A Delicate Li(n)e

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"Kamusta? (How are you?)" James texted me about a month ago.

"Okay naman. Ikaw? (I'm good. You?)" I replied.

"Maayos naman bro. Pre-departure orientation ko na tomorrow. (I'm fine bro. It's my pre-departure orientation tomorrow.)"

"Ahh. Saan ka pupunta? (Where are you going?)"

"Saudi. Work ako doon para makatulong sa parents ko. (I'm working there to help my parents.)"

"Oh wow. You finally got an overseas job! Are you happy?" I asked him.

"Happy… and nervous."

"Hahaha. Change can be good =)."

"Mag meet tayo? Ma mi miss kita. (Can we meet? I'll miss you.)

 
 
James has been my fuck buddy for more than a year now. He's young. Okay, fine. He's really, really young. He's 21 years old and I'm a dinosaur compared to him.
 
I met him when he was still a student. He is cute but I wasn't really attracted to him. But because he is young, he can be very makulit (persistent) and sometimes he catches me at a time when I'm horny and just too lazy to look for sex, and I say to myself "WTF. A mouth is still a mouth".

He would often send me message after message asking to meet and hangout. Of course we all know what that means.

But curiously over time, we started to develop some sort of friendship. He started confiding in me and he would talk to me about what worries him; how difficult it is to find a job as a nurse nowadays in the country, how he finds it frustrating how he can barely help his family financially.

 
 
"Humina negosyo ng parents ko bro (My parents' business is failing)," James told me once.
 
"Oh. Money problems are always stressful, I know."

"I even borrowed money from my friends. I don't know why kulang pa rin (it's still not enough). Gusto ko uminom ng alak para ma release ko stress ko (I just want to drink so I can release the stress I'm feeling right now.)"

"I just showed my mother how brave I am. Pero (But) deep inside it hurts," James continued.

"Why does it hurt?"

"Because I should find ways to help my mom. But my salary is not enough."

"I hope luck will turn. You know, we all go through these things at some point in our lives. I guess we just have to be brave."

"I hope so."

Much later he texted again.

"Bro?"

"Yep?"

"Salamat ha. (Thank you.) You're really a good guy. You're different from anybody else I've met."



Rudeboy once told me this.

"You're at an interesting age. Young enough to still be beautiful, old enough to be wise. Savor it. When the time comes, the loss of youthful beauty may be replaced by something else. Grace, perhaps."



As I grow older, I think he is more and more right.

Young enough to fuck with, old enough to be wise. That's where I am right now. It's such a delicate line. Too little or too much of one or the other and it becomes a delicate lie.

I suddenly remember the older men I dated when I was younger. Did they look at me then the way I look at these boys now?  Perhaps life does indeed come full circle. Once, you were a boy. Then, you become a man. And then ... an old man.



James leaves today. I found myself strangely saddened by his departure. I wish him well in his journey. Life goes on. Besides, with James gone the harem now lacks a member. Guess I'll have to find a replacement to cheer me up.



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Gossip Girl: The Birthday Valentine

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Spotted: V turning a year older just before Valentine's Day. But you can keep your magic arrow, Cupid. All this girl wants is a night out in town.


"Honey, so I can't see you tonight?" I asked V. I was planning to take him out to dinner to celebrate his birthday but he had to work.

"They didn't approve my leave, honey. I need to suck it up. That's the grown up thing to do. I guess that's what 30-something people need to do," V replied. "But I will see you tomorrow. Tomorrow, we party. And I am good, I'm happy and quite excited honestly!"


V and I have been friends for eight years now. I still remember that moment that sealed our friendship. It was 2003, we were both young and we had just started hanging out. One night, we were in Malate and as I stepped out of the car, he saw me put on bronzer.

"Do you want some?" I asked him and giggled.

He was silent, a little nervous as he contemplated the implications of the offer.

I went closer to him and proceeded to dab his cheeks with a little bit of the powder, just enough to give a soft warm sun-kissed glow. He looked at himself in the mirror and I saw the way his eyes brightened. I knew that from that day on, things will never be the same.

Over the years, our friendship deepened as we shared a common love for eyeliner, Milan Kundera, America's Top Model, and of course, boys. He held me in his arms as I sobbed quietly in grief over a break-up. Some things you never forget.

That Saturday, we were all dressed up. Arlan, Carlo, Edward, Vackie and I trooped to Bed and danced as Lady GaGa sang "I'm on the right track, baby. I was born this way."

Of course the night couldn't end without one of our favorite things.

A blowjob.

And when V turned to us and said, "Now where's my birthday kiss?" We all knew what to do.



Everyone knows you can’t choose your family but you can choose your friends. And in a world ruled by blood lines and bank accounts, it pays to have a pal. As much as a BFF can make you go WTF, there’s no denying we'd be a little less rich without them. And Kane and his friends? They do besties better than anyone.

XOXO

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Human, All Too Human: Preview of Season Three

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome. Our guest today is the creator of the show Human, All Too Human  and he will talk about what the third season is all about: the plot lines, the possible conflicts, the direction of the show and what surprises are in store for us.

Host: So wow Kane, I can't believe it's been three years already. So what can we expect this season?

K: You know, I honestly don't know. (laughs) Season One was all about Kane going through a break-up. He had lost the love of his life and it was all sad and lonely and heavy. We saw him at the lowest point of his life.

In Season Two, we saw Kane starting to have fun again, partying, meeting guys. He picked himself up and reclaimed his spot in the Upper East Side and we witnessed his adventures as he turned 30. The balls, the masquerade party, the clubs. We saw him fall in love with a knight in a shining mask, create a harem, talk about HIV, write about sex etiquette.

He wrote about a boy from Denmark, about a red headband and an eyeliner. He spoke of being fearless, he wrote about remembering a love. He wrote fiction where a beautiful boy had sex with an ugly guy, and proceeded to do it himself in real life. He opened up and became friends with a few bloggers. (You know who you are.) He started interviewing other writers and started several projects in his blog. He wrote his reflections about time, about human happiness.

Now in Season Three, we've started by revealing that Kane may be leaving Manila but we don't know yet where or why or when. It will be interesting to see how this will affect his social circle and influence his decisions for this year. As simple as will he allow himsself to fall in love and get into a relationship knowing he is leaving anyway? Or will he close his heart for the moment?

Host: Will there more sex, more drama? More (cat)fights with friends? (laughs)

K: (laughs) Hopefully there will be peace but as everyone knows, in the Upper East Side, the good times never last. That's the thing with this character and his world, you never know what he'll do next or what to expect. In many ways, Kane is exactly the type of character we all love to hate.

Host: Why do you say that?

K: Because his world is one that I think most of us detest for its artifice but secretly desire to experience for ourselves. The sex, the drugs, the parties, the lies and betrayals and scheming. Sometimes, it can be all too much.

But Kane is who he is. He is unapologetic,willful, but I'd like to think he has a kind heart and a brave soul. It would be interesting to discover how he grows, see what more we can learn about him. It looks like we have an exciting year to look forward to.






"I have a feeling people don't like me," I confided to Eternal Wanderer once.

"Why do you say that?" he asked.

"People do read me and some like to make comments on my stories, but they aren't warm and friendly," I explained. "Sometimes I wonder why when I am always nice to other bloggers and I have never said an unkind word to anyone."

"Ahhh. It's because you are Kane," Eternal Wanderer replied.

"What does that mean?"

"Kane kasi is sosyal (It's because Kane is refined)," he explained.

"And difficult to befriend?" I asked.

"Very alta-sociedad and breathes rarified air, so to speak."

"Oh come on Ternie."

"Not a lot of 'commoners' can handle that," Eternal Wanderer continued. "It's like being in the presence of the dowager empress. One cannot help but don courtly manners."

"But I write about my kagagahan (stupidities), I show photos of myself drunk! I never talk about money or a new gadget I have or what phone I am using."

"Exactly my point."

"Oh."

"You display refined breeding. Only the crass or nouveaux riches would crow about their newly acquired possessions.

"Ah."

"As I've always said, we can categorize Pinoy gay bloggers into several branches," Eternal Wanderer said. "1) The gay humorous narrative 2) The emo word diarrhea 3) The explicit sex adventures."

"You don't really fit into any of those categories."

I guess I don't.

Much “I Do” About Nothing

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Trajan recently broke up with his boyfriend and we were all worried about him. Everyone around the table was asking him how he was. I observed how strangely calm he seemed.

"Okay na ako (I'm okay)," he said in response to all our questions. "Bago lang naman kami so madali mag move on. Ano ba kayo. Marami pa dyan (We were just starting so it's easy to move on. Come on, there's a lot more guys out there)."

Wow, I thought to myself. How can there be people like that?

Arlan leaned towards me and whispered "Alam mo, minsan hindi ko maintindihan bakit ganoon ang ibang tao. Parang ang dali-dali lang ng break-up sa kanila. Diba hindi dapat?"

(You know, I don't understand how some people can be that way. Break-ups just seem so easy for them. It's not supposed to be easy, right?)

"I know honey," I said. "I guess it's because when we do get a boyfriend, it really means something. Look at us, we've been single for so long and we've had very few relationships."



Sometimes I envy my friends who can jump in and out of relationships quickly, seemingly without being scarred, without losing parts of themselves. Every break-up, every single failed relationship that I had felt like a small death. I gave myself completely to each one of my lovers.

My ex once asked me why is it so hard for me to accept that our relationship was over.

"You and I meant the world to each other once. Or at least, you did to me," I told him. "I just can't be okay that easily."

The ability to move on and heal quickly is something we all desire. But as Sting would say, my heart is not shaped that way.



The conversation shifted and V started telling us about a guy he likes when I suddenly interrupted him.

"Honey, you did receive the first royal decree of the year, right?" I asked.

"No. What is it?" he replied, laughing. We were up to our old antics.

"It says 'Walang mag bo boyfriend sa atin this year (We aren't allowed to have boyfriends this year)'," I said.

"Honey!!! Nooooo," V said. "You can't doom us to another year of being single. Why not?"

"It's my last year in Manila and I'm sure you'd rather spend it with your best friend than with some boy you'd likely break up with anyway."

"But honeyyyyyyyyy… I like him."

I turned my head and looked at V.

"You can like him next year."
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