When Stories Are All We've Got

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Previously: (Please read these first to better understand the story below, and play the video at the end.)
So Goodbye, These Days Are Gone

"of all the edifices man has built,

no one can deny, no one who has lived at least,
that love is the frailest structure of all...
built to tumble, meant to fall."

"I still remember what I told him last year on his birthday, that whether he's 24 or 40 or 60, I hope we will always have each other."

Long, Long Ago and Oh, So Far Away

"That is the curse of secrets, I think. It gives new meaning to old memories. I wasn't even sure if he really did love me."

A Year Ago

"For the first ... and last time in my life, I felt that kind of love. And the memory of it is beautiful ... enough to last. Enough to give me comfort on nights like these... when love seems so far away."






Manuel was twenty-four then, I was twenty-seven and we were in love. When I write about him now,  it is tempting to dismiss it as one of those ordinary affairs people have. But I know that what I felt was as deep and as rich as love can ever get, with all its shades and complexities.

He had poise and a quiet dignity. His eyes, I remember, were black like his hair, and he was lean and tall, gentle and fragile-looking. And so in the summer of 2007, I took him out on our first real date. I had just gotten back from trekking the mountains in northern Vietnam and I was eager to see him.

We ate at a restaurant which served fusion dishes and neo-Filipino food. I was very nervous. I wanted to say something special and profound. I wanted to be sophisticated and elegant and wise. I wanted to impress him.

It turned out I did. We had a second date, and then a third. And so on. The next few weeks was a whirlwind of romance and desire, of hearts racing and pulses quickening. It was the birth of love.



The thing about a story is that we dream it as we tell it, and in this way memory and fantasy and words combine to create stories in our heads. You make people talk, they become alive. They sometimes say things like "I'm sorry" which is what Manuel said to me long after he was gone.

Even now I can still see Manuel walking away after we said our final goodbye. The sun had set and the streets were oddly quiet. He asked me to meet him on his last day in Manila months after our break-up, he was leaving tomorrow for America. I had a strange feeling I will never see him again. I never did.




Even after some time had passed, I would dream of Manuel, dream of our happier days, dream of time gone by. In them, we were still in love. None of the terrible things had happened yet, they were set in a future that was still to come. Blissfully unaware of the tragedy that was approaching, soothed and enveloped in the flames of our love, we were happy. Until one day, he stopped appearing in my dreams.

There was something different about the dream where I saw him last. It was vivid, more solid. It felt real. We were driving in the countryside on the outskirts of Manila to revisit a restaurant we loved which overlooked the Taal Lake. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining and a cool breeze was blowing.

Manuel turned to me and it seemed like he was about to say something important. I tried to stop him. I didn't want to ruin the moment, it was a time to be carefree. There would be time for seriousness later.

But he looked at me with his eyes so soft and so sad. "I'm sorry Kane," he said.

"It's alright," I nodded. I was about to cry. I had waited so long for him to say those words and finally, here they were. "Alam ko. (I know.) I forgive you."

I squeezed his hand, I didn't want to let go. If only I could hold on to my anger and pain just a little bit longer, I'd be able to keep him here, a prisoner of my dreams. But I knew. It was time to set him free. It was time to set myself free. I stepped on the gas and the car sped up the highway. We were racing, racing. To where, I wasn't exactly sure.

And then it becomes 2012. I'm thirty-two years old, and still remembering Manuel. Though he's no longer really Manuel, but made up with a different name and a different identity, like the man who never was. It doesn't matter. I loved him and then he left me.

And yet right here, under the spell of memory and imagination, I can still see him as if through a mist, as if I'm gazing into some other world, a place where there are no goodbyes, no death, no heartaches. I can see others too, my other lovers Marvin and Kenneth and Ed and Kristine, the only girl I ever loved. They're all there, smiling and waving at me.

And sometimes, I see myself driving on a highway with Manuel under a dark moonless sky. I'm young, I'm happy. I'll never die. I'm driving across the surface of my own history, moving fast and when I step on the gas and speed into the present, five years later, I realize it is as if I am giving myself hope, trying to save myself with a story.

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Much “I Do” About Nothing

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Trajan recently broke up with his boyfriend and we were all worried about him. Everyone around the table was asking him how he was. I observed how strangely calm he seemed.

"Okay na ako (I'm okay)," he said in response to all our questions. "Bago lang naman kami so madali mag move on. Ano ba kayo. Marami pa dyan (We were just starting so it's easy to move on. Come on, there's a lot more guys out there)."

Wow, I thought to myself. How can there be people like that?

Arlan leaned towards me and whispered "Alam mo, minsan hindi ko maintindihan bakit ganoon ang ibang tao. Parang ang dali-dali lang ng break-up sa kanila. Diba hindi dapat?"

(You know, I don't understand how some people can be that way. Break-ups just seem so easy for them. It's not supposed to be easy, right?)

"I know honey," I said. "I guess it's because when we do get a boyfriend, it really means something. Look at us, we've been single for so long and we've had very few relationships."



Sometimes I envy my friends who can jump in and out of relationships quickly, seemingly without being scarred, without losing parts of themselves. Every break-up, every single failed relationship that I had felt like a small death. I gave myself completely to each one of my lovers.

My ex once asked me why is it so hard for me to accept that our relationship was over.

"You and I meant the world to each other once. Or at least, you did to me," I told him. "I just can't be okay that easily."

The ability to move on and heal quickly is something we all desire. But as Sting would say, my heart is not shaped that way.



The conversation shifted and V started telling us about a guy he likes when I suddenly interrupted him.

"Honey, you did receive the first royal decree of the year, right?" I asked.

"No. What is it?" he replied, laughing. We were up to our old antics.

"It says 'Walang mag bo boyfriend sa atin this year (We aren't allowed to have boyfriends this year)'," I said.

"Honey!!! Nooooo," V said. "You can't doom us to another year of being single. Why not?"

"It's my last year in Manila and I'm sure you'd rather spend it with your best friend than with some boy you'd likely break up with anyway."

"But honeyyyyyyyyy… I like him."

I turned my head and looked at V.

"You can like him next year."
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It Matters Now

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I was falling asleep when my phone rang.

"Hey Nic, what's up?" I said in a drowsy voice.

I couldn't hear anything until I suddenly realized he was crying.

"O, are you okay? What happened?"

"Jack and I broke up."

He was sobbing.

"I didn't know who else I can call. Patulog ka na ba? (Are you about to sleep?)" Nic said. "Gusto ko lang umiyak. (I just want to cry.)"

"No… it's okay Nic. Sige lang. Iiyak mo lang. (Just cry it out.)"

Nic and Jack have been together for four years. They shared many happy memories, like most couples do. They were having problems but the one that broke the last thread was when Nic found out Jack was in love… with someone else.

"Wala na akong magawa Kane eh. (I can't do anything Kane.) He's in love with someone else."

"Oh."



When relationships fail, we often look for someone or something to blame. We often say, that bitch stole my boyfriend and we insist our lovers still love us.

But I've learned that sometimes, the simplest reason is the one that's the most difficult to accept.

He fell out of love with me. There… you have it.



Nic and Jack had planned to go on a trip to Kuala Lumpur and Singapore before they broke up. They still decided to go… as friends now.

"How was it?" I asked Nic last night at the gym.

"It was okay, fun fun. I guess travelling has always been our thing, you know."

"Ahhh… you're right. Your 'couple' thing," I replied and smiled.

"I only got sad when we were about to go home from the airport," Nic said, "I guess I knew what that meant."

"What?"

"During the trip, I could still pretend we were together. A part of me wished the vacation didn't have to end."

I looked at him and told him I understood… all too well, perhaps. There are certain bridges we don't want to cross. Sometimes the grass at the other side of the fence is not greener.



To lighten things up, I playfully punched him in his tummy.

"O, what's this?" I teased him.

"Asus. Hayaan mo na iyan. (Oh just let it be.)"

"Oh honey, you forget. You are no longer married. It matters now."

"Ayyy… PAK!" Nic said and we both laughed.



I was walking home and humming a tune when Nic texted.

"You were right. Being fat matters now that I'm single."

Open Spaces: After The Fireworks

There are many stories in the world. Most of them are left unwritten and live only in the memories of the people involved.

I have decided to share my space and invite guest writers to share their stories, in their own voices. That way, their stories will go on. The project will be called Open Spaces. My first guest is V and here is his story.





In June 2004, my friend and I were exchanging our views on love.


My friend said:

You're just looking at what's on the outside. I guess it's better to be underestimated than overestimated, yes?

If I can recall watching Batibot -- Kandirit was that skipping game. Or if we use context clues, you mean the sparks and fireworks.

True enough, there are kandirits in the beginning. But true love comes when the element of sacrifice for the other is executed, no?

I'm sure you've thought of this -- I haven't. It came into mind when so many people tore this naive heart of mine and raped me off my innocence for their pleasure or self gain.

Alas, I'm not one to be taken down so easily. Not much was stolen when they reaped my body. They can never have my heart then, right? The spirit is willing, the body is weak yet the heart enduring.

So is my view on love.

And yours, as I heard, is quite budding compared to mine.

Or am I mistaken? -- must I digest some more detail, my friend?



I replied:

In this fast paced every-man-for-himself world where people change relationships like neon signs on the road, it gives me a sense of comfort and security to hold on to the things that I hope and believe in; that I haven’t betrayed an old part of me — or something like that.

Better underestimated than overestimated, yes; for you should always keep your cards, your aces. Even in my idealisms, I always keep my guard up, my defenses intact. I maybe a dreamer but I am no fool; for I know there is no greater pain than that of a broken heart. Fortitude they say brings out the best in a person. It's not what you bear but how you bear it. I admire how you managed to stay strong after a torn heart and a raped innocence. It takes a lot of courage and strength to have faith again on something that caused you pain. Kudos.

Kandirits, fireworks… it comes with the thrill of young early love. But what happens when the knees get tired, or when the light display is nothing but smoke? A sore knee or a blind eye I hope not, for I believe that when two people who are in love, they would be generating their own fireworks; living their shared lives in skips and hops. Call me idealistic, but yeah, I do believe in it.

My view on love is budding as compared to yours? Maybe. I guess so. You might have taken the advanced course on love and relationship already as I am yet to finish a semester (only a person of vast experience can use the word sacrifice. I still can’t). I try not to think about love, for love is really something you don’t think of. I guess it just comes to you, like a key lime pie smacked at your unsuspecting face.

But I am guilty of thinking of it sometimes — at night in bed mostly. You just can’t ignore those thoughts of love as it visits your window. Some people see it as a nuisance. I see it as a treat.



oOo



I was so much younger then when I wrote this. Looking back, I see that it was not just my view on love that I was trying to convey, but also the unwavering hope inside of me that I know I share with practically everyone. The hope that someday we will fall in love; to find the right, if not the perfect partner to love us and to love them in return for as long as we live. That after the love stories we’ve shared, the romantic movies we saw, and the fantasies we’ve conjured every night before going to bed alone, we hope that one day love will happen to us. That one day love will happen to me. And it did.

Three months after writing this piece, I met the love of my life, and I learned a lot about love --- things that I never even imagined when I was younger. The love I had taught me about how it is to give without asking in return, and what it feels to receive without duty to give back. That whatever rut you are in, love certainly will save you and comfort you and assure you that everything is ok, that you will be ok.

I learned to be selfless through compromise while keeping in mind to not lose myself in the process. I learned that love indeed is never selfish and never proud. And yes, true love comes when the element of sacrifice is executed for the other, and not feel an ounce of resentment or regret. I loved truly and deeply. I loved with all my heart, and it was wonderful.

It’s been almost two years now since I’ve been single; and as I revisit this piece, the stage in my life that captured the hope and excitement of having to experience love for the first time; I can’t help but look back and realize how far I’ve come. Events in the past have lead me to reassess my beliefs and views about love and relationships. But regardless from where I was and where I am now, one thing is for certain: that the hope I had in me remains unyielded.

I can’t help but ask myself: “So V, what does happen now that the fireworks have ended, and there’s nothing left but smoke?”

I say, if you look past the smoke that often times tears up the eyes and suffocates the body, you will feel a sense of such overwhelming gratitude that you were blessed with a wonderful experience that only those who have loved and were loved back can know of. You are left nothing but aplenty of beautiful memories to remember, and that no one or nothing can take it away from you. You have learned lessons that you can never gather out of books or movies or whatever references man has made or will ever make.

I know that the time will come that the smoke will completely clear up, but even if the view from where I stand now is slightly hazy, I know deep in my heart that the world is as bright and as hopeful as how I first wrote about it.

Long, Long Ago and Oh So Far Away

  

"Let's not talk of love or chains and things we can't untie,
Your eyes are soft with sorrow,
Hey, that's no way to say goodbye."
---Leonard Cohen, "Hey, That's No Way To Say Goodbye"

"OMG! Edsel!" I exclaimed. "You're here. Kamusta ka? (How are you?)"

"Kane! Mabuti naman. Grabe ang daming tao sa Puerto."

"Oo nga eh. (Yeah.) I wasn't expecting you would be here."

"Kasama ko boyfriend ko! Halika, papakila kita," he said.

Edsel called his boyfriend, J, and introduced us. J was tall, chinito and goodlooking. They had gotten together around three months ago and they both looked happy together.

"Si Kane yung crying shoulder ko when I was depressed about my ex. Ex niya yung best friend ko si Manuel," Edsel explained to his boyfriend.

Then suddenly, Edsel turned to me and said, "Kinasal na si Manuel. Alam mo ba?"

"Ahh. Talaga," I replied.

"May pictures pa nga eh. Maganda yung girl."



Ito talagang si Edsel, hindi napigilan ang sarili na bigyan ako ng update about Manuel, I told myself.

So Manuel's plans did push through. It has been five months since he left for the U.S. Five months… has it been that long? When he left, we agreed to not communicate and I have not heard from him since. I don't expect to.

It's strange how I felt hearing the news. I wasn't exactly sad… it just seemed he's now more distant than ever.

M and I broke up for many reasons. He was leaving for the U.S., he was planning to marry for the citizenship, we were having troubles and kept fighting about our differences.

But now I know he really didn't tell me the whole truth.

M admitted he cheated on me four times before we broke up. I was hurt but I forgave him because my goal then was for us to work on the relationship. But it is only after he left for the U.S. that I learned he had been sleeping around with other people.

Slowly by slowly, I learned the details of his other indiscretions: where, who, what, how many, when. It was the why that I didn't have the answer to.

"Honey, kami pa noon eh. Akala ko masaya pa kami noon," I said to Vackie in a small voice.

"Hindi mo talaga naisip na he was cheating?"

"Hindi talaga. I trusted him."

I was devastated. I was astounded at the extent of his infidelity. I couldn't reconcile these two people in my head: the M who loved me and the M who lied to me. How could I not have known?

I wanted to know why he did it. Was it because of me? The insecurities surfaced. Maybe I wasn't attractive enough. Maybe I wasn't good looking enough. Maybe he preferred more muscular men, or leaner, taller, or shorter.

As I struggled to understand what happened, I discovered more things about him. I learned M had a history of infidelity. He cheated on his partners before, and was cheating on his partner after me.

I was discovering a totally different person. Now I understand why he rarely wants to talk about his past. I still find it hard to accept it completely. It doesn't fit into the picture of how I remember our story. M seemed so beautiful, so guileless.

That is the curse of secrets, I think. It gives new meaning to old memories. I wasn't even sure if he really did love me.

Edsel: I know it might be hard to believe pero minahal ka niya Kane. He was as faithful to you as he could have been to anyone, I'd say more than he had ever been to anyone before. But he was always struggling with his unfaithfulness. There are really people like that, my ex for one. It was just something he could not control.

Times does heal all wounds… but only if you want to be healed. Now that the pain and anger are gone, compassion sets in and I look at Manuel with tenderness and a little bit of sadness.

I understood what Edsel was saying. I knew Manuel loved me, I have to be fair, and I'd like to think he loved me in the best way he knew how. I couldn't deny him that, no matter how much he hurt me. There were just too many beautiful things he did for me for me to not recognize it.

It must not have been easy for him, too. I realized now what a relief our break-up must have been for him. Finally, he didn't have to lie, to pretend to be this person that I wanted him to be.

During one of our post-breakup conversations, Manuel told me this.

"Hindi mo talaga ako nakilala Kane. (You never really got to know me Kane.) You only know my good side. But not my bad because I wanted to show you my best Kane."


He knew all along he couldn't give me what I wanted, what he knew I deserved. He was crying when he told me before "Kane, I tried. I really, really tried." It was all part of a larger hopelessness.

My friend told me this.

"I think M hid the worst from you because he had set you up as some kind of ideal. You brought out the best in him and he wanted that version of himself. I know it may not make sense but I think he hid the worst from you as a testament to what he did feel for you. I think to be close to you he needed for you to not really know him. I think the person he liked the best was the Manuel you thought he was."

The Manuel I knew, the one I loved, wasn't real, after all. It didn't exist, or perhaps it only existed in the space and time when we were together. I see now that Manuel's disappearance began before he left. Even when we were still together, he was already beginning to vaporize.

Sometimes I wish M and I had met later. Things probably would have turned out differently. Or not. We will never know, now. It is a struggle to be good, I know that myself. You are what you love, not what loves you.

In November I wrote this:
"Wherever you are M, I wish you well. I forgive you. I don't want this anger, this pain. This is not how I want to remember you.  Maybe we will meet again in another life, when we're both cats. Or, maybe not."

I loved Manuel with everything that I was and I gave it freely. The people we love are not obliged to love us back. We had a good run. Perhaps, just because it didn't last doesn't mean it wasn't meaningful. I will always treasure the love we had.

I wish you well, M. To new beginnings. I hope you find what you are looking for.

As for me, I found mine. I found myself.



"Long ago, and oh so far away
I fell in love with you."
---The Carpenters, "Superstar"

Hush, Hush: This Too Shall Pass

Shakespeare once said: "All's well that ends well." But sometimes, it just … ends.

xtian,

It seems you have joined/are joining the ranks of people ending relationships. What can I say that you don't already know? There are times when words are useless, no matter how well-meaning they are.

We try to manage loss and staunch grief, but perhaps these emotions are based on false assumptions. Our lovers will be there indefinitely, and that is what happiness is based on. When in fact, most of them leave, sooner or later.

So what is there to hope about? And I'm not sure what the answer is. Some people have resorted to living in a series of authentic moments, rather than hope for an everlasting love.

But deep down, everyone wants love, the kind that stretches beyond your horizon. The kind than transcends, not only space and time, but even our own mortality, even death.

But we don't know if we will have that, or when, or with who. And as we grow older, we start to surrender to the idea that maybe some aren't meant for that kind of love. People who have lost two husbands, and a parent, or a child, have a deeper understanding and acceptance of the mysteries of life. But you aren't there yet. I'm not there yet. You can't expect to be. We're too young, not yet close to philosophical. You want him to change, to love you again, and we have to hope that happens. And also … also prepare as much as we can for the possibility that he might not.

We talk to our friends, read books, in our search to understand what happened, and how to change things. But there are things books don't say. There are some terrible times when knowledge isn't power, when being sane or intelligent won't save you. You are standing in the middle of the night in an arctic sea on a flaming ship that's exploded. Maybe I can help. We are going to try. But perhaps all I can do in this moment is make you feel slightly less alone on a burning deck.

Kane

A Tale of Two Heartaches

"Hannah, can you hear me? Wherever you are, look up Hannah. The clouds are lifting. The sun is breaking through."
---The Great Dictator (1940)

 
Saturday
J: Sorry I don't think I can meet you tonight. I went to my ex's house and returned the things he left sa bahay. I burned all the letters and a picture of us. The only picture I saved. I'm sorry. I can't talk about it. Not yet.

K: Naiintidihan kita. Tight hug. If you want to talk, I can listen. If you don't want to, that's alright too. I am sorry you have to go through this pain.

J: I lost half of me and I have come to accept it. It is hard.
Monday.
J: I am crying na naman.

K: Hay. Ako katatapos lang. Do you want me to call? If not, we can text.

J: Huwag muna. I don't know what to say. Tears just started falling. I am losing it Kane, I am losing it.

K: Alam ko man ang sakit na yan. Siguro I embrace mo na lang ang pain, iiyak mo, ilabas mo lahat. Huwag mo ng pigilan. Matagal pa siguro pero darating din ang araw na okay ka na. Darating din.

J: Ayaw ko na. Everyday I cry, everyday. Why? Wala naman akong ginawa. Wala naman akong ginusto sa nangyari. Bakit ako?

K: Siguro makakatulong if you talk to a friend.

J: I know what they will tell me. I have heard it all. But they don't carry my load. They don't know how hard it is to watch something you fought for die in front of you… to beg, to watch, to cry. They don't know that moving on is letting go of a part of you. Someone I ate with, someone I can't sleep without, someone I cried with, someone I am willing to die for. How in the world do I let go of that? Tell me Kane, is that suppose to be easy? Parang binubutas ang dibdib ko.

K: Alam ko, hindi madali. Devastated ka talaga. Parang giyera yan na talagang natalo ka at nasira lahat. Mag uumpisa ka na walang wala, paunti unti.

J: Thank you Kane. You don't know how much comfort I get just knowing somebody understands. Mahirap talaga eh but I am trying. Nanood ako ng Up kanina. Akala ko feel good movie, lalo lang ako na depress.

K: Hahaha ako din! Umiyak ako after the movie sa parking lot.

J: Naaala ko kasi promise naming sa isa't isa, we will be buried in the same grave. Ahhh this is too much. Good night. Thank you for sharing yourself to me. A gift I didn't expect.

Yesterday, my friend JM and I watched the movie Up. The film begins with a romance, sweet and lovely. Two children meet and discover they share the same dream. They grow up, have a courtship, marry, are happy together, and grow old.

It's not a perfect life. Problems get in the way, but at the end of the day, they always had each other. Until one day, death came for one of them.

I wanted that kind of love. I once told M that couples who absolutely love each other are afraid of only one thing; death. They knew nothing in this world can ever break them apart, not distance, or illness or another person.

"To have and to hold from this day forward,
for better for worse,
for richer for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death us do part."

JM hugged me and comforted me inside the car. But what surprised me the most was when JM broke down. He spoke of how his heart was broken four years ago, and how he was never the same after that.

JM: I wanted to give him the world, but now the world is not even enough to pay for my pain. Now, when someone tells me they love me, I think to myself, until when? Pare-pareho lang kayo, isang araw iiwan niyo rin ako. Kaya uunahan ko na kayo.

JM: Now, when you talk to me about love K, I can't relate to it. I don't even know what it is. After R left me, I told myself, never again. I will never give my heart to someone else.

He spoke of their vow, of a day when they went inside a church, gave each other a ring, and promised to grow old together. I saw a future with him, he said.

I hugged him tightly. All this pain, all these years. But who would have guessed? JM with his prancing ways and lovely gaze. But underneath all the smiles and laughter is a heart that has gone cold.

Heartaches affect people differently. Some become stoic, others shrug it off after a few days, some are haunted throughout their lifetime. But a few are able to accept it, quietly, with grace, in time.

Last night, as I fell asleep I thought of those characters in the film, of a kid trying to please his Dad, of two old men battling for meaning in their lives. A loyal dog. And always, that house, that flying house with all those bright, colorful balloons.

"Thank you for the adventure. Now go get yourself a new one."
---Up (2009)

The (Un) Sleepover

J and I were texting as we planned to meet for dinner one night when he suddenly said this.

J: I can do a sleepover tonight.

I was shocked. Wasn't it a little too early for this, I asked myself?

K: Whew. Okay. Nakakagulat ka. Hmmm, why do you want to sleepover? I just want to understand where you're coming from.

J: So we can spend more time together.

K: Okay. I'm not assuming pero okay lang ba if we don't have sex? Awkward naman ng tanong ko. Haha. (And of course, by saying it was awkward, it made the question just a little bit less awkward.)

J: That's actually better.

As I thought the proposal over, I realized I wasn't ready for a sleepover with another guy. In my heart and mind, my place was still our home, mine and M's. It was our sanctuary. Sa amin yun eh.

A relationship dies a thousand deaths, I told myself. Every time we take something that used to belong to our old relationship, and give it to someone else, it dies a little bit more.

Like our daily after-work conversations, our weekly sleepovers, our dinners and Sunday brunches. The I-love-yous, I-miss-yous, I-can't-wait-to-see-yous.

I called J one time after work to talk about our day, and I immediately felt sad after. Not because I didn't enjoy our talk but again, it felt weird, like it wasn't supposed to be this way. Unwinding a relationship does take time.

p.s. I agreed to the sleepover. J eventually cancelled the plan before we met for dinner. J declined to give a reason, I did not ask why.