Young, reckless and impulsive, Chris charmed the guests at the birthday party we were at last Friday night.
"So what are you guys?" Arnold asked us.
Chris and I looked at each other and laughed.
"We're … friends," I said.
"Why aren't you dating? O, are you guys just fucking each other?"
"I'm not his type," Chris butted in. "He likes them older. And yes, we fuck."
"Chris!" I blushed or pretended to, at least.
"I like your boy," Arnold whispered to me. "He is such a delight."
"I know," I whispered back.
Chris and I were left alone while the others refilled the ice and mixed more drinks. I was tired from a long day of work, and the cold October night and alcohol were making me woozy.
I looked at him and noticed he looked especially good tonight, in his tight black jeans and ochre-colored shirt. I wanted to kiss him right there. It has been awhile since we had sex; three weeks to be exact.
"I'm going to see my ex tomorrow," Chris suddenly told me.
I was surprised.
"Ahhh. You're talking again pala. Magbabalikan ba kayo? (Are you guys getting back together?)"
"I don't know. He says he wants to talk."
Talk. I knew what that meant.
"Oh. How long has it been?" I asked him.
"Three months na."
I could see he was trying not to be excited. But I knew how much his ex-boyfriend meant to him.
I took his hand and squeezed it.
"Masaya ako para sa iyo Chris. (I'm happy for you Chris)," I said.
"Asus. It's nothing. We'll just talk," he said, downplaying the meeting.
I finished the last of the vodka in my glass. I knew what was going to happen.
"So … if you do get back together, I guess that means we won't see each other again right?" I asked, trying to make the question sound light. But I already knew the answer.
Chris was silent, trying to evade the question.
"Parang ganun na nga. (I guess so.)"
I slowly nodded.
"Hey, I'll miss you," I said and smiled at him weakly.
There's a time for beginnings; there's a time for endings. With friends, lovers, and even fuck buddies.
Chris is my fuck buddy. But he is also more than that. He is also my friend, my companion. We have shared stories to each other, listened when the other needed to talk. Chris was a mess when he broke up with his ex. Nobody knew he was gay; he had no one he could talk to. I befriended him, introduced him to my friends, and brought him to parties and clubs. He discovered a whole new world.
But time and time again, I would catch him staring into the distance and I knew his mind was somewhere else. Somewhere not here.
Although he rarely spoke of his failed relationship, I knew it was always in his thoughts, in the way his eyes would cloud over, in the way he would hug me tightly with his eyes closed at night. I knew those were not for me, but for a ghost in some distant past.
That night, we had sex for the last time. He left in the morning and headed straight to his ex-boyfriend's house.
Chris was coming home.
"We said eternity;
And I will go to my grave
With the life that I gave."
---John Mayer, "Home Life"