When his wife Joy died in 1960, C.S. Lewis' life crumbled. "If my house has collapsed at one blow," the famous author and Christian apologist writes in the early pages of A Grief Observed (1961), "that is because it was a house of cards. The faith which 'took these things into account' was not faith but imagination."
Sometimes I feel I have deceived myself. Our love was like a house of cards, not the massive fortress that I thought it was. One giant blow and it all fell apart.
As I struggle to make some sense of my loss, I ask again and again, was our love real? Was it as beautiful as I thought it was? If it was, then why did it end … and so quickly? It was supposed to last forever, wasn't it?
Despair comes to those who do not seek it. I think too much. Why? That is one of the most frustrating question of all. Why? Of course I know why, M gave up. But what I'm really asking is why God?
Job said it best, the Lord gives and the Lord takes. I will never be the same. Words cannot articulate what my soul has lost. And I don't understand. I pray for answers. Why is happiness so elusive? You think you found it and one day, it's gone.
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