A Decade After (I)

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 Previously:
The Marrying Kind



"Hey, so how was last night?" Vackie asked me.

"Honey… I kissed someone. And it was electrifying. That one kiss… changed me."



24 hours earlier



Neil was in town for a vacation and we were dining in one of my favorite restaurants in the city. A thunderstorm had suddenly appeared, heralding the last days of summer and Manila was drenched. The place was empty except for us.

"So… how long has it been?" Neil asked me.

I was looking at him, noticing the changes in him. The years have taken its toll on both of us.

"Three years and five wrinkles ago," I said, and we both laughed.

"That long huh," he said.



I remember that day clearly. It was winter in San Francisco and since we were both in the city, we agreed to meet by the giant Christmas tree in Union Square. It was my first time to travel to the U.S. and I was giddy with the thrill of seeing a place for the first time, but I was excited to see Neil more than anything else.

It was cold and the winds in San Francisco are gusty. I was running around the park, looking for him, but there were too many holiday shoppers and families out that night and I couldn't find him. I called him.

"Where are you?" I said.

"I'm here waiting for you, beside the tree," he said.

"Where? I can't see you."

I looked around, my eyes peering intently, and suddenly the crowds parted. And there he was… smiling at me. He looked even better than I remembered.



But that was then. At that time, he was married to David in Canada. I was with Manuel then, and those were some of the happiest times in both our lives. I remember how our faces glowed in the dusk.

This was a photo of their honeymoon in Cuba. They looked so happy.

The years have passed. Neil and David eventually divorced. Manuel and I broke up. We are older now, and sometimes I wonder how much of that boy I first met remains in him.

We were both 19, in the throes of youth, when I fell madly in love with him. He spoke my language and understood my stories. He and I would read each other our favorites books and poems for hours. But alas, he had a boyfriend, and we quietly decided it was best that we remain friends.

Neil and I had gone through many changes in our lives. I left for Europe after college, and we would write each other letters when I was away. He was here when I came back. A few years later, it was his turn. He left for Canada. He did not come back.

We have had numerous lovers and we would tell each other about the current men in our lives. But deep down I always thought Neil and I would end up together one day. Perhaps, when we were both ready. I fondly call him my Mr. Big.



"So are you with someone right now?" Neil asked me during the dinner.

"Ahhhh Neil. I fear I am always the date, never the groom," I replied, smiling at him. "You?"

"There's this guy I'm going out with," he answered..

"I'm glad you have someone," I said. "Tell me about him. How are you?"

Neil proceeded to tell stories of his life in Toronto, the work that he does, the house he is designing for his parents, his travels in South America, the men he dated. When he asked me about the men I dated, I told him about Chris the concubine, Denver the boy from Denmark, and Dwayne who I met in the street. Our eyes were animated and we laughed so much, never mind the rain pounding the windows of the winery.

"Grabe, I've missed you," Neil said. "It has been awhile."

"I know. But sometimes, you know, I feel like it's as if we never said goodbye," I told him. "It's like the years and months and days just melt away."

"So you and I are okay like this, right?" he suddenly asked me. "As friends?"

The question caught me by surprise. What did he mean? "It's just that you're so far away," I answered tentatively.

"But how will you know? How will you ever know?" he said.

How indeed, I wondered.



We were both a little tipsy and that night we kissed for the first time in 11 years. Baby, you're a firework, the words rang in my head.  That kiss contained all the yearning and desire I have felt for him all these years. It was magical.

And it was then that it hit me. I am in love with him.

I have searched far and wide and I have fallen in love and out of love many times, but life does indeed come full circle. Neil is the man I want to be with, I realized. It has always been him. That no matter the changes in us, despite the ocean that separates us, we are still inexplicably drawn to each other.

That kiss forced me to confront who Neil really is to me, no more hiding behind half-truths and veiled words like we always have before.

This was the first poem we both loved.

Star-crossed
by Ronald Baytan

This is our fate.
You are a waterfall,
and I, a stream;
You will forever flow through me,
but I shall never contain you,
and you will never wash me away.

Who knew how prophetic those words would turn out to be.
 
 
 
Neil is going back to Toronto this Saturday. He left Manila today for an island getaway. I realized I don't have a lot of time left. Do I dare tell him how I feel? Or do I wait again?
 
Suddenly, I realized I want to be brave. I don't want to wait another decade. So tomorrow, I am skipping work to catch a plane to go to an island to tell a boy that I love him.
 
 
 

My thoughts right now are muddled. I am worried, scared of how he will react. What if he doesn't feel the same way? How can I compare to the beautiful and sophisticated men he meets in Canada? His ex-husband David is a dashing, handsome Eastern European I feel so ordinary. Plain.

And even if he does feel something for me, so what? We live so far away from each other. I can't ask him to move here and I don't want to give up my life and move there.

So I fear, we will be as what we have always been. Somewhere in between, skirting the shadow and the light. Never really together, never quite apart.



No matter, at least, he would know who he really is to me. After all these years.
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