Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Farewell My Concubine


Young, reckless and impulsive, Chris charmed the guests at the birthday party we were at last Friday night.

"So what are you guys?" Arnold asked us.

Chris and I looked at each other and laughed.

"We're … friends," I said.

"Why aren't you dating? O, are you guys just fucking each other?"

"I'm not his type," Chris butted in. "He likes them older. And yes, we fuck."

"Chris!" I blushed or pretended to, at least.

"I like your boy," Arnold whispered to me. "He is such a delight."

"I know," I whispered back.

Chris and I were left alone while the others refilled the ice and mixed more drinks. I was tired from a long day of work, and the cold October night and alcohol were making me woozy.

I looked at him and noticed he looked especially good tonight, in his tight black jeans and ochre-colored shirt. I wanted to kiss him right there. It has been awhile since we had sex; three weeks to be exact.

"I'm going to see my ex tomorrow," Chris suddenly told me.

I was surprised.

"Ahhh. You're talking again pala. Magbabalikan ba kayo? (Are you guys getting back together?)"

"I don't know. He says he wants to talk."

Talk. I knew what that meant.

"Oh. How long has it been?" I asked him.

"Three months na."

I could see he was trying not to be excited. But I knew how much his ex-boyfriend meant to him.

I took his hand and squeezed it.

"Masaya ako para sa iyo Chris. (I'm happy for you Chris)," I said.

"Asus. It's nothing. We'll just talk," he said, downplaying the meeting.

I finished the last of the vodka in my glass. I knew what was going to happen.

"So … if you do get back together, I guess that means we won't see each other again right?" I asked, trying to make the question sound light. But I already knew the answer.

Chris was silent, trying to evade the question.

"Parang ganun na nga. (I guess so.)"

I slowly nodded.

"Hey, I'll miss you," I said and smiled at him weakly.

There's a time for beginnings; there's a time for endings. With friends, lovers, and even fuck buddies.

Chris is my fuck buddy. But he is also more than that. He is also my friend, my companion. We have shared stories to each other, listened when the other needed to talk.  Chris was a mess when he broke up with his ex. Nobody knew he was gay; he had no one he could talk to. I befriended him, introduced him to my friends, and brought him to parties and clubs. He discovered a whole new world.

But time and time again, I would catch him staring into the distance and I knew his mind was somewhere else. Somewhere not here.

Although he rarely spoke of his failed relationship, I knew it was always in his thoughts, in the way his eyes would cloud over, in the way he would hug me tightly with his eyes closed at night. I knew those were not for me, but for a ghost in some distant past.

That night, we had sex for the last time. He left in the morning and headed straight to his ex-boyfriend's house.

Chris was coming home.

"We said eternity;
And I will go to my grave
With the life that I gave."
---John Mayer, "Home Life"


Eternal Wanderer... said...

my most favorite scene in the opera die rosenkavalier is when the marschallin (she of a certain age) bids octavian (her very young lover) goodbye - not with high notes and histrionics, but with a simple utterance and a subdued look.

now that is class.

and so are you.

Anonymous said...

another farewell. i guess it's really the time for goodbyes now... sad

Anonymous said...

you write so well kane. so well that it is such a pleasure reading you. as pleasurable as reading mandaya moore. while mandaya's writing is stuctured, concise and witty, yours is thoughtful, touching and stimulating. the two of you write so differently yet make so similar impact. there is so much more i'd like to say but it takes so much out of me to say them in a way that deserves your perusal. so eto lang. ok na cguro to for a 1st comment. he he he.


iurico said...

Had this been written for me? :-)

A little more tweak in the scenes and this would've been how it happened to me...

Two hours ago. I was you.

red the mod said...

...it was always in his thoughts, in the way his eyes would cloud over, in the way he would hug me tightly with his eyes closed at night. I knew those were not for me, but for a ghost in some distant past...

This hit home, K.

the geek said...

you are just starting to build a harem, k...

Guyrony said...

For a home is where every one should belong.

Prodigally speaking.

Baby K, a person will return to a person if need to.

Mugen said...

I know.
the pain too
from the deepest, darkest
loneliest corner of your heart.

bien said...

you posted something about fubu etiquette before so this should be easy, i meant the farewell

Unknown said...

And so Kane, what happens now without the FuBu? That will be something to look forward to. How much attachment do you spare towards the plaything? Inquiring minds want to know.

my-so-called-Quest said...

so that's what ochre looks like (haha, i googled it pa kasi.) hehehe

on a serious note, oh well, there goes another one... i guess.

at least you ended things in a nice way. :)

wanderingcommuter said...

earlier, on my way to work, i am wondering if i could write an entry regarding fuck buddies who can really be good friends at the end.

then, i read this... theres just nothing else to say...

very nice entry... and i mean it.

i believe there is no room for goodbyes in the kind of relationship you have built. trust me, i know. hehehe

Bruce Kho said...

your moment with chris is so vivid and sentimental that i can't shake the image off my head. m a fan. Ü

Madame DeFarge said...

I like the touch of wistfulness in this. I hope you can remain friends. But it still sounds painful.

citybuoy said...

omg friend i so miss u. di na tayo nakakapagusap! plus wala ka pa nung party ni yj. :/

""Hey, I'll miss you," I said and smiled at him weakly."

Yes, demure! I'd like to see this side of you. Parang feeling ko he's a lot like me. haha

And that nickname you gave me is catching on. :0

♥ N o v a said...

Fuck buddies or not, somehow we still develop some kind of feelings for that person, no matter how hard we try to insist that it's all purely physical.

Parting of any kind, is never really sweet.