Monday, August 10, 2009

Anatomy of Grief

So this is what grief feels like, I told myself as I woke up today. My mind felt heavy and my eyes were tired from all the crying. I had five hours of sleep in the past 48 hours and yet, I couldn't go back to rest.

M and I ended our relationship last night. He no longer wanted to make it work. I asked, reasoned, cajoled, begged, pleaded. He was firm. He wanted out.

My eyes were tearing up while I was on the train going to work. Okay, I told myself. Here comes the first wave. I went to a corner of the station and cried as people rushed to the exit.

I was glad it is a Monday and I had work. I needed something to do, something to keep my mind busy. Or else it would have been unbearable. The pain, that is.

Pain. It's familiar, like an old friend that comes to visit once in a while. I had thought we had said our final farewells. I thought M was the one. I thought I would never walk this road again.

But here I am. There is nothing I can do but move forward. I will not stand still. I will not look back.

A friend of mine once told me that she likes the Bible because the stories are metaphorical. She cited the story of Sodom and Gomorrah where Lot's wife looked back longingly at the city, and becomes a pillar of salt.

Leaving a relationship is like that, she says. You leave and never look back. Because if you do, you will see and remember all the beautiful things you shared with your partner. The countless joys, the love that was shared. Then it becomes harder to move on. So what do you do? You move forward and stare straight into the future, no matter how bleak or sad or dreary it may seem. You embrace the future and leave the past behind.

6 comments:

Aris said...

i don't know what to say...

let me just hug you, my friend.

Doc Mike said...

How I wish I had that cover in my eyes like what they put on horse carriage so I won't look back to the beautiful things from the past.

Yeap, keep moving on even it's hard. A friend told me about your blog and I'm surprised that I'm already following you lately. :)

16.3 said...

*hugs*

thanks for sharing this.. i needed to hear this..

It gets easier as time passes by.. because time makes us forget.

wanderingcommuter said...

here, here, here.

like a blogger friend usually says,

make a step, move on, then drop it off.

but ofcourse its a process and not an over night thing. but you should not use this as an excuse.

there so much in life to live. smile!

xtian1978ii said...

one can't help but reminisce the best part of the lost love.

The Green Man said...

Hi Kanesulfur... After reading your entry... and remembering what you said that you understand what I am going through... I can't help but cry.

Everything you said last time we were together last time we talked over the phone and everything in this post is so real.

Thank you for being a friend. Let's talk when we meet ok? I said I was ok but honestly, I am not even 20% ok. I am just doing my best to keep my self together.

Can I borrow this post? I want to keep it and read it so that I am reminded of what to do... just until I am god to go :-) Let me know through text :-)