I Hope, Therefore, I Am

"Though you might hear me laughin', spinnin', swingin' madly across the sun, it's not aimed at anyone, it's just escapin' on the run"
---Bob Dylan, "Mr. Tambourine Man"

 
 
To hope is the human response to despair. I remember reading A Metaphysics of Hope by French philosopher and Christian existentialist Gabriel Marcel a long time ago. During times of despair, I always go back to it and remember what it means to be human, to hope.

There is a distinction between "I hope" and "I hope that". The "I hope" in all its strength is directed towards salvation, a coming out of a darkness in which I am presently plunged. Right now, I am both "hoping" and "hoping for something".


Decision
K: G, may kuwento ako. I've made a decision. Are you ready? No judgments? = )

G: Go! I'm ready

K: I have made a decision. I have decided this is what I want to hope for. I felt so lost for a while, not knowing what to want. I didn't know whether to hope that I will be okay without M, or to hope that M and I will be friends again, or for us to get back together. The easiest is for me to be okay without M, because it only involves me. That's because for us to be friends again, he has to want to be friends with me too. For us to get back together, he has to want to get back together with me too.

After a lot of thinking the past days, I have decided that I want M and I to be friends and hopefully to be back together. I decided this knowing there is a big chance I might fail. I am keeping in mind that opportunities may come to me also and I am open to it. I am also open to the idea that I may one day decide that I no longer want it. I'm open to all possibilities, ang priority ko is to get back together nga lang

K: I decided last night and as a result, mas kalmado ako. Ganoon pala. Nagulat ako sa sense of peace? Or calm?

K: I have thought a lot about this. I think this is what is happening. M is trying to find out who he is and what he wants. He has options and he is coming into his own self as an adult, as an individual. He needs someone who can walk him through his options, but not impose on him who he is and is not, who he should be and should be not, what he should do or not do.

I think for awhile, I tended to "parent" him. I did mean well, I wanted what I thought was best for him. But I realized you have to make people make their own decisions, even if you think it's a mistake. I also realized there are times when he simply wanted me to listen. That he didn't need me to say what I think.

K: Romantic relationships are his least priority. Its' all about him, for now. I am trying to reach out to him. When we do start talking again, I won't bring up our issues muna. Things have to be light and happy (similar to the week after the break-up) when we were talking and having fun lang. Kasi pag issues, he will avoid it, run away, because in his mind, that's the last thing he wants right now. Sa dami na niyang iniisp, he doesnt want anymore stress. I have decided I want to understand him. Kaya pa. Isasagad ko na, and one day, when I look back, I will not regret fighting for the kind of love that I wanted.

K: I asked N when do you know if a relationship has reached its limit? I believe that for some couples, there is only so much you can give to each other. But for the lucky ones, there can be endless giving. N said, for him, it's intuitive. There is a point when he can say tama na. On a cerebral level, he says it is when there is little or no more growth in the relationship for you or the other.

Break-ups are a point of growth too. I have learned so much about myself, about him, and about relationships because of this break-up. I have to ask myself though: where is there more growth? Moving on or getting back? Break-ups give both people a time to reassess themselves.

So there, I have my decision. I have decided on what I need to do. Wait for an opportunity, take it,

K: I know you might not approve, but I appreciate everything you have done for me through this break-up G.

K: - - - - end of statement - - -

G: 1. GO!

G: 2. Go for it!

G: Obvious naman e. Gusto mo pa talaga siya. Feeling mo di mo pa tapos lahat ng options na makuha sya ulit. E di explore mo na lahat. Para kung maubos at wala talaga, mas matatanggap mo. And kung makuha mo naman, e di it's meant to be.

K: Yes, that's it, I can accept the results because talagang I'll know I tried all means. But I am fully aware that I may be hurt again, that I will fail. It's not like I am blinded.

G: I know. Actually on the contrary, you're being strategic nga e. Not blinded. Go. Wala din naman makakapigil sayo kaya isagad mo na.

K: Thank you honey = ) pero grabe ang sense of calm and peace that you get when you know what you want na. This must be how some generals feel when they go into battle, parang kalmado ka, kahit matalo ka. I'm not sure if I'm making sense.

G: You are. Nakita mo na san ka pupunta e. Di na paikot ikot.

K: Yes!! I felt so lost. One moment I tell myself ayoko na!!! Then the next, I still want him. Ang gulo. Thats the word, ikot ng ikot.

G: Ang sa akin lang e he better be worth it! Pag naging kayo man ulit dapat umayos siya and all.

K: Hahahaaha. I agree!

Second Meeting
I saw M again last Saturday. I saw him the moment we arrived in Malate. My friends chatted with him and then we went inside Bed. Inside Bed, I saw J and we danced. I told him my ex was there that night and I told him to keep me company. I was trying not to look at M.

M approached me and we spoke. He asked me about my sister and how she did during her board exams. I told him she passed and that I was so happy. So happy in fact that I hugged him.

We didn't speak again after that.

My BFF said I was so inaccessible. He said there was a time M was approaching me pero I was already jumping up and down to the tune of "I Gotta Feeling".

I called him after I got home. He was on his way home then. I let him express his anger over what happened two weeks ago. He said all is forgiven but that he cannot forget. He said he can only be civil to me right now. He said kung iniisip ko na merong mangyayari sa amin, he's already dating someone.

Looking back, I wish I had taken the chance to talk to him that night. But I guess I should be patient. Baby steps. At least, he already spoke to me.

I still believe M is worth it. He maybe is, he maybe not. Who knows? But I know he is a good man, and I believe that what we had, the love that we shared, is worth fighting for. The path of true love never did run smooth.

"Like this, I want you. Like this, I love you."
---Pablo Neruda, "And because Love battles"