess I should be patient. Baby steps. At least, he already spoke to me.

I still believe M is worth it. He maybe is, he maybe not. Who knows? But I know he is a good man, and I believe that what we had, the love that we shared, is worth fighting for. The path of true love never did run smooth.

"Like this, I want you. Like this, I love you."
---Pablo Neruda, "And because Love battles"

22 comments:

goodboi said...

This is a good reflection. Keep it up! :-)

john stanley said...

it is best to exhaust all means possible now. otherwise, you will carry the burden for a long time, probably thinking of the what if's and if only's.

when all else fail, at least you can look back without any regrets knowing that you did your best.


***

yes, i was at the party. i saw you, in fact.

The Green Man said...

Hi K. This is a good decision. I will stay positive with you :-D I sincerely all goes well. I would be one of the happiest if you to got back together.

I think your reflection about M is right. Go for it honey and we will all stand by you :-D

We all make decisions for our well being. I am with you all the way!

Kane said...

Goodboi,

Salamat. Keep up what? The reflection? =)

Kane

Kane said...

John Stanley,

That's what I'm counting on. a regret-free life =)

***
How did you know it was me?


Kane

Kane said...

H,

THank you. I expected you to be my staunchest critic, so your response was quite a surprise.

As I said, I am open to all possibilities. =) We will see what tomorrow may bring. Thank you for being with me.

Kane

rudeboy said...

Knowing is half the battle won, indeed.

All the best on your quest, Kane, and congratulations on your newfound equanimity.

And oh - there is no such thing as a regret-free life. I think the best we can hope for is that our joys outweigh our sorrows.

xtian1978ii said...

wish you the best. now that you have a goal mas makakapagconcentrate ka sa bagay na iyan. sana nga magkabalikan kayo.

<*period*>; said...

pwede mo po bang ituro sa akin kung paano at ano ang dapat gawin?

i guess i could use some of your realizations

E said...

sige sugod! pikit mata pero wag kalimutan ang goal. Sa mga panahon na pinaghihinaan ka na, kapit ka lang sa goal mo. kung kinakailangan isigaw mo yung goal mo gawin mo! Jan ka kukuha ng lakas.

Pagkatapos ng laban, panalo man o talo, iinom tyo nina gibo, nana at el ng wine at cecelebrate natin ang pag loose mo ng weight, dahil sa totoo lang, parati ka panalo kahit ano man ang mangyari :-D

john stanley said...

i'm pretty good with faces. we were actually introduced before. in timog.

Kane said...

Rudeboy,

I think this quest is turning out to be harder than the search for the Holy Grail. What an adventure this is turning out to be. At least, this is something I know I won't regret. =)

Kane

Kane said...

Xtian1978ii,

Salamat ha. I sometimes feel there is no more hope, but I focus on the fact that one day I will be okay. Whatever happens.

Kane

Kane said...

Period,

As Socrates once said, the unexamined life is not worth living.

Once you know what you want, everything becomes clear. Trust in yourself. I hope this helps. It may not seem very clear right now, but the uncertainty is also part of the process.

Best wishes,
Kane

Kane said...

E,

Salamat kaibigan. Kung matalo man, at least I lost with dignity. A battle well fought, I must say.

Kane

Knox Galen said...

Like I told you during our YM conversations, (or was it through text) I try not to look back when bonds are disconnected.

Unless I was the one who broke the bond - unjustifiably.

Explore, look around and meet new and interesting people. M is just part of your life story, as to your ending, that we reserve for another day.

Thanks for the warm reception during the party. I know you're drunk but it was nice seeing you again.

Goodboi said...

Whatever you can keep up, Kane.

Kane said...

Knox Galen,

Oh I am exploring, I am. As I said, I am very open to all possibilities. =)

Ikaw talaga, I wasn't drunk, drunk. I was VERY tipsy. And it was good to see you again, you came so late. Did you have fun? Did Knox strike again? =)

Kane

Kane said...

John Stanley! I remember you. I'm sorry, I have been quite distracted. Did you enjoy la fete? =)

Kane

<*period*>; said...

thank you kane, sure it helped.

im just too afraid to go beyond my comfort zone..im too afraid to be brave.

had enough of rejections

just came from a heartache..thus, forcing myself into another heartache is, i guess, already suicide.

il give you an update on whatever would happen..i'll even post it in my blog.

again, thank you.

The Demigoddess said...

I love this post. It reminds me of my current situation. I'm fighting for the man I love and while I feel like I will be at the losing end, I fought for it with all my might and that is all that truly matters.

Kane said...

The Demigoddess,

In the end, that maybe is all that matters. =) Best wishes. Have strength and a lot of courage.

Kane