Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Wish You Were Here

"What do you want, Joe, my life history? Here it is in four words: big ideas, small results."
---Clash By Night (1952)

Jay is sad. He laughs and tells stories but deep down I sense a well of sadness that never goes dry. And I learned that the difficult thing about dating after a break-up is going out with a guy even more joyless than you are.

Jay and his boyfriend of six years broke up last year. Since then he has been aggressively dating men, but until now he hasn't found someone he is willing to commit himself to.

At first, things were great. But after a while, the walls are up. The facts of the case are these: Jay wants a relationship but when the time comes, the trauma of his past scares him and prevents him from taking a risk.

Last Saturday, Jay and I decided to see each other in Bed. He was with his friends and I was with mine. He also told me the other guy he was seeing (who I also know) would be there. I was also worried that my ex (who I haven't seen in six weeks) will be there.

I wrote him a letter. I folded it, kept it in my pocket, and brought it all the way to Malate. I gave it to him. He asked me if he should open it, I told him do it tomorrow.

We danced that night, and had our first kiss. But what I remember most is how when I hugged him tightly, he wouldn't let go. Naramdaman ko na ang lungkot lungkot niya. And I thought to myself: here we are, two lost souls clinging to each other for comfort because we are sad. And at that moment, we only had each other.

I realized I needed someone who could give to me, who would bring me joy. But it wasn't him.

The next day he texted.

"Your letter almost made me cry. Thank you for being an angel. In time, I'll fly again."

I hope you will Jay. One day, you will find love again.

Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?
We're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl,

Year after year,
Running over the same old ground. 

What have we found?

The same old fears,
Wish you were here.

---Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here"


xtian1978ii said...

wish both of you the best, peace ang acceptance.

Doc Mike said...


It's hard to fall for a guy who has also the same situation as yours. It's good that you did not jump into a situation that you will regret in the future. Take time to heal first or else, those fears will haunt you, those fears will tear you apart.

Take care my friend. I know you are strong, you'll be ok very soon.


<*period*>; said...

patawarin mo po ako sa tanong ko..pero sino si j?

the way you describe him, parang siya yung idol ko na itago na lang natin sa pangalang knox galen..ahahaha

love your blog...