J and I were texting as we planned to meet for dinner one night when he suddenly said this.
J: I can do a sleepover tonight.
I was shocked. Wasn't it a little too early for this, I asked myself?
K: Whew. Okay. Nakakagulat ka. Hmmm, why do you want to sleepover? I just want to understand where you're coming from.
J: So we can spend more time together.
K: Okay. I'm not assuming pero okay lang ba if we don't have sex? Awkward naman ng tanong ko. Haha. (And of course, by saying it was awkward, it made the question just a little bit less awkward.)
J: That's actually better.
As I thought the proposal over, I realized I wasn't ready for a sleepover with another guy. In my heart and mind, my place was still our home, mine and M's. It was our sanctuary. Sa amin yun eh.
A relationship dies a thousand deaths, I told myself. Every time we take something that used to belong to our old relationship, and give it to someone else, it dies a little bit more.
Like our daily after-work conversations, our weekly sleepovers, our dinners and Sunday brunches. The I-love-yous, I-miss-yous, I-can't-wait-to-see-yous.
I called J one time after work to talk about our day, and I immediately felt sad after. Not because I didn't enjoy our talk but again, it felt weird, like it wasn't supposed to be this way. Unwinding a relationship does take time.
p.s. I agreed to the sleepover. J eventually cancelled the plan before we met for dinner. J declined to give a reason, I did not ask why.