Tuesday, September 22, 2009

So Goodbye, These Days Are Gone


"of all the edifices man has built,
no one can deny, no one who has lived at least,
that love is the frailest structure of all...
built to tumble, meant to fall."



M,

I was hesitant at first to write you. I know you may not want to hear from me and I don't expect you to acknowledge this letter. I wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I wonder how you are, how you feel. I hope you are happy on this day.

I wanted to give you this as a birthday present; my memory of you. I was talking to a friend who is turning 50 next year and she told me that all this, all that we see, and feel, and touch, and love right now, will all one day just be a memory.

K





So Goodbye, These Days are Gone
A beautiful boy can make you dizzy… like you've been drinking Pouilly-Fumé all morning. He can make you feel high - full of the single greatest commodity known to humankind - promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a great hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. You can find it in his smile... in his soul... and in the way he makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay.

It was a classic tale of boy meets boy. A storm was raging the night I met M. My friend Rafael celebrated his birthday that night and threw a party. Everyone was getting tipsy, happy. Since we wanted to dance, my friends and I decided to brave the rains and go to Bed in Malate at around 3 in the morning.

I saw him standing along at the bar inside, smoking and drinking a bottle of beer. He was alone. I approached him and asked for his name. M, he said. He was wearing white long sleeves and dark blue jeans. He was tall, lean, and very good looking.

We were both drunk. We exchanged small talk, we kissed. When I asked for his number he said he had a boyfriend. I said I still want your number. (I found out later he broke up with his ex-boyfriend that night.)

Over time, we got to know each other well. M was beautiful. He made me feel dizzy. Like I was drinking Pouilly-Fumé all morning. He made me feel high.

In one of the entries of his blog, he wrote the lyrics of a song I love.

"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth"

He wrote about his friend's death, of his break-up with his lover. He spoke of their love, of the pain of their parting.

We dated, deciding to take things slow. As we went out more often and often, I discovered how beautiful he was. How gentle and kind. He was responsible, and smart, and hardworking. He had a good soul. And I fell in love.

Sept. 12, 2008
Dear M,

M, it's Friday and the weekend is almost here. I am so excited to see you and this is how I have been feeling almost every weekend ever since I met you.

Hayyy.. M, I think a lot about us. I don't really know what the future has in store. When I analyze things, I can already identify some potential issues that may surface.

If I focus on those issues, I sometimes feel that it may not be worth it, that our fragile relationship may not survive. But the future is not set in stone, we create the future.

I want you to know I want to be with you. This is a choice, my choice. You are my choice. Mahal kita M. I love you, and I think I have loved you for sometime now. You said it yourself, you knew I love you, how could I forget?

You are amazing. You are humble and kind, intelligent and compassionate. Not so long ago, you told me you felt pressured because you felt you wouldn't meet my expectations. Do you remember what I said? I said "You exceed it in every possible way." And you do.

Kisses,
K


Excerpts of a text message:
M: K, can you trust me?

K: Ang funny. I was writing something kanina and I wrote about trust. Well, trust is a commodity that is hard to come by these days. But yes, I can and I do trust you

M: K, do you think I'm worthy enough for you?

K: I'd like to think I'm a good judge of character. But I have been wrong before. Does that mean I shouldn't trust again? There are no guarantees in life. I just have to trust myself, trust you and hope that we are indeed worthy of each other.

M: Bwiset! You're such a sweet talker!


One day, we decided to become a couple. We promised to love each other, forever.

M: K, when you saw me the first time I was in complete desolation. Full of grief yet filled with hope. And now, here you are, trying to complete my wholeness. I hope you can be my twin flame while I traverse the pitfalls and goodness of life.

Thus, the twin flames were born.

The past year was one of the happiest of my life. M and I shared so many things together, from the ordinary to the sublime. We ate, drank, talked, laughed, danced, and traveled. We discovered the world was a beautiful place, especially when shared with a loved one.

I still remember what I told him last year on his birthday, that whether he's 24 or 40 or 60, I hope we will always have each other.

I felt like I was the happiest guy on earth. I had a wonderful job, my friends and family were great, and to top it off, I had an amazing boyfriend. What more could I ask for? But the happy man who wants nothing more actually wants something else; the continuation of his happiness.

I wasn't prepared for what was waiting for me. Some surprises sneak up on you when you least expect it.

M left me. At first, the shock and the pain were so intense; it felt like dying. Maybe it was death, in a sense.

As they say; the brightest stars burn out the fastest. The twin flames that had shone so brightly were extinguished and my world plunged into darkness. I decided to fight for our love; I wanted to win him back.

But now, a different kind of peace has settled into me. Maybe this is as far as our story goes, and maybe that is enough. We had a good run. When I look back on all our times together, I feel blessed. I am privileged to have had that kind of love, to feel for someone so intensely you were willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work.

A love like that is hard to come by. Yes, it did not last. But M made me happy, and I cannot deny him that. He was my best friend.

I miss M. I miss our daily talks after work. I miss sharing things about my life with him. I miss his laughter. I miss drinking wine with him. Tonight, I will raise a glass to him.

To you M, thank you. I will forever cherish you and the love we had.

28 comments:

goodboi said...

One day you'll look back and see how attached you are at this point.

I just believe that there's a better letter than M out there. Open your eyes, open your heart.

Best wishes and happy birthday to M.

Aris said...

Mas naintindihan ko ngayon kung gaano mo kamahal si M at kung bakit nahirapan ka nang mawala siya. Let me give you a hug. Lilipas din ang lahat and you will be fine. :)

rudeboy said...

What a beautiful piece. Eloquent, intelligent, and sincere.

I've nothing to say that you haven't already said, Kane. And since I'm off alcohol till next year, I'll raise my cup of coffee to you. And to love and memories.

engel said...

You loved someone, and it was great. Although it did not last, you know it was true.

I envy you for having that.

Kane said...

Goodboi,

Don't worry, my eyes and heart are open. =)

Kane

Kane said...

Aris,

Lahat ng ito ay lilipas din =) salamat aris, salamat at naintindihan mo ako.

Kane

Kane said...

Rudeboy,

I'm glad you like the story. I decided to write it down while things are still fresh, and time hasn't changed the way I look at things yet.

So to old loves, new loves :)

Kane

Kane said...

Engel,

Well, truth be told there were times when you feel that the love may not be worth all the pain. You will find your own story =) and it will be beautiful and true.

Kane

brutaljet said...

I am very proud of you. You have experienced the most important experience in this world, now you will forever be addicted to it and start looking for it in everything... it's the one and only true reason in this world, If I may guess...

<*period*>; said...

i admired you when you admitted to yourself the pain of losing M.that was really hard

but i admire you more now for accepting that there's more to life than sulking and wishing for something to comeback though you know it's no longer possible.

good to know that the friendship remains.

youve earned my respect and admiration sir.

and as ive said before, your M chronicles serves as my guide in my moments of despair.

cant thank you enough for that.

The Green Man said...

Hi sweety. To recieve love and give it back is one of the most outstanding process there is.

I support you in every way i can... I am no kill joy but let me remind you this K. Linger as long as you want... but make sure to make the realization not a day later than you're supposed to. Okay? :-)

I love you friend. We all stand by you.

Anonymous said...

KY,
Thank you for writing. I can't. You write for both of us.
NC

Anonymous said...

Everything will just be a memory....a good one to cherish!

GG

Kane said...

Brutaljet,

You know what they say, it makes the world go round and round.

Kane

Kane said...

Period,

Despair is a terrible state to be in. You feel like your lifeforce is being sucked out of you. But yes, there is always more to life. =)

And, no, I don't think M and I are friends. Maybe one day.

Kane

Kane said...

The Green Man,

Don't worry. As I said, maybe this is as far as the story goes. =)

Kane

Kane said...

NC,

I hope you liked what I wrote. I know what you're going through is painful. I don't know how I can comfort you. Unfortunately, there is no shortcut. We just have to go through this. But there is always more surprises along the way, yes?

KY

Kane said...

GG,

One day when we're old, we will look back at these moments of our lives. I wonder how I would feel then.

Kane

i'm a narnian said...

kane, this is a well written post.

i fell madly in love, then lost and it took me about two months to realize that in the short time I spent with the guy, i was really happy. and in that sense, i really didn't lose anything.

hurrah to moving on.

my friend told me this:
"Probably the most difficult task for man is learning to love so much and be more than willing to give it all up. Love fully, and lose willingly. Anything or anyone in this world is made to be lost, be not rattled with their demise."

the geek said...

"When I look back on all our times together, I feel blessed. I am privileged to have had that kind of love, to feel for someone so intensely you were willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationship work."

cheers to this. and to M. and to the ones we used to love...

xtian1978ii said...

Hi Kane. even if wala na kayo, I think there will be no regrets sa part mo. it's hard na it ended pero I know you'll rise above all these.

Kane said...

I'm a Narnian,

"Anything or anyone in this world is made to be lost, be not rattled with their demise."

But some things do last, or at least that's what I'd like to believe. =)

Kane

Kane said...

The Geek,

Why do I suddenly feel everyone misses their old loves all of a sudden? =)

They will always carry a piece of us with them.

Kane

Kane said...

xtian1978ii,

There are no regrets. I am happy with how much I have given. =)

Kane

Maxwell5587 said...

yes, what matters most is that you had the chance to feel it, to experience the joy of loving and being loved in return. things happen for a reason and things'll get better. eventually.

Jinjiruks said...

bloghopping..

lahat sinabi mo sa blog entry mo, thanks for sharing a part of your life to us.

nararamdaman ko ang emotion na blog entry na ito. sabi nga nila, walang "they lived happily ever after" kagaya ng sa fairy tale.

but despite of it, still.. may good memories pa ring naiwan si M sa iyo. hope that would serve as an inspiration to you, para magpatuloy sa buhay!

-jinjiruks

Knoxxy said...

proud of you man!

iurico said...

"M: K, when you saw me the first time I was in complete desolation. Full of grief yet filled with hope. And now, here you are, trying to complete my wholeness. I hope you can be my twin flame while I traverse the pitfalls and goodness of life."


Shoot! Nagka-goosebumps ako sa line na to.